-Greetings, brethren. Welcome to the first WWE WrestleMania of the Monday Night Wars era, which took place on March 31, 1996 at the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA. One thing you will discover for both this and WrestleMania 2000, which was in the same venue, is that Anaheim fans have a tendency to play dead at inopportune times. I theorized that they were all robots from some animatronic Disney parade and thus were deprived of emotions like elation, euphoria, and “Holy crap, why does Steve Blackman have a job?” I think maybe I judge the Anaheimers (Anaheimlickers?) too harshly.

-This was a watershed day for 12 year old Justin, as his childhood hero Shawn Michaels was either going to become WWE Champion for the first time, or fall short as he’d done in the past. I also watched the event alone, because my brother Josh had been boycotting WWF since Summerslam 1995 for having such a lousy product. He tuned in exclusively to WCW, which had the Dungeon of Doom. Lesson learned: Josh is a schmuck.

-Pre-show action including the Bodydonnas winning the Tag Team Tournament finals over the Godwinns, and The “Huckster” and “Nacho Man” both dying in their geriatric match. Six years later, that same senile Hulk Hogan would become WWF Champion, because Vince McMahon had buried most of the roster into oblivion. I can’t write comedy this good.

-Our hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler. While running down the card, Lawler brings up Forrest Lawn in reference to the Undertaker’s match with Diesel, and, for some reason, I get a mental image of a dead wrestler’s version of “Thriller”. Can you imagine Chris Candido and Louie Spicolli and Buddy Rose dancing in sync? “Cause it’s the filler! Filler fight! And we are out to job because it pays the bills, this is FIL-LERRRRRRR!”. Yeah, I’m going to Hell, but I’ll save your seat, since you laughed too.

-The opening contest is a six man tag, featuring Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson, and an increasingly frazzled Jake Roberts facing the impressive Camp Cornette, consisting of Vader, Owen Hart, and Davey Boy Smith. If Yoko’s team won, Yoko would get five minutes alone with Jim Cornette. You know,
I’ve made enough semi-humorous homosexual jokes for the first eleven WrestleManias, so I’m going to let this little sinker ball go without a swing.

-To say that Jake Roberts needs to wear a shirt at all times is a lot like saying that Ed Harris’ character in A History of Violence needs to wear grandpa-style sunglasses at all times.

-After Yokozuna launches Ahmed onto the heels, I wonder how far Ahmed would have gone if he wasn’t such an injury liability. He’s like what would happen if Vince told Bobby Lashley to imitate Suge Knight. Shame he injured himself and so many others, though.

-There’s nothing technically WRONG with this match, but it’s just meandering. There’s no real heat segment, and it’s like everyone’s just trying to “get their stuff in”. This is what Money in the Bank would look like in 1996. The thought of Yoko climbing a ladder is hilarious. The thought of Shelton Benjamin trying to do an over-the-ladder sunset powerbomb on Yoko is even more funny.

-Mr. Fuji is at ringside waving an American flag and I’m feeling queasy. And I’m American! Let’s just move on.

-Crowd comes to life for Jake, as he goes to town on Owen and Bulldog, and the fans scream for the DDT. Say what you will about WWE pushing has-beens, but the ones with enough residual heat to be fascinating still will always have a spot, especially if they can sell t-shirts and help mold the new generation. Hey, if Jake doesn’t spout his gospel here, what quote does Austin use at the King of the Ring coronation? Exactly.

-Jake lands the DDT on Owen, but wouldn’t you know it, Vader lays Jake out and squashes him with the Vaderbomb to give Camp Cornette the duke. Shame, because I wanted to see Yokozuna show us his Deliverance impression. Well, not really but still. I just don’t like Cornette, that’s all. Jim Cornette hated that last match, but didn’t make his opinion known until after Vince McMahon stopped paying him. Good to know.

-Now to the parking lot for the Hollywood Backlot Brawl between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Goldust. There’s no real way to end the match, but it’s strictly an excuse to have a wild brawl. Piper at this point was President (Good lord…) and was threatening to make a man out of Goldust. TOO MANY CHANCES TO MAKE THOSE KINDS OF JOKES! I wish I hadn’t blown my wads so soon! GAHHH, SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?

-So Goldust arrives in a gold Cadillac while wearing his ring attire (total pro), and Piper’s dressed like a crazed Arthur Fonzarelli. Piper attacks the car with a baseball bat and the fight is underway. I have to say, this is probably one of the most violent offerings yet seen in WWF. Between Goldust’s stiff shots and Piper’s go-for-broke swings with the bat, this looked as real as it could get. A few of Piper’s swings came dangerously close to Goldust’s head as well. Eat your heart out, ECW. Piper and Goldust are actually getting PAID.

-Question: it’s raining during this street fight, so why’s there a catering table outside? Wouldn’t that ruin the coffee and bagels? Just an observation.

-During the course of the match, Lawler utters the phrase “vintage Piper”. But he only says it once. C’mon, Jerry, that’s not going to be enough.

-Then we get the famed spot of Goldust running over Piper with his caddy, Piper falling off the hood, and then Goldust driving off. Piper then gets into a white Ford Bronco (oh crap….) and begins to give chase through the streets of Los Angeles. I think this was an aborted mission from GTA: Stamford Stories.

-Back to the arena now, as the fight will just have to continue later, hopefully before the show has ended. I wish there was a script in place so that we could make sure that—wait, there is? Oh, goodie!

-Dok Hendrix interviews Savio Vega and asks the all important question: “Savio, what does it feel like knowing that the only way you’ll get a push in this company is to overplay every Spanish stereotype there is?”. Ok, he didn’t ask that, but you know he was THINKING it.

-So it’s Savio Vega vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, pre-glass shatter, pre-knock off Rage Against the Machine music, pre-whoop-ass, pre-bottom line, pre-3:16, and pre-if you wanna see me set Vince on fire and then throw him into this gorge, give me a Hell Yeah. Instead, he’s an icy killer in the vein of Mickey Knox from Natural Born Killers. As opposed to being in the vein of Mike Knox from Natural Born Jobbers.

-Great line from Lawler, who is supposedly quoting Dibiase: “Have you noticed that the people who hate millionaires are the same people who buy lottery tickets?”. Sage words.

-Good give-and-take early on as the world’s forgotten just how good Savio was. He was a bit imposing with his stare, martial arts background, and build. I think he could definitely play the heel Carlito schtick. Shame he had his prime in this era.

-I should note that during this match, Piper apparently calls in from the chase, and we get “live” shots of the Bronco chasing after Goldust. Two things: one, this is silly. Two, they would NEVER in a million years cut away from one of Austin’s matches again to provide some silly fodder for another storyline.

-Just to prove that this is 1996, the Lou Thesz press gets zero reaction. Maybe the fans just hate Lou Thesz? He did marry a woman named Charlie, that’s enough reason to be weirded out by a dude.

-Referee Tim White gets bumped. I always thought Tim White reminded me of a flat-topped version of Dante from Clerks. Not sure why I mentioned it, but here it is anyway. Poor Tim White. Wasn’t even supposed to be here today.

-Austin smashes Savio’s head in with the Million Dollar Title, aka the best looking belt of all time, and then applies the Million Dollar Dream. Forgot “pre-Stunner” on the list. Dibiase revives White with a soda, and Savio’s out to give Austin the win. Big win for Stone Cold, but three months later, it would get even better….

-Another great line from Lawler, espousing more Dibiase wisdom: “The rich get richer; the poor get children!”

-More stock footage of “Piper” “chasing” “Goldust”. All we’re missing is Bob Orton as Al Cowlings. “THIS IS COWBOY! I HAVE PIPER IN THE TRUCK….BOB ORTON, YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS DAMMIT!”.

-Mr. Perfect interviews Diesel, who can’t hear Hennig over the size of his WCW contract. Cringe, Vince, cringe.

-Next up, a rather interesting match as it features the return of one Ultimate Warrior. He would be taking on someone making their WrestleMania debut, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, aka Triple H. At this point, Hunter had a different female escort to the ring each night, and in this case, it’s a rather comely blond by the name of Sable. Too. Many. Egos. In. One. Match.

-Warrior makes his grand return to a sizeable ovation, thus making the potential headache worth it for Vince, at least for tonight. Hunter attacks and manages to land the Pedigree…BUT WARRIOR GETS RIGHT UP! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOUR FINISHER IS A JOKE, HUNTER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WARRIOR NO SOLD IT, YOU DOPEY SUCKHOLER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-Sorry, but that felt good.

-Warrior finishes with the usual in about a minute and a half.

-Quick rant: Hunter would go on to kvetch and complain during the WrestleMania 2000 All-Day PPV event about this match, and his rant would reappear on Warrior’s burial DVD in 2005. Basically, he complains that Warrior didn’t do the match right, made Hunter look bad, and ruined the whole Mania experience for “The Game”. Reality time: Warrior needed to squash SOMEBODY in his return match. The match would have gone that way, regardless of the opponent, whether it was Hunter, 123 Kid, Bob Backlund, Jerry Lawler, Jeff Jarrett, or whoever. Hunter’s diatribe was meant to convince fans that Triple H meant something in 1996, when he was really just a heatless twig who latched onto the Kliq like an Ichabod Crane-looking parasite. To say that “Warrior ruined the experience” for him is an absolute joke, and more an exercise in post-relevance damage control. Hunter was a midcarder in 1996, and a very bland one. Nobody cared about Hunter until he inflated his physique and chained himself to Shawn Michaels on screen. Hunter’s just angry because Warrior will never return to WWE to return the favor. Point being: Warrior is the only man to beat Hunter and never lose to him, and that drives Jesus Almighty Paul Levesque insane. And I laugh.

-Moving on.

-Meanwhile, Todd introduces new WWF Superstar, Marc Marrow. Who? Oh, Marc MERO. Jeez, say it right you Pauly Shore wannabe. Mero wants us to look into his eyes. Ok, now what? Go into a trance and repeat “I will exploit dead wrestlers just to get on TV”? Oh wait, Hunter blames Sable for his loss and Mero defends her, leading to a pull-apart brawl that would be Mero’s first angle. When you rank the women that have escorted Hunter to the ring, in order of hotness, I think it goes, Sable, Stephanie (distant second), X-Pac, and Chyna.

-Remember, Mero jumped to WWF from WCW because he found WCW’s product to be distasteful. So he brought Sable with him to WWF and….should I really have to tell you the rest?

-More footage of the OJ chase. Do you think that for the money that Vince spent on obtaining the footage, he had to tell Duke Droese and Fatu “Sorry, we’re over budget and you’re being let go”?

-Next up, we have Diesel and The Undertaker in a match where the loser gets to go to WCW and help bury the company. Diesel informs us on camera that he is “the s^#t!”. Diesel would go on to become so lazy in WCW that he stopped saying the “the” part, and it somehow made more sense.

-Take note: we’re watching the first ever good match that Taker would have at Mania, as Diesel’s having a good stand-up brawl with him. That’s how you have a great match with Undertaker: stick him with an opponent that has a lot of signature moves, poses, and knows how to work the fans. Then Taker takes his best stuff and they piece together a match with all of the flair spots. When they’re not in the flair spots, they’re slugging it out in manly fashion. It’s such a simple formula, and it works every time. Take note: good matches aren’t about complicated moves. It’s about proper insertion and use of the big moves.

-Quick shout out to Wrestlecrap.com forum user Agent P, who is the latest winner of the “respond to my post first, win a mention in my column” contest. Good job, P. Thanks for reading.

-You know you’re watching a good Undertaker match when he takes time out of being a zombie to land a couple of cross bodies.

-Diesel hits a couple of Jackknife powerbombs, but Taker refuses to die. You can pretty much guess when someone’s on their way out when their finishing move is proven to be about as effective as a Swiss cheese condom. Undertaker goozles Diesel and prepares Big Daddy Cool for the inevitable.

-Flying clothesline? Check. Chokeslam? Check. Tombstone piledriver that spikes Diesel on his cranium? Check. The winner and now 5-0 at the big dance, The Undertaker. Really good match, one that reads like a primitive prototype for Taker’s matches with Batista. This wasn’t as fast paced, but it was definitely watchable and fun if you enjoy a good brawl. Diesel would stay motivated for about another six months before realizing “Hey, these Time Warner contracts are really cushy!”. Until that happens, BUY THE SHIRT!

-Meanwhile, Todd is stationed by a surveillance monitor, reporting that Goldust and Piper are nearing the arena. If that was Mean Gene, he would have said “Who’s driving erratically outside the Arrowhead Pond? Call the hotline and find out!”.

-So Piper chases Goldust back into the arena, rams the side of his car in a scary spot (you can even hear Vince audibly cringe), and the fight continues onward. They brawl backstage and even pass by Diesel (showing no ill effects, oops), and the fight spills into the arena. My question: where did they go? Did they stop at Sardis?

-As the fight makes it to the ring, the brawling becomes more intense. And by “intense”, I mean that Goldust repeatedly gropes Piper in very overt and non-ambiguous ways. This is the kind of match that drives Sarah Palin insane.

-Goldust puts a definitive coda on his twisted seduction by kissing Piper on the lips. Roddy then snaps, beats the hell out of Mr. Runnels, and strips his jumpsuit off to reveal black lingerie. If Goldust wanted to play mind games with Piper, he should have dressed as Bob Orton and followed him everywhere. Wait….Goldust’s brother is Cody Rhodes….Orton’s son is Randy…..Cody and Randy’s backstage segments have this bizarre sexual tension…..ummm. Can you guys give me a minute? I need to get a dustpan and broom, since I just blew my own mind.

-Piper kisses Goldust in return and destroys him to send him running, and technically “win” the match. Odd as it was, I have to admit it was entertaining. That’s all that matters, right? The real winner: ten year old Cody Rhodes, who learned from his brother’s folly and would grow to keep his sexual feelings more ambiguous. Yep.

-And now, the biggest match in my seven years as a fan: Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in a sixty minute iron man match for the WWF Title. I’d thrown a nearly full soda at the kitchen door one year earlier when Shawn lost to Diesel. This year? I had a whole case waiting in the fridge. Piss on me, Vince. My mom’s got a mop. Go ahead, try me.

-Nice training video shown for each man, complete with Bret being beaten up by his eighty year old dad, Stu. To be fair, Stu’s the white John Shaft. I don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to try him.

-So here’s the deal with the main event: there’s no way I can mock this match too deeply, given that it’s a near flawless scientific classic. On the other hand, I can’t make one hour of pure wrestling sound enthralling in a wordpad file, so there’s going to a LOT cut out for the sake of creating a fun read. So to anyone looking for a blow-by-blow of 62 minutes of wrestling, then my advance apologies.

-Shawn Michaels is introduced first, and manager/trainer/Hans Moleman’s biological father Jose Lothario comes out instead. This is, of course, a set up for Shawn making his grand entrance from a zipline above the arena. What would have happened if Shawn fell and was seriously hurt? How do you fill the next hour? I guess you could have Bret defend the title against someone else. That would be a hell of a conundrum, though.

-Earl Hebner gives miked up instructions for both Shawn and Bret, which is a nice touch, but I’m quivering with laughter when I consider that it’s those three in the ring together and Vince is at ringside. Hunter would be out here, but he’s too busy gluing his dignity together backstage.

-Two quick notes: one, for a crowd that’s as mostly dead as Anaheim is, I think you’ve run the wrong match type for the main event. Sixty minutes of straight wrestling? Biting off more than you can chew here. Also, in hindsight, I truly think Shawn Michaels was a better technical wrestler than Bret Hart. Bret may have been more precise, but Shawn seemed to display deeper variety (especially here) and seemed to have better improvisational skill. My opinion, of course.

-During the early going, Shawn keeps working over the arm with various armdrags and fujiwara holds while I paced around the room. I kept waiting for one man to strike first and get the first fall. Not knowing was making me tense.

-The match spills outside and we get the first big moment of drama: Shawn attempting Sweet Chin Music, Bret moving, and ringboy Tony Chimel getting wiped out instead. SICK shot for a non-wrestler to take. Gorilla Monsoon’s look of abject horror was to behold.

-The match turns into a shot for shot contest, with both men just hammering each other with stiff looking punches. Bret says in his book that Shawn was hitting him for real, but it’s okay with me. Bret was taking six months off to sit at home and film a long forgotten Western series, so I think that’s a little minor.

-Over twenty minutes in and we go back to the armwork some more. I have to admit, without me growing concerned about Shawn losing, this is starting to drag. I can’t slag it because it’s so precise, but geez, was this really the best course to go on? It’s no wonder WWF didn’t try another Iron Man match until 2000.

-Bret avoids Sweet Chin Music by sliding to the floor, so Shawn goes up the buckles and comes off with the Super Shawn crossbody. Finally, another moment of real drama. We’re only nearly thirty minutes into this thing, you know.

-Back inside and the Hitman begins to work the back. Bret hammers and clubs away, setting up for a potential Sharpshooter. Somehow, if Shawn had lost on a submission, I think my childhood would have ended that day, and I would have grown up to be a bitter, self-righteous, pious jerk who swore he was right about everything. Thankfully, I don’t think Wrestling Observer ever got my application.

-As an aside, McMahon and Lawler are absolutely on their game calling this one. Other than Lawler making a couple cracks about Stu Hart, they’ve dissected the match and explained every move and every action in minute detail. Kudos to both men.

-Shawn flips over the post and ends up landing on Jose Lothario. Good Moleman to you, Jose.

-Meanwhile, 12 year old Justin could barely watch. This is why WWF markets to 12 year olds: it’s an easier demographic to sell drama to. My sweaty brow certainly was buying into this.

-Many pin attempts later, and still no fall. We’re three quarters of the way through and still no pins. Insane. Then Bret lands his through-the-ropes suicide dive and the fans are on their feet. Getting closer.

-Shawn gets his patented forearm and kip up, and I watch as Shawn hits about twelve big moves in a row and is unable to pin Bret. DAMN IT ALL! Bret just won’t die! Vince, PLEASE ring the bell! I’m begging you!

-Now we’re under a minute to go and Shawn’s slooooowly climbing the buckles. Please please please please……CRAP! BRET CATCHES SHAWN IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! I distinctly remember my skin color turning Sheamus-white at this point.

-The bell sounds without Shawn giving up and it’s apparently a draw at 0-0. I was speechless. And then Monsoon conferred with Finkel and it’s announced that we’re going to sudden death! YES! Of course, with my luck, Bret just rolls in and pins the exhausted Shawn. I had a bad feeling.

-So Bret’s pissed about having to do 2 more minutes of work, but he gets in there and lays a beating on Shawn’s back some more. Finally, a cross corner whip sees Shawn catapult himself over Bret and land the Sweet Chin Music. I screamed at my TV like those rednecks on Youtube who got mad at CM Punk at Extreme Rules 2009. Of course, I was 12. Don’t judge me.

-Finally, it happens: Bret stands and is wobbly, and Shawn pastes him with a second Music for the pin and his first WWF World Title. Great, great match that you have to watch in the right context to fully appreciate. Shawn can barely celebrate with a smile, because he’s so exhausted and trying to mask his tears. All of Shawn’s hard work (and maybe a little schmoozing) paid off.

-I went to bed that night with a wide smile on my face. Because back then, I wasn’t the cynical smark that I am now. I was just a kid who wanted to see his favorite wrestler win the big one. And he did. And THAT is why I have no problem with WWE marketing to kids these days: when those kids watch John Cena or Rey Mysterio or Undertaker or DX or anyone else that they love win the big match, they have a very happy moment that brings them back. I should know. This was mine.

-CYNIC SAYS: Six matches, but let’s break it down: Shawn and Bret is an all time classic. Diesel/Taker and Austin/Savio were both well above average. The backlot brawl was entertaining crap that didn’t detract from things in the least. The opening six man tag was fun, if disjointed. And who doesn’t love to see Hunter get crushed in ninety seconds?

It’s hard to find fault with this show other than the notions that it was in a bad time period, the crowd was quiet, and it was short on match quantity. Watching this show for two hours and forty five minutes is not punishment at all, and I would wholeheartedly declare this to be the most underrated WrestleMania in history. It’s not a one match show at all. It’s a show with one great match and a damn fine supporting cast.

If you wanna see a one match show, wait till my next review.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 1 – 1985-1989 (I-V)

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From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!

-You know the usual. Let’s go back to April 5, 1992 to the jam packed Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis. This was less than 24 hours after Indiana had been bounced out of the Men’s Final Four by Duke, proving that this isn’t the first time that the Hoosier State has been close to a title and fallen short. Except in 1992, there was no Peyton Manning to yell at his teammates to do exactly as he says, only to throw a lousy interception to a dude who shaves pictures into his hair. Peyton’s like a stuck up prep in some college comedy about slobs vs. snobs. If Super Bowl XLIV was just such a movie, then it would have ended with Peyton Manning getting crushed by a giant keg falling out of an airplane.

-This show is important as it was meant to be the last hurrah for Hulk Hogan, who was going to detoxify—er, retire after this show. As his going away gift, he gets to try and carry Sid Justice to a watchable match. Remind me to never leave WWE. Vince might give me a Corvette with no brakes.

-The show begins with a typical, raspy Vince dub job. Vince missed his calling as the emcee on The Price is Right. “GREG LARSEN, COME ON DDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWN-AHH”.

-Also of note, Ric Flair has promised to show some revealing photos of Miss Elizabeth, should he defeat Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan spends the entire welcoming segment searching for them as Gorilla Monsoon berates him. If you’re ever going to a singles bar, leave Monsoon behind. Sounds like the opposite of a wing man, whatever that may be (Broken-wing-man? Buzzkill? Social malaria?)

-Here to sing America the Beautiful, Reba McIntyre. It’s 1992, and she has some rather prominent mall hair going. By 1992, the northeast had moved away from mall hair and the women were more into straightening theirs (some experimented with the Sean Young/Jamie Lee Curtis short look) while men had moved into rocker mullets (like the Phillies) and mostly simpler styles. Point being: the South is always behind on the times. You saw how long it took em to integrate schools, right?

-To kick things off, El Matador (Tito Santana) and Shawn Michaels. Matador had his furry hat with him that he carried, but never wore. How bad must a hat be when its’s the ONE thing that Santana WON’T sell for? Besides, what was the POINT of this gimmick? I know he’d basically been plain-as-toast Tito Santana for a decade at this juncture, but did they expect the fans to rally behind a bullfighter? My guess is that with neon colors being all the rage, that it was merely an excuse to put a man in green pants and pink boots. It’s like a wrestling piece of produce with that color scheme. Triple H could dress as Gallagher and whack him with the sledge. I’d pay to see it….

-Michaels, however, was oozing stardom about three months into his heel turn. The crowd reaction is mixed, indicating either there was still some residual love for The Rockers, or that Shawn was just so interesting that they really couldn’t boo him. This is, by the way, Sherri’s third WrestleMania in a row that she’s with a different guy. She’d have a different man the following year, too. Was this a social commentary on disloyal women, or just a parody of Missy Hyatt?

-Monsoon says that Helen Keller does Sherri’s make-up. I thought Heenan was supposed to be the callous heel?

-As Matador and Michaels work the mat superbly, I notice that the set-up is kinda similar to WrestleMania III, except with a side aisle. The circumstances are even similar: Savage in a great title match, Hogan has a limited opponent, and nobody cares about Rick Martel’s match.

-Sweet Chin Music! Well, not quite. At this point in canon, it was merely a set up move. The BIG finish? A teardrop suplex. This explains Shawn’s beer gut, as he spent 2 years drinking himself into a stupor, saying “My move is a suplex where I cross my arms under the guys’ CROTCH. OH MY GOD”.

-Michaels manages to win it by reversing a slam into the ring. At this point, I was eight years old and a BIG fan of Shawn’s. When Bobby Heenan said “The star of the nineties, right there”, I nodded. My brother’s friend Dave watched it with us and said, and I’m serious, “I think it’ll be Stunning Steve Austin”. Dave’s also the same man who bought Richard Roundtree’s autograph off of E-Bay for $3.50, but he’s still one of the best friends I’ve ever had. So here’s a shout out for the man.

-To waste some time, the LOD come out for an interview, bringing their old manager Paul Ellering with them. Heenan is flabbergasted to see this somewhat dangerous mind, but Monsoon has no idea who he is. Had he added “I never watched those other crappy promotions!”, he would have been my savior with brownie points to spare. Ellering’s doomsday speech goes over the head of the marks, but sounds really wicked now, especially the line “From the rocking of the cradle to the rolling of the hearse”. Then he would bring in a dummy named Rocco and ruin the fun. Stupid kids entertainment.

-Next up, Jake Roberts will do battle with the Undertaker for the title of “Dennis Hopper’s Favorite Wrestler”. Roberts doesn’t have a snake with him, but does have his uber-eerie heel music. Try listening to it at 3 AM on low volume and see if you don’t feel a bit unnerved.

-A fan has a sign for Taker that reads “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, and I realize that later in the year, he was supposed to feud with Nailz in some “electric chair” matches. Reminds me of “Ride the Lightning”. Can I make wrestling jokes using Metallica’s entire Ride the Lightning album? Probably not, unless there’s a Japanese wrestler named Ktulu that’s flying under my radar.

-I immediately realize that this match was long before Undertaker was any fun. He was just a slow zombie character who didn’t have the submission based offense, nor the opponents to do his swank stand-up power brawls with. Especially not Jake, who’s phoning it in, and not even having the kindness to pay for overnight delivery. I think Jake wanted to be a booker after this show, and there was no spot for him, so he knew he was on his way out and was dogging it badly. Not good.

-Also not good: without Jesse Ventura, there are too many awkward pauses from Heenan, who tries to comprehend too much before speaking, or is at least trying too hard to make jokes. It just detracts from the whole.

-So Undertaker sits up from 2 DDT’s, which is unheard of (until the DDT became a transition move) and Jake goes for the urn from Paul Bearer, but Taker’s on the attack outside the ring. Taker then Tombstones Jake on the concrete. Well, actually, he tombstoned about 4 strands of Jake’s ratty hair, since that’s all that hit the concrete; his head was about nine inches short. It’s a rare time where WWE put the closest camera angle available onto a blown spot. Doesn’t happen often.

-Taker gets the pin on Jake, who passed out from the shame of blowing the finish. Or so I assume. Taker’s now 2-0, with no end in sight. Though next year’s match counted as a loss for anyone who watched it, but we’ll cross that bridge later.

-Backstage, Roddy Piper and Bret Hart do a dual promo before the IC Title match, in which Piper is nuts and Bret is bland. Good to see both stretch from their usual styles for this.

-As Bret Hart makes his entrance, you can hear the squealing of a cassette tape in the early portion of his theme song. Just one more reason that I’m glad we live in this digital age.

-Piper, meanwhile, is wearing a t-shirt promoting WWE’s UK Rampage tour. I thought it was the job of the midcarders to wear the event-specific shirts? You’ll find no better walking billboard in wrestling than Tommy Dreamer.

-While both men build their story with a mix of back-and-forth wrestling and frustrated tactics (spitting, etc), Heenan lets us know that if he was Bret Hart and trying to win, he’d have his agent buy it for him and, if that didn’t work, take Piper out back and waffle him with a tire iron. The Brain hath redeemed himself.

-It should be noted that Piper’s keeping up on the mat with Bret and is holding his own well. Here’s a message to Cena haters: it’s not that Cena CAN’T wrestle. It’s that main eventers in WWE work a “mainstream” style that’s much like a universal language. Cena speaks German, Hunter speaks French, Orton speaks Japanese, let’s say. Whatever English they have in common, they share with each other in communication. It just so happens that guys like Shawn and Jericho are tri-lingual and can communicate with a wider variety of performers. Think of it like that.

-Bret gets busted open off of a Piper left hook, which is actually where Bret blades, unbeknownst to Vince. Five years later, Bret lambasted WWE for becoming too sick, raunchy, and disturbing. Know what’s disturbing? Defying your boss’ anti-blade policy just to create sick drama for your match. Sounds like the Hitman is a hypocrite.

-Funny moment as Piper tumbles to the floor and falls against the rail, and the fan pushes it back into him. I miss the metal railings. So much personality.

-After the ref is bumped, Piper finds himself in a position to destroy Bret and retain his title, and does so by getting the bell. And we all know just how much the Hitman hates ring bells. Heenan exclaims “What the hell, use the bell!”. I think Vince came up with a more memorable slogan than that, actually.

-Piper has a change of heart and discards the bell. A struggle leads to Piper locking on a sleeper hold, and then Bret kicking off the turnbuckles into a complicated rolling pin to regain the gold. Crowd pops huge and Piper does the right thing, embracing Bret and putting the belt on him. Piper’s all, “sorry I was going to hit you with the bell” and Bret’s all “That’s ok, you’re going to be a joke in ten years from drug use” and Piper’s all “That’s ok, I’ll still be in better shape than most of your family” and then Bret said “Why, what have you heard?”

-Meanwhile, we go via satellite to Lex Luger’s house as he prepares to make his WBF debut, which never happened. Jeez, Lex can’t even win the big one in events OUTSIDE of wrestling either. Is it wrong that the entire time the video aired, I was thinking “I wonder if that’s the room Elizabeth died in?”

-Just to gnaw on my nerves, we have a filler eight man tag forthcoming with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Sgt Slaughter, Big Bossman, and Virgil (wearing a Vinnie del Negro/Rip Hamilton face shield) taking on The Mountie, the Nasty Boys, and Repo Man(!!). The worst part? Ray Combs doing bad, amateur night ring intros for the heels. I think Brian Gewirtz traveled back in time and wrote Combs’ copy, myself. I know I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but….wait, I always do it anyway. In that case, you suck Combs. There, I feel better.

-This show only has nine matches, and even then they’ve crammed eight men into one match that lasts six minutes. No time for a story here, and Duggan HAS stories to tell. “One time, Iron Sheik and I were on our way to Asbury Park….”

-Saving grace of the match is Big Bossman lifting his knee to prevent a Repo Man sit-down splash, and Repo taking it to the sack. Yep, saving grace, I’m going with that.

-Fortunately, it comes to an end when Brian Knobs gets nailed with the face shield and Virgil del Negro scores the pin. I’d say more, but would you particularly care?

-Meanwhile, Sean Mooney interviews Ric Flair and Mr. Perfect, who are armed with the incriminating photos of Elizabeth. Mean Gene is on post outside Randy Savage’s locker room, though he’s not granting interviews. I think their assignments were backward. I KNOW Mean Gene thinks that. “C’mon, Sean, can’t we switch? I can get the inside on those nudie pix…”

-As expected, Savage goes wild on Flair at the start of the match, fighting for the woman he loves. When Savage is livid (in character), he has no peer. The man can, in storyline, be angry at The Berzerker for stealing his can of Mr. Pibb, and Savage, in the match, can make you believe that the soda meant the world to him by ripping Berzerker piece by piece.

-Other than Savage’s early frenzied pace, it’s a pretty slow build for a match that’s supposed to be intense and full of mind games and wild anger. This is what annoys me about Flair, and Bret was right about it: he tries to dictate the pace himself and do things that make no sense on the fly. In Flair’s book, he criticized Savage for planning things out ahead of time, saying good workers don’t do that. Really? I thought the whole point was to put on a great show for millions of paying fans, not have a pissing contest over who has the better improvisational skills. Those “five star matches” that Flair seems to get accolades for need to be reviewed by people who aren’t leaving their knee prints in the mud.

-Flair blades, and makes it look incredibly obvious, off of a Savage ax handle on the flair. If Flair didn’t spend all of his money on loose women, maybe he could have bought a better blade. And a book on practicing timing.

-Savage drops the big elbow and gets only two, when Perfect pulls Savage to the floor. That’s because Perfect saw that the remaining four matches weren’t any good and wanted to stretch the card out even more. Wise move, Curt.

-After some heel hijinx, Perfect clips Savage’s knee with a chair. I guess you can sense what’s coming. Sidenote: Is Kurt Angle the only wrestler in WWE in the last decade who actively worked a body part to set up his finish? I miss that. You can have Punk work on softening the chin or temple up for the GTS. It’s those little subtleties that make a character work.

-As Savage is in peril, Miss Elizabeth makes her way through the curtain (having figured out the combination to the door Savage locked her behind) and the officials trying to restrain her include…Shane McMahon! I can’t see the scuff marks from where Bret roughed him up the night before for touching his wife. Hey, it’s in the Hitman’s book, read it!

-Figure Four! And the crowd is sensing that Savage is done for. Flair’s got it sunk in, and the chair did the damage. Liz provides the moral support, and the whole scene is crazy. Other than Flair’s match with Vader at Starrcade 1993, Ric’s never had a WCW match that was this emotionally exhausting. Except maybe when Sting beat him for the title. It’s a big reason why WWE has survived so long: they do drama right.

-Flair slaps Savage when he tries to sit up in the hold. Good stuff.

-After Hebner forces the break when Flair’s caught using Perfect for leverage, Ric lands some more knee weakeners, and then woos at Elizabeth, before getting a punch blocked. Savage rolls Flair up and pulls the tights to capture his second WWE Title and letting the Hoosier Dome come unglued. If Savage had done that to Christian Laettner and Grant Hill the night before, he could have been elected governor.

-Afterward, an irate Flair kisses Elizabeth and then gets MAULED by Savage. Hot angle to end the match, though the promised centerfold never comes to light. No wonder nobody ever gave this match the full five stars.

-Both men have words afterward. Flair’s are exceptional, as he remains calm, albeit bleeding, while Perfect and Heenan go nuts at his side. He promises revenge in an eerie and metered tone. Savage, meanwhile, is a limping wreck, as he hands Elizabeth his title and basically promises to kill Flair for kissing his wife. Randy’s eyes during the promo are a sight to behold. If I backed into his car and he made that face at me, I’m driving off, leaving-the-scene charges be damned.

-At this point, I am advised to inform you that any goodness from this show has passed. A couple of four star matches, a fine opener, and a memorable Taker/Roberts match have given way to a remainder that is lacking in both quality and fun. If you wish to turn away now, you may do so. If not, then brace yourself for a wave of sarcasm and mockery that’ll erode the shorelines of merriment.

-Up next, Tatanka and Rick Martel, who had outlived his usefulness a year earlier. He does work in a “reservations” joke to take us back to the 1960’s when the joke was considered edgy. For an encore, Martel ‘s going to the sock hop later to spike the punch bowl with a foreign tonic. Oh, that darn Martel!

-Before the match, members of the Lumbee Indian Tribe perform a ritual dance inside the ring. I’m actually thrilled to see WWE do something cultural for a change. Of course, two years later, IRS would destroy Tatanka’s sacred headdress, so I’ll take anything that I can get.

-Sadly, the match is rather vanilla, and it stood no chance of holding the crowd’s interest after the roller coaster of a match that Savage and Flair just had. Maybe they should have made this match no DQ. Wouldn’t it be fun to see Tatanka and Martel wailing away on each other with tomahawks and war drums? The tribesmen have them at ringside, so why not?

-Tatanka wins it with a cross body. If that move were any more vanilla, it would have been drafted #18 overall by the Utah Jazz. Or maybe the Pacers would have snatched it up to give Tyler Hansbrough somebody to watch Cake Boss with. Let’s just move on.

-Now for the final title match of the eve, as Money Inc defend the gold against the Natural Disasters. Here’s what I never understood: why would a millionaire who is greedy and obsessed with picking on the lower class, why would he associate with a zealous tax collector who makes everyone hand over their hard earned money? Did IRS cut Ted Dibiase a deal to not go after him? Did Dibiase just have so much wealth that he didn’t care how much went to IRS, because he’d always have plenty left? Did I overthink this idea way too much? The jury’s still out on the aforementioned.

-Wait I figured it out: it was just a ploy to give Dibiase a legit title for once. Works for me.

-Double noggin knocker by Typhoon on the champs. Notice how heels never do double noggin knockers? Must be a law.

-I have to admit, I laugh every time someone steps on IRS’ necktie, and Heenan cries “He’s stepping on his tongue!”. I have no idea why it’s so funny. Maybe it’s the absurdity of the line. This match is really dragging, because fat hosses can’t do peril spots against smaller workers. Who’s going to buy Earthquake or Typhoon struggling to overcome Money Inc?

-IRS eats the Typhoon splash, and the Earthquake is teased, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and the champs walk away for the count out loss while the Disasters stood there like idiots. Biggest show of the year, yessiree.

-Brutus Beefcake is sad to see Hogan go. Good luck finding someone else who needs a sycophant there, Bruti.

-Here’s the next match: Skinner spits tobacco chaw into Owen Hart’s eyes, Owen kicks out of the gator breaker, and skins the cat to pin Skinner with a cradle. There, saved you a full minute. That’s the third time in four years that match before the main event lasted less than two minutes. Lazy booking? Can’t be! On a fun note, Carlito proved that he basically stole his shtick from Skinner, although his is less gross.

-Sid Justice taunts Hulk Hogan backstage and calls Mean Gene a “bald headed oaf”. Hey, let’s give Sid some credit. He didn’t accidentally call HIMSELF a bald headed oaf, you know.

-So here we go, the original “last hurrah” for the Hulkster, as he beats up Sid before the bell and throws him to the floor while “Real American” is still playing. I’d hate to think that that’s where New Jack lifted the idea from, but it’s a funny concept.

-The match wasn’t going to be slow enough, so Hogan and Sid have a test of strength, and it goes just like the Hogan-Warrior version, except with less interest than a corrupt bank. Hogan had definitely peaked and was going downhill in a hurry.

-Sid hits Hogan with a doctor’s bag, which is something I don’t say every day. What was the point of Sid being managed by Harvey Whippleman? What was the point of WHIPPLEMAN? What is he doing anywhere near the main event of WrestleMania? I’m grasping at straws here.

-Sid takes time to talk to the camera during the main event of the biggest show of the year. Not an offhand comment, mind you, but a full Shakespearian monologue where he rattles off the foods he’s eaten in the last thirty days. It’s going to take something big to save things here, but you know….we just might get it….

-Sid applies a nerve pinch, and THAT should end it. Just once, the main event of WrestleMania should end with a nerve pinch, just to see how people react. Unless Daniel Bryan made HHH submit to one, then in which case it would be lauded as a “brilliant move”.

-Hogan inexplicably breaks free of the nerve hold, but soon after eats the power bomb. BUT HOGAN KICKS OUT! I have no idea WHY Hulk’s retiring. He can no sell deadly finishers as good in 1992 as he did in 1985, if not better! Must be an outside force driving him away.

-So Hogan gets the usual sequence followed by the Leg Drop, but Sid has to kick out because the interfering Papa Shango missed his cue. Hey, pimpin’ ain’t easy, and apparently pulling off a simple run-in isn’t either.

-So after Whippleman causes the DQ, Hogan gets double teamed by Hoss and Hosser, until Ultimate Warrior (gone for seven months at this point) makes a surprise return, hitting the ring and saving Hogan. The two men celebrate, and Hogan’s basically handed the torch to Warrior again. Will Jim Hellwig drop the burning ember yet again? What do you think? Man, if Warrior never runs in here, then it’s a sour ending. As it is, it’s just “merely bad”.

-CYNIC SAYS: Well then. Seems that Vince did a lousy job stacking this card, didn’t he? Through Savage-Flair, you were looking at the greatest WrestleMania ever up to that point. It was almost flawless? Then the second half sank like a bale of ICO-PRO being jettisoned off of a drug raft. If this was Hogan’s sendoff, then was this the best that they could do? It clearly wasn’t the end for Hulk, and he provided many more great memories in later years, but it just felt so flat here. At least let the man who made millions for you pin Sid clean, right?

It’s a thumbs up show on the merit of all that was good, because what was good was GREAT. It’s enough to make it worth a watch, but keep those expectations low when you reach the climax.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 1 – 1985-1989 (I-V)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 2 – 1990-1994 (WrestleMania VI-X)

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!

-Did you know that narcolepsy is an inherited disorder? I just inherited it from WrestleMania’s IV and V. Good lord, if those shows were any more sleep-inducing, I’d just play them for my future infant kids when they get colicky.

-But THIS is more like it: the first WrestleMania that I watched as a fan. Well, I didn’t actually “watch” it, but rather my brother Josh figured out that if you turn to the PPV channel, you can “listen” to it and still keep up with the action in real time, though the picture was scrambled. Although we occasionally ordered the shows, we would continue this money saving tradition until shortly after Backlash 2002, when everything went digital. See? Science is screwing us over. Finally, I agree with Pat Buchanan on something.

-So here we are, April 1, 1990, live from the Skydome in Toronto, Ontario. It’s a beautiful venue that fit 67,678 fans in on this day. In 2005, the building would be renamed “The Rogers Centre”, because Canadians like for their venues to be as bland as the people. KIDDING! Though everytime I think of The Skydome, I think of how Phillies’ reliever Mitch Williams gave up a three run homer to Joe Carter of the Blue Jays in the 1993 World Series ANDIJUSTGETSOPISSEDOFFTHATIWANNASCREAM! DAMN YOU MITCH WILLIAMS! YOU KILLED MY CHILDHOOD! I THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN A MURDEROUS SOCIOPATH IF BRAD LIDGE DIDN’T SEAL THE DEAL IN 2008 YOU MULLETED JACKASS! Not that I was a bitter kid, or anything.

-To open the show, we have a bizarre sprawling video of a starry sky, featuring two constellations: Hulk Hogan (baldius nosellera) and Ultimate Warrior (Republicanio exhaustior). It’s voiced over by Vince McMahon, who sounds like he’s squeezing a rolling pin through his bowels. Why hasn’t this been a source for parody yet? I guess it wasn’t as remembered as prominently.

-The final WrestleMania for Jesse Ventura, as he and Gorilla Monsoon are paired one last time. *sniff*

-Here to sing “Oh Canada”, ROBERT MOFOING GOULET! We need Will Ferrell to host Monday Night Raw as Goulet. “I don’t care if he is the Chick Magnet. Can he croon? I CAME TO PLAAAAAAAAAAAY…..”

-#6 for the Fink. AND THE RING CARTS ARE BACK! Once, all it took for Homer Simpson to have the best day of his life was to find a penny on the carpet, and I think I’m just about there.

-To kick things off, it’s some early filler with Koko B Ware and Rick “The Model” Martel. Koko has his parakeet Frankie with him, which leads Monsoon to say “Koko doing the bird, I love it!”. I’m disgusted. Unless it was Ice T’s wife, Coco, in which case, it’s kinda kinky.

-It’s a decent match to start the show, as both men are more than passable in the ring, but we really could use a storyline here. Why not have Martel spray the bird with his “Arrogance” atomizer? PETA can protest Martel, and he can get more cheap heat by wearing minks and leather. He’s an evil model who hurts animals! It’s like Zoolander meets Michael Vick!

-Martel is proof that being a cowardly heel is easier than being a virtuous good guy. At least when you’re playing the fool, you can do simple tricks to get the fans to laugh at you. It’s harder as a good guy because, as a rule, fans have a hard time getting behind a goody goody, like Martel was in Strike Force. Case in point, Martel just flopped without being hit by Koko, because he was too exhausted to stand, and the crowd ate it up. It’s just simple.

-Martel ducks a Koko crossbody and wins it with the Quebec Crab. Good use of four minutes to get the fans excited, and it set a good tone for the night.

-Mean Gene interviews the Colossal Connection (and calls them “Colostomy” just for a gag). Has there ever been a tag team as sheerly cool as them? Andre the Giant and Haku managed by Bobby Heenan? It’s like Batman and John Shaft join forces under the guidance of Christopher Walken. Who needs a UN when those three can enforce world law?

-Demolition rebuts. They snarl a lot. God, I loved Demolition.

-So it’s the Connection defending the Tag Team Titles against the Demos. Ventura says Andre “bulked up” for this match, as if drinking expensive vodka is a sound training regimen. Well, it worked for David Wells. Sadly, Haku carries this match, as Andre never “tags in”, instead doing a couple of run-ins (waddle-ins?) to keep himself involved. Sad to see him so immobile here, in all seriousness.

-Cute spot, as Heenan pimp slaps Ax behind the referee’s back, and then rubs his hand on the apron skirting to get the paint off and conceal his crime. It’s those little things that set my heart aglow.

-Crowd is extremely alive, especially after the hot tag to Smash. Contrast this to one year earlier, when the Atlantic City fans looked like they were attending a seminar on stealthiness. Smash cleans house with Haku, and Ax helps him with some double teams to really get the fans on their feet. Remember when fans would just go crazy because they were at a wrestling show and it was fun to do? What happened to today’s fans? Spoiled brats, if you ask me.

-Great ending, as Haku misses a savate kick and knocks Andre into the ropes. With Andre tied up, the Demos quickly double team Haku and hit Decapitation to claim their third Tag Team Titles. Exciting match, limited as the action was, and the fans ate it up. Meanwhile, a 16 year old kid in the crowd with really shiny teeth said “Yeah, well, wait till I win EIGHT Tag Team titles with my fictional brother! That’ll so TOTALLY reek of awesomeness!”. You know this happened.

-Afterward, Andre takes a browbeating from Heenan (“I’M THE F&#%ING BOSS!”, unbleeped), who then slaps the Giant. Andre destroys both Heenan and Haku before riding off on the cart to a thunderous ovation. That’s how I wanna go out. Not as a hero, but riding a motorized cart designed like a wrestling ring. Can I RENT one of them somewhere? All kidding aside, a fitting end to a great career for Andre the Giant, who is sorely missed by all.

-Next up, Earthquake and Hercules in a battle of “Names that sound epic and exciting”. The DeLorean sounded exciting, too.

-Tacky note: in 2005, after Hurricane Katrina, The Hurricane turned heel and became Gregory Helms again. Some speculate that given the loss of life and controversy surrounding the storm, that the gimmick change was to remove any possible negative connotation. If John Tenta were still alive and active, do you think he’d abandon the Earthquake name in the wake of the Haitian disaster? Good thing there was never a wrestler named Tsunami Smith. Or Chris Benoit.

-Ventura notes that ‘Quake has sent 28 men to the hospital. That’s appalling. Not that he sent 28 men to receive treatment, but the fact that Ventura said, “hospital” and not “medical facility”. How dare he! There’s a list of banned words, you wannabe actor! No wonder Ventura fell off the face of the Earth months later.

-As the two men exchange generic power moves, I noticed the subtle placement of this match: as Andre rides off into the sunset, Earthquake comes in and destroys a powerful opponent. Out with the old, in with the new. Say what you will about Vince, but he’s no dummy. Build the next guy up.

-Quake wins it with the Earthquake splash. Afterward, we get a slo-mo replay of the running splash, which reminds me of the slo-mo footage of Homer swinging the baseball bat, where his fat rolls formed waves around his body. Not slagging the big man, but it was a neat visual.

-Since I’m linking this to the WrestleCrap boards, if RD Reynolds gives this a read, I hope he smiles.

-Rona Barrett (alleged celebrity gossip columnist) interviews Elizabeth. “So, Liz, how many times has Randy locked you in the janitor’s closet when he had a match….”

-Brutus Beefcake and Mr. Perfect are next, and it’s the Mania debut of Perfect’s classic theme. I used to play the MP3 and practice throwing my towel behind my back. No joke.

-Here’s the perfect (pun intended) match: Perfect’s overselling and Beefcake’s comedic reactions. It’s like a slapstick In Loving Color sketch with athleticism.

-Ventura doesn’t believe that Mr. Perfect has a weak spot. That’s not what the coroner said.

-Perfect smashes Beefcake with The Genius’ scroll. I love when managers had character-specific weapons. Genius had the scroll, Jimmy Hart had the megaphone, Slick had his cane, and Terri Runnels had the bulimia bucket.

-The match trickles to a slow finish, with Beefcake slingshotting Perfect into the post, knocking him cold for the win. And just for fun, Beefcake gives The Genius a haircut. Ever notice that Perfect never ever tried to save Genius? Why would Genius hang with a guy who let him get pummeled? Doesn’t sound very Genius-ish to me.

-Now for Rowdy Roddy Piper and Bad News Brown. Nice of Piper to do his best Ted Danson impression. And if you don’t know, don’t ask.

-A banner in the crowd reads “PIPER FOR PRIME MINISTER”. Why, that would imply that Piper’s Canadian. He’s SCOTTISH! He’s wearing a kilt, isn’t he? Jesse can’t even bash Piper, because they have a TV pilot coming out. Business first, after all.

-Piper dances a bit to further annoy the NAACP.

-Monsoon notes that the crowd is a little hushed. Well, you have an angry black man beating up a man who painted half of his body black as a psyche-out tactic. I think I’d be a bit pensive myself.

-Just to annoy me further, someone in the crowd is playing some sort of 8-bit sounding music box. Then, to top that, Piper puts on a Michael Jackson white glove over his “black” hand. You can bet that this match is far from “well thought out” and “overbooked”.

-Ooh, a non finish! Double countout! Well, at least it’s over.

-Steve Allen makes an appearance to make me feel clean over that last debacle. He does some dated vaudeville jokes with the Bolsheviks, but who cares? It’s Steve Allen! If everyone in WWE now had his comic timing, I might laugh WITH the action and not AT it.

-Hart Foundation. Bolsheviks. 19 seconds. Harts win. YAY BRET! Works for me. The only other note is when Nikolai Volkoff goes to sing and Monsoon says “I’m not rising”. Badly sung anthems make Monsoon impotent? Who knew?

-After a weird edit, we jump to The Barbarian vs. Tito Santana. That’s the problem with this era. A lot of matches in this time period seem to be just thrown together. Not only would most fans not spend $50 on this show in 2010, they wouldn’t have enough energy to download the torrent.

-Nice of Tito to get the “I’m totally jobbing, but here’s some encouraging words anyway” promo.

-If Piper’s antics weren’t enough, here’s some dysentery jokes from Ventura regarding Santana’s cooking. Coming soon: Vince gives a spear to Tony Atlas and tells him to get in touch with his roots! Wait, he did that?

-Barbarian avoids being pinned after Heenan places his foot on the rope following the flying forearm, and then Barbarian wins with a WICKED flying clothesline. Crowd dug that finish. Still, too short to really be of worth.

-Next, it’s the first intergender match in WrestleMania history, as Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire take on Macho King Randy Savage and Queen Sherri. Savage and Sherri get a cool entrance with an elevated ring cart to simulate a throne. Sherri looks awesome in her Queen of Hearts outfit, but still, why am I even bothering with this match?

-OOOH YEAH, ELIZABETH IS HERE! Umm, you may be noticing a trend about me…..

-To the fan who brought the “Sapphire is a gem” sign, how many cats DO you live with? 15? 37? This is sad. Savage and Liz are both here and I’m not even enthused. I mean, I know Sapphire was brought in as a way of burying Dusty and killing his spirit, but why should we have to be punished? No wonder we grew up to be so cynical.

-Sapphire’s definitely putting Jenna Morasca to shame, and that’s saying something. Savage and Sherri are bumping for 12 in there, and it looks like they’re having fun, so that’s a plus. I guess.

-Savage is dishing out Ax Handles like they’re going out of style. Can’t pin Rhodes with em though, because you’re talking about a guy who blades like it’s going out of style. Irresistible force, immovable object, etc.

-To hear Jesse go back and forth with the rules in this match, you see why politics came naturally to him.

-STUNNER BY SAPPHIRE OFF OF DUSTY’S SHOULDERS! WORKRATE!

-Sapphire pins Sherri after Liz shoves the Queen into a low bridge tactic. I admit, it wasn’t as bad as I remembered it being. I’m getting soft in my old age. By the time we get to WrestleMania XV, I might be too kind to properly condemn Russo……..naaaah.

-Mmm, Liz dancing and shaking her butt. Sorry.

-Bobby Heenan cuts an irate promo over Andre’s turn, which is weird because he seemed normal during Barbarian’s match earlier. That’s like a TNA production gaffe. Rest assured, Vince had a serious talk with Kevin Dunn and the henchmen after that one.

-Rona Barrett reveals that she has tried to get some inside dirt on WWF’s superstars, but it was hard because “they have such clean images”. Heh, imagine that. She does, however, reveal that she has some X-rated video of Jesse Ventura, and Jesse immediately throws it to the next segment. Monsoon saying “I wanna see the footage!” with a serious expression is just one of those priceless moments.

-Savage rants angrily. While wearing his crown. Total pro.

-What’s up with the weird edits on this show? It’s like they’re trying to hide something. You know, like an advertisement for an outdoor PPV that would hypothetically draw 100,000 fans, only to later have to change the venue because they’d booked the main event scene into oblivion. Of course, that’s just one theory.

-Meanwhile, Hogan tells Warrior that he can save him. He’s CM Hulk!

-Warrior cuts an equally rambling response. Would anyone object to Orton and Cena giving up their robotic delivery to cut nonsensical rants on each other? It’s fine with me.

-Rockers vs. Orient Express follows the lengthy break. Just to show that it’s 1990, we get a shot of a chick in a half-beater and Ally Sheedy mop in the crowd for when the Rockers make their entrance. It’s like the WWF WANTED you to know who the ring rats were there for.

-Finally, some fast paced action, as The Rockers showcase their in-sync double teams, including a double plancha. Then Marty does an awesome sell of Sato shoving him into the post. Monsoon says Shawn’s not even going over to help Marty because “he knows what his partner’s capable of”. Or maybe he was busy looking for Ally Sheedy in the third row and not paying attention.

-Tatanka with a great hesitation turning forearm smash. Think, if Tanaka was just ten years younger, he’d get the enviable chance to play Kung Fu Tanaka on Smackdown. Shame that he missed out.

-Hot tag to Marty and the crowd is still into it, despite being over 2 hours into the show. Eat it, Atlantic City. Marty gets blinded by Sato with salt, and then Jannetty stumbles over the rail in pain, taking the count out loss. The fans are so sympathetic that they take pictures of him as he lays prone. Nice of them. Well, Shawn Michaels is now 0-2 at the big event. MR. WrestleMania!

-Meanwhile, Steve Allen shoots on Rhythm and Blues. Because he can.

-Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Dino Bravo are here to waste time. Bravo has Earthquake in his corner, and Monsoon says this can’t be because he has no manager’s license: “Because he’s a wrestler, and you can’t hold both licenses”. Man, the Attitude Era would go on to make Gino look dumb, wouldn’t they?

-Duggan tries starting a “USA” chant in Toronto. No one ever called him a genius, ya know.

-I finally figured out why I don’t like Dino Bravo. He’s like a hybrid of Bruce Hart and Chris Masters, except even blander. Crowd’s into it mostly, but you can sense that they’re just waiting for the main event to get here. Makes me glad that they staggered things out in later years to have more epic feuds and such.

-Hacksaw pulls a Cena and overcomes three on one odds to defeat Bravo. BASIC DUGGANOMICS! WORD LIFE! Earthquake beats Duggan down afterward, to amuse xenophobic Canadians everywhere. Monsoon gives me a cheap laugh by announcing one of Earthquake’s sitdown splashes on Duggan as a replay, when it was actually Quake hitting the move in real time.

-Footage of the Ted Dibiase-Jake Roberts feud and what led them to the first televised defense of the Million Dollar Title. So there’s definitely some history here. Am I the only one who thinks the belt looks better than Cena’s spinner title? I can’t be the only one. Also, the debut of Dibiase’s Million Dollar Rap, so it’s good stuff all around.

-Meanwhile, Jake cuts a classic psychological promo, promising that he will ironically make Dibiase beg for his own money. Great stuff, and a bigger shame when you see what Jake fell to.

-Typical “good match” for Jake, which features heavy psychology, but can be really slow. I’ll bet that Jake learned how to use psychology just so he won’t have to work a fast pace. It’s hard to to go breakneck speed when you’re loaded on Old Milwaukee, you know.

-The pace dies off, and the fans commemorate this occasion by doing the wave. Fans should start doing the wave whenever Drew McIntyre makes his entrance. That’ll teach that overgrown Noah Wyle to take menacing babysteps to the ring all the time.

-The wave seems to have woken the crowd up, and are firmly behind Jake. Unfortunately, they squander that heat with a countout win for Dibiase. Then for fun, Jake beats up Dibiase and gives some of Dibiase’s money to the ringsiders , including Mary Tyler Moore. It’s like Million Dollar Mania, except Jake is less senile than Vince McMahon. You think I’m kidding?

-Slick promo. Justin’s happy.

-Big Bossman and Akeem is next. Despite Dibiase attacking Bossman before the match, the prison guard finishes off The White Man Gang in about a minute and a half. Well, so much for that.

-To sum up the next fifteen minutes: Mary Tyler Moore spurns Sean Mooney’s advances, DDP makes his WWF debut albeit obscurely, Rhythm and Blues sing a crappy song, The Bushwhackers impersonate The Who, and Howard Finkel announces the attendance. It’s like the plot of a David Lynch movie, except without a midget serving pancakes to a rodeo clown.

-Jimmy Snuka and Rick Rude provide the final fodder before the main event, and Steve Allen joins on commentary to talk about how ugly Jimmy Snuka is. Careful, Steve. There’s no telling what Snuka can do when his mind is impaired.

-I don’t want to see Snuka do the hip swivel ever again. Speaking of TMI, did you know that Steve Allen’s wife wears Snuka’s tights as underwear? Hey, he said it, not me.

-Rude Awakening ends it. I like Rude, but let’s get to the mainer already.

-Hogan-Warrior highlight package. I remember vividly, twenty years ago, that Josh was firmly behind Hogan and I behind Warrior, and how excited we both were for the match. I also remember Josh taking his shower during Rhythm and Blues’ mini concert, so I also remember Josh being smarter than me.

-Warrior runs the length of the aisle instead of taking the cart. Idiot. Hogan waves off the cart as well, walking though instead of running. The fans are 50/50 here and that made for a crazy good dynamic. God, I feel like I’m six years old all over again. I remembered thinking how weird it would be if Hogan had the IC Title. Even when I was six, I was savvy enough to find plot holes in certain aspects of the booking.

-Shovefest to start, which also reveals crowd sensibilities. Warrior has the fan’s edge, because he’s the fresher name and fans want to see somebody new take the crown. Then they go into the test of strength and the fans are INTO it. Hogan drops to his knees and the collective gasp of shock is incredible. Then Hogan reverses it, dropping Warrior to HIS knees, and the crowd eats that up as well. Never before has an immobile rest hold been so enjoyed by a crowd.

-Criss cross, Hogan slam, Warrior no sell, criss cross, Warrior slam, Hogan’s in pain. Ooooh man. Then Hogan gets clotheslined out, hurting his knee. THE TITLE IS IN JEOPARDY!

-As a change of pace from last year, Ventura’s behaving himself and not slagging Hogan for having the audacity to make everyone rich. Good boy, Jesse. There’s hope for you yet.

-It gets dirty as Hogan and Warrior go to eye gouges and chokes to show the heightened level of tension that can only come from a title for title match.

-Warrior is getting weakened from Hogan punches, slams, and elbows, and manages to kick out on two. Then Hogan goes to a small package(!!!) to get another two. See? Hogan could dominate Ring of Honor if he wanted to.

-Hogan even busts out a backbreaker, and then a chinlock with added knees to the back. Weird seeing Hogan do the work in the heat segment. Even as a kid, I recognized that Hogan would take the beating and come back from it, so this was practically a revelation for six year old Justin.

-Crowd is still divided. No true face and no true heel. And the crowd “ahhhhs” at the double clothesline. The threat of a double count out is teased. But a Canadian PPV can’t end with Hebner making a questionable decision, can it?

-Warrior’s getting his second and third wind combined, no selling Hogan and and destroying him with clotheslines. Hogan collapses at the feet of Warrior, as you can sense that the Hulkster has met his match.

-Warrior goes into a bear hug, and the crowd doesn’t even deflate. When a match is as epic in feel as this, even the rest holds can’t kill the crowd.

-REF BUMP! In the pre-Russo era, when the ref got bumped, it was shocking and special. Damn you, Russo. Warrior lands some ax handles as Hogan is in deep trouble. But yet, he counters the shoulder block by slamming Warrior head first into the mat. Nobody to count however. Warrior then gets a back suplex, and there’s still no Hebner. It’s hair-tearing tension here. Hebner alive….BUT COUNTS TWO. Hogan gets a roll up….FOR TWO. I’ve seen this match hundreds of times and I’m still full of adrenaline.

-Warrior gets the gorilla press and big splash…FOR TWO. Hogan hulks up! 3 punches! Big boot! LEG DROP MISSES! WARRIOR WITH THE BIG SPLASH AND HE PINS HIM! WARRIOR BEATS HOGAN!

-Errmm, sorry, freakout moment.

-GREAT match, and proof positive that airtight booking between two larger-than-life stars can yield great results. Hogan hands over the title and puts Warrior over to the crowd. Sadly, we never got a rematch. Unless you count that abomination in WCW. Vince was NUTS for not doing the rematch at WrestleMania VII.

-CYNIC SAYS: It was like WrestleMania V in that it was a mostly dead undercard, but the crowd made it special and fun. Plus, it was the first WrestleMania of my childhood, so I may be a wee bit biased toward it.

If you’ve never seen it, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

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-Couch, Olevia, iced tea, copy of show. Anything missing? Oh, right, throw pillow. Back’s a little sore from carrying the burdens of WrestleMania IV. I was about five minutes away from calling Dr. Phil Astin and asking for something to help me bounce back.

-So It’s April 2, 1989, and we’ve returned to the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, NJ. Did Vince develop some kind of gambling addiction from IV? The celebrities at this show should have been Pete Rose, Art Schichter, and Rick Tocchet.

-Monsoon and Ventura welcome us to the show, albeit informally, as we rush into America the Beautiful, as sung by at-the-time Women’s Champion Rockin’ Robin. Let’s just say that there’s a reason that she was never asked to do it again. There hasn’t been a single good rendition done by a white person thus far through five WrestleManias. On an unrelated note, did you know that Robin’s brother is Jake Roberts? That explains a couple of things.

-Also of note, apparently a young Lance Storm was in the crowd. I’ll do my best to look for him, since it’s the most airtime he’d ever see at WrestleMania.

-#5 for Finkel. Moving on.

-Up first , Hercules takes on King Haku. Haku is brought to the ring on a portable throne (not like a port-o-potty), carried by some barely pubescent ring boys, and led by road agent Terry Garvin. If you’ve never read “Sex, Lies, and Headlocks”, then you’ll never know why this situation is hilarious to me.

-The loose storyline here is that Bobby Heenan had once sold Hercules’ contract to Ted DiBiase, who proceeded to make Herc into a “slave”. So instead of facing DiBiase, Herc faces Haku, who is managed by Heenan. There’s no word on how Herc got himself “emancipated”. Maybe Jack Tunney freed him. Then that would mean that somebody would have to assassinate Tunney at the theater where “No Holds Barred” played, so….oh, forget it.

-Just a typical “power brawler” match, but Haku hits the greatest back breaker EVER at one point. Then he follows with one that may be one of the worst ever. See, Haku’s so awesome that he can hit both ends of any spectrum.

-I think we’re about due for another barefoot wrestler, now that I think of it. This needs to cross over into other sports. What could be more intimidating than an NFL lineman with no cleats? Nothing.

-Hercules scores the pin with a back suplex hold, and Haku becomes the first man in history to not raise the shoulder and get the pin himself. See? Haku’s a worker in flux. He does things you’d never expect, and he can also kill you with one hand. Sort of like an artistic illusionist from Hell.

-Jesse notes that it’s a “big win for the slave”. This is narrowly edged in insensitivity by the time that Roddy Piper and Bob Orton whipped Mr. T with a belt, and Ventura said that it was like “watching Roots 2″. Did any of his campaign contributions come from Robert Byrd?

-The Rockers get some interview time before their match with the Twin Towers, and Shawn’s sounding a little raspy there. The Atlantic City nightlife will do that to ya. By the way, as non-religious as I am, I would love to be present for when Shawn meets Saint Peter and Peter says “Yeah, you get into Heaven, but first we’re going to watch the tape of your life once God gets over here”. At the very least, I sense Shawn’s going to be twitching a lot.

-I’ll say it every time that I hear it: Jive Soul Bro makes me happy.

-So it’s the Rockers vs. the Towers in your classic underdog/big bully contest. Big Bossman is way overweight here, but not compared to Akeem, the former One Man Gang, whose gimmick is that he converted to being “black”. If Shawn and Vince die on the same day, Saint Peter can sit both of them down and have a double feature! Some parts will even intersect, and they can save time! But still, what are the odds, right?

-Shawn is just carrying the pace of this match, working quickly despite being hungover. I guess that was the big knock on Marty Jannetty. He could only work “decently” when he was hammered. Would you have ever guessed that ten years later, Bossman and Shawn would be allies in Vince McMahon’s corporation?

-Great moment alert: Slick, at ringside, gets annoyed with referee Joey Marella and yells “What we need is a black referee!” and causes Ventura to emit a stifled laugh under his breath. Wrestling was better when it wasn’t over scripted.

-Another great moment alert: The Rockers are double teaming Akeem and Ventura complains that the referee is doing nothing about it. Monsoon, always one to defend babyfaces no matter what, counters that perhaps Marella is checking to see where the Bossman was, when in fact Marella is standing there, watching the Rockers theoretically cheat. At least when Monsoon made an asinine statement, there was some modicum of comedic value. When Michael Cole does it, he’s just a colossal tool.

-After Akeem murders Shawn with a clothesline, we go into the finishing sequence that sees Shawn pinned with the 747 splash. Undertaker has a streak of wins, but Shawn has a streak of slugs that he’s made look good at WrestleMania. Next year: watch as Akio Sato doesn’t look out of place, thanks to the impeccable timing and ring generalship of the Heartbreak Kid!

-Poor Ted DiBiase. From the World Title finals to facing Brutus Beefcake in meaningless filler. I know wrestlers less interesting and less engaging who are given many bigger roles than this. Some of them are Ted’s own relatives.

-So DiBiase and Beefcake are stringing together a good exhibition of face and heel moves, but what’s the point? There’s zero storyline, and the crowd’s made up of suit wearing morons who are just there to be seen. Maybe Lance Storm can carry the crowd to a ***1/2 cheering performance.

-You know what would save this match? A double count out? I was just kidding, but the booking wasn’t. So we have no winner, and Beefcake goes after both men with his giant hedge clippers. Monsoon sees nothing wrong with this, calling it “extra curricular activities”. Monsoon also thinks that getting busted with cocaine at a Boston subway station is a “welcome diversion”.

-Earlier today, the Bushwhackers are interviewed during brunch with a sizable crowd gathered to watch them make pigs of themselves. Bad as that sounds, it’s sad that that’s more fans than AWA could draw at the end.

-Man, the Bushwhackers had the best fans: they would dress in their most slovenly attire and do the “arm bounce” dance while licking each other. Luke and Butch missed their calling as cult leaders.

-How bad is the match between the Bushwhackers and Fabulous Rougeau Brothers? Monsoon and Ventura actually have a debate about immigration. Talk about cutting edge! I hope Linda McMahon’s cribbing notes from this telecast. Benoit’s not on the show, so I’m sure the tape won’t be hard to find in Vince’s library. I just hope it’s not stuck against the inexplicably-sticky WBF tapes. Wait….ewww….

-While I appreciate Jacques and Raymond’s dorky heel mannerisms, it’s not enough to save things as the Whackers win in an awkward finish. Speaking of awkward, the winners lick Sean Mooney afterward, which I’m sure goes a long way in explaining why jumping to a Queens, NY news station a few years later wasn’t that hard of a decision for Mooney.

-”Mr. Perfect looks perfect!” exclaims Monsoon. Then Perfect stumbles during his entrance. Priceless.

-Mr. Perfect vs. the Slammy Award Winning Blue Blazer, aka Owen Hart. Creepy, isn’t it? Owen’s dead, having died in basically the same costume ten years later. Perfect’s dead, dying in 2003 of an overdose. And referee Tim White committed suicide at Armaged—wait, that was a storyline?

-In few words, best match of the night so far. Perfect gives Blazer plenty of offense, and Owen works in some nifty suplexes and pinning attempts. Perfect, however, was just on top of his game, knowing when to let the babyface dominate, and then knowing when to regain control himself, and look like an athletic God in doing so. If Jack Swagger didn’t come off as such an inbred yokel, he could do this gimmick just as well and ride it to the top.

-You know you’re a worthwhile wrestler when you’re working as a babyface and Jesse Ventura can’t even slag you. He hasn’t said one bad word about Owen during the entire bout. Come to think of it, he seemed to love the Hart Foundation, even as faces. Geez, Jesse, how bad DID Stu stretch you out?

-Perfect ends it with the Perfect-Plex. Stellar match, if short. Miss both men immensely. Sigh.

-Speaking of Ventura, here he is to wake the crowd up by posing. Posing….to AWAKEN the fans. Chris Masters, you’re doing it wrong.

-Earlier in the day, Mr. Fuji competed in WWF’s 5K run on the AC boardwalk. Can you imagine them trying this now? Who would compete in it? Not to slag WWE’s fanbase, but can the majority of them run up the street, let alone 5K? I’d give it a shot, provided that I get to wear Fuji’s Oddjob attire.

-More non-wrestling, except it’s Run DMC performing the “WrestleMania Rap”. I look forward twenty years from now to Kid Rock performing the “WrestleMania Crap”.

-So the WWF World Tag Team Titles are on the line in a 3 on 2 handicap match, as Demolition defend against the Powers of Pain and Mr Fuji. Fuji turned on the Demos, because um….he wanted to? Look, the man starred in Fuji Bandito! HE HAS IMMUNITY FROM EXPLAINING HIS NONSENSICAL ACTIONS! YOU HEAR ME? IMMUNITY!

-Speaking of immune, the Demos seem to be immune from getting this crowd to care. Maybe the 5K run sapped the fans’ energy. I mean watching it, not participating in it. It’s New Jersey, afterall.

-The heat segment, hypothetically, is supposed to be some unfair triple teams on Ax, but, given that the fans are as clueless as Jeremy Piven, the work is met with total silence. Let’s fast forward to the finish!

-Brrrrzzzzzttttbrzflfubflubflubflub DECAPITATION AND THE DEMOS OVERCOME THE ODDS! That was fun.

-Backstage, Macho Man Randy Savage screams at no one in particular and yells at an invisible Hogan. Then he asked the production crew if they were ready for him to “get into character”. Okay, I made the last part up, but you know that it’s within the realm of possibility.

-How far are Dino Bravo and Ronnie Garvin down on the WWF food chain? Jimmy Snuka made his return after a four year absence while both men stood in the ring, waiting to begin their match. It got a lukewarm reaction as well. In related news, it’s been 20 years since a WWFE PPV has been held in New Jersey, save for the Meadowlands. Thanks a lot, you silent heathens.

-Bravo wins in about 3 minutes with the side suplex. I didn’t leave out any major details, trust me. Oh, except for the crowd chanting “USA!” to show solidarity against Bravo. I’m sure Montreal native Ronnie Garvin was energized by the support of the fans.

-Why did Vince even sign the Brain Busters, Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard? You know, other than to screw with NWA? Actually, never mind. They’re facing Strike Force, who need a boost of momentum after losing the tag belts one year earlier, Martel getting hurt, a lack of crowd reaction, the fact that they still have the cheesy Kenny Loggins-style music….actually, they need a lot right about now.

-At least this should be spirited. All four men are fine wrestlers, and, go figure, the wrestling is supreme. The only times Arn Anderson has had a bad match, the words “Renegade” and “Roma” would complete the sentence.

-Martel with a nice counter of Arn’s body scissors into the Boston Crab. Too bad that every time I see Martel in this era, I get the theme to Charles in Charge in my head. Force manages a pair of Figure Fours on the Busters and the crowd seems to be in awe. Wrest-ling?

-And now the story, as Santana overshoots a flying forearm and knocks Martel to the floor. This leads to Martel turning on Santana, kicking off a moderate heel run. Easiest way to get Rick to turn on you is say “My name is Tom Zenk and I won’t re-sign my deal for just any amount of money.”

-So Martel walks off and Santana eats the Spike-Driver to give the Busters the win. Well, it woke me up.

-Ooops, it’s nap time again, as it’s the dreaded “Piper’s Pit” segment with a returning Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brother Love, and 1980’s TV host Morton Downey Jr, who is a cross between Glenn Beck and Jerry Springer. It runs 20 minutes and it ends with Downey taking a fire extinguisher to the face. This is one of those segments that makes you envy the truly vegetative. It was such a boring and heat less segment, that you just know that it had a profound effect on Lance Storm’s life.

-I believe that this was the beginning of the end of Piper’s “cool factor”, as he had degenerated into a disturbed self-parody from here, save for a few shining moments here and there. Piper went away for 2 years and came back a far different man. Ever see the movie The Astronaut’s Wife, where Johnny Depp is in space and loses contact with mission control for a couple minutes and then, after they recontact him, he seems a little bit off? Yeah, I never saw it either.

-Mega Powers video package, to remind you why you ordered the show in the first place.

-Now for a Hogan promo, where he claims Savage tried to put Elizabeth between them. Well, that certainly lends credence to Monsoon’s “What a threesome!” comment.

-Back to actual wrestling, also in the loosest sense of the word, as we have Jake Roberts taking on Andre the Giant, with Big John Studd as the guest referee. You know you’re in New Jersey when there’s a woman with mall hair dancing in the crowd to Studd’s music with an inebriated grin. I wonder where she dances at these days?

-Andre attacks early, ramming Roberts into a turnbuckle with no padding, leading Ventura and Monsoon to demand to know where the pad went. My guess: Pete Rose stole it, got Hogan and Savage to autograph it, and sold it to some mark out front just so he can build his credit line. Gambling is such a disease.

-Andre’s slothish offense is actually bringing the crowd to life. Then he gets his arms tied in the ropes. That’s the first time that’s ever happened to Andre, I’m certain.

-Studd gives Andre the business for not letting Jake back inside the ring, leading to the two men getting into it, while Ted DiBiase steals the bag with Damian, and Jake Roberts gives chase. Finally, Roberts chases Andre off with the snake (after regaining it) and gets the DQ win, after Andre attacked Studd. If this paragraph confuses you, then imagine being Monsoon and Ventura, who can’t figure out the actual reason Andre was DQed (the fact that he attacked the referee). It’s like a convoluted plot for the OC, except Andre can not only hold his liquor better than Mischa Barton, but he probably smells better too.

Fan interviewed by Mooney: “JAKE’S THE BEST, JAKE’S THE BEST, JAKE’S THE BEST!”. He’s pretty enthusiastic for being Jake’s hook-up.

-Sherri cuts a quick promo, where she rips Rockin’ Robin’s singing. Sherri would go on to sing Shawn Michaels’ theme music 3 years later. Yep.

-The Hart Foundation vs. Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine looks to be a saving grace. It’s funny that in Bret’s book, he criticizes Honky’s abilities, saying his strikes “couldn’t break an egg”. Nowadays, Bret swings at Vince McMahon with no percision or coordination. So in other words, Honky Tonk Man wrestles like a stroke victim. Certainly adds new perspective.

-As Honky and the Hammer work over Bret, Ventura and Monsoon discuss Honky’s IC Title reign, where Gorilla mentions that he had the gold longer than Pat Patterson, and Jesse adds “No kidding, what a relic he was”. Easy there, Jesse, or Pat won’t let you share his haberdasher anymore.

-For those that say that Neidhart was just a slug who was carried by Bret, watch him lay down some dropkicks and then make your claim again. Plus, he had wide hips, and that bade well for his daughter. Wide hips on a girl? Gooooooooood.

-A megaphone shot ends it, as Bret whacks Honky across the….arm? That’s a pretty lethal swing. Maybe Congress should step in and investigate bicep concussions in wrestling.

-Finally, a notable match, as The Ultimate Warrior defends the IC title against Ravishing Rick Rude. The whole deal started when Rude jumped Warrior as the two men were having a posedown at the 1989 Royal Rumble. That’s what we need more of on PPV, pose downs. There’s your replacement for Survivor Series: Super-Flex! A night of posedowns! Think of the celebrities you could have on hand: Mark McGwire, Floyd Landis, Roger Clemens, that uhh….chick from East Germany who became a dude….

-Of note: As Rude comes out, a semi-hot babe in the crowd with the GREATEST mall hair ever. Mall hair can’t be taught. Either you have it, or you don’t. I hope the cameras find Lance Storm. Can you imagine a mall perm with a widow’s peak and a rat tail in back? Lance wouldn’t have even needed to cut promos with that hair; he could have gotten over on his appearance alone. Like an out of touch Goldberg.

-Funny bit to open the match, as Rude tries to jump Warrior beforehand with a kneelift and ends up smashing his knee into the IC Title around his waist. As tough as Rude was, he still had no problem playing a fool in the ring. Just don’t confuse character Rude with out-of-character Rude. PN News did and he still can’t see straight.

-When does Rick Rude EVER hit a missle dropkick? He did here. Great back and forth stuff.

-Monsoon gets testy because Heenan has his hands in his jacket pockets, believing that he may be going for a weapon. Ventura tries to downplay it, saying he’s just counting his chips. Monsoon wants to know if Heenan thinks there’s a coke machine at ringside. Now THERE’S a funny concept: a tag team loses a match because the partner on the apron went to get a Sprite, and his buddy couldn’t tag out and thus fell victim to the finish.

-Rude takes over, but can’t swivel his hips due to the pain inflicted upon him. We need more comedic selling in wrestling, especially when it ties into the psychology. Fans notice these things. If you notice, the crowd’s actually alive for this one.

-Rude gets the tainted pin after Heenan hooks Warrior’s foot during a suplex attempt, and Ravishing Rick gets his only WWF gold. A time traveling smark went back to 1989 and watched this match, saying this: “So Rude, the better wrestler, has to have his manager help him beat a muscle head with 2 moves? Afterward, they don’t even let Rude celebrate because the focus is on Warrior!”. Don’t worry, I just gave him two bags of Smartfood white cheddar popcorn, so that should hold him for 20 minutes.

-Ventura on Heenan’s cheating: “Vintage Heenan!”. Dammit, Jesse, you just gave Cole carte blanche!

-Just to drag this show out some more, here’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Bad News Brown in a battle of “Two men who haven’t had a great match since at least 1986″. It’s just strictly fodder, though Duggan yelling “GET OFF MY @$$” to Tim White livens the fans a bit. Just slightly. Lance is in the crowd thinking “You know, wait ten years, and this guy won’t be chanting USA anymore. He’ll convert to being Canadian and we’ll dominate a dying promotion! All 27 people watching will hate us!”

-Ventura says “If either man tries a hold, they might win it”. Sage advice. Sadly, a chair and 2X4 get involved and it’s a double DQ. Then we get the infamous image of Duggan’s snot-riddled mustache. Classy.

-Red Rooster promo. Terry Taylor was the Chris Harris of his era: decent wrestler, bad gimmick, laughingstock of the biz, but nobody feels bad.

-Rooster vs. Bobby Heenan and it’s over in 30 seconds as Rooster wins. Heenan had the Brooklyn Brawler with him, which is more Mania airtime than Lance Storm ever had. And thus brings “Let’s make fun of Lance Storm for being bland and underutilized” time to an end. On an up note, Rooster’s undefeated at WrestleMania, much like Undertaker. You can see the similarities.

-And now, the big finish.

-Mmm….Elizabeth. She’s so cute when she’s concerned.

-Why does Savage have to make his entrance first? He’s the champ! Stupid face/heel designations. Liz is out second to zero pop. Did watching the 5K kill everyone’s libido?

-There’s a recurring theme through this match that I will address here, rather than keep coming back to it: Although Jesse Ventura plays a devil’s advocate heel who points out babyface hypocrisy and praises the villains, he REALLY goes out of his way to slag Hogan in this match, going far beyond any burial job that he’s ever done. In his book “I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed”, Ventura was appalled that Hogan was paid over a million dollars for this show. To this I say: if Hogan wasn’t on this show, and had never worked in wrestling, then NO ONE would know who Jesse Ventura is. Hogan, while a politician with a massive ego, made everyone richer just by being there. Ventura needs to shut up once in a while and realize that his fame came vicariously through the very man he’s clearly jealous of. Ventura’s my favorite color commentator of all time, but, seriously, he needs to shut the Hell up.

-Lemme climb off my high horse now….

-Both men have worked this crowd into a frenzy with the “cat and mouse” game as Jesse calls it. GREAT heat spot as Savage pulls the neutral Liz in his way of a potential Hogan punch. Only months earlier, he was a virtuous and hard working hero who had the fans screaming for him. Is there anyone who can seamlessly play hero and villain like him? I think not.

-The one-upsmanship leads to Hogan getting busted open, and Savage using little heel tricks like going to the eyes and choking him with wrist tape to keep the advantage. Savage was the first opponent outside of Andre that made you think that he had a legit chance of beating the Hulkster.

-In a moment made famous by the old WWF WrestleMania NES commercial, Hogan bodyslams Savage over the top and the brawl continues outside, leading to Liz getting emotionally involved, and ultimately ejected. This is the first match of the night that really feels like it’s between two men who hate each other, and want each other dead. It’s probably not far off, either.

-Savage lands the Savage Elbow and gets 2 off of it, and this, of course, leads to the Hogan finish and his second World Title. GREAT match, and an all time favorite of mine, even though I’m a Savage loyalist. Great end to a dragging show.

-CYNIC SAYS: Going through Hell to get to Heaven. WrestleMania V sapped my energy, though many matches were “solid”, though it was the main event that made it all worthwhile. Soon, Vince cut back on the matches and length, for the better of course. But still, check out the two singles titles matches if you want to see some classics.

Coming soon: a whole new decade.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

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