When you hear the name “WrestleMania” you think of the biggest event of the year for the WWE. A culmination of a year of well thought out feuds and rivalries and a card that will leave you awestruck when you watch it. Let me tell you, that is not the case with the WrestleMania events you are about to read about.

In the paragraph’s that follow you will be reading about some of the most mind numbing and boring WrestleMania events of all time. These WrestleMania shows were so bad for the most part that it made me want to watch Mae Young give birth to another hand to take my mind off of them. Now sit back, grab your Alka Seltzer and get ready to read about the top 10 Worst WrestleMania Events of all time.

#10.
WrestleMania 25
Reliant Stadium
Houston, TX

Talk about a match overshadowing your main event. The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels was an all time classic match between two of the best performers the WWE has ever seen. Too bad it went on before the main event of HHH vs. Randy Orton for the WWE title, which was very anti-climatic considering the months of build up the match had. I did enjoy the Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy Extreme Rules match, even though in the WWE nowadays nothing can be to extreme thanks to the god damn PG rating they have. The MITB match also entertained me a little and they did work it right having Punk win for the second time as it spearheaded his recent amazing heel turn. Some of you may be surprised at this, but just watch it again and then get back to me.

#9.
WrestleMania 24
Citrus Bowl
Orlando, FL

I loved the Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair match where if Flair lost he would have to retire. This matched saved the show from being almost unbearable to watch. The emotion in this match was like what the old WWF used to put on in the good ole days. When Shawn mouthed the words “I’m sorry, I love you” to Flair before super kicking him, it made me get goose bumps. Now the rest of the card was just not that good at all. I didn’t want to see Cena fight Orton and HHH for the millionth time, and having Undertaker wrestle for a World title at a WrestleMania is pointless because you know almost for sure that he was going to win. This took away from Edge’s moment of headlining his first WrestleMania. The WWE just does not get it these days and it’s sad.

#8.
WrestleMania 23
Ford Field
Detroit, MI

There seems to be a trend here doesn’t there? This is one of the more recent WrestleMania’s, and also one of the worst. This event had a very good opening match with Mr. Kennedy winning the Money in the Bank ladder match. This match had very good participants and is in my opinion the second best MITB match ever. Kennedy cut’s an amazing promo at the end which adds even more to the match. The fact that this match so good and the rest of the show was like watching early 1990’s WCW doesn’t sit well with me. The Undertaker vs. Batista in a match other than a Hell in a Cell does not appeal to me, and seeing John Cena defeat another better wrestler then him for the second straight year in Shawn Michaels, pissed me off royally. I know they were trying to shove Cena down our throats, but come on seriously, enough is enough.

#7.
WrestleMania 13
Rosemont Horizon
Chicago, IL

It saddens me to put this WrestleMania ranked so low because of the fact that it had arguably the greatest WrestleMania match of all time in Stone Cold vs. Bret Hart. If you have not seen this match go buy the DVD right now and look at how a feud is supposed to be. But then I look at the rest of the card again and realize that I would rather watch an episode of Sunday Night Heat then to have to go through the pain of watching it. The main event of Undertaker vs. Psycho Sid was horrendous, and HHH faced Goldust and Rocky Maivia faced The Sultan. Enough said.

#6.
WrestleMania
Madison Square Garden
New York, NY

Some of you are probably thinking I have lost my mind rating the first WrestleMania this low. The only reason this WrestleMania ranks this high is because of the fact that it was the very first WrestleMania ever. The historical significance of this event cannot be overlooked. If it were not for that it very well could have ranked as the worst WrestleMania of all time. There is no one match on the card that is very good or stands out at all for that matter. Seriously, name another match. The main event was entertaining because of the fact that Mr. T was in it, but it really should have been Hogan vs. Piper. This would have had the ultra baby face against the bastard heel with Piper trying to cheat his way the entire time to win and Hogan coming out on top in the end.

#5.
WrestleMania XV
First Union Center
Philadelphia, PA

This WrestleMania would also rank even lower if it were not for the Stone Cold vs. The Rock match for the WWF title. This was a WrestleMania where the WWF just tried to stack as many people onto the card as possible, and they came up really short. Shane McMahon vs. X-Pac was mildly entertaining, and Stone Cold vs. The Rock was very good, but other than that the rest of the card was bad. The Undertaker vs. Big Bossman Hell in a Cell match was the worst one of its kind I have ever seen. How you make a Hell in a Cell match with The Undertaker bad back then is beyond me. While I like the fact they pushed the envelope with hanging Bossman from the cage, it was actually quite idiotic in retrospect.

#4.
WrestleMania IV
Trump Plaza
Atlantic City, NJ

Kind of ironic that the fourth worst WrestleMania ever is actually WrestleMania IV isn’t it? Here is my problem with this WrestleMania. While I do personally love the idea of a tournament for the title, this show just did not work for me. Most of the matches were boring and ended rather stupidly. The Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts match should have had a winner and he should have faced Bam Bam Bigelow in the Quarterfinals instead of having the One Man Gang beat Bigelow and then Gang get a draw. Sounds like something WWE would book these days by having Santino beat Christian and then get a bye after Edge and Jericho go to a draw in the other match. I personally would have had Dibiase win the WWF Title instead of Macho Man, and have Hogan try to help Macho out so they could still form the Mega Powers afterwards. I would then have had Hulk Hogan beat Dibiase at WrestleMania V. It’s not like Macho’s title reign was that good after this anyway?

#3.
WrestleMania IX
Caesar’s Palace
Las Vegas, NV

From the bad choice of venue, to the announcers wearing togas, all the way to Hulk Hogan stealing the limelight once again, this WrestleMania ranks up there as one of the worst of all time. I will give this WrestleMania one good review about it, the opening match between Shawn Michaels and Tatanka. This was a very good match up until the ending that made me want to shut the television off. Have Michaels at least cheat to win, just don’t have it end in a disqualification. This WrestleMania also had one of the worst mania matches of all time in the Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzales. I wanted to poke my eye out with a rusty fork when I saw this match, that’s how bad it was. The Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect match had a lot of potential, but they botched that one up completely. While I do enjoy watching Hulk Hogan in a lot of the WrestleMania’s to follow, they just should not have taken away from Yokozuna winning the WWF title the way they did. No one wanted to see Hogan on top at that point.

#2.
WrestleMania XI
Hartford Civic Center
Hartford, CT

I really wanted to make this the worst WrestleMania of all time, I really did. The only thing keeping me from making this the worst WrestleMania of all time is the Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels match for the WWF title, other than that the entire card was unwatchable. You do not, I repeat, you do not put a retired NFL player and a washed up wrestler as the main event in the biggest event of the year for the company. You have Bret Hart regulated to having a mid-card match with a wrestler from the late 1970’s in Bob Backlund, and you have your opening match as Lex Luger & The British Bulldog against the Blu Brothers. They could of done so many things with this WrestleMania such as have a rematch of Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart, and that would have at least salvaged this god awful WrestleMania a little bit.

#1.
WrestleMania II
Nassau Coliseum
Long Island, NY

This has got to be the worst WrestleMania of all time. It saddens me to know that part of it took place in my own backyard in Long Island, N.Y. Whoever thought that the idea of having the matches take place from 3 different arenas was a good idea had to be clinically insane. The only watchable match on this card was the British Bulldogs vs. The Dream Team for the Tag Titles, and it was not even that good. The main event was Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy in a Steel Cage match. While on paper this might seem like a good idea, the match was atrocious and not done well at all. There is not one historic match at all on the card, or even a very good one for that matter. This mania even had Randy Savage put on a bad match, which is about as hard to do as the WWE putting on a good edition of RAW these days.

I welcome your questions, comments or suggestions for future articles. Contact me at richardciancioso@hotmail.com.

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology 1985-2005 DVD Set

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 1 – 1985-1989 (I-V)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 2 – 1990-1994 (WrestleMania VI-X)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 3 – 1995-1999 (WrestleMania XI-XV)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 4 – 2000-2004 (WrestleMania XVI-XX)

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I watched TNA Impact this past Thursday night to prepare myself for “The Still Real to us Show” as we will preview the Monday Night Wars II to kick start this Monday night. I could not believe how a promotion that is going to be toe-to-toe with the WWE had such a lackluster to show to close the books on Thursday nights and step into the Monday night squared circle. For their flagship show to be called “Impact” is a joke after what I saw this past Monday.

Everyone criticizes the WWE for how many promos they will do for a show but for crying out loud if you watched TNA this past Thursday you were begging for anything besides a promo. Hell I was happy to see vignettes with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. By the way if anyone told me I’d be writing those words five years ago, I would never believe them.

Sure we got the hype for this coming Monday’s show but its no where near the hype TNA gave their first Monday night outing.

They are building this coming Monday’s show around the return of Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair in the ring. As a wrestling fan I am sad to see how Ric Flair’s career has taken a turn for the worse the past two years and sad to see that Flair is yet again returning to the ring after the send off he received two years ago from the wrestling world. That being said I don’t really care to see either one of these guys wrestle this Monday.

The fact that TNA has built this true debut Monday Night wars show around Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair tells you the viewer something. It’s almost as if they should change the name to Monday Nitro and just have cruiserweights wrestle for most of the show then Hogan or Flair can tear the house down! It’s horrible to see what TNA has done after that huge 3-hour show in recent weeks.

To me I feel like TNA has actually lost steam. I believe the last eight weeks we have truly seen where this Hogan/Bischoff regime is going to take TNA. No where.

It’s more of an egotistical battle to try and take down Vince McMahon again. They most definitely don’t have the money backing this time around to go after the WWE. This time it’s going to actually take talent and not name value.

Obviously they don’t believe in that theory yet because Flair & Hogan are the big time stars they are pushing for this show. I get it because they are trying to grab the casual wrestling fan rather then the big-time wrestling fan. But for all of those that still follow it and watch it religiously they have got to feel disappointed.

Sure TNA is putting two of the original stars that they have built since they started in Nashville with AJ Styles & Abyss being the two team mates of the legends in this tag match. But it still does nothing for me.

As for surprises there are no rumored surprises for this show with the exception of Rob Van Dam signing with TNA. I guess we should assume some sort of Jeff Hardy appearance but really who else could they bring in to shock us? My best guess would be Tommy Dreamer who I don’t believe is done with his 90-day no compete or Paul Heyman. Those two would be decent surprises.

The only other surprises that would make me be shocked would be if The Ultimate Warrior or the “Macho Man” Randy Savage showed up. While it would be cool to see the two in the ring again it would only be worth an appearance rather than a full-time employment. These guys days as stars in the Wrestling business have since long past them and they are only worth the occasional appearance or Hall-of-Fame induction speech (I can’t believe I’m writing that in regards to The Ultimate Warrior).

I expected more out of TNA going into this past Thursday’s show. I get that many TNA faithful feel that I’m writing off TNA lately and may have been writing them off during the show but when you watch a company build itself around making new stars change their philosophy when Hogan & Bischoff came into the picture is just sad to see. This has literally become a sink or swim mentality for TNA right now.

This past Thursday’s show was certainty not an “impact” which isn’t the way you want to head into the Monday Night war. I expected more out of TNA and got way less then I thought I could. To see TNA become a playground for old-timers, legends and Hulk Hogan’s friends to receive a paycheck is just a sad sight to see as we head into the Monday Night Wars II.

If you have any questions or comments for Eric Gargiulo and I for this week’s “The Still Real to us Show” please e-mail us at thestillrealtousshow@gmail.com

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Jeff also co-hosts “The Still Real to us show” with Eric Gargiulo which can be available at www.wheelhouseradio.com and can be downloaded in the “Real Guy Radio” section of the site. There you can also download many different shows including “The Wheelhouse”, “24 on 24″ and “Lost: Smoke Monsters and You.”

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Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 1 – 1985-1989 (I-V)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 2 – 1990-1994 (WrestleMania VI-X)

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

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-You know the usual. Let’s go back to April 5, 1992 to the jam packed Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis. This was less than 24 hours after Indiana had been bounced out of the Men’s Final Four by Duke, proving that this isn’t the first time that the Hoosier State has been close to a title and fallen short. Except in 1992, there was no Peyton Manning to yell at his teammates to do exactly as he says, only to throw a lousy interception to a dude who shaves pictures into his hair. Peyton’s like a stuck up prep in some college comedy about slobs vs. snobs. If Super Bowl XLIV was just such a movie, then it would have ended with Peyton Manning getting crushed by a giant keg falling out of an airplane.

-This show is important as it was meant to be the last hurrah for Hulk Hogan, who was going to detoxify—er, retire after this show. As his going away gift, he gets to try and carry Sid Justice to a watchable match. Remind me to never leave WWE. Vince might give me a Corvette with no brakes.

-The show begins with a typical, raspy Vince dub job. Vince missed his calling as the emcee on The Price is Right. “GREG LARSEN, COME ON DDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWN-AHH”.

-Also of note, Ric Flair has promised to show some revealing photos of Miss Elizabeth, should he defeat Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan spends the entire welcoming segment searching for them as Gorilla Monsoon berates him. If you’re ever going to a singles bar, leave Monsoon behind. Sounds like the opposite of a wing man, whatever that may be (Broken-wing-man? Buzzkill? Social malaria?)

-Here to sing America the Beautiful, Reba McIntyre. It’s 1992, and she has some rather prominent mall hair going. By 1992, the northeast had moved away from mall hair and the women were more into straightening theirs (some experimented with the Sean Young/Jamie Lee Curtis short look) while men had moved into rocker mullets (like the Phillies) and mostly simpler styles. Point being: the South is always behind on the times. You saw how long it took em to integrate schools, right?

-To kick things off, El Matador (Tito Santana) and Shawn Michaels. Matador had his furry hat with him that he carried, but never wore. How bad must a hat be when its’s the ONE thing that Santana WON’T sell for? Besides, what was the POINT of this gimmick? I know he’d basically been plain-as-toast Tito Santana for a decade at this juncture, but did they expect the fans to rally behind a bullfighter? My guess is that with neon colors being all the rage, that it was merely an excuse to put a man in green pants and pink boots. It’s like a wrestling piece of produce with that color scheme. Triple H could dress as Gallagher and whack him with the sledge. I’d pay to see it….

-Michaels, however, was oozing stardom about three months into his heel turn. The crowd reaction is mixed, indicating either there was still some residual love for The Rockers, or that Shawn was just so interesting that they really couldn’t boo him. This is, by the way, Sherri’s third WrestleMania in a row that she’s with a different guy. She’d have a different man the following year, too. Was this a social commentary on disloyal women, or just a parody of Missy Hyatt?

-Monsoon says that Helen Keller does Sherri’s make-up. I thought Heenan was supposed to be the callous heel?

-As Matador and Michaels work the mat superbly, I notice that the set-up is kinda similar to WrestleMania III, except with a side aisle. The circumstances are even similar: Savage in a great title match, Hogan has a limited opponent, and nobody cares about Rick Martel’s match.

-Sweet Chin Music! Well, not quite. At this point in canon, it was merely a set up move. The BIG finish? A teardrop suplex. This explains Shawn’s beer gut, as he spent 2 years drinking himself into a stupor, saying “My move is a suplex where I cross my arms under the guys’ CROTCH. OH MY GOD”.

-Michaels manages to win it by reversing a slam into the ring. At this point, I was eight years old and a BIG fan of Shawn’s. When Bobby Heenan said “The star of the nineties, right there”, I nodded. My brother’s friend Dave watched it with us and said, and I’m serious, “I think it’ll be Stunning Steve Austin”. Dave’s also the same man who bought Richard Roundtree’s autograph off of E-Bay for $3.50, but he’s still one of the best friends I’ve ever had. So here’s a shout out for the man.

-To waste some time, the LOD come out for an interview, bringing their old manager Paul Ellering with them. Heenan is flabbergasted to see this somewhat dangerous mind, but Monsoon has no idea who he is. Had he added “I never watched those other crappy promotions!”, he would have been my savior with brownie points to spare. Ellering’s doomsday speech goes over the head of the marks, but sounds really wicked now, especially the line “From the rocking of the cradle to the rolling of the hearse”. Then he would bring in a dummy named Rocco and ruin the fun. Stupid kids entertainment.

-Next up, Jake Roberts will do battle with the Undertaker for the title of “Dennis Hopper’s Favorite Wrestler”. Roberts doesn’t have a snake with him, but does have his uber-eerie heel music. Try listening to it at 3 AM on low volume and see if you don’t feel a bit unnerved.

-A fan has a sign for Taker that reads “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, and I realize that later in the year, he was supposed to feud with Nailz in some “electric chair” matches. Reminds me of “Ride the Lightning”. Can I make wrestling jokes using Metallica’s entire Ride the Lightning album? Probably not, unless there’s a Japanese wrestler named Ktulu that’s flying under my radar.

-I immediately realize that this match was long before Undertaker was any fun. He was just a slow zombie character who didn’t have the submission based offense, nor the opponents to do his swank stand-up power brawls with. Especially not Jake, who’s phoning it in, and not even having the kindness to pay for overnight delivery. I think Jake wanted to be a booker after this show, and there was no spot for him, so he knew he was on his way out and was dogging it badly. Not good.

-Also not good: without Jesse Ventura, there are too many awkward pauses from Heenan, who tries to comprehend too much before speaking, or is at least trying too hard to make jokes. It just detracts from the whole.

-So Undertaker sits up from 2 DDT’s, which is unheard of (until the DDT became a transition move) and Jake goes for the urn from Paul Bearer, but Taker’s on the attack outside the ring. Taker then Tombstones Jake on the concrete. Well, actually, he tombstoned about 4 strands of Jake’s ratty hair, since that’s all that hit the concrete; his head was about nine inches short. It’s a rare time where WWE put the closest camera angle available onto a blown spot. Doesn’t happen often.

-Taker gets the pin on Jake, who passed out from the shame of blowing the finish. Or so I assume. Taker’s now 2-0, with no end in sight. Though next year’s match counted as a loss for anyone who watched it, but we’ll cross that bridge later.

-Backstage, Roddy Piper and Bret Hart do a dual promo before the IC Title match, in which Piper is nuts and Bret is bland. Good to see both stretch from their usual styles for this.

-As Bret Hart makes his entrance, you can hear the squealing of a cassette tape in the early portion of his theme song. Just one more reason that I’m glad we live in this digital age.

-Piper, meanwhile, is wearing a t-shirt promoting WWE’s UK Rampage tour. I thought it was the job of the midcarders to wear the event-specific shirts? You’ll find no better walking billboard in wrestling than Tommy Dreamer.

-While both men build their story with a mix of back-and-forth wrestling and frustrated tactics (spitting, etc), Heenan lets us know that if he was Bret Hart and trying to win, he’d have his agent buy it for him and, if that didn’t work, take Piper out back and waffle him with a tire iron. The Brain hath redeemed himself.

-It should be noted that Piper’s keeping up on the mat with Bret and is holding his own well. Here’s a message to Cena haters: it’s not that Cena CAN’T wrestle. It’s that main eventers in WWE work a “mainstream” style that’s much like a universal language. Cena speaks German, Hunter speaks French, Orton speaks Japanese, let’s say. Whatever English they have in common, they share with each other in communication. It just so happens that guys like Shawn and Jericho are tri-lingual and can communicate with a wider variety of performers. Think of it like that.

-Bret gets busted open off of a Piper left hook, which is actually where Bret blades, unbeknownst to Vince. Five years later, Bret lambasted WWE for becoming too sick, raunchy, and disturbing. Know what’s disturbing? Defying your boss’ anti-blade policy just to create sick drama for your match. Sounds like the Hitman is a hypocrite.

-Funny moment as Piper tumbles to the floor and falls against the rail, and the fan pushes it back into him. I miss the metal railings. So much personality.

-After the ref is bumped, Piper finds himself in a position to destroy Bret and retain his title, and does so by getting the bell. And we all know just how much the Hitman hates ring bells. Heenan exclaims “What the hell, use the bell!”. I think Vince came up with a more memorable slogan than that, actually.

-Piper has a change of heart and discards the bell. A struggle leads to Piper locking on a sleeper hold, and then Bret kicking off the turnbuckles into a complicated rolling pin to regain the gold. Crowd pops huge and Piper does the right thing, embracing Bret and putting the belt on him. Piper’s all, “sorry I was going to hit you with the bell” and Bret’s all “That’s ok, you’re going to be a joke in ten years from drug use” and Piper’s all “That’s ok, I’ll still be in better shape than most of your family” and then Bret said “Why, what have you heard?”

-Meanwhile, we go via satellite to Lex Luger’s house as he prepares to make his WBF debut, which never happened. Jeez, Lex can’t even win the big one in events OUTSIDE of wrestling either. Is it wrong that the entire time the video aired, I was thinking “I wonder if that’s the room Elizabeth died in?”

-Just to gnaw on my nerves, we have a filler eight man tag forthcoming with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Sgt Slaughter, Big Bossman, and Virgil (wearing a Vinnie del Negro/Rip Hamilton face shield) taking on The Mountie, the Nasty Boys, and Repo Man(!!). The worst part? Ray Combs doing bad, amateur night ring intros for the heels. I think Brian Gewirtz traveled back in time and wrote Combs’ copy, myself. I know I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but….wait, I always do it anyway. In that case, you suck Combs. There, I feel better.

-This show only has nine matches, and even then they’ve crammed eight men into one match that lasts six minutes. No time for a story here, and Duggan HAS stories to tell. “One time, Iron Sheik and I were on our way to Asbury Park….”

-Saving grace of the match is Big Bossman lifting his knee to prevent a Repo Man sit-down splash, and Repo taking it to the sack. Yep, saving grace, I’m going with that.

-Fortunately, it comes to an end when Brian Knobs gets nailed with the face shield and Virgil del Negro scores the pin. I’d say more, but would you particularly care?

-Meanwhile, Sean Mooney interviews Ric Flair and Mr. Perfect, who are armed with the incriminating photos of Elizabeth. Mean Gene is on post outside Randy Savage’s locker room, though he’s not granting interviews. I think their assignments were backward. I KNOW Mean Gene thinks that. “C’mon, Sean, can’t we switch? I can get the inside on those nudie pix…”

-As expected, Savage goes wild on Flair at the start of the match, fighting for the woman he loves. When Savage is livid (in character), he has no peer. The man can, in storyline, be angry at The Berzerker for stealing his can of Mr. Pibb, and Savage, in the match, can make you believe that the soda meant the world to him by ripping Berzerker piece by piece.

-Other than Savage’s early frenzied pace, it’s a pretty slow build for a match that’s supposed to be intense and full of mind games and wild anger. This is what annoys me about Flair, and Bret was right about it: he tries to dictate the pace himself and do things that make no sense on the fly. In Flair’s book, he criticized Savage for planning things out ahead of time, saying good workers don’t do that. Really? I thought the whole point was to put on a great show for millions of paying fans, not have a pissing contest over who has the better improvisational skills. Those “five star matches” that Flair seems to get accolades for need to be reviewed by people who aren’t leaving their knee prints in the mud.

-Flair blades, and makes it look incredibly obvious, off of a Savage ax handle on the flair. If Flair didn’t spend all of his money on loose women, maybe he could have bought a better blade. And a book on practicing timing.

-Savage drops the big elbow and gets only two, when Perfect pulls Savage to the floor. That’s because Perfect saw that the remaining four matches weren’t any good and wanted to stretch the card out even more. Wise move, Curt.

-After some heel hijinx, Perfect clips Savage’s knee with a chair. I guess you can sense what’s coming. Sidenote: Is Kurt Angle the only wrestler in WWE in the last decade who actively worked a body part to set up his finish? I miss that. You can have Punk work on softening the chin or temple up for the GTS. It’s those little subtleties that make a character work.

-As Savage is in peril, Miss Elizabeth makes her way through the curtain (having figured out the combination to the door Savage locked her behind) and the officials trying to restrain her include…Shane McMahon! I can’t see the scuff marks from where Bret roughed him up the night before for touching his wife. Hey, it’s in the Hitman’s book, read it!

-Figure Four! And the crowd is sensing that Savage is done for. Flair’s got it sunk in, and the chair did the damage. Liz provides the moral support, and the whole scene is crazy. Other than Flair’s match with Vader at Starrcade 1993, Ric’s never had a WCW match that was this emotionally exhausting. Except maybe when Sting beat him for the title. It’s a big reason why WWE has survived so long: they do drama right.

-Flair slaps Savage when he tries to sit up in the hold. Good stuff.

-After Hebner forces the break when Flair’s caught using Perfect for leverage, Ric lands some more knee weakeners, and then woos at Elizabeth, before getting a punch blocked. Savage rolls Flair up and pulls the tights to capture his second WWE Title and letting the Hoosier Dome come unglued. If Savage had done that to Christian Laettner and Grant Hill the night before, he could have been elected governor.

-Afterward, an irate Flair kisses Elizabeth and then gets MAULED by Savage. Hot angle to end the match, though the promised centerfold never comes to light. No wonder nobody ever gave this match the full five stars.

-Both men have words afterward. Flair’s are exceptional, as he remains calm, albeit bleeding, while Perfect and Heenan go nuts at his side. He promises revenge in an eerie and metered tone. Savage, meanwhile, is a limping wreck, as he hands Elizabeth his title and basically promises to kill Flair for kissing his wife. Randy’s eyes during the promo are a sight to behold. If I backed into his car and he made that face at me, I’m driving off, leaving-the-scene charges be damned.

-At this point, I am advised to inform you that any goodness from this show has passed. A couple of four star matches, a fine opener, and a memorable Taker/Roberts match have given way to a remainder that is lacking in both quality and fun. If you wish to turn away now, you may do so. If not, then brace yourself for a wave of sarcasm and mockery that’ll erode the shorelines of merriment.

-Up next, Tatanka and Rick Martel, who had outlived his usefulness a year earlier. He does work in a “reservations” joke to take us back to the 1960’s when the joke was considered edgy. For an encore, Martel ‘s going to the sock hop later to spike the punch bowl with a foreign tonic. Oh, that darn Martel!

-Before the match, members of the Lumbee Indian Tribe perform a ritual dance inside the ring. I’m actually thrilled to see WWE do something cultural for a change. Of course, two years later, IRS would destroy Tatanka’s sacred headdress, so I’ll take anything that I can get.

-Sadly, the match is rather vanilla, and it stood no chance of holding the crowd’s interest after the roller coaster of a match that Savage and Flair just had. Maybe they should have made this match no DQ. Wouldn’t it be fun to see Tatanka and Martel wailing away on each other with tomahawks and war drums? The tribesmen have them at ringside, so why not?

-Tatanka wins it with a cross body. If that move were any more vanilla, it would have been drafted #18 overall by the Utah Jazz. Or maybe the Pacers would have snatched it up to give Tyler Hansbrough somebody to watch Cake Boss with. Let’s just move on.

-Now for the final title match of the eve, as Money Inc defend the gold against the Natural Disasters. Here’s what I never understood: why would a millionaire who is greedy and obsessed with picking on the lower class, why would he associate with a zealous tax collector who makes everyone hand over their hard earned money? Did IRS cut Ted Dibiase a deal to not go after him? Did Dibiase just have so much wealth that he didn’t care how much went to IRS, because he’d always have plenty left? Did I overthink this idea way too much? The jury’s still out on the aforementioned.

-Wait I figured it out: it was just a ploy to give Dibiase a legit title for once. Works for me.

-Double noggin knocker by Typhoon on the champs. Notice how heels never do double noggin knockers? Must be a law.

-I have to admit, I laugh every time someone steps on IRS’ necktie, and Heenan cries “He’s stepping on his tongue!”. I have no idea why it’s so funny. Maybe it’s the absurdity of the line. This match is really dragging, because fat hosses can’t do peril spots against smaller workers. Who’s going to buy Earthquake or Typhoon struggling to overcome Money Inc?

-IRS eats the Typhoon splash, and the Earthquake is teased, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and the champs walk away for the count out loss while the Disasters stood there like idiots. Biggest show of the year, yessiree.

-Brutus Beefcake is sad to see Hogan go. Good luck finding someone else who needs a sycophant there, Bruti.

-Here’s the next match: Skinner spits tobacco chaw into Owen Hart’s eyes, Owen kicks out of the gator breaker, and skins the cat to pin Skinner with a cradle. There, saved you a full minute. That’s the third time in four years that match before the main event lasted less than two minutes. Lazy booking? Can’t be! On a fun note, Carlito proved that he basically stole his shtick from Skinner, although his is less gross.

-Sid Justice taunts Hulk Hogan backstage and calls Mean Gene a “bald headed oaf”. Hey, let’s give Sid some credit. He didn’t accidentally call HIMSELF a bald headed oaf, you know.

-So here we go, the original “last hurrah” for the Hulkster, as he beats up Sid before the bell and throws him to the floor while “Real American” is still playing. I’d hate to think that that’s where New Jack lifted the idea from, but it’s a funny concept.

-The match wasn’t going to be slow enough, so Hogan and Sid have a test of strength, and it goes just like the Hogan-Warrior version, except with less interest than a corrupt bank. Hogan had definitely peaked and was going downhill in a hurry.

-Sid hits Hogan with a doctor’s bag, which is something I don’t say every day. What was the point of Sid being managed by Harvey Whippleman? What was the point of WHIPPLEMAN? What is he doing anywhere near the main event of WrestleMania? I’m grasping at straws here.

-Sid takes time to talk to the camera during the main event of the biggest show of the year. Not an offhand comment, mind you, but a full Shakespearian monologue where he rattles off the foods he’s eaten in the last thirty days. It’s going to take something big to save things here, but you know….we just might get it….

-Sid applies a nerve pinch, and THAT should end it. Just once, the main event of WrestleMania should end with a nerve pinch, just to see how people react. Unless Daniel Bryan made HHH submit to one, then in which case it would be lauded as a “brilliant move”.

-Hogan inexplicably breaks free of the nerve hold, but soon after eats the power bomb. BUT HOGAN KICKS OUT! I have no idea WHY Hulk’s retiring. He can no sell deadly finishers as good in 1992 as he did in 1985, if not better! Must be an outside force driving him away.

-So Hogan gets the usual sequence followed by the Leg Drop, but Sid has to kick out because the interfering Papa Shango missed his cue. Hey, pimpin’ ain’t easy, and apparently pulling off a simple run-in isn’t either.

-So after Whippleman causes the DQ, Hogan gets double teamed by Hoss and Hosser, until Ultimate Warrior (gone for seven months at this point) makes a surprise return, hitting the ring and saving Hogan. The two men celebrate, and Hogan’s basically handed the torch to Warrior again. Will Jim Hellwig drop the burning ember yet again? What do you think? Man, if Warrior never runs in here, then it’s a sour ending. As it is, it’s just “merely bad”.

-CYNIC SAYS: Well then. Seems that Vince did a lousy job stacking this card, didn’t he? Through Savage-Flair, you were looking at the greatest WrestleMania ever up to that point. It was almost flawless? Then the second half sank like a bale of ICO-PRO being jettisoned off of a drug raft. If this was Hogan’s sendoff, then was this the best that they could do? It clearly wasn’t the end for Hulk, and he provided many more great memories in later years, but it just felt so flat here. At least let the man who made millions for you pin Sid clean, right?

It’s a thumbs up show on the merit of all that was good, because what was good was GREAT. It’s enough to make it worth a watch, but keep those expectations low when you reach the climax.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

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I’m writing this from my trusty couch, a mere twelve hours after the conclusion of Elimination Chamber 2010. Jericho-Edge? Cena-Batista? Shawn-Taker? I’m AOK with all of this.

-So it’s March 24, 1991, and we’re located in Los Angeles at the Sports Arena, just mere days after the Rodney King beating. Initially, the show was booked for the LA Coliseum, but poor ticket sales moved the show to a venue 1/5 of the size. WWE internally claimed that it was a “bomb threat” that moved the show indoors, supposedly directed toward Sgt. Slaughter and his anti-American gimmick. Because, you know, moving the show indoors removes the threat of an explosive. If by “bomb threat”, they meant that the show was going to bomb due to the tasteless storyline, then yeah, I understand.

-Vince is really feeling it during the intro video. Sounds like his colon is lined with blisters and he just drank a gallon of Swiss Miss.

-Howard Finkel (#7!) welcomes Willie Nelson, who sings America the Beautiful. I should note that Willie looks splendid in his foam WWF Title belt, Bret Hart sunglasses, and Hulk Hogan bandana. I wore the same outfit around the house when I was eight.

-Since Bobby Heenan has two matches that he has to manage, Gorilla Monsoon is joined on commentary for the opener by Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Call me crazy, but watch this match and I dare you to tell me that Duggan is not competent in the booth. He was clichéd at times, but he never sounded out of place, and kept making solid points. If he’s still in WWE’s employ, cut ties with Lawler, move Striker to Raw, and stick Duggan on Smackdown with Grisham. You can do worse.

-Anyway, the opener features The Rockers taking on Haku and Barbarian, who of course have Heenan in their corner. Lesson to modern tag teams (both of them): just watch the Rockers. They had a tremendous plus (flawless double team moves) and a tremendous negative (easily pummeled by larger foes). They exploited both qualities fully, and they were able to establish the story of their matches without having to detract from their in ring capabilities. Then again, this also explains why Shawn Michaels is as great as he is, singles or tag.

-Case in point: Barbarian turns both Rockers inside out with a double clothesline, and the crowd awwwed accordingly. Bravo.

-One of the best double team moves ever: Haku has Jannetty seated on his shoulders in a powerbomb lift, but Barbarian runs in, grabs Marty by the hair and DIVES over the top rope, throating Marty! LUCHA BARBARIAN! I think I may be a fan of his now, seriously.

-Rockers win it as Shawn lands the Ricky Steamboat Memorial “Cross Body FTW” on Haku. You could kind of sense in hindsight that they were getting ready to do more with Shawn. I don’t think anyone has a problem with this.

-Meanwhile, Mean Gene is with the celebrities: Regis Philbin (whom he calls “beautiful”), Marla Maples (whom he shamelessly flirts with), and Alex Trebek. Know what would be hilarious? Imagine those SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits, but with Hulk Hogan in place of Connery. “I’LL TAKE CATCH THE SEMEN FOR $400, BROTHER!”. Hulk can make anything funny.

-Now to the opposite of “funny”. Dino Bravo and Kerry Von Erich face off in a match of two men who would be dead within two years. Bravo looks like he’s aged about ten years in the previous 365 days here. This is just sad.

-The match sucks as well, as Von Erich wins with the Tornado Punch. I’m just going to move on now. Is that ok?

-Slick cuts a promo with the Warlord backstage, which lifts my spirits. Sadly, Warlord doesn’t have Jive Soul Bro as his theme. It’s like the WWF WANTS to hurt my feelings.

-Meanwhile, Davey Boy Smith gets advice from his bulldog, Winston. Winston just never seemed to have the subtle mannerisms of Matilda, and it stunted his growth as a performer. Where does Winston rank on the scale of wrestling pets? I think the hierarchy goes Damian, Matilda, Lucifer, the cobra that bit Randy Savage, Winston, Frankie, Poison the Tarantula, Pepper the Chihuahua, Ralph the Rabbit, and Brutus Beefcake.

-Warlord vs. Smith bats third in this line-up and, if you listen closely, you can almost hear the Federal Government taking notes during this match.

-Decent power match, as Bulldog was just in a unique place: strong enough to work with the hosses, agile enough to work with the real workers. There’s no telling how far he could have made it if he had a brain in that dreadlocked head of his.

-Heenan cracks a joke about the LAPD, just to provide a ‘sign of the times’ for this card. Shame Big Bossman wasn’t a heel at this point. He could have gotten the push of his career if he’d faced a serious of black jobbers and excessively beat them after the match. Then they could stick him with Virgil and have Virgil get revenge on corrupt law enforcement and win the feud. Hey, it’s not like Vince was above exploiting the news at this point.

-Davey Boy spends two minutes powering out of Warlord’s full nelson, and wins it with the Powerslam. Monsoon states that Bulldog has no quit in him. Unless his brother-in-law gets embarrassed in Montreal. Then, yeah, he’s a quitter. He’ll even pay a penalty fee just to quit. That’s EPIC quit.

-Hart Foundation and Nasty Boys up next in the first title match of the evening. KNOBS IS IN SHAPE! I feel bad for Bret, having to work with three confirmed whackos, but then he rattles off the line “We don’t think you’re nasty, we think you’re scum!”. Get that man a thesaurus!

-Has anyone ever thought to use the Nasty Boys theme for rap remixes?

-Hey, look, Macaulay Culkin is in the crowd! Monsoon says that he wouldn’t want to be “Home Alone with the Nasty Boys” and I get the funny visual of Knobs being hit in the face with a clothing iron.

-Heenan calls Neidhart “Captain Schizo”. That may explain the “Who?” gimmick.

-Who do I feel worse for: Jimmy Hart, who worked in this building at WrestleMania five years prior and still has to take harsh bumps on his frail body, or Jim Neidhart, whose days of leeching off of the Hitman are over when this match ends? It’s a toss-up.

-Sags waffles Neidhart with the motorcycle helmet to give the Nastys the belts. The real winner: Bret Hart, who just lost 280 lbs of increasingly useless fat. I’m sure his sister Ellie was thrilled.

–Next up, Jake Roberts and Rick Martel in a “blindfold” match. Story here is that Jake was blinded by Rick Martel’s atomizer months before, and we even get video of Jake in a treatment room. All of those gritty medical shows on Discovery Health should be giving Vince royalties. I’m not kidding.

-Jake lets us know that he “does it better in the dark”. Great, now I’m blind too.

-So each man is wearing a burlap hood to increase the difficulty of finding your opponent. Some call this a bad match, but it’s actually an exercise in crowd participation. Jake points with his finger and the crowd goes wild when he points directly at Martel. It gets the fans involved, how can it be bad?

-A lot of comedy involves Martel being way off the mark in his attempts to find Jake. For example, he performs an Irish whip, but Jake runs “out of the basepath” on the rebound, and Martel is left waiting like an idiot. Good stuff.

-I like Bobby Heenan, but here’s what annoys me: he tries too hard to pretend that the crowd is deafening. He repeats everything Monsoon says and then acts like he didn’t hear Gorilla say it the first time. It wears thin, and it makes me miss Jesse even more.

-After a lot of non-action, Jake hits the DDT and wins. It’s a better match to watch, than read. Actually, most matches are. I don’t even know why I said it.

-Marla Maples interviews the triumphant Nastys, and gets doused by champagne. Must have had a negative effect, because I believe she dissolved into obscurity after this.

-Next up, Jimmy Snuka wrestles in what really should have been a meaningless squash against….The Undertaker. Yes, this would be the debut of the “streak” that Undertaker would hang much of his resume upon. The crowd is awed as Taker walks out to the ring. Oddly enough, his girlfriend gets the same kind of wooshed ‘hush’ nearly twenty years later, but mostly it’s the sound of 12,000 fans turning on their Droids and Blackberries to see if anyone laughed at the dirty joke they forwarded (“So then Pinocchio says ‘Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”).

-You just know that if this match took place in the Attitude era, Undertaker and Paul Bearer would have taunted Snuka with a headstone with the name “Nancy Argentino” on it. Controversy equals ratings, you know.

-Crowd pops for all of Taker’s big moves, like the walking suplex and leaping clothesline. I have a theory that during this match, Vince was backstage writing down possible merchandise ideas to expand upon the money he planned to make off of this guy. Did they ever have Undertaker condoms? Imagine the commercial with Taker’s voice: “COVER YOUR STIFF AND BURY HIM DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP”. Admit it, you smiled.

-Tombstone and Taker wins it. Oddly enough, Monsoon doesn’t declare him “1-0″. What’s with him?

-Next up is one of my all time favorites, with Macho King Randy Savage and The Ultimate Warrior, where the loser has to lay low for a few months and detox himself before the government can subpoena—er, loser has to retire. Oddly enough, when they show the history package before the match, the last entry between them in terms of conflict was over two months prior at the Royal Rumble. Two months with no direct build? Yeah, like THAT would fly now.

-To sweeten the story, Miss Elizabeth is in the crowd, after having been split with Savage for two years. She can’t even get front row ringside. All the good scalpers must’ve finished early.

-If you’re one of the jobbers who has to carry the throne sedan that Savage sits on, do you just give up on your career now? I mean, CM Punk may have had the intestinal fortitude to go from being one of John Cena’s mafia henchmen at WrestleMania 22 to main event level performer, but not everyone does. Clearly not.

-For once, Ultimate Warrior walks to the ring instead of running like a maniac. Psychology? It’s there, believe it or not. I’m doubly sad that Savage’s crown was not at stake. If Warrior won, can you imagine him wearing it? I consoled myself with my old Hasbro figures by putting Savage’s crown on Warrior’s head. Sadly, he didn’t have a hole in his fist to slide the scepter into. Damn it all.

-As a nice change of pace, although both men are going back and forth, they’re doing so deliberately and with caution. It’s not the frenzied fight you’d expect, and certainly not your typical Warrior match. Let’s hear it for the amazing carrying abilities of Macho Man!

-Neat moment, as Warrior has a chance to gorilla press Savage, then simply sets him down just to slap him. That might be the only move of Warrior’s career that’s involved forethought, other than “hook the leg” and “don’t run to the ring like an idiot”.

-Sherri bends over at one point to attack Warrior, and Monsoon bellows “OOOH”. It’s not what you think. It’s not what I think. Is it what I think? Maybe. Speaking of Monsoon, he notes that the news is in: this is the largest PPV audience ever. See? WWF is cutting edge. They can figure out a buyrate DURING the show. Take THAT….uh….people who determine buyrates…..

-Hebner gets bumped and it all breaks down, including Sherri trying a top rope move while shoeless. THAT is one tough woman. But when Warrior’s incapacitated, Savage lands FIVE elbows onto him and Warrior….KICKS OUT! Huh, imagine that.

-Then Warrior gets HIS finishing sequence and SAVAGE kicks out. Crazy good stuff. Then Warrior begins to openly question the Gods in the Heavens above (“Pat Patterson says he CAN make the world work. He can’t be RIGHT, can he?!”) and Savage jumps the epiphanal moment. However, Savage crashes and burns on an ax handle attempt to the floor, and the tide has finally turned.

-Warrior brings Savage in and nails three shoulder blocks to an already dead Savage to end his career. But the aftermath is greater: with Liz distraught in the crowd (having still loved him), she watches as a stunned Sherri berates, and then assaults, the injured Savage. Liz can take no more and finally interjects herself, running in and throwing Sherri to the floor. She tries to help Savage up, and he pushes her away before realizing just who it is. Hebner dragged a screaming Sherri away, and Savage finally pieces it together, realizing that the now-crying Elizabeth was there for him and didn’t want to see him lose his career, let alone be humiliated afterward. The crowd implores Savage to take her back, and, after much deliberation, they embrace in the middle of the ring to an ungodly ovation. I admit, given Savage’s loyalty to her during their marriage, I get a tad bit misty eyed at this part. A number of fans are shown crying their eyes out, proving that this moment definitely struck a chord. Then, to top off the greatness, Savage waves Liz off when she holds the ropes open for him, and then, ironically enough, holds the ropes open for her in a nice touch. This stands alone as the most touchingly beautiful moment in wrestling history, and I pretty much refuse to change my mind.

-Here to kill the mood of the previous moment, Vince McMahon to have a pointless debate about instant replay with George Steinbrenner and Paul McGuire. The only notable occurrence here is Vince being appalled over George’s notion that you just simply fire people. Callously firing others? What LANGUAGE are you speaking, George?

-Bobby Heenan on Savage and Liz’s reunion: “I’d rather have money than a skirt”. No doubt Heenan was an influence on John Mayer, who gets both with little effort.

-To fully let the crowd settle in from the Randy-Liz saga, we go to backstage segments where Undertaker measures Regis for his burial suit (which Taker should do as a backstage prank on wrestlers that are leading the dead pool), and Jake Roberts torments Trebek with Damian (“CAN’T HANDLE A SNAKE, CAN YA TREBEK?! HAW HAW HAW!”). The best part is Jake letting slip that he and Damian play the home version of Jeopardy. Wouldn’t that be great? Drunk Jeopardy? You record everyone’s answers, and then you go on Wikipedia and make the answers fit. That’s just good fun.

-Filler time! Due to WWF’s ties with Genichiro Tenryu’s budding SWS promotion, we have Tenryu and sumo star Koji Kitao facing Demolition. If Demolition were Three’s Company, Ax is Suzanne Somers and Crush is Priscilla Barnes. “COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR, AND WE’LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN!”. Kitao’s famous for backing down from Earthquake after trying to start a shoot with him one week later in Japan. Kitao openly declared wrestling to be fake and was then dismissed from SWS. What’s real, however, is the fact that Kitao has a losing record in MMA. Take that, Sensei No Fun.

-This tag team match is so important that Donald Trump and his cronies have vacated their front row seats. No doubt Tenryu was displeased. You see why Trump never acquired Mitsubishi.

-Other than Heenan making dated stereotype jokes, it’s a nothing match until Tenryu drops Smash with a powerbomb to end it. Monsoon used the word “methodical” twice during the match, which is Gorilla Speak for “slow and sucky”.

-Next, we have the IC Title encounter between Big Bossman and Mr. Perfect. Bossman dedicates the fight to his mother. They missed out by not making Bossman the Norman Bates of pro wrestling. He could have stabbed wrestlers in the shower while dressed in drag. Meanwhile, Perfect and Heenan make Rodney King jokes. I think the footage of the King beating inspired ECW fancam. Note to self: ask Gargiulo to ask Feinstein or Sapolsky if that was the inspiration or not.

-Alfred Hayes joins Monsoon on commentary, and a kid in the front row is wearing a Dick Tracy shirt. Excuse me while I take a moment and try and remember how long my childhood ponytail was as these events took place.

-Know what’s great? Bossman wipes his rump with Perfect’s towel and throws it in his face. Then Bossman proceeds to beat the ever loving crap out of him, with Perfect doing about 25 sells where he spins 360 degrees. I’m enjoying myself too much. I’m almost ashamed.

-Bossman takes his belt off. I’ve made enough Pat Patterson jokes for these reviews, so you can make your own here. Hell, e-mail it to me and I’ll put it in a future rant! I see Trump returned for this match. Way to show your racist tendencies there, Donnie. Should we just ethnically cleanse the crowd while you’re at it?

-Alfred Hayes has no chemistry at all with Monsoon, or anyone for that matter. He keeps making these points, but it just sounds like he was dubbed in over somebody else. Couldn’t we just bring Duggan back out here?

-Andre lumbers down to the ring to counter Heenan’s interference, and gets a sizeable pop doing it. Know what’s sad? Both wrestlers, both commentators, the referee (Joey Marella), and the man running interference are all dead. All that remains is Bobby Heenan, and he’s nearing death with these multiple surgeries. I’m depressed.

-Haku and Barbarian run in to cause the DQ, letting Perfect live to fight another day. Backstage, Bret watched the match while Neidhart openly stated “I think we’re a great team Bret, and we shouldn’t split up! I love you man!”.

-Okerlund interviews some celebrities to kill time: Trump first, and Okerlund asks if we’ll see another Atlantic City WrestleMania (DEAR GOD NO). Then he interviews these three men: Chuck Norris, Henry Winkler, and Lou Ferrigno. Wow. Chuck, The Fonz, and The Hulk. Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris would have not only no-sold Undertaker’s faulty pyro from Elimination Chamber, but would have still been engulfed in flames when he showed up to Raw the next night to beat up Ty Murray for being such a sissy cowboy. It’s true.

-Earthquake and Greg Valentine make their entrances during the celeb lovefest, and a generic four minute match ensues. Earthquake ends it with the sitdown splash. I’m still having daydreams of Norris catching the Earthquake splash, standing up, and powerbombing Quake. I need to stop it with the man-crushes.

-LOD vs. Power and Glory follows, and Sean Mooney is scared of Hawk. Seriously, look at his eyes. He looks like he’s just been dared to pick pocket New Jack while he sleeps.

-It’s over in a minute and Paul Roma gets pinned! Best show ever! Find this match and tell me you don’t laugh when Hercules basically refuses to save Roma from the pin. Even his kayfabe allies hated Paul Roma.

-Now for a match with a story: Ted Dibiase vs. the emancipated Virgil. We get the video of Virgil cleaning Dibiase’s toes (directed by Mel Phillips), as well as obscure jobber Kevin Greeno beating Dibiase by countout. Clearly, this show has everything. I always loved in the freeze-frame promo pictures where it shows the participants in each match, how Dibiase is always laughing loudly with his mouth open. He looks like something out of the final scene of each episode of CHiPs.

-Virgil is over like a mamma jamma, and I wonder why he didn’t add a last name? I mean, just a simple first name sounds like he’s still a faceless lackey. Would “Virgil Harris” be too much to ask?

-Basic heel-face dynamic and the crowd is into it, especially when Dibiase shoves down an injured Roddy Piper (Virgil’s mentor). This gives Heenan a chance to work in “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”. Way to time stamp the show, Brain.

-Dibiase gets counted out as he tussles with Piper, and then the Million Dollar Man goes nuts on both men, with the help of Sensational Sherri (keeping herself employed). After they ravage Piper and leave, Roddy goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, Piper launches his crutch right in the nuts of Danny Davis. See what happens when you screw over the British Bulldogs? Doctor Virgil Harris, MD, orders Piper to his feet. Who are we to question a career jobber that hasn’t had hair since 1990?

-Meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan get interviewed. While Adnan rants incoherently, Slaughter bugs his eyes, presumably to hold in his laughter. When Slaughter bugs his eyes out and screams, he’s two blue eyes away from resembling a Garbage Pail Kid. I recommend for a name Mili-TERRY, alias Mess Hall PAUL.

-Got a minute? Good. The Mountie just beat Tito Santana with use of his cattle prod. They didn’t even use the cartoony sound effect for the electrocution! Way to step it up for the biggest show of the year, guys!

-Main event time. Hulk Hogan says he has “new technology” that will enable him to lie without any dignity on Arsenio Hall in a few months.

-Serious question: what’s the criterion for choosing timekeepers for WrestleMania main events? Is it a three question test? “Can you ring a bell? Can you work a stopwatch? Are you reasonably hot?”. Then again, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was a timekeeper once, but there’s a chance that WWE just thought he was Valerie Bertinelli.

-While I’m being sardonic, I love how Slaughter’s theme is just a drum beat. Did they do the drumroll for three minutes, or did they record seven seconds and just loop it? It’s a reasonable question.

-Match is fairly generic in the early going, but then Slaughter tries to stomp the hand and misses completely. It’s a metaphor for WWF in general: they had a simple idea (booking Hogan/Warrior for WM7) and failed completely, and thus looked bad.

-Regis joins the commentary team and says “I think the Brain is for Slaughter!”. Somebody clue him in on the intricate subtleties of face/heel bias?

-Hogan goes for a middle rope move, Adnan grabs his leg, and then lets go when Hogan stares him down. Then Hogan tries a top rope move, Adnan grabs the leg, and they incorporate it into the match. This is what happens when you rely on a make-believe Indian wrestler from the 1970’s to get spots right in a WrestleMania main event. There’s a reason Adnan was gone by the end of the year.

-Hey look, Hulk blades on camera! Or the pain from the chair shot was so bad that he chose to gouge at his own forehead in agony.

-Slaughter tries to pin Hogan with the Iraqi flag draped overtop, but then Hulk kicks out and destroys the flag. I guess Hogan was against liberating the country in 2003? Hogan finishes with the usual for his third World Title, and then uses an American flag given to him by a fan to wipe the blood off. Does Hogan hate America too? Is he a sovereign county with his own laws? Probably.

-CYNIC SAYS: A damn fine show, actually. Two great tag team matches, two good singles title matches (Yes, Hogan/Slaughter was “good”), and Warrior/Savage was a memorable half hour. With a minimum of fodder, WrestleMania VII is extremely watchable, once you get past the tasteless Iraq storyline.

Next time, Justin lives out his dream of reviewing a Skinner match, and Ric Flair does a crappy bladejob. It’s WrestleMania VIII!

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

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-Couch, Olevia, iced tea, copy of show. Anything missing? Oh, right, throw pillow. Back’s a little sore from carrying the burdens of WrestleMania IV. I was about five minutes away from calling Dr. Phil Astin and asking for something to help me bounce back.

-So It’s April 2, 1989, and we’ve returned to the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, NJ. Did Vince develop some kind of gambling addiction from IV? The celebrities at this show should have been Pete Rose, Art Schichter, and Rick Tocchet.

-Monsoon and Ventura welcome us to the show, albeit informally, as we rush into America the Beautiful, as sung by at-the-time Women’s Champion Rockin’ Robin. Let’s just say that there’s a reason that she was never asked to do it again. There hasn’t been a single good rendition done by a white person thus far through five WrestleManias. On an unrelated note, did you know that Robin’s brother is Jake Roberts? That explains a couple of things.

-Also of note, apparently a young Lance Storm was in the crowd. I’ll do my best to look for him, since it’s the most airtime he’d ever see at WrestleMania.

-#5 for Finkel. Moving on.

-Up first , Hercules takes on King Haku. Haku is brought to the ring on a portable throne (not like a port-o-potty), carried by some barely pubescent ring boys, and led by road agent Terry Garvin. If you’ve never read “Sex, Lies, and Headlocks”, then you’ll never know why this situation is hilarious to me.

-The loose storyline here is that Bobby Heenan had once sold Hercules’ contract to Ted DiBiase, who proceeded to make Herc into a “slave”. So instead of facing DiBiase, Herc faces Haku, who is managed by Heenan. There’s no word on how Herc got himself “emancipated”. Maybe Jack Tunney freed him. Then that would mean that somebody would have to assassinate Tunney at the theater where “No Holds Barred” played, so….oh, forget it.

-Just a typical “power brawler” match, but Haku hits the greatest back breaker EVER at one point. Then he follows with one that may be one of the worst ever. See, Haku’s so awesome that he can hit both ends of any spectrum.

-I think we’re about due for another barefoot wrestler, now that I think of it. This needs to cross over into other sports. What could be more intimidating than an NFL lineman with no cleats? Nothing.

-Hercules scores the pin with a back suplex hold, and Haku becomes the first man in history to not raise the shoulder and get the pin himself. See? Haku’s a worker in flux. He does things you’d never expect, and he can also kill you with one hand. Sort of like an artistic illusionist from Hell.

-Jesse notes that it’s a “big win for the slave”. This is narrowly edged in insensitivity by the time that Roddy Piper and Bob Orton whipped Mr. T with a belt, and Ventura said that it was like “watching Roots 2″. Did any of his campaign contributions come from Robert Byrd?

-The Rockers get some interview time before their match with the Twin Towers, and Shawn’s sounding a little raspy there. The Atlantic City nightlife will do that to ya. By the way, as non-religious as I am, I would love to be present for when Shawn meets Saint Peter and Peter says “Yeah, you get into Heaven, but first we’re going to watch the tape of your life once God gets over here”. At the very least, I sense Shawn’s going to be twitching a lot.

-I’ll say it every time that I hear it: Jive Soul Bro makes me happy.

-So it’s the Rockers vs. the Towers in your classic underdog/big bully contest. Big Bossman is way overweight here, but not compared to Akeem, the former One Man Gang, whose gimmick is that he converted to being “black”. If Shawn and Vince die on the same day, Saint Peter can sit both of them down and have a double feature! Some parts will even intersect, and they can save time! But still, what are the odds, right?

-Shawn is just carrying the pace of this match, working quickly despite being hungover. I guess that was the big knock on Marty Jannetty. He could only work “decently” when he was hammered. Would you have ever guessed that ten years later, Bossman and Shawn would be allies in Vince McMahon’s corporation?

-Great moment alert: Slick, at ringside, gets annoyed with referee Joey Marella and yells “What we need is a black referee!” and causes Ventura to emit a stifled laugh under his breath. Wrestling was better when it wasn’t over scripted.

-Another great moment alert: The Rockers are double teaming Akeem and Ventura complains that the referee is doing nothing about it. Monsoon, always one to defend babyfaces no matter what, counters that perhaps Marella is checking to see where the Bossman was, when in fact Marella is standing there, watching the Rockers theoretically cheat. At least when Monsoon made an asinine statement, there was some modicum of comedic value. When Michael Cole does it, he’s just a colossal tool.

-After Akeem murders Shawn with a clothesline, we go into the finishing sequence that sees Shawn pinned with the 747 splash. Undertaker has a streak of wins, but Shawn has a streak of slugs that he’s made look good at WrestleMania. Next year: watch as Akio Sato doesn’t look out of place, thanks to the impeccable timing and ring generalship of the Heartbreak Kid!

-Poor Ted DiBiase. From the World Title finals to facing Brutus Beefcake in meaningless filler. I know wrestlers less interesting and less engaging who are given many bigger roles than this. Some of them are Ted’s own relatives.

-So DiBiase and Beefcake are stringing together a good exhibition of face and heel moves, but what’s the point? There’s zero storyline, and the crowd’s made up of suit wearing morons who are just there to be seen. Maybe Lance Storm can carry the crowd to a ***1/2 cheering performance.

-You know what would save this match? A double count out? I was just kidding, but the booking wasn’t. So we have no winner, and Beefcake goes after both men with his giant hedge clippers. Monsoon sees nothing wrong with this, calling it “extra curricular activities”. Monsoon also thinks that getting busted with cocaine at a Boston subway station is a “welcome diversion”.

-Earlier today, the Bushwhackers are interviewed during brunch with a sizable crowd gathered to watch them make pigs of themselves. Bad as that sounds, it’s sad that that’s more fans than AWA could draw at the end.

-Man, the Bushwhackers had the best fans: they would dress in their most slovenly attire and do the “arm bounce” dance while licking each other. Luke and Butch missed their calling as cult leaders.

-How bad is the match between the Bushwhackers and Fabulous Rougeau Brothers? Monsoon and Ventura actually have a debate about immigration. Talk about cutting edge! I hope Linda McMahon’s cribbing notes from this telecast. Benoit’s not on the show, so I’m sure the tape won’t be hard to find in Vince’s library. I just hope it’s not stuck against the inexplicably-sticky WBF tapes. Wait….ewww….

-While I appreciate Jacques and Raymond’s dorky heel mannerisms, it’s not enough to save things as the Whackers win in an awkward finish. Speaking of awkward, the winners lick Sean Mooney afterward, which I’m sure goes a long way in explaining why jumping to a Queens, NY news station a few years later wasn’t that hard of a decision for Mooney.

-”Mr. Perfect looks perfect!” exclaims Monsoon. Then Perfect stumbles during his entrance. Priceless.

-Mr. Perfect vs. the Slammy Award Winning Blue Blazer, aka Owen Hart. Creepy, isn’t it? Owen’s dead, having died in basically the same costume ten years later. Perfect’s dead, dying in 2003 of an overdose. And referee Tim White committed suicide at Armaged—wait, that was a storyline?

-In few words, best match of the night so far. Perfect gives Blazer plenty of offense, and Owen works in some nifty suplexes and pinning attempts. Perfect, however, was just on top of his game, knowing when to let the babyface dominate, and then knowing when to regain control himself, and look like an athletic God in doing so. If Jack Swagger didn’t come off as such an inbred yokel, he could do this gimmick just as well and ride it to the top.

-You know you’re a worthwhile wrestler when you’re working as a babyface and Jesse Ventura can’t even slag you. He hasn’t said one bad word about Owen during the entire bout. Come to think of it, he seemed to love the Hart Foundation, even as faces. Geez, Jesse, how bad DID Stu stretch you out?

-Perfect ends it with the Perfect-Plex. Stellar match, if short. Miss both men immensely. Sigh.

-Speaking of Ventura, here he is to wake the crowd up by posing. Posing….to AWAKEN the fans. Chris Masters, you’re doing it wrong.

-Earlier in the day, Mr. Fuji competed in WWF’s 5K run on the AC boardwalk. Can you imagine them trying this now? Who would compete in it? Not to slag WWE’s fanbase, but can the majority of them run up the street, let alone 5K? I’d give it a shot, provided that I get to wear Fuji’s Oddjob attire.

-More non-wrestling, except it’s Run DMC performing the “WrestleMania Rap”. I look forward twenty years from now to Kid Rock performing the “WrestleMania Crap”.

-So the WWF World Tag Team Titles are on the line in a 3 on 2 handicap match, as Demolition defend against the Powers of Pain and Mr Fuji. Fuji turned on the Demos, because um….he wanted to? Look, the man starred in Fuji Bandito! HE HAS IMMUNITY FROM EXPLAINING HIS NONSENSICAL ACTIONS! YOU HEAR ME? IMMUNITY!

-Speaking of immune, the Demos seem to be immune from getting this crowd to care. Maybe the 5K run sapped the fans’ energy. I mean watching it, not participating in it. It’s New Jersey, afterall.

-The heat segment, hypothetically, is supposed to be some unfair triple teams on Ax, but, given that the fans are as clueless as Jeremy Piven, the work is met with total silence. Let’s fast forward to the finish!

-Brrrrzzzzzttttbrzflfubflubflubflub DECAPITATION AND THE DEMOS OVERCOME THE ODDS! That was fun.

-Backstage, Macho Man Randy Savage screams at no one in particular and yells at an invisible Hogan. Then he asked the production crew if they were ready for him to “get into character”. Okay, I made the last part up, but you know that it’s within the realm of possibility.

-How far are Dino Bravo and Ronnie Garvin down on the WWF food chain? Jimmy Snuka made his return after a four year absence while both men stood in the ring, waiting to begin their match. It got a lukewarm reaction as well. In related news, it’s been 20 years since a WWFE PPV has been held in New Jersey, save for the Meadowlands. Thanks a lot, you silent heathens.

-Bravo wins in about 3 minutes with the side suplex. I didn’t leave out any major details, trust me. Oh, except for the crowd chanting “USA!” to show solidarity against Bravo. I’m sure Montreal native Ronnie Garvin was energized by the support of the fans.

-Why did Vince even sign the Brain Busters, Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard? You know, other than to screw with NWA? Actually, never mind. They’re facing Strike Force, who need a boost of momentum after losing the tag belts one year earlier, Martel getting hurt, a lack of crowd reaction, the fact that they still have the cheesy Kenny Loggins-style music….actually, they need a lot right about now.

-At least this should be spirited. All four men are fine wrestlers, and, go figure, the wrestling is supreme. The only times Arn Anderson has had a bad match, the words “Renegade” and “Roma” would complete the sentence.

-Martel with a nice counter of Arn’s body scissors into the Boston Crab. Too bad that every time I see Martel in this era, I get the theme to Charles in Charge in my head. Force manages a pair of Figure Fours on the Busters and the crowd seems to be in awe. Wrest-ling?

-And now the story, as Santana overshoots a flying forearm and knocks Martel to the floor. This leads to Martel turning on Santana, kicking off a moderate heel run. Easiest way to get Rick to turn on you is say “My name is Tom Zenk and I won’t re-sign my deal for just any amount of money.”

-So Martel walks off and Santana eats the Spike-Driver to give the Busters the win. Well, it woke me up.

-Ooops, it’s nap time again, as it’s the dreaded “Piper’s Pit” segment with a returning Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brother Love, and 1980’s TV host Morton Downey Jr, who is a cross between Glenn Beck and Jerry Springer. It runs 20 minutes and it ends with Downey taking a fire extinguisher to the face. This is one of those segments that makes you envy the truly vegetative. It was such a boring and heat less segment, that you just know that it had a profound effect on Lance Storm’s life.

-I believe that this was the beginning of the end of Piper’s “cool factor”, as he had degenerated into a disturbed self-parody from here, save for a few shining moments here and there. Piper went away for 2 years and came back a far different man. Ever see the movie The Astronaut’s Wife, where Johnny Depp is in space and loses contact with mission control for a couple minutes and then, after they recontact him, he seems a little bit off? Yeah, I never saw it either.

-Mega Powers video package, to remind you why you ordered the show in the first place.

-Now for a Hogan promo, where he claims Savage tried to put Elizabeth between them. Well, that certainly lends credence to Monsoon’s “What a threesome!” comment.

-Back to actual wrestling, also in the loosest sense of the word, as we have Jake Roberts taking on Andre the Giant, with Big John Studd as the guest referee. You know you’re in New Jersey when there’s a woman with mall hair dancing in the crowd to Studd’s music with an inebriated grin. I wonder where she dances at these days?

-Andre attacks early, ramming Roberts into a turnbuckle with no padding, leading Ventura and Monsoon to demand to know where the pad went. My guess: Pete Rose stole it, got Hogan and Savage to autograph it, and sold it to some mark out front just so he can build his credit line. Gambling is such a disease.

-Andre’s slothish offense is actually bringing the crowd to life. Then he gets his arms tied in the ropes. That’s the first time that’s ever happened to Andre, I’m certain.

-Studd gives Andre the business for not letting Jake back inside the ring, leading to the two men getting into it, while Ted DiBiase steals the bag with Damian, and Jake Roberts gives chase. Finally, Roberts chases Andre off with the snake (after regaining it) and gets the DQ win, after Andre attacked Studd. If this paragraph confuses you, then imagine being Monsoon and Ventura, who can’t figure out the actual reason Andre was DQed (the fact that he attacked the referee). It’s like a convoluted plot for the OC, except Andre can not only hold his liquor better than Mischa Barton, but he probably smells better too.

Fan interviewed by Mooney: “JAKE’S THE BEST, JAKE’S THE BEST, JAKE’S THE BEST!”. He’s pretty enthusiastic for being Jake’s hook-up.

-Sherri cuts a quick promo, where she rips Rockin’ Robin’s singing. Sherri would go on to sing Shawn Michaels’ theme music 3 years later. Yep.

-The Hart Foundation vs. Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine looks to be a saving grace. It’s funny that in Bret’s book, he criticizes Honky’s abilities, saying his strikes “couldn’t break an egg”. Nowadays, Bret swings at Vince McMahon with no percision or coordination. So in other words, Honky Tonk Man wrestles like a stroke victim. Certainly adds new perspective.

-As Honky and the Hammer work over Bret, Ventura and Monsoon discuss Honky’s IC Title reign, where Gorilla mentions that he had the gold longer than Pat Patterson, and Jesse adds “No kidding, what a relic he was”. Easy there, Jesse, or Pat won’t let you share his haberdasher anymore.

-For those that say that Neidhart was just a slug who was carried by Bret, watch him lay down some dropkicks and then make your claim again. Plus, he had wide hips, and that bade well for his daughter. Wide hips on a girl? Gooooooooood.

-A megaphone shot ends it, as Bret whacks Honky across the….arm? That’s a pretty lethal swing. Maybe Congress should step in and investigate bicep concussions in wrestling.

-Finally, a notable match, as The Ultimate Warrior defends the IC title against Ravishing Rick Rude. The whole deal started when Rude jumped Warrior as the two men were having a posedown at the 1989 Royal Rumble. That’s what we need more of on PPV, pose downs. There’s your replacement for Survivor Series: Super-Flex! A night of posedowns! Think of the celebrities you could have on hand: Mark McGwire, Floyd Landis, Roger Clemens, that uhh….chick from East Germany who became a dude….

-Of note: As Rude comes out, a semi-hot babe in the crowd with the GREATEST mall hair ever. Mall hair can’t be taught. Either you have it, or you don’t. I hope the cameras find Lance Storm. Can you imagine a mall perm with a widow’s peak and a rat tail in back? Lance wouldn’t have even needed to cut promos with that hair; he could have gotten over on his appearance alone. Like an out of touch Goldberg.

-Funny bit to open the match, as Rude tries to jump Warrior beforehand with a kneelift and ends up smashing his knee into the IC Title around his waist. As tough as Rude was, he still had no problem playing a fool in the ring. Just don’t confuse character Rude with out-of-character Rude. PN News did and he still can’t see straight.

-When does Rick Rude EVER hit a missle dropkick? He did here. Great back and forth stuff.

-Monsoon gets testy because Heenan has his hands in his jacket pockets, believing that he may be going for a weapon. Ventura tries to downplay it, saying he’s just counting his chips. Monsoon wants to know if Heenan thinks there’s a coke machine at ringside. Now THERE’S a funny concept: a tag team loses a match because the partner on the apron went to get a Sprite, and his buddy couldn’t tag out and thus fell victim to the finish.

-Rude takes over, but can’t swivel his hips due to the pain inflicted upon him. We need more comedic selling in wrestling, especially when it ties into the psychology. Fans notice these things. If you notice, the crowd’s actually alive for this one.

-Rude gets the tainted pin after Heenan hooks Warrior’s foot during a suplex attempt, and Ravishing Rick gets his only WWF gold. A time traveling smark went back to 1989 and watched this match, saying this: “So Rude, the better wrestler, has to have his manager help him beat a muscle head with 2 moves? Afterward, they don’t even let Rude celebrate because the focus is on Warrior!”. Don’t worry, I just gave him two bags of Smartfood white cheddar popcorn, so that should hold him for 20 minutes.

-Ventura on Heenan’s cheating: “Vintage Heenan!”. Dammit, Jesse, you just gave Cole carte blanche!

-Just to drag this show out some more, here’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Bad News Brown in a battle of “Two men who haven’t had a great match since at least 1986″. It’s just strictly fodder, though Duggan yelling “GET OFF MY @$$” to Tim White livens the fans a bit. Just slightly. Lance is in the crowd thinking “You know, wait ten years, and this guy won’t be chanting USA anymore. He’ll convert to being Canadian and we’ll dominate a dying promotion! All 27 people watching will hate us!”

-Ventura says “If either man tries a hold, they might win it”. Sage advice. Sadly, a chair and 2X4 get involved and it’s a double DQ. Then we get the infamous image of Duggan’s snot-riddled mustache. Classy.

-Red Rooster promo. Terry Taylor was the Chris Harris of his era: decent wrestler, bad gimmick, laughingstock of the biz, but nobody feels bad.

-Rooster vs. Bobby Heenan and it’s over in 30 seconds as Rooster wins. Heenan had the Brooklyn Brawler with him, which is more Mania airtime than Lance Storm ever had. And thus brings “Let’s make fun of Lance Storm for being bland and underutilized” time to an end. On an up note, Rooster’s undefeated at WrestleMania, much like Undertaker. You can see the similarities.

-And now, the big finish.

-Mmm….Elizabeth. She’s so cute when she’s concerned.

-Why does Savage have to make his entrance first? He’s the champ! Stupid face/heel designations. Liz is out second to zero pop. Did watching the 5K kill everyone’s libido?

-There’s a recurring theme through this match that I will address here, rather than keep coming back to it: Although Jesse Ventura plays a devil’s advocate heel who points out babyface hypocrisy and praises the villains, he REALLY goes out of his way to slag Hogan in this match, going far beyond any burial job that he’s ever done. In his book “I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed”, Ventura was appalled that Hogan was paid over a million dollars for this show. To this I say: if Hogan wasn’t on this show, and had never worked in wrestling, then NO ONE would know who Jesse Ventura is. Hogan, while a politician with a massive ego, made everyone richer just by being there. Ventura needs to shut up once in a while and realize that his fame came vicariously through the very man he’s clearly jealous of. Ventura’s my favorite color commentator of all time, but, seriously, he needs to shut the Hell up.

-Lemme climb off my high horse now….

-Both men have worked this crowd into a frenzy with the “cat and mouse” game as Jesse calls it. GREAT heat spot as Savage pulls the neutral Liz in his way of a potential Hogan punch. Only months earlier, he was a virtuous and hard working hero who had the fans screaming for him. Is there anyone who can seamlessly play hero and villain like him? I think not.

-The one-upsmanship leads to Hogan getting busted open, and Savage using little heel tricks like going to the eyes and choking him with wrist tape to keep the advantage. Savage was the first opponent outside of Andre that made you think that he had a legit chance of beating the Hulkster.

-In a moment made famous by the old WWF WrestleMania NES commercial, Hogan bodyslams Savage over the top and the brawl continues outside, leading to Liz getting emotionally involved, and ultimately ejected. This is the first match of the night that really feels like it’s between two men who hate each other, and want each other dead. It’s probably not far off, either.

-Savage lands the Savage Elbow and gets 2 off of it, and this, of course, leads to the Hogan finish and his second World Title. GREAT match, and an all time favorite of mine, even though I’m a Savage loyalist. Great end to a dragging show.

-CYNIC SAYS: Going through Hell to get to Heaven. WrestleMania V sapped my energy, though many matches were “solid”, though it was the main event that made it all worthwhile. Soon, Vince cut back on the matches and length, for the better of course. But still, check out the two singles titles matches if you want to see some classics.

Coming soon: a whole new decade.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

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