When you hear the name “WrestleMania” you think of the biggest event of the year for the WWE. A culmination of a year of well thought out feuds and rivalries and a card that will leave you awestruck when you watch it. Let me tell you, that is not the case with the WrestleMania events you are about to read about.
In the paragraph’s that follow you will be reading about some of the most mind numbing and boring WrestleMania events of all time. These WrestleMania shows were so bad for the most part that it made me want to watch Mae Young give birth to another hand to take my mind off of them. Now sit back, grab your Alka Seltzer and get ready to read about the top 10 Worst WrestleMania Events of all time.
#10.
WrestleMania 25
Reliant Stadium
Houston, TX
Talk about a match overshadowing your main event. The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels was an all time classic match between two of the best performers the WWE has ever seen. Too bad it went on before the main event of HHH vs. Randy Orton for the WWE title, which was very anti-climatic considering the months of build up the match had. I did enjoy the Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy Extreme Rules match, even though in the WWE nowadays nothing can be to extreme thanks to the god damn PG rating they have. The MITB match also entertained me a little and they did work it right having Punk win for the second time as it spearheaded his recent amazing heel turn. Some of you may be surprised at this, but just watch it again and then get back to me.
#9.
WrestleMania 24
Citrus Bowl
Orlando, FL
I loved the Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair match where if Flair lost he would have to retire. This matched saved the show from being almost unbearable to watch. The emotion in this match was like what the old WWF used to put on in the good ole days. When Shawn mouthed the words “I’m sorry, I love you” to Flair before super kicking him, it made me get goose bumps. Now the rest of the card was just not that good at all. I didn’t want to see Cena fight Orton and HHH for the millionth time, and having Undertaker wrestle for a World title at a WrestleMania is pointless because you know almost for sure that he was going to win. This took away from Edge’s moment of headlining his first WrestleMania. The WWE just does not get it these days and it’s sad.
#8.
WrestleMania 23
Ford Field
Detroit, MI
There seems to be a trend here doesn’t there? This is one of the more recent WrestleMania’s, and also one of the worst. This event had a very good opening match with Mr. Kennedy winning the Money in the Bank ladder match. This match had very good participants and is in my opinion the second best MITB match ever. Kennedy cut’s an amazing promo at the end which adds even more to the match. The fact that this match so good and the rest of the show was like watching early 1990’s WCW doesn’t sit well with me. The Undertaker vs. Batista in a match other than a Hell in a Cell does not appeal to me, and seeing John Cena defeat another better wrestler then him for the second straight year in Shawn Michaels, pissed me off royally. I know they were trying to shove Cena down our throats, but come on seriously, enough is enough.
#7.
WrestleMania 13
Rosemont Horizon
Chicago, IL
It saddens me to put this WrestleMania ranked so low because of the fact that it had arguably the greatest WrestleMania match of all time in Stone Cold vs. Bret Hart. If you have not seen this match go buy the DVD right now and look at how a feud is supposed to be. But then I look at the rest of the card again and realize that I would rather watch an episode of Sunday Night Heat then to have to go through the pain of watching it. The main event of Undertaker vs. Psycho Sid was horrendous, and HHH faced Goldust and Rocky Maivia faced The Sultan. Enough said.
#6.
WrestleMania
Madison Square Garden
New York, NY
Some of you are probably thinking I have lost my mind rating the first WrestleMania this low. The only reason this WrestleMania ranks this high is because of the fact that it was the very first WrestleMania ever. The historical significance of this event cannot be overlooked. If it were not for that it very well could have ranked as the worst WrestleMania of all time. There is no one match on the card that is very good or stands out at all for that matter. Seriously, name another match. The main event was entertaining because of the fact that Mr. T was in it, but it really should have been Hogan vs. Piper. This would have had the ultra baby face against the bastard heel with Piper trying to cheat his way the entire time to win and Hogan coming out on top in the end.
#5.
WrestleMania XV
First Union Center
Philadelphia, PA
This WrestleMania would also rank even lower if it were not for the Stone Cold vs. The Rock match for the WWF title. This was a WrestleMania where the WWF just tried to stack as many people onto the card as possible, and they came up really short. Shane McMahon vs. X-Pac was mildly entertaining, and Stone Cold vs. The Rock was very good, but other than that the rest of the card was bad. The Undertaker vs. Big Bossman Hell in a Cell match was the worst one of its kind I have ever seen. How you make a Hell in a Cell match with The Undertaker bad back then is beyond me. While I like the fact they pushed the envelope with hanging Bossman from the cage, it was actually quite idiotic in retrospect.
#4.
WrestleMania IV
Trump Plaza
Atlantic City, NJ
Kind of ironic that the fourth worst WrestleMania ever is actually WrestleMania IV isn’t it? Here is my problem with this WrestleMania. While I do personally love the idea of a tournament for the title, this show just did not work for me. Most of the matches were boring and ended rather stupidly. The Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts match should have had a winner and he should have faced Bam Bam Bigelow in the Quarterfinals instead of having the One Man Gang beat Bigelow and then Gang get a draw. Sounds like something WWE would book these days by having Santino beat Christian and then get a bye after Edge and Jericho go to a draw in the other match. I personally would have had Dibiase win the WWF Title instead of Macho Man, and have Hogan try to help Macho out so they could still form the Mega Powers afterwards. I would then have had Hulk Hogan beat Dibiase at WrestleMania V. It’s not like Macho’s title reign was that good after this anyway?
#3.
WrestleMania IX
Caesar’s Palace
Las Vegas, NV
From the bad choice of venue, to the announcers wearing togas, all the way to Hulk Hogan stealing the limelight once again, this WrestleMania ranks up there as one of the worst of all time. I will give this WrestleMania one good review about it, the opening match between Shawn Michaels and Tatanka. This was a very good match up until the ending that made me want to shut the television off. Have Michaels at least cheat to win, just don’t have it end in a disqualification. This WrestleMania also had one of the worst mania matches of all time in the Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzales. I wanted to poke my eye out with a rusty fork when I saw this match, that’s how bad it was. The Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect match had a lot of potential, but they botched that one up completely. While I do enjoy watching Hulk Hogan in a lot of the WrestleMania’s to follow, they just should not have taken away from Yokozuna winning the WWF title the way they did. No one wanted to see Hogan on top at that point.
#2.
WrestleMania XI
Hartford Civic Center
Hartford, CT
I really wanted to make this the worst WrestleMania of all time, I really did. The only thing keeping me from making this the worst WrestleMania of all time is the Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels match for the WWF title, other than that the entire card was unwatchable. You do not, I repeat, you do not put a retired NFL player and a washed up wrestler as the main event in the biggest event of the year for the company. You have Bret Hart regulated to having a mid-card match with a wrestler from the late 1970’s in Bob Backlund, and you have your opening match as Lex Luger & The British Bulldog against the Blu Brothers. They could of done so many things with this WrestleMania such as have a rematch of Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart, and that would have at least salvaged this god awful WrestleMania a little bit.
#1.
WrestleMania II
Nassau Coliseum
Long Island, NY
This has got to be the worst WrestleMania of all time. It saddens me to know that part of it took place in my own backyard in Long Island, N.Y. Whoever thought that the idea of having the matches take place from 3 different arenas was a good idea had to be clinically insane. The only watchable match on this card was the British Bulldogs vs. The Dream Team for the Tag Titles, and it was not even that good. The main event was Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy in a Steel Cage match. While on paper this might seem like a good idea, the match was atrocious and not done well at all. There is not one historic match at all on the card, or even a very good one for that matter. This mania even had Randy Savage put on a bad match, which is about as hard to do as the WWE putting on a good edition of RAW these days.
I welcome your questions, comments or suggestions for future articles. Contact me at richardciancioso@hotmail.com.
The WWE will close out the road to WrestleMania 26 with a bang on Monday. In what is becoming a tradition, WWE RAW will feature a WrestleMania Rewind of WrestleMania rematches. On top of the familiar rematches, WWE Hall of Fame wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin will captain the ship and run the show. Can you say WWE ratings bonanza?
Some will point to this strong effort as a response to TNA’s decision to go head to head on Monday nights with TNA Impact. However, Austin was booked on the show long before the weekly Monday Night Wars became a reality. Additionally, the WrestleMania Rewind has become something of an annual event leading into the biggest pro wrestling event of the year. Unfortunately for TNA, there really won’t be much they can do to combat what should be one of the most exciting editions of WWE RAW of the year.
The WWE announced three WrestleMania rematches on this week’s WWE RAW. Obviously with two hours to fill, there is a possibility that more could be added by G.M. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Already announced for Monday are a rematch of last year’s WrestleMania XXV co-main event Triple H vs. Randy Orton, a rematch from WrestleMania XIX between Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels, and finally a rematch from the WrestleMania XX opener between John Cena and The Big Show.
Without a doubt, the Michaels-Jericho WrestleMania XIX rematch will be most anticipated by WWE fans. Michaels vs. Jericho had arguably the feud of the year two years ago. They wrestled each other several times in big matches with each match outdoing the other. Could this be Shawn Michaels next-to-last match? Both guys have a tremendous amount of respect for one another so this could be something of a tribute to Jericho by Michaels in giving him his second-to-last ever wrestling match.
The complexities of this whole Legacy feud just keep on growing with a rematch of last year’s main-event between Triple H and Randy Orton. It is really odd to me that two guys who have had big parts in the last several WrestleManias are playing such small roles this year. For Randy Orton, it is even stranger that as of this writing, Orton has yet to have an officially announced match at WrestleMania XXIV, although most expect some kind of a match with Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. To me, this whole feud isn’t resonating with fans because there are no clear lines on who are the babyfaces and who are the heels. By sticking Randy Orton in a match with Triple H, the WWE are once again blurring the lines. However, if the match ends with Triple H and Orton standing side by side and fighting off members of Legacy and Sheamus, all of that would undoubtedly become clearer going into WrestleMania. Then again, how ridiculous would that be when after all Randy Orton did physically attack Trip’s wife a year ago? While I am not particularly interested in seeing a 500th match between these two, I must admit that I am curious to see where they go with this whole thing.
Finally The Big Show and John Cena will tangle in a rematch of their “classic” WrestleMania XX opener. In all seriousness, it really was a monumental match as it was Cena’s first big WrestleMania match. Now let’s be honest, I don’t think anyone is beating down the WWE door and demanding a rematch here. But, I am sure that Batista and possibly even Vince McMahon get involved here and throw in a few twists. My prediction is that Steve Austin comes out to even the sides and ends the night with an old fashioned Stone Cold Stunner on Vince McMahon for old time’s sake.
For all of the criticism that the WWE generally receives, I think they have done a better job of building up this year’s WrestleMania than they have done in quite some time. Considering all of the goofy angles the WWE threw at us last year building up the Triple H-Randy Orton match, this year’s buildup is a welcome breath of fresh air. Throw on top of the above mentioned a likely appearance by Bret Hart and I can’t think of a better way to bring home the road to WrestleMania XXVI.
-What makes this show fascinating is that my brother’s senior trip to Florida began the day before the event, and he didn’t make it home until Wednesday night afterward. He had just got back into WWE after his 18 month WCW love-in not long before the show, and was bummed that he missed it. You know you’re a mark when your parents go to the airport to get him and you stay up until he gets home at 11:30 PM on a school night so you can blurt out the results to him.
-So for those of us not in Florida for the Disney trip (like 13 year old me), let’s go back to March 23, 1997 to the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, IL. The tagline for WrestleMania XIII was “Heat”. I found that appropriate, since about 60% of the performers on this card should have been relegated to the Sunday night jobber show.
-Also of note, on the pre-show, Billy Gunn defeated Flash Funk. Wait, my apologies. That actually WASN’T worth nothing. Again, my bad.
-Our hosts tonight are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Jerry Lawler. This was the final commentary performance at the big event for Vinnie Mac, as he would go on to become perhaps the greatest heel in wrestling history. That’s like Joe Buck quitting broadcasting to become a Colombian drug baron. I’m all for it, too. Well, the part where he quits broadcasting, anyway.
-To open the show, we have a four tag team train wreck where the winners get a shot at the WWE World Tag Team Titles. The teams vying for the chance are The Godwinns, The Headbangers, The New Blackjacks, and Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon. And….yeah. I’m supposed to pick a winner out of THIS group? Between the outdated cowboys and farmers, and the bland-but-talented Furnas and Lafon, I’m almost forced to cheer the Bangers, who are at least playing a gimmick suited for the late 90’s, and have a unique charm to them. And even THEN, I don’t buy them as a serious threat. Already, I’m miserable.
-Quick, spot the future World Champion heel. Give up? It’s the boring stiff with the mustache! No, the other one. Yeah, that one.
-The only fun spot so far is both Headbangers being tagged in and then slam dancing into each other. The Dead Kennedys would be so proud. Usually these days when you can’t figure out what to do with your wrestlers, you stick them in the Money in the Bank match. Back then, it was “top contender” Hell. Not a good choice for an opener.
-Hey, good news, The Blackjacks and The Vanilla Workrate Connection have just been double DQed. That should speed things along a little more.
-I have to say, I know I bring up underrated talents a lot, but I always had a soft spot for the Headbangers. They may not have been the best, but they were interesting in a time period where not many wrestlers were. They’d sell for anyone and the fans seemed to like them, even as heels.
-Now for a semi famous spot: The Headbangers perform a rocket launcher to the floor onto Henry Godwinn. Sayeth Vince: “He threw him like he was a dart!”. The only thing that keeps it from being in the annals of great WrestleMania moments was…..that it was done by the freakin’ Headbangers.
-Finally, Phineas takes a flying sit down thingie for the the loss, making the Headbangers #1 contenders. Remember when wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt meant that you were with the times? Maybe the Hart Dynasty should wear shirts depicting Muse. Or not. Not the opener I was hoping for, but what could I expect?
-Just to show how out of touch Uncle Vinnie was, here comes the Honky Tonk Man to do commentary on the next contest. Yeah, like fans from 1997 are going to understand why Honky was so important in the 1980’s. A match ago, we had two men who worshipped Manson and Tool and Gravity Kills. Now we have an Elvis impersonator from 1988. Gag me.
-So it’s the IC Title match with The Sultan challenging against….Rocky Maivia. Yes folks, that would be The Rock himself, albeit as a smiling lovemonger with a positive attitude. Seriously, if you watch this match, you can’t even believe it’s him. It’s like he was possessed by aliens who commanded him to suck and suck royally.
-Remember when the Sultan ran over Austin to impress Rocky? Oh wait, that comes later.
-As Rocky works in his dad’s 1981 offense, I have two questions: One is what the Hell was that thing that Sultan wore on his head? Not the face mask, but the hat. It was like a velvet Hershey’s Kiss. The other is why have we never gotten a dual promo from The Rock and The Iron Sheik, who is seconding Sultan? Could the universe handle that level of awesomeness? Probably not.
-Funny, Sultan seems to be dominating this match. Maivia was pretty much being prepped to be the star of the future, and yet Sultan is taking pretty much 80% of this match. And it all sucks. At least get it up to three years later when Rock could be free to to be Rock, and Sultan was dancing and…umm…wearing a thong? Okay, maybe we’re better off in 1997….
-And umm…..Rock wins with a roll-up? That’s the whole match? IF YA SMELLLLLL-LALALALALALALALALAAA! Well, something smells, and I don’t think many fans like it. Sultan, Sheik, and Bob Backlund beat Rocky down afterward, and Sheik locks on a Camel Clutch (henceforth referred to as a “camelclutchblog.com“) to humble The Great One, but Rock is saved by 96 year old Rocky Johnson. Johnson takes his shirt off, which is enough to scare the three hooligans away. See, had The Rock waffled his dad with the IC Title and then dropped the elbow on him, he’d have been a megastar THEN. But alas, we had to wait.
-Pettengill interviews Ken Shamrock of the “ultimate fighting world”, as Shamrock is the guest referee for tonight’s big submission match. We get a sampling of Shamrock’s expertise on submissions with a video package of him dismantling Billy Gunn on a recent Raw. They could have shelved the first two matches on this show and had Shamrock destroy Gunn for 45 minutes. Would ANYONE have objected?
-Dok Hendrix interviews Triple H, and apologizes in advance for ruining his wedding reception.
-So now it’s Goldust and Triple H one on one in a match rooted in a story where HHH made a pass at Marlena, and Goldust flipped. Here’s the brilliant part: HHH whispered something to her and we never heard what it was. When Marlena was asked about it in a WWE chat, she kayfabe responded that she can’t even repeat it, because for Goldust to see or hear it makes him murderously angry. See? Instead of giving a lame answer, the story has a mystery to it, forcing you to make your own theory. How Hitchcockian! Good stuff.
-Remember in the WrestleMania 12 rant when I said that HHH was a midcarder at this point, despite his claims? Well, he’s in the third match of the show and he just got kissed by Goldust. Yep, that Hunter, always a main eventer.
-Triple H unzips Goldust’s jumper and then chops away on him. Either the gold suit is heavily padded, or Hunter just longs for the feel of another man’s chest. I’m not implying anything, I mean, we’re all God’s children, right?
-This thing is dragging like Frankenstein’s foot, and I’m just glad that Marlena’s here to give me something to look at. She was really something in the days before she forgot how to digest food.
-Hunter hooks an abdominal stretch and JR references oft-forgotten wrestler Wilbur Snyder, prompting Vince to go “WILLLLLLL-BUUUUUUUR” in Mr. Ed’s voice. Way to know your audience, V-Mac.
-This match is so boring, that I have no choice but to acknowledge wrestlecrap.com poster Ultimo Chocula, who responded to my post and gets a free mention. Good on you, Choc. Now, back to the crap at hand.
-Goldust lands a butt-butt on Hunter. Make your own joke here, I’m already disheveled.
-Chyna (yes, she’s here or it’s here or….) stalks Marlena around ringside and manages to corner her on the apron. Hunter knocks Goldust into her, sending her flying into Chyna’s clutch, who does a primo job of ragdolling and manhandling her. Yes, I used “manhandling” for a reason. Goldust eats a Pedigree to put HHH in the Mania win column. God, that was long and boring.
-You know, I really think Goldust and Marlena could have been a good low rent version of Savage and Liz. They had the crazed-but-likable male/alluring and innocent female dynamic going. Granted, it’s hard to top Savage and Liz, but you could have done worse by trying to mold these two after the original golden couple.
-Now for something that might break things out of the doldrums. It’s the Tag Team Title match with Davey Boy Smith and Owen Hart defending against Vader and Mankind. What made this interesting is that both teams were comprised of heels, though Davey was leaning toward turning face, mostly due to annoyance at Owen’s constant cheating, as well as Owen’s underlying jealousy of the Bulldog’s European title. Hey, for 1997, that’s pretty deep. Usually, we get stuck with “Faarooq hates white people so he’s imitating Louis Farrakhan”.
-Hey wait, wasn’t Vader just friends with Owen and Davey for, like, a year? Now they’re enemies? The continuity police may wish to investigate. That and about 4000 other infractions.
-Everyone’s getting their work in: Owen’s providing the quickness and taking bumps off of Vader, Bulldog’s using his power moves, Vader’s clubbing as he always does, and Mankind’s bumping for everybody. The fans are kinda confused, though, but they seem to have caught on that Davey’s the closest thing to a babyface here. Still, what a badly booked angle for the biggest card of the year.
-Owen becomes the heel in peril(?) and Davey prepares himself for the hot tag. I think they may have made a mistake in not having Owen turn on Davey here. Actually, wait, I just realized that it wouldn’t have worked. If you don’t know why, the answer rhymes with Art Soundation.
-So it turns into a double countout after Mankind gags Bulldog on the floor with the Mandible Claw. Well, that does nothing for anybody. I understand that for all four men, you had to keep them strong, since they all had value. For Owen and Davey, they had to remain strong to be Bret’s under bosses in the Hart Foundation relaunch, and Vader and Mankind were going to have to be strong so that they could be fed to the Undertaker for his title run. So I guess the real question is why have them face each other at all on the biggest event of the year? It’s a mystery.
-And now, I present to you the all time greatest match in WWE history. Throw in Capitol Sports while we’re at it. But first, we have a video and some backstory to establish.
-Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Basically, while Hart was away for the summer and fall of 1996, Austin was branding himself quite the monster heel. After becoming a character unlike any ever seen in WWE history, Austin began to garner a cult following for his foul mouth, violent antics, and utter disdain for everyone, including his fellow heels. He began to call Hart out in September, trying to goad Bret back to the company when he was on sabbatical, possibly considering going to WCW or even retiring. Austin managed to rope him back in and faced him in a great match at Survivor Series with Hart narrowly winning. The difference was that while before, Bret was considered a hero to millions of fans,the the new “Attitude” like the one displayed by Austin was the hotness du jour. Hart’s heroics were old hat, and many of his fans had shifted their sensibilities Austin’s way. Bret began to display signs of whining and bitterness, while Austin’s stock rose every day. And it boiled down to this: a submission match to see who the better man really was. If Bret wins, it shuts Austin up for good. If Austin wins, it could very well be the end of Hart, who will have been beaten by the young lion in his own game.
-I think that’s more story than the first four matches combined.
-As mentioned earlier, Ken Shamrock is the guest referee. Last I heard, he took steroids before his fight with Bobby Lashley JUST so he could be suspended and duck the match. Hey, high voice or not, I ain’t messing with Lashley.
-Austin gets the famed “glass shatter” entrance stunt that would appear in the WWE Attitude video game. That’s quite the sizable pop he gets as well. Hart’s pop is great as well; I’d say it’s about 70-30 for the Hitman.
-It’s a slug fest to start and it quickly spills to the floor, as any six month long feud would tend to cause. Immediately, Austin takes a smacking bump right into the post. Austin responds by crotching Bret on the guardrail. This is gonna be ugly.
-Now for a hallmark of any Attitude era show, as the match spills amongst the people. It’s not often you see Bret Hart brawling in the audience, but this era made some serious cosmetic changes to a lot of characters. Bret brings Austin back, flings him over the rail, and then pounces on him with a diving elbow. The tide turns, however, when Bret goes flying hard into the ring steps and actually dislodges them. So far, so good.
-We get back inside the ring, and Hart’s strategy becomes more than apparent: go for the leg. Bret begins some barbaric tactics to ravage Austin’s leg, and things are going swimmingly, until Austin drops him with a Stunner out of nowhere. However, pins don’t count here, but the move does buy Austin a moment to recuperate.
-The crowd’s really shifting Steve Austin’s way at this point. Bret tried to keep up with Austin in the donnybrook, but the fans compared them side by side and said “Yeah, Austin’s our guy”. This will be interesting down the stretch.
-The Stunner wasn’t enough to keep Bret Hart is dead, as he methodically goes back to the knee, and applies his amazing ringpost figure four. Austin’s not quitting however and Bret breaks the hold.
-Bret Hart brings a chair inside and decides to recreate one of Austin’s greatest inventions: the Pillmanizer, in which one wraps another man’s ankle inside the seat of a steel chair and then stomps it to crush the bone. It’s named for Brian Pillman, who was the first victim of such a tactic, and a naming honor that I’m sure thrilled the late Loose Cannon. Bret wraps the ankle and then goes up top, but Austin springs to life and smashes Hart with the chair. Lawler’s cry of “IT’S WrestleMania, BABY!” makes me smile for some reason. Austin lands another deadly shot with the chair, and the crowd is TOTALLY buying Stone Cold.
-Austin embarks on a relentless assault, punishing Bret’s back and then by locking Hart into his own Sharpshooter. Lawler remarks about having to submit to your own hold and then Vince, eerily, retorts “Hey, it could happen. It’s just that painful”. Anybody else pause when they heard that?
-After Bret refuses to give in, the action spills outside, where Hart whips Austin into the rail, and it opens up maybe the most famous blade job in wrestling history, as Austin is just gushing all over ringside. Hart pounds the wound and blood is everywhere. Back inside, Bret uses the chair to rip apart Austin’s knee, and Vince foreshadows the heel turn by pointing out just how low Bret’s fallen. Bret’s heel turn, not Vince’s heel turn, for the record.
-What do you do if you’re Austin? Kick Bret in the nuts, duh. Good kick, too. I think I could feel Julie smirk.
-Austin bathes in more than blood, as the fans shower him with cheers during the mud hole stomping sequence. JR proclaims that Austin’s a stud, and I can’t disagree. You could sense watching this match that something very special was happening.
-Austin goes out to retrieve an extension cord in order to choke Bret on the apron. As he wraps the cord around the throat, Bret grabs the ring bell (which was nearby) and wallops Austin in the head. With Stone Cold disoriented, The Hitman locks on the Sharpshooter in mid ring, while Austin continues to bleed.
-Steve Austin refuses Shamrock’s inquisitions on possible surrender, and then tries to power his way free from the hold by nearly pushing Bret off. And THERE is your iconic image of a wracked Austin screaming with blood pouring down his face. Hart falls, but holds onto the legs and stands up, keeping the hold latched. Austin soon passes out from the pain and blood loss to give Hart the win.
-Afterward, Hart continues to attack and Shamrock harshly throws him off. Kenny wants to fight Bret, who merely walks away to a chorus of boos. Meanwhile, Austin pulls himself up, hobbling all the while and Stuns the first referee who tries to assist him. Austin walks away under his own power, never having given up, while the fans cheer and chant “AUSTIN”. Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is the greatest example of making a star. You’ll never see it done better than Stone Cold Steve Austin on March 23, 1997.
-POSITIVE. FIVE. STARS.
-What do you mean that it didn’t end the show?
-Faarooq cuts a promo with the Nation of Domination around him. Yes, he does in fact say more than just “DAMN!”. That’s actually what he said when he was told he was going to play an Islamic militant, I think.
-It’s a Chicago Street Fight with Faarooq, Crush, and Savio Vega of the Nation taking on Ahmed Johnson and native sons The Legion of Doom. Early in the brawl, the faces clean house and beat up some nameless thugs in suits. Out of the six men in this match, the only one still employed two years later was Faarooq. Even odder, one of his lackeys was also still employed: a young D-Lo Brown. Kinda funny who makes it in life. Until he broke Droz’s spine into a million pieces, of course.
-While things completely break down in chaotic and disorganized fashion, I have to note that it was pretty wise putting Crush and Savio in the mock Islamic radical group. You know, you gotta shoo away any potential racial overtones by having the white Hawaiian and the snarling Puerto Rican with the black militants. This way, it seems just a TAD more innocent.
-Ahmed hits a somersault over the rail. No, I haven’t been eating white out.
-Animal and Crush go at it, and I’m the only person who remembers that they were the new Legion of Doom for about 3 weeks in 1992 after Hawk quit. Even Animal and Crush themselves don’t even remember that.
-Animal tries to piledrive Faarooq through the table and then wusses out, instead doing a lame pratfall when he realizes that it was gonna hurt bad. Way to expose the business, Joe.
-Here’s some fun: Savio Vega wraps a noose around Ahmed’s neck and tries to hang him from inside the ring. Maybe it’s my ignorance talking, but I think that’s the first time there’s ever been anything remotely racist in professional wrestling. I’ll wager my Saba Simba trading card that I’m right.
-Why is THIS match following Bret-Austin? Two violent matches in a row? Besides, this is the only other match of the night that I really liked. Why not put this match earlier in the card to set the tempo and get the crowd pumped up? WWE was really on the cusp of striking WCW in the face at this point, but they kept getting things backward, and muddling some minor details. It would be a full year before they’d contend, too. That’s kinda what TNA is like right now, so given history, don’t count the Orlandophiles out of the war just yet.
-Long story short, Crush eats a Doomsday Device and then is nailed with a 2X4 to end it. Also, D-Lo and Nation rappers PG-13 get destroyed post-match. Way to strike a blow for racial equality! Coming up next: Ahmed Johnson destroys MOVE headquarters with a 2X4.
-And now for the alleged main event, as Sycho Sid defends the WWE Title against The Undertaker. And here comes Shawn Michaels and his career ending knee injury to do commentary. Look at Shawn bounce down the aisle! Ah, the miracles of Mighty Putty.
-To further drive home Bret Hart’s new bad attitude, he comes out to yell at everyone (even using the word “pussyfoot”) before Sid powerbombs him. That’ll learn em.
-What follows is the most boring twenty minute match in the annals of WrestleMania history, one that is only fascinating because Michaels sits on commentary and runs his mouth about Bret while using a lame knee inury to avoid dropping the title legit. As a penance, Shawn was forced to age 35 years over the next 12.
-As Sid and Taker exchange the most basic of offensive slugs, Vince suddenly announces that the match is No DQ. Making up rules in mid match? Russo, that’s brilliant!
-Brawl. Brawl. Brawl. Table gets broken. Brawl. Brawl. Brian Griffin should be narrating this match for blind people. Except he would say “It’s over. A lot of people look relieved”.
-With Taker down, Sid would like to remind all of us to go visit camelclutchblog.com for all of the latest on sports, wrestling, MMA, American Idol, and life. In other words, he put Taker in the Camel Clutch. I hope this reference catches on. I’m trying, Eric.
-My word, this match is booooooooooring. Was there a dare in the office to make this match a reality? First, drunk JR said “Let’s put SID in the main event!”. Then drunk Brisco said “Let’s make him work 20 MINUTES!”. Then drunk Vince said “And he’ll face Taker so the pace will be SLOWER THAN USUAL!”. Then there was laughter, followed by drunk Patterson saying “I love you guys!” and the party came to an abrupt end. That Pat, what a buzzkill.
-Sid hits a pair of double axe handles! Amazing! I guess I have to rank it above a DUD now.
-Bret comes back out with a chair and hits Sid, because you can never have enough Bret. Except for his brother Bruce. Yes, Bruce seems to have had enough Bret for one lifetime.
-Sid manages to choke slam Undertaker and then signals for the power bomb, but Bret comes back out. He throats Sid across the apron, and the champ falls victim to the Tombstone to give Undertaker his second WWE Title. Horrible match, and Bret’s interference was moot, since Bret and Sid never wound up facing off. Still, Taker deserved the gold after the horrible angles he was forced to work over the years. So it definitely has a happy ending.
-CYNIC SAYS: Oh man, did Bret and Austin ever save this one. Without their contribution, it EASILY is the worst WrestleMania ever. Thankfully, they had the best match of all time, and that’s counting everything, not just WrestleManias. Both singles titles matches sucked, and the roster felt so thin that you could slide it through a car window to jimmy a lock with. I can’t believe this helped lead to the Attitude era, because fans today would piss all over this show.
So check out the submission match for sure, and the street fight as a curiousity. Everything else, feel free to avoid at all costs. But it’s not like you needed my permission. Just use common sense.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
-Greetings, brethren. Welcome to the first WWE WrestleMania of the Monday Night Wars era, which took place on March 31, 1996 at the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA. One thing you will discover for both this and WrestleMania 2000, which was in the same venue, is that Anaheim fans have a tendency to play dead at inopportune times. I theorized that they were all robots from some animatronic Disney parade and thus were deprived of emotions like elation, euphoria, and “Holy crap, why does Steve Blackman have a job?” I think maybe I judge the Anaheimers (Anaheimlickers?) too harshly.
-This was a watershed day for 12 year old Justin, as his childhood hero Shawn Michaels was either going to become WWE Champion for the first time, or fall short as he’d done in the past. I also watched the event alone, because my brother Josh had been boycotting WWF since Summerslam 1995 for having such a lousy product. He tuned in exclusively to WCW, which had the Dungeon of Doom. Lesson learned: Josh is a schmuck.
-Pre-show action including the Bodydonnas winning the Tag Team Tournament finals over the Godwinns, and The “Huckster” and “Nacho Man” both dying in their geriatric match. Six years later, that same senile Hulk Hogan would become WWF Champion, because Vince McMahon had buried most of the roster into oblivion. I can’t write comedy this good.
-Our hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler. While running down the card, Lawler brings up Forrest Lawn in reference to the Undertaker’s match with Diesel, and, for some reason, I get a mental image of a dead wrestler’s version of “Thriller”. Can you imagine Chris Candido and Louie Spicolli and Buddy Rose dancing in sync? “Cause it’s the filler! Filler fight! And we are out to job because it pays the bills, this is FIL-LERRRRRRR!”. Yeah, I’m going to Hell, but I’ll save your seat, since you laughed too.
-The opening contest is a six man tag, featuring Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson, and an increasingly frazzled Jake Roberts facing the impressive Camp Cornette, consisting of Vader, Owen Hart, and Davey Boy Smith. If Yoko’s team won, Yoko would get five minutes alone with Jim Cornette. You know,
I’ve made enough semi-humorous homosexual jokes for the first eleven WrestleManias, so I’m going to let this little sinker ball go without a swing.
-To say that Jake Roberts needs to wear a shirt at all times is a lot like saying that Ed Harris’ character in A History of Violence needs to wear grandpa-style sunglasses at all times.
-After Yokozuna launches Ahmed onto the heels, I wonder how far Ahmed would have gone if he wasn’t such an injury liability. He’s like what would happen if Vince told Bobby Lashley to imitate Suge Knight. Shame he injured himself and so many others, though.
-There’s nothing technically WRONG with this match, but it’s just meandering. There’s no real heat segment, and it’s like everyone’s just trying to “get their stuff in”. This is what Money in the Bank would look like in 1996. The thought of Yoko climbing a ladder is hilarious. The thought of Shelton Benjamin trying to do an over-the-ladder sunset powerbomb on Yoko is even more funny.
-Mr. Fuji is at ringside waving an American flag and I’m feeling queasy. And I’m American! Let’s just move on.
-Crowd comes to life for Jake, as he goes to town on Owen and Bulldog, and the fans scream for the DDT. Say what you will about WWE pushing has-beens, but the ones with enough residual heat to be fascinating still will always have a spot, especially if they can sell t-shirts and help mold the new generation. Hey, if Jake doesn’t spout his gospel here, what quote does Austin use at the King of the Ring coronation? Exactly.
-Jake lands the DDT on Owen, but wouldn’t you know it, Vader lays Jake out and squashes him with the Vaderbomb to give Camp Cornette the duke. Shame, because I wanted to see Yokozuna show us his Deliverance impression. Well, not really but still. I just don’t like Cornette, that’s all. Jim Cornette hated that last match, but didn’t make his opinion known until after Vince McMahon stopped paying him. Good to know.
-Now to the parking lot for the Hollywood Backlot Brawl between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Goldust. There’s no real way to end the match, but it’s strictly an excuse to have a wild brawl. Piper at this point was President (Good lord…) and was threatening to make a man out of Goldust. TOO MANY CHANCES TO MAKE THOSE KINDS OF JOKES! I wish I hadn’t blown my wads so soon! GAHHH, SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?
-So Goldust arrives in a gold Cadillac while wearing his ring attire (total pro), and Piper’s dressed like a crazed Arthur Fonzarelli. Piper attacks the car with a baseball bat and the fight is underway. I have to say, this is probably one of the most violent offerings yet seen in WWF. Between Goldust’s stiff shots and Piper’s go-for-broke swings with the bat, this looked as real as it could get. A few of Piper’s swings came dangerously close to Goldust’s head as well. Eat your heart out, ECW. Piper and Goldust are actually getting PAID.
-Question: it’s raining during this street fight, so why’s there a catering table outside? Wouldn’t that ruin the coffee and bagels? Just an observation.
-During the course of the match, Lawler utters the phrase “vintage Piper”. But he only says it once. C’mon, Jerry, that’s not going to be enough.
-Then we get the famed spot of Goldust running over Piper with his caddy, Piper falling off the hood, and then Goldust driving off. Piper then gets into a white Ford Bronco (oh crap….) and begins to give chase through the streets of Los Angeles. I think this was an aborted mission from GTA: Stamford Stories.
-Back to the arena now, as the fight will just have to continue later, hopefully before the show has ended. I wish there was a script in place so that we could make sure that—wait, there is? Oh, goodie!
-Dok Hendrix interviews Savio Vega and asks the all important question: “Savio, what does it feel like knowing that the only way you’ll get a push in this company is to overplay every Spanish stereotype there is?”. Ok, he didn’t ask that, but you know he was THINKING it.
-So it’s Savio Vega vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, pre-glass shatter, pre-knock off Rage Against the Machine music, pre-whoop-ass, pre-bottom line, pre-3:16, and pre-if you wanna see me set Vince on fire and then throw him into this gorge, give me a Hell Yeah. Instead, he’s an icy killer in the vein of Mickey Knox from Natural Born Killers. As opposed to being in the vein of Mike Knox from Natural Born Jobbers.
-Great line from Lawler, who is supposedly quoting Dibiase: “Have you noticed that the people who hate millionaires are the same people who buy lottery tickets?”. Sage words.
-Good give-and-take early on as the world’s forgotten just how good Savio was. He was a bit imposing with his stare, martial arts background, and build. I think he could definitely play the heel Carlito schtick. Shame he had his prime in this era.
-I should note that during this match, Piper apparently calls in from the chase, and we get “live” shots of the Bronco chasing after Goldust. Two things: one, this is silly. Two, they would NEVER in a million years cut away from one of Austin’s matches again to provide some silly fodder for another storyline.
-Just to prove that this is 1996, the Lou Thesz press gets zero reaction. Maybe the fans just hate Lou Thesz? He did marry a woman named Charlie, that’s enough reason to be weirded out by a dude.
-Referee Tim White gets bumped. I always thought Tim White reminded me of a flat-topped version of Dante from Clerks. Not sure why I mentioned it, but here it is anyway. Poor Tim White. Wasn’t even supposed to be here today.
-Austin smashes Savio’s head in with the Million Dollar Title, aka the best looking belt of all time, and then applies the Million Dollar Dream. Forgot “pre-Stunner” on the list. Dibiase revives White with a soda, and Savio’s out to give Austin the win. Big win for Stone Cold, but three months later, it would get even better….
-Another great line from Lawler, espousing more Dibiase wisdom: “The rich get richer; the poor get children!”
-More stock footage of “Piper” “chasing” “Goldust”. All we’re missing is Bob Orton as Al Cowlings. “THIS IS COWBOY! I HAVE PIPER IN THE TRUCK….BOB ORTON, YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS DAMMIT!”.
-Mr. Perfect interviews Diesel, who can’t hear Hennig over the size of his WCW contract. Cringe, Vince, cringe.
-Next up, a rather interesting match as it features the return of one Ultimate Warrior. He would be taking on someone making their WrestleMania debut, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, aka Triple H. At this point, Hunter had a different female escort to the ring each night, and in this case, it’s a rather comely blond by the name of Sable. Too. Many. Egos. In. One. Match.
-Warrior makes his grand return to a sizeable ovation, thus making the potential headache worth it for Vince, at least for tonight. Hunter attacks and manages to land the Pedigree…BUT WARRIOR GETS RIGHT UP! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOUR FINISHER IS A JOKE, HUNTER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WARRIOR NO SOLD IT, YOU DOPEY SUCKHOLER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-Sorry, but that felt good.
-Warrior finishes with the usual in about a minute and a half.
-Quick rant: Hunter would go on to kvetch and complain during the WrestleMania 2000 All-Day PPV event about this match, and his rant would reappear on Warrior’s burial DVD in 2005. Basically, he complains that Warrior didn’t do the match right, made Hunter look bad, and ruined the whole Mania experience for “The Game”. Reality time: Warrior needed to squash SOMEBODY in his return match. The match would have gone that way, regardless of the opponent, whether it was Hunter, 123 Kid, Bob Backlund, Jerry Lawler, Jeff Jarrett, or whoever. Hunter’s diatribe was meant to convince fans that Triple H meant something in 1996, when he was really just a heatless twig who latched onto the Kliq like an Ichabod Crane-looking parasite. To say that “Warrior ruined the experience” for him is an absolute joke, and more an exercise in post-relevance damage control. Hunter was a midcarder in 1996, and a very bland one. Nobody cared about Hunter until he inflated his physique and chained himself to Shawn Michaels on screen. Hunter’s just angry because Warrior will never return to WWE to return the favor. Point being: Warrior is the only man to beat Hunter and never lose to him, and that drives Jesus Almighty Paul Levesque insane. And I laugh.
-Moving on.
-Meanwhile, Todd introduces new WWF Superstar, Marc Marrow. Who? Oh, Marc MERO. Jeez, say it right you Pauly Shore wannabe. Mero wants us to look into his eyes. Ok, now what? Go into a trance and repeat “I will exploit dead wrestlers just to get on TV”? Oh wait, Hunter blames Sable for his loss and Mero defends her, leading to a pull-apart brawl that would be Mero’s first angle. When you rank the women that have escorted Hunter to the ring, in order of hotness, I think it goes, Sable, Stephanie (distant second), X-Pac, and Chyna.
-Remember, Mero jumped to WWF from WCW because he found WCW’s product to be distasteful. So he brought Sable with him to WWF and….should I really have to tell you the rest?
-More footage of the OJ chase. Do you think that for the money that Vince spent on obtaining the footage, he had to tell Duke Droese and Fatu “Sorry, we’re over budget and you’re being let go”?
-Next up, we have Diesel and The Undertaker in a match where the loser gets to go to WCW and help bury the company. Diesel informs us on camera that he is “the s^#t!”. Diesel would go on to become so lazy in WCW that he stopped saying the “the” part, and it somehow made more sense.
-Take note: we’re watching the first ever good match that Taker would have at Mania, as Diesel’s having a good stand-up brawl with him. That’s how you have a great match with Undertaker: stick him with an opponent that has a lot of signature moves, poses, and knows how to work the fans. Then Taker takes his best stuff and they piece together a match with all of the flair spots. When they’re not in the flair spots, they’re slugging it out in manly fashion. It’s such a simple formula, and it works every time. Take note: good matches aren’t about complicated moves. It’s about proper insertion and use of the big moves.
-Quick shout out to Wrestlecrap.com forum user Agent P, who is the latest winner of the “respond to my post first, win a mention in my column” contest. Good job, P. Thanks for reading.
-You know you’re watching a good Undertaker match when he takes time out of being a zombie to land a couple of cross bodies.
-Diesel hits a couple of Jackknife powerbombs, but Taker refuses to die. You can pretty much guess when someone’s on their way out when their finishing move is proven to be about as effective as a Swiss cheese condom. Undertaker goozles Diesel and prepares Big Daddy Cool for the inevitable.
-Flying clothesline? Check. Chokeslam? Check. Tombstone piledriver that spikes Diesel on his cranium? Check. The winner and now 5-0 at the big dance, The Undertaker. Really good match, one that reads like a primitive prototype for Taker’s matches with Batista. This wasn’t as fast paced, but it was definitely watchable and fun if you enjoy a good brawl. Diesel would stay motivated for about another six months before realizing “Hey, these Time Warner contracts are really cushy!”. Until that happens, BUY THE SHIRT!
-Meanwhile, Todd is stationed by a surveillance monitor, reporting that Goldust and Piper are nearing the arena. If that was Mean Gene, he would have said “Who’s driving erratically outside the Arrowhead Pond? Call the hotline and find out!”.
-So Piper chases Goldust back into the arena, rams the side of his car in a scary spot (you can even hear Vince audibly cringe), and the fight continues onward. They brawl backstage and even pass by Diesel (showing no ill effects, oops), and the fight spills into the arena. My question: where did they go? Did they stop at Sardis?
-As the fight makes it to the ring, the brawling becomes more intense. And by “intense”, I mean that Goldust repeatedly gropes Piper in very overt and non-ambiguous ways. This is the kind of match that drives Sarah Palin insane.
-Goldust puts a definitive coda on his twisted seduction by kissing Piper on the lips. Roddy then snaps, beats the hell out of Mr. Runnels, and strips his jumpsuit off to reveal black lingerie. If Goldust wanted to play mind games with Piper, he should have dressed as Bob Orton and followed him everywhere. Wait….Goldust’s brother is Cody Rhodes….Orton’s son is Randy…..Cody and Randy’s backstage segments have this bizarre sexual tension…..ummm. Can you guys give me a minute? I need to get a dustpan and broom, since I just blew my own mind.
-Piper kisses Goldust in return and destroys him to send him running, and technically “win” the match. Odd as it was, I have to admit it was entertaining. That’s all that matters, right? The real winner: ten year old Cody Rhodes, who learned from his brother’s folly and would grow to keep his sexual feelings more ambiguous. Yep.
-And now, the biggest match in my seven years as a fan: Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in a sixty minute iron man match for the WWF Title. I’d thrown a nearly full soda at the kitchen door one year earlier when Shawn lost to Diesel. This year? I had a whole case waiting in the fridge. Piss on me, Vince. My mom’s got a mop. Go ahead, try me.
-Nice training video shown for each man, complete with Bret being beaten up by his eighty year old dad, Stu. To be fair, Stu’s the white John Shaft. I don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to try him.
-So here’s the deal with the main event: there’s no way I can mock this match too deeply, given that it’s a near flawless scientific classic. On the other hand, I can’t make one hour of pure wrestling sound enthralling in a wordpad file, so there’s going to a LOT cut out for the sake of creating a fun read. So to anyone looking for a blow-by-blow of 62 minutes of wrestling, then my advance apologies.
-Shawn Michaels is introduced first, and manager/trainer/Hans Moleman’s biological father Jose Lothario comes out instead. This is, of course, a set up for Shawn making his grand entrance from a zipline above the arena. What would have happened if Shawn fell and was seriously hurt? How do you fill the next hour? I guess you could have Bret defend the title against someone else. That would be a hell of a conundrum, though.
-Earl Hebner gives miked up instructions for both Shawn and Bret, which is a nice touch, but I’m quivering with laughter when I consider that it’s those three in the ring together and Vince is at ringside. Hunter would be out here, but he’s too busy gluing his dignity together backstage.
-Two quick notes: one, for a crowd that’s as mostly dead as Anaheim is, I think you’ve run the wrong match type for the main event. Sixty minutes of straight wrestling? Biting off more than you can chew here. Also, in hindsight, I truly think Shawn Michaels was a better technical wrestler than Bret Hart. Bret may have been more precise, but Shawn seemed to display deeper variety (especially here) and seemed to have better improvisational skill. My opinion, of course.
-During the early going, Shawn keeps working over the arm with various armdrags and fujiwara holds while I paced around the room. I kept waiting for one man to strike first and get the first fall. Not knowing was making me tense.
-The match spills outside and we get the first big moment of drama: Shawn attempting Sweet Chin Music, Bret moving, and ringboy Tony Chimel getting wiped out instead. SICK shot for a non-wrestler to take. Gorilla Monsoon’s look of abject horror was to behold.
-The match turns into a shot for shot contest, with both men just hammering each other with stiff looking punches. Bret says in his book that Shawn was hitting him for real, but it’s okay with me. Bret was taking six months off to sit at home and film a long forgotten Western series, so I think that’s a little minor.
-Over twenty minutes in and we go back to the armwork some more. I have to admit, without me growing concerned about Shawn losing, this is starting to drag. I can’t slag it because it’s so precise, but geez, was this really the best course to go on? It’s no wonder WWF didn’t try another Iron Man match until 2000.
-Bret avoids Sweet Chin Music by sliding to the floor, so Shawn goes up the buckles and comes off with the Super Shawn crossbody. Finally, another moment of real drama. We’re only nearly thirty minutes into this thing, you know.
-Back inside and the Hitman begins to work the back. Bret hammers and clubs away, setting up for a potential Sharpshooter. Somehow, if Shawn had lost on a submission, I think my childhood would have ended that day, and I would have grown up to be a bitter, self-righteous, pious jerk who swore he was right about everything. Thankfully, I don’t think Wrestling Observer ever got my application.
-As an aside, McMahon and Lawler are absolutely on their game calling this one. Other than Lawler making a couple cracks about Stu Hart, they’ve dissected the match and explained every move and every action in minute detail. Kudos to both men.
-Shawn flips over the post and ends up landing on Jose Lothario. Good Moleman to you, Jose.
-Meanwhile, 12 year old Justin could barely watch. This is why WWF markets to 12 year olds: it’s an easier demographic to sell drama to. My sweaty brow certainly was buying into this.
-Many pin attempts later, and still no fall. We’re three quarters of the way through and still no pins. Insane. Then Bret lands his through-the-ropes suicide dive and the fans are on their feet. Getting closer.
-Shawn gets his patented forearm and kip up, and I watch as Shawn hits about twelve big moves in a row and is unable to pin Bret. DAMN IT ALL! Bret just won’t die! Vince, PLEASE ring the bell! I’m begging you!
-Now we’re under a minute to go and Shawn’s slooooowly climbing the buckles. Please please please please……CRAP! BRET CATCHES SHAWN IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! I distinctly remember my skin color turning Sheamus-white at this point.
-The bell sounds without Shawn giving up and it’s apparently a draw at 0-0. I was speechless. And then Monsoon conferred with Finkel and it’s announced that we’re going to sudden death! YES! Of course, with my luck, Bret just rolls in and pins the exhausted Shawn. I had a bad feeling.
-So Bret’s pissed about having to do 2 more minutes of work, but he gets in there and lays a beating on Shawn’s back some more. Finally, a cross corner whip sees Shawn catapult himself over Bret and land the Sweet Chin Music. I screamed at my TV like those rednecks on Youtube who got mad at CM Punk at Extreme Rules 2009. Of course, I was 12. Don’t judge me.
-Finally, it happens: Bret stands and is wobbly, and Shawn pastes him with a second Music for the pin and his first WWF World Title. Great, great match that you have to watch in the right context to fully appreciate. Shawn can barely celebrate with a smile, because he’s so exhausted and trying to mask his tears. All of Shawn’s hard work (and maybe a little schmoozing) paid off.
-I went to bed that night with a wide smile on my face. Because back then, I wasn’t the cynical smark that I am now. I was just a kid who wanted to see his favorite wrestler win the big one. And he did. And THAT is why I have no problem with WWE marketing to kids these days: when those kids watch John Cena or Rey Mysterio or Undertaker or DX or anyone else that they love win the big match, they have a very happy moment that brings them back. I should know. This was mine.
-CYNIC SAYS: Six matches, but let’s break it down: Shawn and Bret is an all time classic. Diesel/Taker and Austin/Savio were both well above average. The backlot brawl was entertaining crap that didn’t detract from things in the least. The opening six man tag was fun, if disjointed. And who doesn’t love to see Hunter get crushed in ninety seconds?
It’s hard to find fault with this show other than the notions that it was in a bad time period, the crowd was quiet, and it was short on match quantity. Watching this show for two hours and forty five minutes is not punishment at all, and I would wholeheartedly declare this to be the most underrated WrestleMania in history. It’s not a one match show at all. It’s a show with one great match and a damn fine supporting cast.
If you wanna see a one match show, wait till my next review.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
Why can’t wrestling be unpredictable? There used to be a time when I could watch wrestling and be surprised. Lately I can’t say that. Maybe it’s my own wrongdoing because I go to the wrestling internet sites. But lets be serious you can watch WWE programming and figure out where they are going with the storylines most of the time.
The largest build of storylines where it’s the most predictable appears to be during the road to WWE Wrestlemania build every year. As Eric Gargiulo and I discussed on “The Still Real to us Show”, we have had our surprises this year (Cena, then Batista wins the WWE Championship at Elimination Chamber) but we have had our predictable outcomes as well (Edge chooses Y2J). Sadly we have had some more predictable outcomes as we continue towards the path of Wrestlemania 26.
The last couple of weeks I have written blogs on where I see the Wrestlemania 26 card going. So far I’ve done pretty well with my predictions and missing a couple matches for the big show in Glendale. I feel like after what I saw this past Monday night on Raw I have once again done pretty well for myself.
Let’s go straight for the obvious right now with the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon match. We knew in some form this was going to happen, we just didn’t know how. There were reports out last week that the WWE Championship match would be a tag team match with Cena & Hart vs. Batista & McMahon and that Hart would win the WWE Championship. As of right now it appears that’s not where they are heading to this.
For the 2nd time in three weeks Vince McMahon has accepted a challenge to take on Bret Hart at Wrestlemania 26. We are to believe that Bret Hart has suffered a leg injury from the car backing into him and that is the reason why Vince accepted the challenge. It makes decent sense on why Vince McMahon, who was a commentator during Bret’s era, would go on a face the former five-time WWE Champion.
But are we really going to get a bad leg Bret Hart for WM26? I don’t think so. I believe we are going to get some sort of swerve where Bret was behind it the whole time finally some sort of contract signing where he shows Vince and the rest of the “WWE Universe” that it was all a hoax for Vince to wrestle Bret at Mania. Either way I am happy that we are going to get to see Bret Hart at WM26, in what capacity I’m not sure, wrestling one more time at Wrestlemania.
The other matchup that looks like is setting up a Wrestlemania match is the Randy Orton vs. Legacy handicap match at the March 8th Raw. If you believe that we will be seeing a Cody Rhodes turn his back on Ted DiBiase angle, I am right there with you. There have been talks of Orton/DiBiase at WM26 since almost last summer (similar to Jericho/Edge), to not pull the trigger this close in the game is huge.
As I said on this past week’s “The Still Real to us show” (which you can still download at www.wheelhouseradio.com) I believe that Ted DiBiase is headed towards a big baby face push. I believe that Ted DiBiase can be World Champion material overtime. I’m sure that creative isn’t essentially happy with how well they have developed him over the years since he debuted but he still has that “look.”
I believe we will see Rhodes turn on DiBiase and set up an Orton/DiBiase match at WM26. Hopefully this match will catapult the career of Ted DiBiase and the career of Cody Rhodes as well. With more attention given to Rhodes as a singles competitor we may see him also blow up this year as a future main eventer.
It just sucks to see the writing on the wall in wrestling most of the time but I guess that’s why we keep coming back for more and writing these blogs every week. Once again I have got to take my hat off (as if I’m wearing one as I write this?) to the WWE creative team who is firing on all cylinders right now as we head to WM26. This is shaping to be one of the best cards at Wrestlemania that we have seen in years.
We left Raw knowing that next week we will be building to an Orton/DiBiase (with the handicap Orton vs. Legacy bout) match and also the makings of a Triple H/Sheamus (where Sheamus kicked Triple H to end Raw) match, while adding onto the Hart/McMahon and Cena/Batista (the Cena/McMahon match) bout. Those are two mid-card matches for WM26 and arguably a Main Event/Mid-Card/Special Wrestlemania match when discussing Hart/McMahon.
I’ll save it for another blog or for the next “Still Real to us show” with Eric Gargiulo and I; but if I’m TNA right now I have to be worried as I head into the March 8th Monday Night Wars showdown. WWE is exciting and fun to watch heading to their biggest show of the year while TNA is giving us two legends that shouldn’t be in the ring anymore and can’t keep their personal lives in order.
Jeff also co-hosts “The Still Real to us show” with Eric Gargiulo which can be available at www.wheelhouseradio.comand can be downloaded in the “Real Guy Radio” section of the site. There you can also download many different shows including “The Wheelhouse”, “24 on 24″ and “Lost: Smoke Monsters and You.”
If you would like to subscribe to “The Wheelhouse” on iTunes simply subscribe for free at iTunes by typing in “Wheelhouse Radio!”
-So we come upon an interesting show: one that is generally panned as one of the weaker entries in the annals of WrestleMania history, yet is also considered a show that helped save the WWF. On April 2, 1995, WrestleMania emanated inside a shopping complex at the Hartford Civic Center in Hartford, CT. The WWE at this point was in shambles, due largely to a stale and cartoony product. WCW was picking up steam due to the acquisitions of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage, and would soon be knocking on Vince McMahon’s door with Monday Nitro. What to do?
-You bring in a retired all-pro linebacker, that’s what you do. But hey, we have time to get back to that. On with the show!
-Here to sing the national anthem, Kathy Huey who is a Special Olympian. She actually does a good job, given her condition, and it makes me feel good to see that sometimes Vince McMahon can show some sensitivity and compassion.
-Our hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler, with Jim Ross doing post match interviews in the aisleway. It should be noted that Ross did most of the interviews while shrouded in darkness, so that we couldn’t see the aftermath of his bout with Bell’s Palsy.
-Please don’t try and tie the last two thoughts together; I won’t be held responsible for your anguish.
-Hey, remember last year when Bret and Owen Hart kicked things off with a stellar match? This time it’s….The Allied Powers and the Blu Brothers. Because, you know, incredible opening matches are just SO 1994! The Blus have Uncle Zebekiah with him, who is Dutch Mantell. Could Dutch come up with an opener this bad when he worked in TNA? I believe he could.
-The Powers, for the unaware, are Lex Luger and Davey Boy Smith. Wow, Lex is opening? In a perfect world, sure, but I just never thought I’d see the day.
-The match is nothing more than a six minute exhibition to show the world that yes, Luger and Bulldog have plenty of power moves and that, yes, Luger can be forced to jerk the curtain. So I kind of half got what I wanted.
-I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Vince referenced the Battle of Normandy during the ring intros for some reason. That was the basis for the 1998 Tom Hanks Movie “Saving Jobber Luger”.
-Bulldog gets Jacob Blu with a top rope sunset flip for the pin. No one ever noticed that Jacob and Eli Blu was similar to Jake and Elwood Blues. Slick could have managed them in the Cab Calloway role. They’re on a mission from God….to completely suck.
-JR, the Phantom of the BBQ, interviews Zeb in the aisle, but the production on this show is so shoddy, you can’t make anything out. Bret vs. Owen ain’t got spit on this, kids.
-Nicholas Turturro of NYPD Blue tries to do an interview backstage, but the production woes continue. If that was his brother John holding the mic, everything woulda been smoother. Why hasn’t WWE had a character like Jesus Quintana? I already know what his catchphrase would be, but Eric’s never going to print it. So just look it up.
-123 Kid and Razor Ramon try an interview, but the production is bad there as well. Did Vince have to give a large up front fee to one of the celebs and it detracted from the show’s production? Just how much WAS Steve McMichael holding out for?
-Next up, we have Razor Ramon and Jeff Jarrett for the IC Title. Jarrett, the champ, is seconded by The Roadie, who was not quite fat yet. Razor has Kid, who is wearing something out of the Royce Gracie Ladies collection. Seriously, if Kid didn’t have a slight five o’clock shadow, he looks like Alanis Morissette dressed as a ninja.
-Quick shout out to Wrestlecrap.com forum member Jazzman, who is really big on Miles Davis and lives in New York. He won a mention just by responding to one of my posts. That’s right, I’m so bored with this show already that I’m giving out space to random strangers. I feel like Vince when he hires the guest hosts for Raw. “TIMBA-WHO?”
-Razor attacks, because he’s sneaky, and goes to town on Jarrett, who at the time was basically a heatless champion with a nasally hick voice that leeched off of a 1970’s heel act and seemed overly dated. Nowadays he….umm….yeah.
-Roadie helps Jarrett cheat and get to safety at various points. You know, The Road Dogg never gets his due. Yeah, he got lazy in the ring in later years, but he made bland talents like Jarrett and Billy Gunn look exceptional with his timing, natural ability, quick wit, and penchant for working the crowd. When DX was him, Gunn, X-Pac, and HHH, it was Dogg that had the most charisma. Shame that drugs dragged him down, because if he had a better look, he’d have easily been a main eventer. Oh, you didn’t know?
-Jarrett tries to take a walk after Roadie saves him from a Razor’s Edge, but is scared back to the ring by the Kid. What was Kid gonna do, sing “You Oughta Know”?
-Good seesaw battle, as at this point, Scott Hall was a damn fine worker for a man his size. I always liked his matches with Jarrett, because Hall could bring the charisma and timing, and Jarrett would do the basic legwork, and it evened out.l Kudos to both.
-Things begin to drag late in the match, when both men knock each other out on a couple of occasions. Way to bring it for the biggest show of the year.
-Jarrett manages to get the Figure Four, but Razor reverses. Soon, Razor goes into his finishing sequence, but Roadie clips him on the Edge attempt for the cheap DQ. Kid runs in to even things out and busts out a couple of pre-DX crotch chops. Awesome. Know what’s the opposite of awesome? All four of these men were in TNA in 2002, working in the main angle that ended one of the weekly PPV’s. It would have happened sooner, but Dogg was still under house arrest for his drug probation. Good thing TNA learned their lesson and stopped using drugged-out has beens.
-Meanwhile, Turturro catches up with Shawn and Sid as he does his best to try and find Pamela Anderson. Did he check the men’s room stall? I think his career was floating in the commode. Also, Sid screams and Jenny McCarthy covers her ears. Fun Jenny McCarthy fact: if you refuse to give her attention, she pouts and yells “MY KID HAS AUTISM!”. What a whiner.
-At ringside, former Chicago Bear Neil Anderson has a chance to kill Todd Pettengill and doesn’t take it. This makes Justin sad.
-Up next, Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy in a match over a stolen urn. Screw People’s Court, the ring is the best place to settle petty crime. Vince takes a moment to mention that Taker is undefeated at Mania. Hmmm….
-Your referee for this match: Striking baseball umpire Larry Young. He will face the CEO of Caesars in the finals for “least important WrestleMania celebrity ever”
-Bundy’s staggering through this match. I like the guy, but this was definitely a weird person to make a comeback, considering he didn’t have his 1980’s mobility. Undertaker gets bored with trying to have a passable match, steals the urn back from Ted Dibiase at ringside, and hands it to an overjoyed Paul Bearer. If the urn was a missing child, Bearer the kid’s dad, and Bearer acted that happy to see him again with that facial expression, I think I’d call Chris Hansen next.
-Kama comes to ringside and steals the urn, either to put a curse on it or give it as a gift to one of his escorts. The advantage of having multiple gimmicks. Next up on Schizo Wrestler Happy Hour: Glen Jacobs pulls a kid’s tooth, sets it on fire, and then says “Wanna see how I look in leather chaps?”.
-To further distract us from the thrillingly slow paced match, Quasi-Rosso interviews Kama, who promises to melt the urn down and make a chain out of it. There’s an idea for WWE films: melting a mystical urn and it creates a curse! Like whoever wears it will forget all but three moves.
-Taker ends it with a flying clothesline to improve to 4-0. His record in Mania matches that are actually good is still 0-0.
-Pamela Anderson is missing! So is Jimmy Hoffa, but I don’t see Nick Turturro looking all disheartened over that.
-MONGO! Wow, this show had the two best Horsemen ever: Mongo and Sid. Sid has half the brain you do and Mongo has twice the charisma of Paul Roma. All we need is Ole and Benoit and my dream stable is set.
-Meanwhile, Bob Backlund plays chess with a tentative looking Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Why’s he so nervous looking? Did Terry Garvin whisper something into his ear?
-Now for something with a bit more meat to it: The Smoking Gunns defend the tag straps against Owen Hart and a mystery partner, who is the returning Yokozuna. Speaking of meat, MAN Yoko got fatter during the layoff. He’s a blonde rug away from looking like Tammy Sytch. Owen picked Yoko for the simple reason that he’s beaten Bret. I love that little character touch that makes Owen look so petty. Basically, he’s just playing the role of his brother Bruce, who was watching with a beer in one hand while muttering “If only I were 6′2, if only I were 6′2….”
-The basic story is that when Owen’s in, the Gunns beat the hell out of him, but when he tags Yoko, the big man dominates. Basically, it’s Jeri-Show, V1. The Gunns were a decent team, but it was 1995 and nobody was taking cowboys seriously anymore. This was the first time I ever cheered for Yoko, as I just wanted Owen to have a belt. I don’t even care if he beat Alundra for the Women’s Title. I would have supported his decision.
-The Gunns manage to hit the Sidewinder, but the ref counts slow for some reason and Owen kicks out. See? Even the ref thinks that Owen deserves a belt more than Billy “Screaming means Selling!” Gunn.
-Wait, THAT’S why the ref slowed the count: he couldn’t end it until Yoko came in and applied a nervehold! That’s like ending one of Rock’s matches before he can do the People’s Elbow. All the pros have to get their moves in, man! It’s just how wrestling works!
-After Bart takes a header to the floor, Yoko CRUSHES Billy with a belly to belly and then lands the Banzai drop to an INCREDIBLE pop. Yoko tags Owen and you can hear the fans buzzing. Owen was just so fun to watch that even though he was a bitter heel, the fans wanted to see him compensated in some way. Sure enough, he pins dead Billy to get his first taste of WWF gold. He celebrates with both belts like a maniac in a truly priceless moment.
-Lawler says that Cornette exclaimed “Michael Jordan AND Yokozuna are back”. Well, except these days, you still hear rumors that Jordan’s mulling another comeback. Yoko? Not so much.
-Pettengill goes to interview Bam Bam Bigelow and the production snafus continue. This is like the production value on the set of an amateur porn. Umm, not that I would know how that goes….
-Up next is an I Quit match, where the loser must say “I QUIT” over the microphone. Quick time out to mention #11 for Mr. Howard Finkel. You go Howie.
-Rowdy Roddy Piper is the guest referee for this grudge match between Bob Backlund and Bret Hart, which Bret had the audacity to call the worst PPV match of his career. Concussions seem to have made him forget War Games 1998 but screw it, it’s Bret’s book.
-The match starts out as one would expect, with some back and forth feeling out, followed by frenzied attempts to get a submission from one another. Although the two men have a certain level of gravitas built up over their feud, Piper kills the mood by yelling “WHADDYASAY?!” over the mic during the submission attempts. Piper’s going to make a great homeless guy that hands out pamphlets one day, I can just feel it.
-Bret’s not comfortable at all, and Piper’s throwing him completely off his rhythm. Funny moment as Lawler tries to bring up the fact that Bret beat somebody kinda important at WrestleMania 8, and goads Vince into guessing who. Vince guesses the British Bulldog, and Lawler is flabbergasted. Way to play dumb, Vince. Just for a goof, Lawler should ask Michael Cole who Randy Orton beat for his first World Title.
-Bret locks Backlund in a Figure Four and Piper’s weird motions prompt Lawler to ask if he’s hitting Backlund with the mic. Piper hauling off and beating a man with a microphone is funny, regardless of the context. Also, Lawler insults the French commentators for being ugly. Notice how bored I am? I’m bored.
-Backlund begins to work the arm, setting up for his crossface chicken wing. Crowd is just enthralled I tells ya. Fortunately, Bret doesn’t want to keep his rat waiting, so he reverses Backlund’s chicken wing attempt into one of his own for the submission win. Remember how Bob was supposed to say “I QUIT?”. He just simply said “YEAH!” instead. What a gaffe by Backlund. Maybe he was in charge of the production staff for this show?
-Backlund says he saw the light. Then he was hit by the train. Stupid train.
-Pamela Anderson is missing, so the sympathetic WWF does the right thing and….pairs Jenny McCarthy with Shawn instead? Because, you know, if someone’s inexplicably missing, they just replace them instead of being worried. Tonight, Jenny McCarthy gets to play Johnny Nitro to Shawn’s CM Punk, then.
-Technical difficulties during a Diesel promo. This is as opposed to Diesel’s NORMAL difficulties, which include tearing his quad while running on a canvas.
-So the celebrity roll for the World Title match: Not-John Turturro (ring announcer), JTT as the kids called em (timekeeper), Jenny Mcarthy (Shawn’s broad) and….Pamela Anderson (Diesel’s broad). Pamela looks gorgeous as she always did in this time period, but is so bored to be here. You know, because Baywatch is so much more dignified and classy.
-Diesel beats down Shawn Michaels before the bell, with his song still playing, and then poses for the pyro with CJ Parker. I love when they make the heels look like dipwads in big situations. You know you’re in a “kid friendly” era when the heels look dumber than Batman villain sidekicks. Speaking of which, does anyone else think Cody Rhodes and Burt Ward are related?
-Shawn takes another header to the floor and a cameraman gets wiped out. Did I mention there’s like 50 cameramen there at ringside? It’s like the queue outside Spago when Kim Kardashian goes out to dinner.
-Now for a fun spot, as Shawn tries to slide between Diesel’s legs and gets double goozled, lifted, and dropped onto the top rope for the classic crotch-the-villain spot. Some things never get old. There must be a law of wrestling that states that no babyface must do the horsey-ride-on-the-top rope spot ever.
-Shawn decides “Screw this, I’m stealing the show again”, and performs the super reverse cross body off the top onto the floor on Diesel. Damn, I was hoping he’d wipe out a few more paparazzi.
-In hindsight, Vince was nuts for making Nash his guy. The one he should have pushed to the top was Razor Ramon, who had a better name, more charisma, was a better wrestler, and was in his prime. You have Shawn beat Razor for the IC belt in the fall of 1994, THEN have RAZOR beat Backlund for the title, then you do champ vs. champ at WrestleMania, so Shawn can cash in the “I beat the champ once, I can do it again” saga. Instead, there’s reserved Kevin Nash shoehorned into being Biker Hogan. Does anyone have the financials for 1995 handy? I need a good laugh.
-Shawn has to resort to a sleeper to try and keep Nash down. A sleeperhold on a boring champion. Mmmm, delicious coincidence. Another reason that this match wasn’t quite perfect is that Shawn’s the villain, but he’s fighting from underneath. Why not have Sid demolish Diesel outside the ring to make it 2 on 1 and make Diesel the underdog since he’s, you know, the babyface? I hope this doesn’t make too much sense, now.
-As the fight spills to the outside, Earl Hebner tries to jump out to keep Sid at bay, but twists his ankle on the landing. This is kinda important, because when Diesel and Shawn get back into the ring, Shawn nails him with Sweet Chin Music, and Hebner is nowhere to be found. Take note, Bret: Shawn never whines about the “Hartford Screwjob”, so you need to let go of your anger, man. Hebner is finally thrown back in by Sid, and Diesel kicks out on two. Crowd seems kinda sad and I, as a Shawn fan, was bummed, but hey, I don’t see HBK smashing monitors now.
-So to help swing things Shawn’s way, Sid cuts off the turnbuckle pad with a pocket knife. Is Sid such a pathetic wuss that he needs to cut the pad off? Just untie it or rip it, you fool. Notice that I didn’t make the “You mean he didn’t bring his scissors?” joke. I feel that I’m above certain lowbrow humor.
-After Shawn tries for the exposed buckle, Diesel blocks and lands a back suplex, then he begins to “rev up” with his “Diesel Power”. When Hogan does it, it’s cartoony and fun, but when Diesel does it, he just looks like a total tool and the fans let him know it. Who would have guessed that Diesel would be the funny one of the now just 14 or 15 months from now? Certainly not me?
-Rev rev rev, rev some more and Diesel ends it with the Jackknife to thoroughly piss me off and make me swear off WWF for about 26 seconds. 11 year old Justin was not happy. Diesel then celebrates with the B-level celebrities to put a definitive stamp on his title reign. Great match, thanks to Shawn, but the bad taste was evident.
-Sid cuts a crazed promo backstage while Shawn makes disgusted faces. Was Shawn disgusted over losing, or over Sid’s promo? We may never know for sure.
-Salt n Pepa perform “What a Man”, and I’m under the assumption that Jason Knight of ECW is coming out. Two great bits of comedy: in the show’s opening montage, Salt n Pepa posed with a smiling Bret Hart in a video that Julie’s lawyer called “Exhibit 56J”, and then Vince tops the insanity when Pepa shakes her booty at the camera by going “WOOOOOOOOOW”. For once, it seems Bret and Vince can agree on something.
-So Vince introduces each man’s entourage for the main event. On the heel side, King Kong Bundy, Tatanka, Nikolai Volkoff, Kama, IRS, and Ted Dibiase. For the faces, NFL all-pros Ken Norton Jr, Chris Spielman, Rickey Jackson, Carl Banks, Steve McMichael, and Reggie White. Wow, the NFL players have more collective United States Titles than the heels. That’s incredible.
-Bigelow and LT make their entrances. If that’s the best they can do for LT’s song, then Vince must harbor some hatred on the man. Maybe four years earlier, Vince had bet $50,000 on “no way Scott Norwood misses this kick”. I’m an Eagles fan, but c’mon Vince, no hate necessary.
-Pat Patterson is the referee. That’s because he knows LT’s laid some mean hits on wide receivers, and has even split open a few tight ends. Alright, I’m done now, I promise.
-Ever wonder why Bigelow got to be LT’s opponent? Rather than teach LT to throw worked forearms and punches, they just said to themselves “Who on the roster can take the world’s deadliest forearm smash and only be slightly fazed?”. Bam Bam, duh! LT throws some scary forearms too. If that were a lesser man taking them, he’d look like Mike Tyson after the Lennox Lewis fight.
-LT lands a nice bulldog as well. That’s the real reason Pat’s the ref: to communicate with Taylor as an experienced vet and help keep the flow going. It’s those little subtle tricks from WWE that you have to admire.
-The cornermen get into a skirmish just to add to the fun of the match, which has actually been pretty good by celebrity standards. Taylor even sells admirably, especially when Bigelow works in some submission holds. Now would be a good time to have Bill Parcells as LT’s manager. “GET UP! BE HURT ON YOUR OWN TIME!”. That’d be fun.
-Bigelow lands the moonsault, but blows out his knee and cannot cover. Maybe LT lived up to his reputation and sent some hookers to Bigelow’s room the night before? Maybe those hookers also went to Bundy’s room. That might possibly explain why a flying clothesline kept him down for the three count.
-LT gets himself a nice pop from the crowd by landing kind of a half powerbomb, half gutwrench suplex on Bam Bam. For the lack of real substance in this match, I have to give credit and say that LT’s doing his part. The only thing missing is Joe Theismann in Bigelow’s corner. He can hit us with gems like “Great wrestlers make great matches” and then kvetch about how you’re watching the sloppiest match in the history of time. On the upside, ESPN football’s been more watchable without him and Tony Kornheiser.
-Now to bring it home, LT lands a couple more forearm shivers, followed by one giant one off the middle rope for the win. The NFL players celebrate while Dibiase chews Bigelow out for losing to a football player. Could be worse. Wait 18 months when he loses to an overrated mixed martial artist named Kimo. The real MVP of the match was Pat Patterson, who should do refereeing every time there’s an inexperienced or potentially awkward performer involved. In other words, he would become Drew McIntyre’s personal ref. That might look fishy.
-The NFL players get down with Salt n Pepa to close things out. It’s not quite the Super Bowl Shuffle, but I guess I’ll take it. I’ve learned not to be too picky with shows from this era.
-CYNIC SAYS: Seven matches, eh? Granted, many things were accomplished. LT got the media attention that Vince wanted, Shawn and Diesel had a great match, Bret and Taker went over, Owen got his first belt, and Razor and Jarrett got their needed face time. Technically, I wouldn’t say this was a BAD show….
….but it wasn’t WrestleMania.
Had this been an In Your House, or even Summerslam, I don’t think it would have been given the flogging that it’s gotten over the years.
To put it insensitively, as a friend of mine did 15 years ago, the WWF’s involvement with the Special Olympics in this time period was interesting, since those events were held in Connecticut. The ACTUAL Olympics were held in Atlanta, the home of WCW, in 1996. So WCW’s backyard gets the world class athletes, and WWF’s stomping grounds host the events with the disabled and mentally challenged. I won’t make a joke here, but I will say that the parallel was definitely worth noting.
Solid show, but nothing I would call good. See you next time, as we discuss a sixty minute match and the inherent perils of trying to transcribe it into readable text.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
Score this season with sports betting, live NCAA basketball odds and March Madness Betting matchups with the only online sportsbook offering up to 295% in total bonuses for NCAA betting.
When you hear the name “WrestleMania” you think of the biggest event of the year for the WWE. A culmination of a year of well thought out feuds and rivalries and a card that will leave you awestruck when you watch it. Let me tell you, that is not the case with the WrestleMania events you are about to read about.
The WWE will close out the road to 
-What makes this show fascinating is that my brother’s senior trip to Florida began the day before the event, and he didn’t make it home until Wednesday night afterward. He had just got back into 
-Greetings, brethren. Welcome to the first WWE 
Why can’t wrestling be unpredictable? There used to be a time when I could watch wrestling and be surprised. Lately I can’t say that. Maybe it’s my own wrongdoing because I go to the wrestling internet sites. But lets be serious you can watch WWE programming and figure out where they are going with the storylines most of the time.
-So we come upon an interesting show: one that is generally panned as one of the weaker entries in the annals of 
