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Mr. Monday Night Returning To Monday Nights

March 05, 2010 By: Chris Behringer Category: WWE / Pro Wrestling

Rob Van DamTo nobody’s surprise (well maybe the surprise of TNA officials), word has been leaked about TNA’s signing of quite arguably, pro wrestling’s biggest free agent; Rob Van Dam. The addition of the former joint WWE/ECW Champion is sure to give TNA’s live Impact this coming Monday a boost in the ratings against WWE Raw. And while RVD coming back to a televised wrestling program is welcome, to me, it would have made more sense to have him debut in 2 weeks (the night Austin is supposed to host Raw).

The addition of Rob Van Dam to the TNA roster will also provide some fresh, new matches for Monday night wrestling & Pay Per Views that fans either haven’t seen before or have not seen in a long time. Looking at the current TNA roster, these would be my top 5 picks for matches featuring the Whole F’ing Show.

5. RVD vs. Sting - I’m not sure if this has ever been done. Even though Sting is getting up there in age, he knows how to bring his A game for the big matches. A meeting between the two legends is a must at some point on PPV.

4. RVD vs. Nigel McGuinness (Desmond Wolfe) - Smart mark dream match right there. Plus, TNA would probably pull a nice portion of ROH fans in for this one. Definitely a PPV match that should not be given away for free.

3. RVD vs. Elijah Burke (D’Angelo Dinero) - Yes, we’ve seen it on WWE’s ECW. For those who haven’t, Burke was the leader of a faction called The New Breed that was trying to take over ECW & waged war against the ECW Originals. Burke is highly underrated and could have a Hell of a good match with RVD. I’m also predicting this to be a big year for Burke. WWE dropped the ball big time with him. But I digress…

2. RVD vs. AJ Styles - A lot of people would pick this as their #1 money match. I have something else in mind. But a match between RVD & AJ, keep in mind NO outside interference, & a good half hour has the potential to be SICK. This will probably be the most high flying, innovative spot match known to man. And it will be one Hell of an enjoyable ride.

1. Extreme Grudge Match 10 Years in the Making: RVD vs. Rhino - Your storyline goes back to the old ECW when RVD was forced to vacate the Television Championship due to injury. Rhino captured the TV Title & went on to win the ECW Championship at Guilty as Charged 2001. RVD made a surprise return that night & it looked as if we were going to finally see RVD square off against ECW’s rookie monster, but it didn’t happen. Fast forward to ECW One Night Stand 2005; Rhino attacked an injured Van Dam, but no match between the two took place. Here we are 5 years later & TNA has the potential to really do something special here. Throw the rule book out the window. No outside interference. And for one night, give everyone an old ECW style match between the two. TNA, if you’re gonna make any match happen, make it this one. I don’t care if every other match on the card looks terrible; I will buy a PPV for this.

It will be interesting to see what extreme heights TNA gets taken to this coming Monday night.

Order the Best of RVD TV Vol. 1 on DVD by clicking here.

See Rob Van Dam beat John Cena at ECW One Night Stand DVD for the WWE title by clicking here.

Order the WWE – Rob Van Dam – One of a Kind DVD by clicking here.



Can the Sequel beat the Original Monday Night War

February 23, 2010 By: Zack Rabickow Category: WWE / Pro Wrestling

Monday Night Wars I have to say since World Wrestling Entertainment bought World Championship Wrestling and Extreme Championship Wrestling, wrestling has been a bit boring. Now I was 9 years old when WCW and ECW went out of business, and the only memories I have of the Monday Night Wars are of sneaking downstairs when I could not sleep and watching World Championship Wrestling or World Wrestling Federation.

Now compared to the late 90’s I know a whole lot more about pro wrestling then I did as and eight years old. I have expanded my knowledge of the wrestling industry and might I say I think we wrestling fans are in for a good ride.

Now back on the fourth of January I was highly impressed with TNA Impact and the show and some of the old wrestlers coming back. I was excited to see Hogan in TNA since I’m a big fan of his, I know some people criticize him for some things he does as a promoter, authority figure and such, but I hope he can keep it clean. My favorite wrestler in TNA is AJ Styles and I was glad to notice that Ric Flair has seemed to make AJ another version of himself. TNA needs in my opinion to push the young talent and AJ is one of them. Now the problem I have with them is bringing in guy’s like the Nasty Boys, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman who I think can’t really draw interest anymore, unless it’s dealing with NWO part 3.

WWE has just been doing whatever like pushing guy’s like Triple H, John Cena and others for a while now and I’d like to see them push guys like Ted Dibiase, R-Truth, and Kofi Kingston to name a few. Depending what TNA does WWE will have to pick up their game. Pushing new stars like Dibiase, Kingston, Sheamus, and Truth are that they could possibly not be that big of a hit like John Cena, Randy Orton and others. I think what they are doing at the Elimination Chamber PPV by putting all three of those guys in a chamber match could possibly increase the prestige of the three. Kingston has feuded with Orton and I was impressed with Kingston’s ability to feud with Orton. Dibiase I believe will turn face very soon and feud with Orton also. R Truth to me is the question mark for a few reasons. First he’s about 35 years old I believe and I don’t know if WWE thinks of him anymore then a Mid-card talent, though he did eliminate the Big Show and Mark Henry in the rumble.

TNA continues to bring in guys from WWE and/or past their prime. Guy’s like Mr. Anderson, Kurt Angle, and D’Angelo Dinero I’m fine with them being brought in because they all have GREAT mic skills. Wrestling ability is also up there. Look at what Angle has done with people like Desmond Wolfe, AJ Styles, and Samoa Joe.

Now in most cases the sequel is a lot of the time not as the great as the original. Some things that TNA will have to do are try to get the ratings up if they want to make this a true war. They will need to develop some new stars as does WWE. Creativity on TNA’S part could help, I know they have their own special matches and other things. I’d get a few more guys on creative to broaden ideas. I think they will get nowhere in this war unless they come up with some creative ideas. My opinion right now is that they will not win this war because they are just like WWE in a lot of ways.

Order The Monday Night War – WWE Raw vs. WCW Nitro DVD by clicking here.

Order Hulk Hogan’s Unreleased Collector’s Series DVD by clicking here.



What’s NXT for the ECW Roster

February 18, 2010 By: Chris Behringer Category: WWE / Pro Wrestling

ECWThe final nail in the ECW coffin was delivered this past Tuesday night in Kansas City, Missouri. In the wake of the final episode of ECW on SyFy, many fans are now left scratching their heads & wondering who from the ECW roster is going where. Let’s look at the roster as of the last episode of ECW & see where the talent might be best suited.

ECW Announcers Byron Saxton & Josh Matthews - Superstars. Raw & SmackDown! already have announce teams. Make them the permanent voices of the Superstars program.

Abraham Washington & Tony Atlas - Also keep them on Superstars. With the segments on Raw & SmackDown!, they would really serve no purpose on either program. But if I had to guess, they’ll go to Raw as a weekly segment featuring the guest host of the week. Sweeps! Shoot me now.

Caylen Croft & Trent Beretta - Superstars then eventually SmackDown!. The tag team division in WWE is severely lacking & it’s long past time to put new teams on each program. SmackDown! seems to be featuring more of the younger guys & they would fit in nicely here.

Christian & ECW General Manager Tiffany - This is a TOUGH one. I honestly think Christian & Tiffany would make a fun pairing to watch on either program. For now, also move them to SmackDown!. It could lead to an eventual reunion of Edge & Christian (which would be tremendous for the tag division). In the post WrestleMania Draft, move at least Christian to Raw. With TNA running against WWE on Monday nights, WWE is going to want the best roster possible on its flagship program. Christian brings A LOT to the table & is one of the more underrated talents on the WWE roster.

Goldust & Yoshi Tatsu - Time to break up the tag team. Both would be good additions for SmackDown! as well. Younger talent can get the rub by beating Goldust (former Intercontinental Champion) on TV. Tatsu can have some great singles matches with guys like RTruth, John Morrison, Rey Mysterio, etc.

Hurricane Helms - Superstars. It just seems like The Hurricane or Gregory Helms characters would be lost on both shows. Keep him on Superstars as a backstage interviewer & wrestler until something can be figured out.

Zack Ryder & Rosa Mendez - Raw. There is plenty of talent Ryder could have a great match with on the flagship program (Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, MVP). Raw seems to lack in the department of strong heels & Ryder would be a nice fit. At some point, the pairing of Ryder & a heel Miz or a feud between heel Ryder & face Miz is a must.

ECW Ring Announcer Savannah - Make her the permanent ring announcer of Superstars.

Shelton Benjamin - Raw. Pair him back up with Charlie Haas & reform the World’s Greatest Tag Team to strengthen the weak tag division.

Vance Archer - Superstars. Seriously; what do you do with Lance Hoyt?

Vladimir Kozlov - Raw. Slowly build him up to be a monster again by taking out guys like Bourne, Kingston, & others leading up to matches with guys like Mark Henry and tougher opponents. No reason he can’t be at least a solid mid-carder.

William Regal - SmackDown! & give him a World Championship push. Does he have a checkered history? Yes. But WWE put the ball in Jeff Hardy’s hand. It cannot hurt to give Regal a run with SmackDown’s top championship. It would be fresh & whoever eventually beats him for it would get a heck of a rub in the eyes of the fans.

ECW Champion Ezekiel Jackson - Why there was a title change on the last episode of ECW when the championship is being retired is beyond me. Smartest thing to do for the time being would be to keep him paired with Regal on whatever program Regal winds up going to.

Bloodsport : ECW’s Most Violent Matches.

Hardcore History: The Extremely Unauthorized Story of the ECW book.

Terry Funk: More Than Just Hardcore book.

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!

Rebooking ECW One Night Stand 2006

February 09, 2010 By: Chris Behringer Category: WWE / Pro Wrestling

ECW One Night Stand 2006There has been some talk on different sites about WWE rebranding ECW after WrestleMania this year. Let’s face it; the ECW brand has been the red headed step-child of WWE since it was restarted in 2006 & hasn’t really shined as a legitimate brand. Yes, stars have been spawned from it (CM Punk, John Morrison, & Sheamus come to mind). But beyond that, who or what has the ECW brand really helped?

Some people have asked me what I would do differently regarding ECW. If given a time machine & a WWE writing job, the answer would be a lot. But since I have neither of those things, let’s talk about it here. We begin with Rebooking the ECW One Night Stand 2006 PPV & events which transpired after. There are two key changes to the PPV card I would make:

World Heavyweight Championship Match – Sabu vs. Rey Mysterio (C)

Instead of ending this match in a no contest, I would have put Sabu over Mysterio, thus making Sabu the World Heavyweight Champion on the SmackDown! brand.

WWE Title Match & Ending of PPV – RVD vs. John Cena (C)

I would have put RVD over John Cena without the interference from Edge. The PPV could have then ended with RVD & Sabu both laying claim to be the ECW Champion.

Now, there are 2 ways to go from there.

The first would be to have WWE Champion RVD vs. World Champion Sabu in the first episode of ECW TV to determine an undisputed ECW Champion. That match as the main event would have ensured a strong rating for the debut of ECW on Sci-Fi.

But why settle for a high TV rating when you can milk the angle for a month & get a high PPV buy rate? Let’s pretend RVD & Sabu didn’t get busted for possession & WWE went this route. For a month, you’d have RVD & Sabu laying claim to the vacant ECW Championship. Naturally, both men could get in their rematches with their respective One Night Stand 2006 opponents as well as new challengers to their belts; both would retain their championships leading up to Vengeance & both men would be featured on all 3 brands of WWE programming.

At Vengeance, your main event becomes WWE Champion RVD vs. World Heavyweight Champion Sabu for the ECW Championship (you could also do title for title & for the ECW Championship, but that seems like overkill & takes away from the ECW Title) in an ECW style match. The winner becomes the first ECW Champion under the WWE umbrella & the brand can then be built around them. After the PPV, both men can drop the Raw & SmackDown! Titles and remain on the ECW show.

What does following this path accomplish? This does a few things; attracts more of the old ECW fanbase, legitimizes ECW stars in the minds of WWE fans, & makes the vacant ECW Championship seem like a championship worth fighting for.

As for the winner of the match, I would have had RVD win the ECW Championship at Vengeance against Sabu & have a long run with the belt up until WrestleMania the following year.

If you enjoyed this piece, let me know. I would like to follow it up with a “passing the torch” article. Until next time, stay extreme.

Bloodsport : ECW’s Most Violent Matches.

Hardcore History: The Extremely Unauthorized Story of the ECW book.

Terry Funk: More Than Just Hardcore book.

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!



E-C-Done

February 03, 2010 By: Justin Henry Category: WWE / Pro Wrestling

Paul Heyman and Vince McMahonThere’s something to be said about parts of your youth dying.

I’m 29 years younger than my father, who is the most patient, hard-working, logical, and studious influence on my life. He’s a man who can do any job, and do it efficiently. It doesn’t matter whether he’s fixing a car or renovating a room or building a porch or maintaining his sizable yard. He’s a jack of all trades. In his life, he worked his way up from working second shift at a glass molding plant, to becoming plant manager at a different plant, to becoming the vice president, a job he’s held for eighteen years and counting. Who needs a role model when I had resided with one?

As great as my dad is, like most fathers, he has a bit of a “generation gap” with his son.

He likes Harleys. I like wrestling. He restores clocks. I write editorials. He fishes. I ride my bike. He drinks beer. I drink exotic coffee. He likes Lynyrd Skynyrd. I like Metallica.

If we didn’t have the same eyes and cheshire cat grin, you would never guess that we were related.

A few years back, we were coming home from getting dinner from Wawa (if you don’t know what one is, don’t bother asking, because you weren’t meant to know) and he lamented the lack of a truly good “sub shop” like he’d had growing up. I mentioned, while holding the food, that we could always do Subway for dinner some night. He cringed, as if his mouth had spontaneously filled with lemon juice, and said “it’s not the same”.

I would have put up a minor fight, since Subway is my favorite place to eat (Chicken bacon ranch~!!), but I decided not to. I figured that it’s best to just disagree. Not that an argument would have been catastrophic between us, but it’s that we’re just different. He was born in 1954. The movie “Easy Rider”changed his life. I was born in 1983, and he rolls his eyes when I quote Pulp Fiction.

Though I love and respect my father in the fashion that anyone would love their own dad, I promised myself that I wouldn’t long for the past the way he sometimes does.

It’s not just my dad, either. There are hordes of people on this green and blue planet who grab at nostalgia as if it were a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s factory.

It’s because the present is scary, and the future is scarier.

Don’t believe me?

ESPN Classic. TV Land. Turner Classic Movies. The History Channel. Old TV series released in boxed sets on DVD. WWE 24/7. Cast reunion TV shows. Reunion tours of ancient bands.

What do we lament? We lament MTV not airing enough music videos to our liking, don’t we? Some of us griped about switching from VHS to DVD, because (at the time) you couldn’t record on a DVD. We are a generation that can complain about any change, from seatbelt laws to the death of an iconic celebrity to a TV show getting canceled, all the way down to movie theaters no longer airing useless trivia questions before the previews.

We hate change.

I vowed not to be that guy. I wanted to embrace new trends. I wanted to live in whatever year it so happened to be. It’s 2010. I have an MP3 player, not a Walkman. I have my hair in a fade, not a bowl cut. I’m up on modern politics and celebrity trends. I ogle Kim Kardashian, not Jenna Jameson. I can’t wait to watch St. Pierre-Penn, not Tyson-Holyfield. I try to go green.

I’ve done everything possible to not get hung up on a snag created by a relic of my youth.

Well, except one.

With the exception of Paul E. Dangerously himself, I might just be the world’s foremost ECW apologist. I grew up with the “tribe of Extreme” as a considerable chunk of the Justin Diet. Eleven year old Justin in the mid-nineties had few priorities. He had video games, a Pepsi addiction, his mountain bike, and his wrestling. While WWF and WCW were still “must see” to the obsessive fan writing this piece, the author knew that ECW….his beloved ECW….was unparalleled in the department of awesome.

I never fully understood the concept of lesbianism until Beulah and Kimona kindly taught me the wonders of femme fruition. I never knew that a cheese grater could make a handy weapon. I didn’t know that a man who weighed 140 lbs was even ALLOWED to wrestle until Rey Mysterio proved me wrong.

I didn’t know that wrestling could be so…..cool!

To this day, I can still rattle off the names of EVERY ECW Arena show, as well as their dates. I can recite all of the title histories, with city names and dates to boot. I can even do most of the PPV line-ups.

Granted, this isn’t stuff that I would list on a dating site profile, but still! Let me have my pride!

Even when ECW began to get stale in the late nineties, and at the turn of the century, I remained loyal. I cursed defectors who jumped ship. I went crazy for the violence. I appreciated sound mat wrestling when no other company in American on that scale offered it up. It was pure as it was decadent, a dichotomy of danger and honesty. I lived in the “Revolution” and was proud, like a foot soldier that was prepared to kick down the doors of those who disagreed.

Then it died.

I knew it was dead a week after the final pay per view, Guilty as Charged 2001, when the syndicated show was preempted in favor of a month old episode. The following week, the same episode aired yet again.

While I considered the simple truth that ECW just didn’t have enough money to operate any longer, I still couldn’t come to grips with it.

ECW was dead.

I read the newsboards as Justin Credible and Jerry Lynn and Rhino and Spike Dudley and Yoshihiro Tajiri all signed with WWF, like Titanic passengers filing into the life rafts. I kept checking ECW’s page, to see if there were any big announcements about their continued future. Sure, I was seventeen years old and had a semi-serious girlfriend, but geez, this was too important to me! Suddenly, I became a Dead-Head, mourning the loss of Jerry Garcia when I really shouldn’t have been surprised. I couldn’t figure out why people devoted their lives to that bearded freak and cried when he dropped dead from a combination of everything. Now it hit me!

ECW was my old sub shop.

They served me well, whenever I graced them with my patronage. I didn’t eat anywhere else, and, the rare times I would, I would sit there and lament the lack of flavor in their offering. It wasn’t ECW. It could NEVER be ECW.

So with the sub shop closed down, and WCW shutting theirs down as well, all I had was WWF.

Now, to be fair, WWF/E has provided me with more good than bad in the nine years since the real ECW kicked the bucket. Most fans won’t admit it, because their heart won’t let them, yet their gut will say otherwise, but WWE has not, by any means, completely sucked in this decade. It turns a profit, right? We all still keep up with it, right?

Yet, without ECW, out came the comparisons. WWE does a hardcore match. We say “where’s the fire?” and “that’s not enough blood”. A diva would wear something revealing, and we’d mock her for not skanking it up like Dawn Marie or Francine would in E-C-Dub. We’d even roll our eyes at the production value, actually espousing the benefit of running out of a homier bingo hall in South Philadelphia.

Fast forward to 2006, when Vince McMahon released his ECW off of the corporate assembly line. Oh, we hated it. Hated it because Big Show was involved. Hated it because Kevin Thorn and Mike Knox were involved. Hated it because Kelly Kelly was no Beulah. Hated it because Joey Styles didn’t sound like Joey Styles. Hated it because stars from the other two brands would show up.

This isn’t ECW!

You know something?

I’m glad it wasn’t.

See, I have my memories in the form of VHS tapes and DVDs. Lord knows I have plenty of ECW at my disposal. Here in the year 2010, if I pop in my worn out “summer of 1995″ tape just to see JT Smith fail in his dive attempt on Hack Myers, I’ll have the same cheap laugh I had when I was eleven.

I also have the startling reminder of just how primitive it was.

It took me a long time, but I realized just how much ECW represented a grunting Cro-Magnon man.

I’ve spent nearly nine years convincing myself that Vince McMahon’s product is nowhere near as good as one presented in front of 1200 fans at the ECW Arena, on a dirty, tape-covered canvas, with a crowd filled with mulleted, porn-stached drunks, between (mostly) out of shape misfits who could barely wrestle (excluding the ones who could), guys who could only get a reaction by swearing or bleeding.

It took Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels in 2008 to show me that you could have a great feud without so much as one curse word. It took Michaels and Undertaker at WWE WrestleMania 25 to show that you can enthrall a crowd without even a drop of blood. It takes Eve and Layla and Tiffany to prove that you can look hot without showing everything. It takes Matt Striker to demonstrate that to be a great commentator, you don’t have to slag other promotions or scream a catch phrase. It takes Vince McMahon to prove (though the idiots won’t agree) that marketing a product to kids and families will actually draw money, and is far smarter than getting antagonistic smarks and obnoxious drunks to try and buy the products being peddled.

I was a fool.

I write this now as a twenty six year old, working on a college degree and working forty hours a week. I’m no longer the energy drink-sucking seventeen year old who thinks the stunts on Jackass are the height of wit. I’m not a snob, but my tastes have matured from the time I was in high school, wondering how the Grammys could be so dense as to not give every award to Slipknot.

But yet, I wasn’t the only one clinging to ECW as if it were the edge of a cliff.

To this day, it upsets people that Paul Heyman was emasculated and fired from WWE. Nevermind that screwed his employees over royally. They want their mad genius back so that he can book the bloody smut show for them. These people would be happy to see Sheamus and Drew McIntyre go, just so WWE can bring back Sabu and Rob Van Dam to stumble through their awkward table-and-chair sideshows, so they can yell “FIVE STAR MATCH!” when Sabu breaks his jaw on the guardrail.

I can’t believe I ran with that line of thinking.

Let me rephrase that.

I can’t believe I ran with the line of thinking that criticized McMahon for banning piledrivers and insane dives, while praising anyone else for producing a ballsier product. I wanted to see the wrestlers “unprotected”. Let em land on their head! Let em take chair shots! Let em be real men!

Like Chris Benoit.

It’s this simple: if Vince McMahon can draw you in with storylines and characters that don’t need to swear (excessively), don’t need to blade, and don’t need to rely on cheap heat to hold your attention, then WWE deserves your respect.

Right now, we have CM Punk, The Miz, Chris Jericho, and Randy Orton, who all rule the school on the heel side of the coin. As faces, we have enough leftover love for Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, Edge, and Christian to let them sustain our interest. We have young characters like Legacy and MVP and Kofi Kingston and John Morrison who have what it takes to win our respect.

So let’s respect them.

And let’s not complain when WWE erases the ECW name in favor of the admittedly lame sounding ‘NXT’. ECW is dead. It really died in 2001, along with the concept of a low budget freakshow being considered “great”.

So to ECW, thank you influencing the business to take some risks, push the envelope, explore the realm of possibility, and for giving some real talents some needed exposure. Also, thank you for entertaining me from 1994 to 2001, and from then on in the form of memories.

But it’s over. You’re gone. Your relevance and influence are dead. I have my memories, and I’ll remember them with some fondness. But in terms of griping day after day about resurrecting the old feeling at the expense of the modern evolution, forget it. I’m done.

I’m not going to eat that sub anymore.

Which is fine. Because nobody makes that sub anymore, anyway.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Bloodsport : ECW’s Most Violent Matches.

Hardcore History: The Extremely Unauthorized Story of the ECW book.

Terry Funk: More Than Just Hardcore book.

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!



The Stamford Girl…A Pro Wrestling Love Affair

January 15, 2010 By: Justin Henry Category: WWE / Pro Wrestling

Vince McMahonDoc, you have to help me! I don’t know what to do! I need your help!

Start from the beginning? Well, alright. Lemme just get comfy on your couch here. Hmph, ahh, that feels better. Alright, to the beginning, here we go. Umm, let’s see here….

I guess it all started in the late eighties, over twenty years ago. I began to take an interest in women, since I was getting to that age, and I took to looking for a potential suitor, or in this case, “suitress”. Heh, I gotta be gender-specific here. Anywho, there were some interesting women I came across, two especially. One was from Atlanta, and was also well known in the Mid-Atlantic region for being precise and exciting. I mean, I guess she was alright, but she wasn’t exactly “aesthetically pleasing” to be honest. There was another from Minneapolis who, let’s be honest, partied like it was 1959. I mean, it was the eighties. Couldn’t she see that? So many women, so many “regional dialects” that were turnoffs to me. I’m from New Jersey, and I kind of look for someone with a big city, all-encompassing, worldly feel.

Sure enough, I found her.

She was from Stamford, Connecticut, and she identified with a New York state of mind. Some men scoffed at her, because they felt she was too over-the-top and glitzy, but that’s what I loved about her. She was reliable and dependable, in the sense that our dates always went on as scheduled. She had that professional sort of punctuality to her, which was a turn on. I could also bring her home to mom and dad, and they approved of her after a little ‘warming-up’ period. After all, they thought that she would be just like every other girl I had showed interest in, in that she would be dingy, crude, and “hickish”. She had this rather mainstream sort of glow to her, kind of like a walking pop culture icon, I suppose. I know, I’m rambling, because I mean…she was a wonderful girl.

“Was” is the operative word here, because for the first few years, it was absolute bliss. That was, until, about 1994 or so. She had been indicted on drug distribution charges, which caught me totally off guard at the time, but hindsight shows me that maybe I should have been a bit more aware of what was going on.

Through no small miracle, she was acquitted on all charges. OJ Simpson was acquitted of killing two people, but nobody in the world with any common sense would ever trust him again. That’s how I felt about the Stamford girl. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that I could trust her again, but it would have to be over time.

So we split up.

I moved on with my life, and the prospects seemed great. She, however, did everything she could to try and win me back. But I just needed some space. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see anyone at this point.

It all changed the following year, when I developed a relationship with this sleazy stripper, who we’ll call the Philadelphia girl. She may have been a bit unkempt, but she was straightforward and let me live out my carnal fantasies. The Stamford girl, as nice as she was, always had this “All-American girl” feel to her, and as nice as it was, it was also nice to feel a bit devilish at times, you know?

But then it gets even more complicated.

That fall, I found myself infatuated with somebody who reminded me of the Stamford girl, displaying many of her qualities, and she even felt fresh.

She was the Atlanta girl.

She just felt revolutionary in her own way, while retaining those familiar characteristics of the Stamford girl. Meanwhile, Stamford girl was having trouble with her finances and was looking like a pathetic shell more and more every day. I kinda missed her, but I didn’t, if that makes sense. Atlanta girl was, my god, she was amazing! Always a new wrinkle, always interesting. But the thing that bothered me was a lack of organization. We just did things on the fly, without any real planning or such. Worse, she would overload our relationship with novelty. Things that we could have staggered apart, like dinner dates, movie nights, the like, instead of balancing them to make them more appealing, she’d want to do them all consecutively. Like she was afraid I was going to lose interest in her, or something.

Turns out, she had a reason to be afraid.

She knew about the Stamford girl, and it turns out that she considered her an arch-nemesis. She was once a dingy, run-of-the-mill type of girl, but she soon reinvented herself as a Stamfordish doppelganger. With Stamford girl languishing, she had won my attention.

Around 1998, I began to notice Stamford girl again. But….I didn’t recognize her at first. She had taken some time and given herself a physical overhaul. She was now more wild, chaotic, and free-spirited, but with a sense of control also. Atlanta girl? It was becoming more of the same. We’d get intimate and just before we’d have a fun conclusion, she would scream “WE’RE OUT OF TIME!”. Stamford girl never did that. She paid off all of our romantic fun with a satisfying conclusion, each time. It was like Stamford girl had assumed the form of the stripper from Philly, albeit with a larger personal budget.

She wanted me back, and she got me too. Stamford girl and I reunited shortly thereafter.

Atlanta girl didn’t take this well, spiraling out of control. I think she may have been schizophrenic, because it seemed like somebody new was in charge of her brain each week. Philly girl had lost her appeal, because anything that she could do was being done better by Stamford girl. I mean, Philly girl was fun, but she never had any money for some weird reason. By 2001, Philly girl declared bankruptcy and Atlanta girl just disappeared without a trace. It seemed like I had made the right decision, going back with the reliable and charming Stamford girl, despite her issues.

I did make the right decision, right? Well….

It seems that after the Atlanta girl vanished, and Philly girl because hedonista-non-grata, that Stamford girl got a bit of an atittude. It was like she knew that I knew that she was the only game in town and figured that I wouldn’t be leaving her anytime soon. To be honest, I didn’t want to leave her again, either. We’d spent three or four years making amends and we experienced one of the greatest periods of harmony that two people can have together.

But in 2002, things….well, they got weird.

In May, she altered this tattoo that she had on her shoulder. For as long as I knew her, it was of the letter F. She said it stood for “FAITH” and I never thought much of it. I mean, it’s her body, right? But then, suddenly, she had some more ink done, reworking the tat so that it was the letter E, which she claimed meant “ENERGY”. I have no idea why, but this simple change from F to E led to a weird kind of discontent between us. I had to leave for a business trip a month later anyway, but it seemed like in between time, all we did was argue. I pointed out that she was too complacent and that things were stagnant, and she countered with this coarse arrogance, saying that I would come crawling back, just because I could never find better.

So away I went. My travels took me to Nashville, and things got even weirder. I know I shouldn’t have been flirting, but I came across this charming beauty who really seemed to want me. I couldn’t help but notice that she was a little clumsy and awkward, but she was also very earnest and driven. If anything, it was like I was in love with the fact that she was such a breath of fresh air from the Stamford girl, but could I really justify leaving her for this low-rent wannabe?

So I went back home at the end of my trip, and things weren’t any better. By year’s end, she had suggested many bizarre things to spice things up. She wanted to attend a gay wedding. She suggested that her friend marry an older man, who happened to be the father of a bitter rival. She even wanted to violate a corpse of a dead cheerleader, just for shock value! I love her, but it’s like she was doing ANYTHING to get my full attention! Meanwhile, I wondered if life with the Nashville girl was possibly better than this.

A couple of years later, I received a phone call out of the blue from this Nashville girl. She had relocated to Orlando, and was happy to say that she’d saved her money and was no longer a cheap, run-down lush. In fact, she wanted to see me again. But I was torn, even though things hadn’t improved with the Stamford girl by any means. I’d talk to Orlando girl here and there, but I couldn’t fathom leaving her. That talk about never finding anyone better rang loud, especially considering that Orlando girl just wasn’t in her class.

Periodically, I checked in with Orlando girl to see how she was doing, which worked well considering that Stamford girl either didn’t know about her, or pretended that she didn’t exist. In any case, I kept in touch with this outsider, who seemed to be making strides every day to win me over, but alas, I wasn’t ready to budge. I guess maybe I was just getting a bit complacent myself.

But then in June 2007, life as I knew it changed forever.

An associate of the Stamford girl was found dead, having murdered his family before ultimately offing himself. There was speculation that she, as his caretaker, ignored signs of manic episodes and depression. The feds even tried to accuse her of looking the other way when he got messed up on drugs, which was eerily similar to her trial thirteen years prior. After weirdly pretending that her associate never existed, refusing to even speak his name again, things eventually died down and she was never charged with a crime. But again, it felt weird to be with her, even though the positives outweighed the positives of all other women.

And here we are in 2010, where the most recent chapter has unfolded. It’s a chapter that has definitely been an awakening, that’s for sure.

Orlando girl has gotten aggressive. Stamford girl is aware of her now and doesn’t want me to spend even a second acknowledging her. Stamford girl even seems a bit fearful of this momentum that Orlando girl has amassed. I feel like I should sit back and see which of them wants me the most, proving their love with good intentions and excitement. But I just don’t know what to do when it comes time to making the all-important decision.

Maybe I should just go with both? Maybe if I can make one jealous of the other, the other will work to improve herself to compensate. After all, competition is certainly healthy. It’ll make both of them better women, right?

All I know is this: my libido is so strong right now. My excitement is maxing out. My interests are extremely piqued. It’s been a good eight or nine years since I’ve been this excited. I know that Stamford girl and Orlando girl are going to go all out to acquire my love, and they will stop at absolutely nothing until they have it, barring that they die trying.

I guess the part that I feel is the biggest shame is that I can’t go all polygamous and just take both.

Or can I?

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. He tweets at twitter.com/notoriousjrh and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.

Sex, Lies, and Headlocks: The Real Story of Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment by clicking here.

Order the WWE: History of the World Heavyweight Championship DVD set by clicking here

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