-What I wouldn’t give to relive the WWE WrestleMania 19  era. I was 19 years old and making insane money delivering pizza for just 25 hours a week. Seriously, the tips I made were great, given I live in the midst of middle class suburbia. I had few bills, not a care in the world, free from the restraints of school, yada yada. The only thing missing was a quality WWE product. At this point, you had a better chance of getting chlamydia from Paula Deen than getting three straight good weeks of Monday Night Raw.

-Speaking  of the promotion, it was March 30, 2003, and we go way out to the land of Wozniak, Seattle, WA, in the confines of Safeco Field. This is the first time that we have two commentary teams covering WrestleMania, with Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler handling Raw duties, and Michael Cole and Tazz overseeing the Smackdown side of things. Would you believe that in 2002 and 2003, the voters for the annual RSPW Awards declared Cole to be a better play by play man than JR? I swear this happened. Of course, JR was a bitter shell at this point, taking pot shots at heels he didn’t care about, and was generally miserable after the talent relations job he held was usurpsed by Johnny Ace. If you wanna see how bad JR could get, just wait until later in this show.

-Ashanti performs America the Beautiful, and we never heard from her again. Also, on the pre-show, Rob Van Dam and Kane failed to win the World Tag Team Titles from Chief Morley and some guy whose name escapes me. If he was important, I’m sure I’d remember it.

-Quick note: for this show, my brother Josh invited over some kid he worked with who may or may not have been homeless. It bears no relevance otherwise, but it’s my rant, so there you go.

-By the way, I can stop typing WWF now. This should get the pandas off my lawn.

-To kick things off, Matt Hardy Version 1.0 defends the WWE Cruiserweight Title against Rey Mysterio. Mysterio’s superhero motif du jour: Daredevil. How it reminds me of 2003. How it reminds of Ben Affleck. How it reminds me of Gigli. Damn it, Rey.

-Mysterio lands a nice twisting plancha to take out both Matt and Shannon Moore. Always good to see the Filthy Animals and 3 Count go at it. It’s like the Hatfields and McCoys for the twelve people that watched WCW at the end.

-Moore’s sycophantic interference was hilarious. Hell, Matt’s entire V1 shtick was amazing before he became a deranged self parody and gained 50 pounds after Lita cheated on him. Hey, Matt: you had six or seven years to put a ring on her finger. You didn’t do it. Besides, given that her sexual history could fill the book of Genesis, consider yourself a survivor.

-It’s funny: at this point, I really liked both performers. Though when one becomes a deluded emo crybaby, and the other endlessly promotes his dead friend for sympathy, that tends to come to a screeching halt.

-Rey hits the 619 and tries to drop the dime, but misses. A victory roll attempt by the challenger leads to a Matt drop down and rope pull for the cheap win. Way too short, but fun while it lasted. The two would have a much better match two months later on Smackdown where Rey finally got the belt. Anyone else miss Smackdown in the era when the great workers got time to work, and the whacky characters got equal time to balance the card? I know I do.

-And now for a handicap match, since those never get old. Undertaker puts his streak on the line against Big Show and A-Train, or as I call them: “Fat Albert”. This was supposed to be a tag team match with Taker teaming with Australian muscleman Nathan Jones, but Jones was unable to wrestle. Actually, that WAS the reason he was pulled: because he couldn’t wrestle. The man had the coordination skills of Stephen Hawking doing a downhill slalom.

-Limp Bizkit performs “Rollin” to bring Taker out. Taker even hugs Fred Durst. When would THAT ever happen if neither man was famous? Can you imagine Johnny Cash posing for a picture with the Icy Hot Stuntaz?

-Here’s food for thought: given all of the start-stop pushes that Show and Train have had over the years, especially in this time period, wouldn’t we be more apt to take them seriously if they dominated Taker? I mean, two big men beating up Undertaker doesn’t hurt anyone, and all three men get some measure of cred from it. So, of course, Taker dominates from the outset. So much for taking their pushes seriously.

-Taker with a fujiwara armbar for Show and another armbar for Train. This is like a production of Hamlet being performed by the special needs class. Show and Train are just stumbling around for Taker, who had lost his mystique by reverting to his biker gimmick. So it’s no fun for anyone.

-After ten minutes of boring tripe, Nathan Jones hits the ring and knocks Show out with a spinning heel kick in the aisle. Then he gets Train with a running foot inside the ring, which sets up the Dead Man’s Tombstone, pushing the streak to 11-0. Bad match, but thankfully the worst we’ll see tonight. You know, if WWE was so serious about getting Show or Train to main event status, why not have one of them pin Taker and wreck the streak? They’d be a heel for life, and always have something to hang their hat on. Alas.

-Stacy Keibler, Torrie Wilson, and the Miller Lite catfight girls have a pow-wow. If you can name both of those latter ladies without consulting Wikipedia, then you’re probably not welcome near school bus stops.

-Up next, the WWE Women’s Title is up for grabs, as Victoria defends the gold against Trish Stratus and Jazz. This match is an upgrade over last year in terms of placement, workmanship (Trish was much improved), and participants. I’ll take Victoria over Lita any day. Man I miss that TATU music and crazy titan tron. Hey Vince, Victoria’s now 39 years old and is still one of the hottest women in wrestling. I don’t care about Kelly Kelly, give me crazy Victoria please. Oh, wait, TNA has her. Well, that’s one area that the Orlandophiles win at.

-I miss Jazz too. She was like Stone Cold. Except black. And female. Ok, so she was the female Bad News Brown. She just wails away on everyone in sight, which is more fun than “faces don’t attack other faces”. I remember when Victoria turned face over a year after this and she saved Stacy from elimination during the Taboo Tuesday battle royal. Disgusting.

-Jazz putting Trish into an STF = hot. I need to stop watching prison movies.

-Trish cradles Victoria and pulls down the back of her tights, exposing her crack to the world. Let’s hear it for DVD freeze frame! Speaking of pervy, I think we can all agree that the only reason Jazz ever did that double chicken wing move to Trish was to make her chest stick out and the fans could pop. Classy.

-With Jazz out on the floor, Trish avoids interference from Steven Richards (Victoria’s henchman/boyfriend/pet) and knocks out Victoria with the Chick Kick to win the title. Good, compressed match that livened things up after the hossfest bored everyone. It takes a lot to cheer people from Seattle up, so good on the ladies. Though if Seattle was rooting for Victoria, we’d have to hear years and years of complaining about the officiating. Damn Seahawks fans.

-Rock is backstage with Coachman, and Mr. Dwayne Johnson is so disillusioned with the fans these days that he can’t even properly abuse Coach like he used to. Way to drain the life from my hero, guys. But he WILL beat Stone Cold tonight. We’re all rooting for ya, Rock! Especially Debra.

-And now WWE will let some of the tag teams get air time, as The World’s Greatest Tag Team defends the WWE Tag Team Titles against Los Guerreros and Murder Horn (Chris Benoit and Rhyno). If TNA sticks six men with talent all in the same match, they get lambasted for squandering good wrestlers. Just saying.

-Benoit blisters Eddie with chops. In 2003, they met in a meaningless undercard showcase. In 2004, they ended the show with a surreal celebration. In 2008, neither of them was there because they were both dead. Sigh.

-The main issue I have with this match is that….there IS no issue. Haas and Benjamin were largely goons for Kurt Angle who became tag champs due to crowd heat osmosis, and they have no real character qualities except for “We do Kurt Angle’s bidding”. The Guerreros are known for being chronic cheaters with a penchant for partying, but you don’t see that. Benoit and Rhyno are intense competitors and it makes sense for them to stick to the wrestling, but what was their beef with TWGTT, other than Benoit hating Haas and Benjamin through Angle? Sometimes, you need to expand the story a bit.

-That’s not to say that the wrestling sucks, because it’s solid, but look who’s involved.

-A fast tag frenzy near the end and Rhyno gores Chavo, but Eddie pulls Rhyno to the floor and Shelton steals the pin on Chavo to retain the gold. Match was good, but largely forgotten in the backdrop of the marquee matches that were ahead. It didn’t give Haas and Benjamin much traction, but at least it was fun to watch.

-The four aforementioned useless hot women argue over who made WrestleMania: Vince McMahon or Hulk Hogan. My answer: Howard Finkel. Did I mention that the Fink is here tonight? #19!

-Video package for the Shawn-Michaels-Chris Jericho feud. You know, the first one. This was Shawn’s in-ring WrestleMania return and, although I was a huge childhood fan, I was pulling for Jericho here. Shawn had a total of 4 or 5 matches since his return seven months before, and I felt that for Jericho to lose would be a BS political move. In other words, I was a smark, but I was also a mark.

-On the way to the ring, Shawn fires off some confetti guns for some reason. A number of them don’t work, and won’t shoot at all. Kevin Nash used to have that problem, but they began making pills for that.

-Extended stalemate sequence opens the match, and after thinking Shawn wouldn’t be able to keep up, I was surprised that he did. Remember, seven years ago, we thought Shawn was only capable of like one match every two months and, even then, it wasn’t always guaranteed to be a classic. This is where Jesus walks in and kicks me in the balls for being Agnostic. Thank you, Jeeze.

-Shawn slaps on a figure four and begins to work Jericho’s leg. I remember once watching Raw with my friend Dave (fan of Bret Hart, hater of Shawn) when Michaels was facing Trevor Murdoch. Shawn grabbed the legs to apply his modified figure four and Dave thought he was attempting the Sharpshooter. Dave began to swear at the TV and then stopped when he realized that he wasn’t mocking Bret. It’s these little things that make us fans.

-The fight spills outside, and Jericho snares Michaels in the Walls of Jericho in the aisleway. Jericho releases after a certain amount of punishment, and then runs back in to break the count. Jericho continues to assault the back, break the count, and repeat. Jericho’s such a tremendous jerk of a heel. He’s like Tully Blanchard, except he doesn’t hide behind religion to cover his past.

-After Jericho hits the Shawn forearm inside, he kips up and does the slant-leg pose to mock HBK, but then Michaels kips up behind him. It’s these little things that keep TNA from becoming a true break-out promotion: you need moments that make the fans smile without resorting to inside jokes or overkill. Shawn’s such an established character, that the fans get it when Jericho rips off part of his shtick, and then they love it when Shawn makes them cheer with the counter-act.

-Jericho continues the acidic ‘tribute’ by landing Shawn’s elbow smash, stomping the foot to tune up Fozzy, and then hits Sweet, eh? Chin Music for 2. Good psychological stuff.

-Shawn mounts the comeback and tries for his SCM, but Jericho ducks the leg and gets the Walls. After Shawn fights it for an eternity, he finally makes the ropes. After Jericho nearly comes to tears in protest, he walks right into Shawn’s Chin Music, but the slow cover can only get 2. Great match.

-Finally, after Jericho jars the spine with a forearm, he tries a back suplex, which Shawn turns into a backroll press for the win. Afterward, Jericho tries to man up and embrace Shawn with a hug, but changes his mind and kicks Shawn low. It’s ok, Chris, you still have your rocker hair until you get with the times and cut it in 2006. Tremendous match with a real big time feel.

-Sylvain Grenier, then an evil referee, goes into Vince’s locker room. He must be mistaken. Pat Patterson’s green room is a few doors—oh, don’t give me that look. I haven’t made a Patterson joke in at LEAST three or four rants!

-Miller Lite Catfight crap. Coach loses his pants. Limp Bizkit performs “Crack Addict”. I’m intoxicated by Turkey Hill iced tea. So all is good.

-Triple H and Booker T for the World Heavyweight Title is next. The storyline here is that Triple H made a few racially charged remarks to the Bookerman, which you’d think would lead to Book shutting him up and winning the title. You’d think that, wouldn’t you, Senor Ignorencia?

-You know, this match kind of annoys me, since it was Hunter slowing things down to a crawl, just to do some make-believe Ric Flair heel champion routine, and it stunted Booker’s momentum as a performer. Let’s just say Hunter works the knee, Booker fails to make enough of a comeback, and Hunter sends him spiraling back to the midcard with the Pedigree. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to two more interesting points.

-First, Jerry Lawler spent the match hamming up Triple H’s rhetoric about Booker being a lifelong criminal. It’s one thing to make a joke or two, as the heel announcer, but it’s another to keep on keeping on, which is what Lawler did. Jim Ross gets so sick and tired of Lawler’s spiel that he openly responds with hostile verbiage, and Lawler actually seems taken aback. It’s way more interesting than the match. What I also love is at Bad Blood a few months later when Lawler tries to bury Booker again with the prison jokes, and JR makes a comment along the lines of “You know, I wonder how different things would be if some OTHER people had been convicted of certain crimes”. And Lawler NEVER made fun of Booker’s criminal record again. Great stuff.

-The other thing: I will defend Hunter winning here. As much as I loved Booker, imagine this: if Hunter never drops the belt to Goldberg in September, then he holds the belt for over a year, right? Sure, it infuriates us, but, as the smarks are huge Benoit fans, what would it mean to us if Chris Benoit took out Triple H to win the title after Hunter spent 15 months as champion? It’d mean a LOT. I can defend Hunter as a heel dominating, because it means just that much more when he loses. Ask Batista.

-Moving on to something else that’s criminal. Criminally fun, that is. Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon will do battle in a street fight that was twenty years in the making. That’s AMAZING. I never knew Vince was clamoring for this fight when Hulk was champion and Vince was skinny, Reagan-esque commentator. And I thought I knew everything.

-Typical geriatric Vince brawling, complete with funny faces and comical selling. I never get enough of watching Vince wrestle. He could have a match with a dead ferret and I’d be entertained.

-Vince realizes his dream of dominating a test of strength. Hulk realizes his dream of bashing Vince with a chair and busting him open. So everyone’s happy.

-Just to show that he’s more hardcore than the useless wusses that he employs, Vince dives off the ladder with a legdrop through Hogan and the Smackdown commentary table. Then to top THAT, after rolling Hogan in, Vince pulls a lead pipe from under the ring and slowly raises his face over the apron with a crazed expression that I still laugh at to this day. Dixie, you’re no Vince. There I said it.

-After both men are down, Rowdy Roddy Piper hits the ring and is apparently doing the Adrian Adonis tribute diet. He spits on both men, but then hits Hogan with a pipe before dropping a couple F-bombs on camera. Just when you think you have all the answers, Roddy forgets the questions and then relapses.

-Long story short: Sylvain Grenier tries to do some shady run-in refereeing, gets taken out, and Hulk drops three legs on Vince for the win. It’s longer than I made it seem, but it’s fun the entire way. Seriously, just watch it. You won’t regret it.

-And now, for something bittersweet. The Rock takes on Stone Cold Steve Austin in….well, if you don’t know, I’ll get to it at the end of the match.

-Rock was full blown Hollywood villain, and Austin is still Stone Cold, albeit with a neck worn down to nothing, and a lack of the same crowd energy that made him Stone Cold in the first place. I’m going to get very sad watching this.

-Tribute is paid to their X7 match as Austin attacks with a flurry and the fight spills outside. Austin is just hammering Rock all over ringside. This is like Rick Fox getting those garbage points in game five of the 2004 NBA finals, in case it was the end for him.

-Rock shifts the tide by working the knee, and the crowd seems reluctant to boo him. Hey, he was such a fun character with this pro-Hollywood slant. My biggest regret is not seeing it last longer. But hey, the movies were calling his name.

-Just for a goof, Rock puts on Austin’s leather vest and continues the fight, and the slugfest continues. Then Austin runs through the classics. There’s the Thesz press. There’s the middle finger elbow. There’s the mudhole stomping. HE’S WALKING IT DRY! That’s it Steve, round the bases one last time. Crap, I think I’m actually getting misty.

-Then we get another staple of their classics: the dueling finishers. Rock gets a stunner. Austin gets Rock Bottom. Neither one finishes the other. Good stuff.

-Then comes the heart-wrenching finish: Rock lands a spinebuster and People’s Elbow for 2. Then Rock lands one Rock Bottom. Austin kicks out on 2. Rock attempts a second one, but Austin desperately tries to elbow his way free. Rock hangs on and spikes him for a second one. Austin writhes on the mat in a fashion that is truly harrowing, but he kicks out on 2. For the third attempt, Austin doesn’t even fight it, and he eats a final Rock Bottom to give The Rock his much-deserved clean win over Stone Cold.

-Afterward, Rock breaks character and sits next to Austin, telling him he loves him as Austin lays hurt on the mat. Only four moments in wrestling get me choked up: Savage and Liz reuniting, Shawn winning his first World Title, Benoit making HHH tap, and this: The Rock throwing his character aside to make sure his real life friend was ok and to express his support. After Rock celebrates with his family at ringside, he leaves so that Austin can do the final walkaway, as his in ring career ended after one hell of a fourteen year journey. There will never be another Stone Cold Steve Austin. Much like Shawn and Taker should have ended XXV, THIS should have ended XIX. Austin and Rock, the two men who carried the Attitude era, in their final chapter. I love it.

-Still one match to go, and it’s going to take a lot to top this. Don’t worry, what’s on tap has a chance.

-If you thought Austin’s neck was bad, Kurt Angle’s was just as horrid, as he prepared to defend the WWE Championship against Brock Lesnar. Angle was in dire need of surgery on his spine, but chose to go through with this match. This wouldn’t be the last time we worried about Angle’s health or sanity.

-The two men begin with a feeling out process, as both men are among the most accomplished amateur wrestlers-turned-pro in the world. At first, I thought that it would just remain at this pace due to Angle’s bad neck, but hey, I was wrong again. Did I mention I was fairly dumb at 19? I’d just met Eric Gargiulo months before this show and I think I was I was still in a mental haze. It’s like a fifteen year old girl meeting Miley Cyrus. Eric’s just that special.

-Angle lands a German suplex and Lesnar soon nails him with a clothesline. If this was Kurt’s last match for a while, he was damn sure going to kill himself doing it.

-Angle then sends Lesnar hard into the buckles with a German suplex. Here Brock, share some of my pain, you musclehead.

-Angle wears Lesnar down further, taking the time to get his bearings, which is the smart thing to do. Then he hits an overhead belly to belly on a 300 pound man, then does four rolling Germans on Lesnar just for fun. When Kurt Angle lives to be 400 years old and is a cyborg, no one better be surprised, you hear me? NO ONE.

-Here’s a good sequence for you: Angle tries for the Angle Slam, Lesnar counters with an F5 attempt, which Angle rolls into the ankle lock. After Lesnar gets free, Angle gets the release throwing German suplex for 2. Jaw. Dropped.

-Through the remainder of the match, Lesnar manages to drop Angle with a pair of F5s and Angle really should be dead by now. I mean, come on, he was facing surgery that was due to keep him out for a YEAR and he’s going full gore with the future UFC Champion. Angle is crazy, ya’ll.

-Speaking of crazy, here comes some Mania lore: Lesnar tries for a shooting star press, but lands on his head and nearly breaks his neck in the process. After improvising a pin for 2, Angle tries for an Angle Slam, but Brock finishes with the F5 for his second WWE Title. They do the respect hug afterward. Tremendous match that made me cringe every time Angle did something the least bit physical. With Austin retiring due to his spinal damage, I certainly didn’t want to see Kurt end up a crippled vegetable. I loved the match, but it’s like a car wreck: hard to watch, but hard to turn away.

-Limp Bizkit plays us out. Speaking of played out, Limp Bizkit, folks!

-CYNIC SAYS: At the time, I wasn’t sure what to think. WWE was in a major rut creatively, and couldn’t please anyone. Yet time has been kind to this show, as everything seemed to set up a future development. Hunter stayed strong to make his losses mean more. Shawn stayed strong to begin his full time comeback. Lesnar went over to become the future (sort of). And Austin went out with a great final performance.

WrestleMania XIX is a blossoming flower in a turd garden that is 2003 WWE. But you won’t regret having sat through all four hours of this tremendous show.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 3 – 1995-1999 (WrestleMania XI-XV)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 4 – 2000-2004 (WrestleMania XVI-XX)

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!

Hello there loyal readers. You are my loyal readers, right? In this series I attempt to provide an alternative view point to a specific topic. My subject this time is none other than  the WWE “The Phenom” himself, The Undertaker.

With WWE WrestleMania 26 fast approaching I began thinking about the Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels rematch. A lot of speculation is going on as to whether HBK can end the Taker’s 17-0 streak, or will this be the last hurrah for the Showstopper. To me, there is no doubt how this one will end. This match is being booked as a test of wills. And when it comes to imposing his will, in my opinion, the Undertaker stands alone.

For nearly twenty years now, the Undertaker has been one of the driving forces in the WWE. From his days as the Dead Man, to “the conscience of the WWF”, to leader of the Ministry of Darkness, to the American Bad Ass, to Big Evil, to WrestleMania legend, one thing has remained the same. The Undertaker looks out for the Undertaker. Other than the fact that he portrays a dark persona, I don’t see the attraction that people have for him. I am not an Undertaker fan, can you tell, and here are my top reasons why.

#5 – He Never Ever Breaks Character

I understand and I can certainly appreciate the art of selling your persona to the fans. I still remember being at a NWA match at the Philadelphia Civic Center in the late ‘80s and having someone show me a picture they took back stage of Ric Flair, Sting, and Lex Luger posing with their arms around each other and smiling. The problem was that they were all feuding at the time and I remember how disillusioning it felt to see them break character like that. So I get it. But Undertaker takes it to a whole new level. I have never seen him any other way, except for when he was “Mean” Mark Callous in WCW before becoming the Undertaker. To me, the moment that took it too far was the night of May 24th, 1999. That was the night of the Owen Hart tribute, Raw Is Owen. The show started with all of the wrestlers standing on the entrance ramp for the ten bell salute. All except for the Undertaker, who was leading the Ministry at the time and didn’t want to break character. Even Steve Austin, who was nearly paralyzed by Owen, came out at the end to toast Owen and left us with the moving and lasting image of that lone beer can left in the ring for Owen.

#4 – He Never Loses A Feud
Name me one feud he has had that he has lost. The closest he has come is with Mankind back in 1996, almost fifteen years ago. Even when he loses individual matches, they are quickly followed up by Taker getting his revenge and rendering the previous victory all but irrelevant. I know the fashionable thing is to bash Triple H for all the people he has supposedly “buried”, but please tell me just who has the Undertaker ever elevated. Who has ever gotten the last shot in with him? Because it is so rare for Taker to do the job for an opponent, when it does happen it seems somehow grander and more epic. Part of the reason that the series of matches he had with Batista in 2007 were so good was that an opponent was finally allowed to hold his own against him.

#3 – In Ring Work
Let me clarify this one right away. When he wants to, the Undertaker has some of the most impressive moves and agility for a man his size that has ever been seen. WHEN HE WANTS TO. He basically took off the first part of the last decade and was sleepwalking through matches. He was out of shape, injury prone, and lazy in the ring. How many careers did he almost end by not being able to cleanly execute his “Last Ride” finisher? For the last few years he has improved his work rate to a much more consistent level, but still takes nights off in my opinion. Say what you will about the limited move sets of a John Cena, or the backstage politics of a Triple H. One thing you cannot slight them on is the consistent effort they put out in the ring.

#2 – He No-Sells Like No Other

Does this really need explanation? People love to trash Hulk Hogan for ruining guys by no-selling their finishers, which of course he does. But why should the Undertaker get a pass. I can see a need for it back in the early ‘90s when he was supposed to be this unstoppable zombie like monster. But now? Why should I believe that a finisher that can take out any other wrestler is worthless against a balding wrestler in his mid forties? And as usual, Undertaker takes it too far. You want to sit up from one finisher, fine. But he can get up from multiple finishers. How does this guy ever lose?

#1 – The Streak
17-0. It sounds so absurd to me to even write that. Could any other wrestler get away with being undefeated on the biggest stage of the year for that long? Triple H catches hell just for being in the main event every year, which by the way he is not this year. John Cena is vilified for, well, just being John Cena. And yet Taker is built up for his extended run of excellence. If you have read any of Justin Henry’s amazing WrestleMania recaps you’ll see that most of the matches Undertaker has had at WrestleMania have been mediocre to downright awful. Yet year after year he goes over whoever is put in front of him.

Well there you have it. Another myth debunked, another fraud exposed. I hope HBK wins to end the Undertaker’s streak , I really do. But I just don’t see it happening. Because when it comes to protecting the aura of the Undertaker, Mark Calaway will never rest… in peace.

Vince DeHoratus lives in suburban Philadelphia with his wife and two kids. He has been a life long wrestling fan and he has passed that love onto his son. Though not quite yet “middle aged and crazy”, he is fast approaching it.

Order WWE Tombstone – History of the Undertaker

Undertaker’s Most Dangerous Matches

WWE – Undertaker 15-0

WWE – Undertaker – This Is My Yard

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I realize that as I write this there is probably thousands of blogs floating around the World Wide Web regarding their own personal thoughts on last night’s first official shot to the restart of the Monday Night Wars in the world of wrestling. For what it’s worth it really wasn’t anything extremely special unless you don’t read any internet reports or even camelclutchblog.com as Rob Van Dam showed up on TNA Impact. Besides that it was very little bang in both shows that made us go “the Monday Night Wars are back!”

Taking a look first at TNA Impact where I have been pretty critical on the product lately in my blogs and on “The Still Real to us show.” I’ve been pretty critical of the product lately because of the things Hogan & Bischoff have done with the organization since they took over as it continues to look like a Hulk & friends expo more then anything. The main event they had setup for their first official Monday night show wasn’t all that appealing either.

TNA heavily promoted the “first five minutes” of their show were a “must see.” They didn’t tell us why they just told us to be there. Well if you went to TNA first you got the main event match in the first 5 minutes. You saw the return of Flair and Hogan in the ring. The match itself was dreadful and both legends are showing their age in the ring. The return of Sting was cool but a heel turn never works for Sting because no matter what he does the fans love him. I find it strange that in recent months Hogan & Bischoff have buried/re-packaged guys like Jarrett, Sting and Foley, three guys that were focal points for the organization in the last year.

For some reason TNA creative thought they would pull on the ol’ heart strings if Brooke Hogan cried and pleaded with her father not to wrestle. It did nothing for me. If they want to make me feel sad for Brooke Hogan make me listen to her album from front to back then I will feel a drop of sadness for Brooke Hogan.

Unsurprisingly Rob Van Dam closes his open door relationship with WWE to sign with TNA as was reported all last week within all the smart marks of wrestling. How do they debut Rob Van Dam? They give us a dream match in less then thirty seconds with Sting vs. RVD. When you heard RVD’s music come on as Sting awaited his opponent fans were popping in the living rooms as they finally got a match that they have waited to see on free TV.

Then the amazing booking of Vince Russo kicked in and we got a kick to the head, a rolling thunder and a three count. I was more pissed then anything else because it was a waste of time and a throw away match for two legendary wrestlers people want to see actually wrestle. The beat down of RVD left me scratching my head as there was no mention of RVD’s beat down for the rest of the show. Nice to see RVD was a pawn in a Hogan angle.

One of the only good things I saw out of Impact was the way they made Eric Young look last night. The fire and fight they made him have when he took on Sean Waltman was pretty awesome. Despite not being on the show for a whole lot of time I would give Eric Young the MVP, along with the X-Division match for last nights show as he showed the fire the TNA locker room once had.

One random thought from last night’s show was how many commercial breaks and promos they had. I understand ad revenue but damn it was pretty boring and hard to watch. The Nash/Young stuff with Waltman/Hall was dragging for too long. By the way who see Nash turning on Young or even vice versa to give Waltman & Hall contracts? Props to the TNA Impact zone fans for chanting “Hall is wasted.” Chant of the night.

Then to finish the show we get the Main Event again with Earl Hebner as referee for no reason what’s as ever as they brought him back after another “screw job” from a few weeks ago. Also don’t make me feel bad for the Hulkster when he’s taking to Bubba the Love Sponge. The guy doesn’t belong in wrestling and it’s sad that TNA sided with him after the years of service Awesome Kong gave the company.

Flair and Hogan showed their age yet again in this match. They look much slower then they did in their recent WWE runs and it was sad to see. But what do you expect out of a 60 year old and a man in his late 50s. Abyss/Hogan win and Abyss gets a title shot. Ok.

On the other side of the wrestling spectrum, the WWE and Raw has been fun to watch in recent weeks as they have really done a good job building toward Wrestlemania 26. Last night’s show may have been one of their least entertaining shows in weeks but still got a lot done to further expand their storylines which TNA did not do a good job of. Like Doug Williams vs. Shannon Moore for the X-Division Championship, ok why? Because Jeff Hardy signed that is Shannon Moore’s bonus?

The Undertaker/HBK stuff has been great in recent weeks with little physical confrontation to set up this match. They made sure the match at Wrestlemania 26 will not end in Disqualification and someone actually has to win the match. I have my suspicious on how it will end but either way Undertaker/HBK at Wrestlemania 26 is huge and the booking has made it feel that way.

I don’t like when the WWE gives away PPV matches on free TV, I don’t like it even more when it’s a Wrestlemania 26 match. The tag team match did nothing for me. I understand that they need to start building this match and it was nice to see they added it on Raw instead of just focusing it on Smackdown but the match itself did nothing for me.

As we have talked about a lot of “The Still Real to us show,” Eric Gargiulo and I have no idea where the Randy Orton/Legacy thing is going as we get closer to Wrestlemania 26. Is Orton a face? Is he a tweener character now? I have no idea and I feel that way even more from watching Raw. The fans cheered for him so the face ball is in his court. I’m hoping creative will have a good ending to this confusing build towards Wrestlemania.

Sheamus vs. Triple H is official for Wrestlemania 26 and I’m actually looking forward to this match. I think this will give Sheamus the opportunity to move in the step forward of being taken seriously as a main eventer in the fans eyes. I was also happy with Evan Bourne being the final participant for the “Money in the Bank” ladder match as Eric Gargiulo was right on the money (no pun intended) with his prediction for the last spot in the match.

As for the Main Event match it was “eh.” McMahon being in the main event was funny as it was definitely counter programming to TNA’s main event with the battle of the senior citizens. I didn’t really expect anything out of this match; the stuff with the gauntlet was interesting and made sense for wrestlers face or heel to do it because Vince McMahon is the boss. I hope something comes out of this for Mark Henry or Kofi Kingston as they were the only two to stand up to Vince McMahon.

This was probably the lowest of all the great stuff Cena & Batista have been doing lately in their build for the main event match for Wrestlemania 26. Batista lays out Cena again and continues to make Cena look like the guy that won’t “give up.” I have a feeling things will change next week with Steve Austin in charge of Raw.

With that being said next week’s Raw looks great with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the guest host. I love the “Wrestlemania rewind” stuff that WWE has done the past couple of years on Raw and this coming Monday should be fun to watch. Already three huge matches have been announced as Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho (possibly for the last time ever), Triple H vs. Randy Orton and John Cena vs. Big Show. Add the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon contract signing with Steve Austin overseeing it and we have a jammed packed show for next week’s Raw.

As for TNA they will be taped as they will be taping their next Monday show on Tuesday March 9th. That will take away from the rating for the show as some fans will read the spoilers and rather watch the action packed live Raw for next week. That will hurt the numbers at least for the second week of the Monday Night Wars.

As for both shows overall I really didn’t feel like there was a winner or a loser. Both shows were just kind of “eh.” I lean more to the WWE side because I don’t like what Hogan & Bischoff have done with TNA already as I have stated on past blogs and during “The Still Real to us show.” The ratings will obviously raise the hand of one winner but I don’t think the TNA rating for this past Monday will match or be better then the one from January 4th. TNA still clearly has some work to do before they reach the same level as WWE.

If you have any questions or comments for Eric Gargiulo and I for this week’s “The Still Real to us Show” please e-mail us at thestillrealtousshow@gmail.com

Jeff Peck is the producer for the “Wheelhouse Radio” program that airs every Sunday – Thursday @ 8pm ET/5pm PT at www.blogtalkradio.com/thewheelhouse and at www.errorfm.com @ 2am ET/11pm PT

Jeff also co-hosts “The Still Real to us show” with Eric Gargiulo which can be available at www.wheelhouseradio.com and can be downloaded in the “Real Guy Radio” section of the site. There you can also download many different shows including “The Wheelhouse”, “24 on 24″ and “Lost: Smoke Monsters and You.”

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The WWE will close out the road to WrestleMania 26 with a bang on Monday. In what is becoming a tradition, WWE RAW will feature a WrestleMania Rewind of WrestleMania rematches. On top of the familiar rematches, WWE Hall of Fame wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin will captain the ship and run the show. Can you say WWE ratings bonanza?

Some will point to this strong effort as a response to TNA’s decision to go head to head on Monday nights with TNA Impact. However, Austin was booked on the show long before the weekly Monday Night Wars became a reality. Additionally, the WrestleMania Rewind has become something of an annual event leading into the biggest pro wrestling event of the year. Unfortunately for TNA, there really won’t be much they can do to combat what should be one of the most exciting editions of WWE RAW of the year.

The WWE announced three WrestleMania rematches on this week’s WWE RAW. Obviously with two hours to fill, there is a possibility that more could be added by G.M. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Already announced for Monday are a rematch of last year’s WrestleMania XXV co-main event Triple H vs. Randy Orton, a rematch from WrestleMania XIX between Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels, and finally a rematch from the WrestleMania XX opener between John Cena and The Big Show.

Without a doubt, the Michaels-Jericho WrestleMania XIX rematch will be most anticipated by WWE fans. Michaels vs. Jericho had arguably the feud of the year two years ago. They wrestled each other several times in big matches with each match outdoing the other. Could this be Shawn Michaels next-to-last match? Both guys have a tremendous amount of respect for one another so this could be something of a tribute to Jericho by Michaels in giving him his second-to-last ever wrestling match.

The complexities of this whole Legacy feud just keep on growing with a rematch of last year’s main-event between Triple H and Randy Orton. It is really odd to me that two guys who have had big parts in the last several WrestleManias are playing such small roles this year. For Randy Orton, it is even stranger that as of this writing, Orton has yet to have an officially announced match at WrestleMania XXIV, although most expect some kind of a match with Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. To me, this whole feud isn’t resonating with fans because there are no clear lines on who are the babyfaces and who are the heels. By sticking Randy Orton in a match with Triple H, the WWE are once again blurring the lines. However, if the match ends with Triple H and Orton standing side by side and fighting off members of Legacy and Sheamus, all of that would undoubtedly become clearer going into WrestleMania. Then again, how ridiculous would that be when after all Randy Orton did physically attack Trip’s wife a year ago? While I am not particularly interested in seeing a 500th match between these two, I must admit that I am curious to see where they go with this whole thing.

Finally The Big Show and John Cena will tangle in a rematch of their “classic” WrestleMania XX opener. In all seriousness, it really was a monumental match as it was Cena’s first big WrestleMania match. Now let’s be honest, I don’t think anyone is beating down the WWE door and demanding a rematch here. But, I am sure that Batista and possibly even Vince McMahon get involved here and throw in a few twists. My prediction is that Steve Austin comes out to even the sides and ends the night with an old fashioned Stone Cold Stunner on Vince McMahon for old time’s sake.

For all of the criticism that the WWE generally receives, I think they have done a better job of building up this year’s WrestleMania than they have done in quite some time. Considering all of the goofy angles the WWE threw at us last year building up the Triple H-Randy Orton match, this year’s buildup is a welcome breath of fresh air. Throw on top of the above mentioned a likely appearance by Bret Hart and I can’t think of a better way to bring home the road to WrestleMania XXVI.

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-Where were you on March 29, 1998, when WWE WrestleMania XIV emanated from the (since renamed) Fleet Center in Boston, Mass? If you’re like me, you were watching the show. If you’re not like me, then you’re….well, not like me. I’m not here to discriminate against you. That’s Bill Watts’ job.

-WWE WrestleMania XIV was to the Attitude Era what Woodstock was to the sixties counterculture movement. It was a landmark moment that symbolized the era better than anything else. The show I am about to review in tidbit form was not the all time greatest show ever. It may not even be in the top five. However, it remains memorable because it did just about everything right. In a time when WCW was becoming more stale than a loaf of bread found in the remnants of Hitler’s bunker, the WWE was picking up serious steam with the elements of shock TV, fresh characters, and a stylistic approach to producing television. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Vince McMahon would soon throw himself out there for fans to boo with impunity. We never bought the smiling babyface act for a minute.

-Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who are starring in WWE Films new adaptation of The Wizard of Oz, wherein Ross seeks a new facial structure, and Lawler seeks the ability to actually care about the product he is paid to put over. The 2010 version of Lawler is more disinterested than Adam Lambert at the Vegas Bunny Ranch.

-Not featured on the actual televised version of the show was Chris Warren and the DX Band playing America the Beautiful in their nu-metal punkish style. It was done before the event so as to not offend any customers at home. What would then follow was a show that featured blood, sexuality, overt violence, and Shawn Michaels’ butt crack. But you know, at least there was no punk band playing an American anthem. That would have been taking things too far.

-The opening act is a fifteen team battle royal where the winners get a shot at Backlash, also known as “WrestleMania Rehash Sunday”. The roster for this match is the KFC Famous Bowl of the WWE KFC menu, in that it’s just the extras. It includes two teams of Los Boricuas, The Truth Commission, Bradshaw and Chainz, two Nation of Domination teams, The Quebecers, the freaking Rock n Roll Express, The Headbangers, Too Much, DOA, Steve Blackman and Flash Funk (The Black Men?), The Godwinns, The New Midnight Express, and the returning Legion of Doom, who have 2 additions: Sunny, and space helmets. Because, you know, that was all they were missing: a bitter diva with weight problems and fiberglass space helmets. Hold me back.

-You know this match is important when the show begins during the intros with more than half the teams in the ring. That’s Vince slang for “Let’s get this crap over with”.

-Sunny looks hot here. Of course, if you froze my dad in 1977 and woke him up now and he wanted to see Sally Struthers, he’d make the same face I’d make when I saw Sunny in XPW. That was when Sunny became Moony, because she definitely had the craters to earn such a name.

-I’d list the eliminations, but since the cameras can’t even keep up, I’ll leave it as an exercise to you to do a web search. Go to www.crappyopeningmatches.com. The final four teams are DOA, Godwinns, Midnights, and LOD. All I have to distract me are the jiggling breasts and bulbous buttocks at ringside. Yeah, Jim Cornette was getting out of shape at this point.

-So it comes down to the geezerly LOD and fake Midnights, and LOD wins to justify the cost of the space helmets. The real winner was Ricky Morton, who made it the entire night without getting arrested for failure to pay child support. Attaboy, Ricky, you mulleted coot!

-Earlier this weekend, a fan got the chance to meet 2 Cold Scorpio. If I was the kid, you know me, I would have definitely asked “So, was the rumor in Foley’s book true?”. If 2 Cold took time to prove the anecdote correct for the kid, would that have made the kid’s life or traumatized him? That’s open for debate.

-Next up, the WWE Lightheavyweight Championship is on the line as Taka Michinoku defends against Aguila, which is the Spanish word for “huge jobber whose entrance is not televised”. This match has promise and will blow away anyone who sees it for the first time. Except for Vince, who has zoned out and is daydreaming about riding a two seater bike with Triple H on the next warm, sunny day.

-Sidenote: how many smarks in this era do you think played their Firepro wrestling game with Taka vs. Rey Mysterio, dreaming of the day they’d face off? That’s a lot of disappointed college library supervisors.

-Taka lands his super awesome running springboard suicide dive, and Aguila would later come back with an insane corkscrew plancha. Crowd is into these crazy spots, but Vince has his eyes closed with his fingers in his ears and is singing “Stand Back” at the top of his lungs. What a poor sport.

-You know, I’m almost sad that Brian Christopher wasn’t out here to do his racist commentary bit, where he uses offensive words for Japanese people and has to be corrected by JR. It always seemed as if Brian wasn’t even saying them in character, rather he truly believed that they were appropriate names for said people. No wonder Lawler refused to claim him as a son. When JERRY LAWLER is ashamed of you….

-Taka spikes Aguila with the Michinoku Driver for the win. The two men shake hands and hug afterward, because WWE Attitude was all about love and respect and honor. 2 years later, Aguila would unmask and begin doing the nasty with Lita, while Taka’s ring entrance involved bad Japanese dubbing. Such a progressive time period.

-In a taped bit, infamous mistress Gennifer Flowers interviews Intercontinental Champion The Rock. You know you’re an A-Lister when they bring in a glorified call girl to interview you. Tune in to Raw tomorrow night when Ken Shamrock gives his rebuttal to interviewer Amy Fisher.

-Here’s Chris Warren and the DX Band to play Triple H to the ring. I guess the budget wasn’t deep enough to get Motorhead, so here’s a song sung by a man who looks like what Jeff Hardy will resemble at age 40 when the meth turns his bones to dust. D-GENERAYYYYYYYTION!!!!!!!

-Trips defends his European Title against Owen Hart, in a match where Chyna must be handcuffed at ringside to then-commissioner Sgt. Slaughter. Chyna and Slaughter handcuffed together? It’s like an outtake from Hell from the movie Exit to Eden.

-You know Owen’s feeling jaunty because he hit a hurracanrana and it’s after 1992. Maybe he’s just trying to bore Russo with wrestling so that he can get fired and go to WCW. Maybe.

-This is a weird time period for Hunter as he still has his sissy boy hairstyle, but was beginning to develop his body. And by ‘develop’, I mean he got breast implants. He looks like some dainty version of Super Macho Man from Mike Tyson’s Punchout. In other words, Stephanie has a thing for macho men. Just saying.

-HHH lands the so-called “Harley Race knee” to Owen. It’s not really a Harley Race knee unless you’ve drank 4 beers and got stabbed by a fan before the show. So Hunter’s really just a wimp.

-Owen crotches HHH, but not hard enough to prevent the spawn of Satan from being passed on. You fail, Owen. I love you, but you fail. Speaking of fail, this was a weird face turn for Owen, as we had no real reason to cheer him other than he hates DX. Then again, we were supposed to cheer Val Venis for speaking the wives of other men, so the whole time period was screwy. Pun intended.

-Owen with the Sharpshooter. RING THE F—oh wait, it’s on somebody who Vince likes. Damn it all. Chyna helps Hunter get to the ropes and then blinds Slaughter with some powder she happened to have on her. That powder would later come in handy when she realized that she was shacked up with X-Pac and needed to escape life for a spell. After a low blow on Owen, Hunter hits the burial device (aka Pedigree) to keep his European title. Good match, however, though Slaughter was just useless. Even the crowd mocked him and rightfully so. It’s what he gets for trying to mold Greg Gagne against our best wishes.

-Now for a match that everybody seemed to have low expectations for. It’s the mixed tag match pitting Marc Mero and Sable against Goldust and Luna. Sable and Mero had a rather typical love story going: guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, girl gets jumbo implants and the fans fall in love with her, guy turns into a jealous mess, guy eventually leaves her for Kevin Sullivan’s on screen ex-girlfriend. And really, nobody wants that.

-This is the match that solidified Sable as an icon in WWE canon, as she wants to rip Luna to pieces for weeks of physical torment. After Mero and Goldie set the table, Sable finally gets Luna inside and beats the Hell out of her to an ungodly pop. Even an undertrained bimbo was outperforming WCW’s main eventers, and fans noticed.

-Fun note: CCB writer Brett Clendaniel called me after viewing a copy of the show and swore up and down that Luna’s boob popped out during Sable’s beal across the ring. I scoured the internet for days, trying to find Luna’s breast. In an unrelated note, Brett and I were both 14 and still virgins. Unrelated, of course.

-What’s weird is that the crowd doesn’t want to cheer Mero, but they almost feel goaded into it as he’s Sable’s partner. When he beats down Goldust and avoids Dustin’s charge that leads to him running into Luna, the crowd loves it. I love those weird and temporary de facto face turns. It’s like when Jesse Ventura would praise a babyface and you’d feel validated somehow.

-The crowd just absolutely loses their mind when Sable powerbombs Luna. It was the Rick Pitino/Pete Carroll era of Boston sports, so they’ll take what they can get.

-Sable ends it with the TKO. Mero’s overcelebrating next to Sable’s overdone scorn is a riot. It’s a shame that Mero’s career ended up being cut short later in the year, because he was feeling this jealous heel schtick. Sort of like Randy Savage with an extremely nasally voice. Good match too, oddly enough.

-Did I mention that angry Sable is hot? Like, incredibly piping hot? I think that’s why somebody defecated in her bag backstage, just to see her face. Not all angry women can be hot, however. I hold up Donita Sparks as exhibit A.

-Next up, the Intercontinental Title match with The Rock defending against Ken Shamrock. Rock brings Nation of Domination members Kama Mustafa, D-Lo Brown, and Mark Henry with him, with Faarooq nowhere to be seen. This was during the struggle for leadership between Rock and Faarooq, which sounds weird today. In later years, Rock would become the most charismatic star in wrestling history, whereas Faarooq was relegated to saying just one word per promo. Weird.

-Wait, before the match, we have a time wasting segment where Tennessee Lee (formerly Col. Robert Parker) introduces Jeff Jarrett and Gennifer Flowers. Flowers is just here to proclaim Jeff Jarrett “great”. So it’s a segment to stroke Jarrett’s ego and waste everyone else’s time? Oh well. Better one segment than the first five years of TNA.

-So Shamrock and Rock do the “required brawl”, which entails of fighting all around the ringside area with no mind paid to countouts or DQs, and they eventually make it back to the ring to brawl some more. History was kind to Ken Shamrock, since he had a couple great matches and is a respected fighter, but, let’s face it, without the right opponent, he was nothing special. At least he’s one up on Lashley on promos. Then again, so is former WCW interviewer Scott Dunlap.

-Rock hits the People’s Elbow to a lukewarm reaction. Either it’s 1998, or Vince booked the show in Anaheim again. Nope, 1998.

-Rocky PASTES Shamrock with a chair shot, which doesn’t top the one he gave Shamrock on Raw the previous month that was directly to the face. That was the greatest chair shot of all time, next to the one Randy Orton gave Mick Foley at the 2004 Royal Rumble. We really need a list for this. 1 is Rock hitting Shamrock, 2 is Orton hitting Foley, 3 is any Terry Funk chairshot, and 750,000th place are the ones Lance Storm gave Rob Van Dam at Barely Legal.

-Shamrock makes Rocky tap to the ankle lock in under five minutes to win the title. However, afterward, Shamrock cleans house of the NOD members and several officials to have the decision reversed. Shamrock reapplies the ankle lock and Faarooq runs out for the save, but changes his mind and walks off to a nice reaction. As Rock is stretchered out, and the decision reversal is announced, a near comatose Great One raises his title on the gurney. Always classic. Shamrock runs over and pummels him some more, since he’s in a fit of rage. Also classic. Hey, for five minutes, it was fun. Let’s do it again sometime.

-Now to up the violence quotient a little bit, we move on to the Tag Team Title match with the New Age Outlaws defending against Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie. It’s a dumpster match, where both losers must be placed in a dumpster with both lids shut. It was originally to have been a barbed wire match, but the PPV carriers were mortified and refused to allow it. Which is probably just as well, since if Billy Gunn gets gashed enough times, he may actually bleed out his remaining charisma. Good thing Road Dogg has it in spades to spare.

-First truly sick spot is Cactus trying a flip attack off of the apron and missing Dogg, instead hitting the side of the dumpster. C’mon, Mick, you can bump harder than that. Collette needs a new piano!

-Mostly it’s lunch tray shots being exchanged, which is a 7 on WWE’s hardcore scale, but about a 3 on ECW’s hardcore scale. But if the fans had brought the trays themselves, then the smarks would call it EXTREME. E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!

-The Outlaws slam the dumpster lids on both Cactus and Chainsaw’s heads to allow Lawler to make the timeless “Terry Funk gets hit by the toilet seat lid when he gets a drink” joke. When I say “timeless”, I mean that I can’t recall a time when it was witty.

-Billy’s got a nice blood mustache going, which equates him to the Hitler of pro wrestling, in that I think he’s evil and repulsive. Actually, no, that’s insulting. Hitler could get thousands of people on his side, whereas Gunn can’t pop the Impact Zone.

-Cactus applies dual Mandible Claws to both Outlaws, and it’s good that the Outlaws are facing each other eye to eye so that Road Dogg can use his hands to teach Gunn how to sell. How far gone must Bart Gunn have been to be the less interesting half of the Smoking Gunns?

-And now to make things just a little bit sicker, Cactus and Gunn go falling off of a ladder from the ring into the dumpster, which just looked nasty. Then, after Gunn climbs out, he and Dogg tandem powerbomb Funk into the dumpster, which led to a deeply purple bruise that encompassed Funk’s entire hip, as was seen late in the match. Funk didn’t even know he was hurt, according to a shoot interview with Gunn. Seriously, how can you not love Terry Funk? The man’s probably been dead 10 years and doesn’t know it.

-The fight leads backstage to where a cooler of Powerade gets knocked over (cheap crap) and Cactus knocks out both Outlaws onto a pallet, which Terry Funk then elevates with a forklift(!), then drives it to a second dumpster, where Cactus rolls them off into for the win and the gold. Terry’s madman laughter afterwards is frightening if you’ve never seen him before. Having watched him for over 20 years, it’s just merely kinda frightening. Great brawl.

-And now, a family rivalry as Undertaker’s streak is on the line against his charred brother Kane. If you don’t know the story, Undertaker burned down the mortuary as a kid and killed his parents and, presumably, his younger brother Kane. However, Kane lived and managed to get his degree in oral hygiene, before Paul Bearer (Kane’s dad) convinced him to wear a leather mask and pretend to be a burn victim. Kane liked the mask because it impressed women, especially a dead cheerleader that he fell in love with. Undertaker was so disheartened by the whole thing that he now dates a corpse himself named Michelle. At least, I THINK that’s how the story goes.

-Update for this show: Undertaker is a face. Kane is a heel. They currently hate each other. Expect updates for all ensuing WrestleManias.

-Now for another guest: Pete Rose, who insults Boston baseball fans and gets Tombstoned by Kane. Kane later inducted Rose into the WWE Hall of Fame, because they are true professionals. Except one’s a pyromaniac and the other gambles. But we can’t all be winners.

-#14 for Finkel. Go Fink.

-Taker makes his entrance amongst the druids and the fight be on, yo. Kane was still green at this point, but Taker’s reigning him in through the brawl nicely. At least Kane looks believable out there.

-Kane batters Taker on the floor with the ringsteps. I love in the Attitude era when they would use weapons liberally, but had to especially announce some matches as having no DQ’s. Russo, that’s brilliant!

-Did I mention that Paul Bearer eerily resembles Oliver Humperdink at this point? It’s worth noting.

-Now for a famous moment, as Taker clears the top rope with a dive and overshoots Kane, crushing the Spanish announce table. It could have been much worse than that. Jimmy Snuka’s kid could have failed to catch him here too.

-Back in the ring, Kane lands a Tombstone for 2. Dun dun DUNN.

-Taker then says “To Hell with this” and lands three tombstones to put his brother away and make it to 7-0. Oh, and Kane attacks him afterward, but I believe that this was the end of the feud and they never crossed paths again. Solid match, all things told.

-And now for the big one: Shawn Michaels defends the WWE Title against Stone Cold Steve Austin. The big story here is that Michaels’ back was completely shot and it’s a near miracle that he had the match that he did. I’ll explain in further detail as we get there.

-And now for the big celebrity involvement: guest outside enforcer Mike Tyson, who is fairly subdued here, oddly enough. He had joined DX to further stack the odds against Austin. Austin was overcoming odds when Cena was still studying for his midterms. Take that, Mr. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect.

-Tyson comes out first to major boos. Austin is shown walking in the backstage corridor and gets a scary pop. Then Shawn makes his way to the entrance way with Hunter and Chyna and says to the camera: “This is for you, Earl”, referencing Earl Hebner, who had a stroke days before. Earl had a stroke and Shawn’s back was kaput. Anyone sense the hand of karma?

-The match begins in chaotic fashion with Austin taking Shawn down and pummeling him. After getting whipped early, Shawn tries to escape to the floor, but Austin grabs the tights and exposes half of his butt to the world. Then, for a bonus, Austin backdrops Shawn to the floor and Shawn’s butt cheeks hit Hunter in the head. Well, I think that establishes the pecking order of the Kliq once and for all….

-Hunter interjects himself and he and Chyna find themselves ejected. If only Hunter got tossed everytime he’s tried to eject himself. Booker T may still have his passion.

-And now for more random brawling, as Shawn and Austin fight to the DX bandstand, and Austin gets hit by a cymbal. Would you have laughed if the ref disqualified Shawn then and there, five minutes in, and Shawn kept the belt? Yeah, me either.

-Then we have the telltale moment: Austin knocks Shawn off the apron, and Shawn awkwardly lands against the commentary desk, leading to him puffing his cheeks and bugging his eyes in serious pain from his back just dying. Even if you hate Shawn for all of his hypocrisy, it’s hard not to feel for him at this moment. All the times he’s tried to play Superman and steal the show, and it was all summed up in one moment. Poor guy.

-Shawn’s carrying on, though, and he even backdrops Austin over the rail, which had to be tough enough, considering he’s walking at a snail’s pace and wincing the entire way. Knowing the full story now, the match is hard to watch, especially 12 years later when he’s STILL WRESTLING. The man has no peer. Seriously.

-Now it settles down, and Shawn uncharacteristically slows his pace and begins to pound Austin with punches, followed by working the knee. He’s struggling to even get his breath. I wouldn’t be surprised if Vince came running down the aisle with a morphine needle right now. I wouldn’t blame him, either.

-Tyson throws Austin back into the ring, giving him a wedgie in the process. Shawn takes out Austin’s leg and applies a figure four as the match begins to crawl, yet is still flowing without fail. Christ, even when Shawn’s near death, he’ll hit at least a four star rating. If I sound like I’m kissing up to the guy, trust me, I am.

-Referee Mike Chioda gets taken out, and Shawn catches Austin with a horrible flying forearm. After he kips up, he lands the Savage elbow (HOW?!) and then begins the stomp. He tries to throw Sweet Chin Music, but Austin catches the boot. A series of reversals later and Austin plants him with the Stunner. Tyson slides in and counts to three (rather quickly) to give Austin his first World Title. Shawn’s injury accounted for, this was a damn incredible match, and I give Shawn all the credit in the world for finishing.

-Afterward, Austin and Tyson celebrate, and we get a symbolic torch-passing moment: Shawn whines about Tyson siding with Austin, so Tyson drills him with a hard punch, and lays Austin’s shirt over his face. Goodbye Heartbreak Kid, hello Texas Rattlesnake. Shawn would not wrestle for the company for over four years after this, but if his career had ended here, he did it as he does best: stealing the show, even with the odds against him. As for Austin, the best was yet to come.

-CYNIC SAYS: The first two matches were basically “filler” in Vince’s eyes: the useless midcarders and the light weights had their moments. From there, it was the Attitude all star team, putting on an exciting and era-defining show. The topper: the babyface hero won in the end without chicanery, which was big when you consider that Starrcade 1997 ended with an indecisive Hogan/Sting match that SHOULD have been decisive.

This show is a hallmark moment in wrestling history, one that helped lead Vince’s army into a comeback, crushing WCW beneath their wheels and never looking back. Truly, this was the highlight of the Attitude era.

For a low light of the Attitude era, well, wait till I do my next rant. If you dare reading it.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 1 – 1985-1989 (I-V)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 2 – 1990-1994 (WrestleMania VI-X)

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!

-Greetings, brethren. Welcome to the first WWE WrestleMania of the Monday Night Wars era, which took place on March 31, 1996 at the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA. One thing you will discover for both this and WrestleMania 2000, which was in the same venue, is that Anaheim fans have a tendency to play dead at inopportune times. I theorized that they were all robots from some animatronic Disney parade and thus were deprived of emotions like elation, euphoria, and “Holy crap, why does Steve Blackman have a job?” I think maybe I judge the Anaheimers (Anaheimlickers?) too harshly.

-This was a watershed day for 12 year old Justin, as his childhood hero Shawn Michaels was either going to become WWE Champion for the first time, or fall short as he’d done in the past. I also watched the event alone, because my brother Josh had been boycotting WWF since Summerslam 1995 for having such a lousy product. He tuned in exclusively to WCW, which had the Dungeon of Doom. Lesson learned: Josh is a schmuck.

-Pre-show action including the Bodydonnas winning the Tag Team Tournament finals over the Godwinns, and The “Huckster” and “Nacho Man” both dying in their geriatric match. Six years later, that same senile Hulk Hogan would become WWF Champion, because Vince McMahon had buried most of the roster into oblivion. I can’t write comedy this good.

-Our hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler. While running down the card, Lawler brings up Forrest Lawn in reference to the Undertaker’s match with Diesel, and, for some reason, I get a mental image of a dead wrestler’s version of “Thriller”. Can you imagine Chris Candido and Louie Spicolli and Buddy Rose dancing in sync? “Cause it’s the filler! Filler fight! And we are out to job because it pays the bills, this is FIL-LERRRRRRR!”. Yeah, I’m going to Hell, but I’ll save your seat, since you laughed too.

-The opening contest is a six man tag, featuring Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson, and an increasingly frazzled Jake Roberts facing the impressive Camp Cornette, consisting of Vader, Owen Hart, and Davey Boy Smith. If Yoko’s team won, Yoko would get five minutes alone with Jim Cornette. You know,
I’ve made enough semi-humorous homosexual jokes for the first eleven WrestleManias, so I’m going to let this little sinker ball go without a swing.

-To say that Jake Roberts needs to wear a shirt at all times is a lot like saying that Ed Harris’ character in A History of Violence needs to wear grandpa-style sunglasses at all times.

-After Yokozuna launches Ahmed onto the heels, I wonder how far Ahmed would have gone if he wasn’t such an injury liability. He’s like what would happen if Vince told Bobby Lashley to imitate Suge Knight. Shame he injured himself and so many others, though.

-There’s nothing technically WRONG with this match, but it’s just meandering. There’s no real heat segment, and it’s like everyone’s just trying to “get their stuff in”. This is what Money in the Bank would look like in 1996. The thought of Yoko climbing a ladder is hilarious. The thought of Shelton Benjamin trying to do an over-the-ladder sunset powerbomb on Yoko is even more funny.

-Mr. Fuji is at ringside waving an American flag and I’m feeling queasy. And I’m American! Let’s just move on.

-Crowd comes to life for Jake, as he goes to town on Owen and Bulldog, and the fans scream for the DDT. Say what you will about WWE pushing has-beens, but the ones with enough residual heat to be fascinating still will always have a spot, especially if they can sell t-shirts and help mold the new generation. Hey, if Jake doesn’t spout his gospel here, what quote does Austin use at the King of the Ring coronation? Exactly.

-Jake lands the DDT on Owen, but wouldn’t you know it, Vader lays Jake out and squashes him with the Vaderbomb to give Camp Cornette the duke. Shame, because I wanted to see Yokozuna show us his Deliverance impression. Well, not really but still. I just don’t like Cornette, that’s all. Jim Cornette hated that last match, but didn’t make his opinion known until after Vince McMahon stopped paying him. Good to know.

-Now to the parking lot for the Hollywood Backlot Brawl between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Goldust. There’s no real way to end the match, but it’s strictly an excuse to have a wild brawl. Piper at this point was President (Good lord…) and was threatening to make a man out of Goldust. TOO MANY CHANCES TO MAKE THOSE KINDS OF JOKES! I wish I hadn’t blown my wads so soon! GAHHH, SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?

-So Goldust arrives in a gold Cadillac while wearing his ring attire (total pro), and Piper’s dressed like a crazed Arthur Fonzarelli. Piper attacks the car with a baseball bat and the fight is underway. I have to say, this is probably one of the most violent offerings yet seen in WWF. Between Goldust’s stiff shots and Piper’s go-for-broke swings with the bat, this looked as real as it could get. A few of Piper’s swings came dangerously close to Goldust’s head as well. Eat your heart out, ECW. Piper and Goldust are actually getting PAID.

-Question: it’s raining during this street fight, so why’s there a catering table outside? Wouldn’t that ruin the coffee and bagels? Just an observation.

-During the course of the match, Lawler utters the phrase “vintage Piper”. But he only says it once. C’mon, Jerry, that’s not going to be enough.

-Then we get the famed spot of Goldust running over Piper with his caddy, Piper falling off the hood, and then Goldust driving off. Piper then gets into a white Ford Bronco (oh crap….) and begins to give chase through the streets of Los Angeles. I think this was an aborted mission from GTA: Stamford Stories.

-Back to the arena now, as the fight will just have to continue later, hopefully before the show has ended. I wish there was a script in place so that we could make sure that—wait, there is? Oh, goodie!

-Dok Hendrix interviews Savio Vega and asks the all important question: “Savio, what does it feel like knowing that the only way you’ll get a push in this company is to overplay every Spanish stereotype there is?”. Ok, he didn’t ask that, but you know he was THINKING it.

-So it’s Savio Vega vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, pre-glass shatter, pre-knock off Rage Against the Machine music, pre-whoop-ass, pre-bottom line, pre-3:16, and pre-if you wanna see me set Vince on fire and then throw him into this gorge, give me a Hell Yeah. Instead, he’s an icy killer in the vein of Mickey Knox from Natural Born Killers. As opposed to being in the vein of Mike Knox from Natural Born Jobbers.

-Great line from Lawler, who is supposedly quoting Dibiase: “Have you noticed that the people who hate millionaires are the same people who buy lottery tickets?”. Sage words.

-Good give-and-take early on as the world’s forgotten just how good Savio was. He was a bit imposing with his stare, martial arts background, and build. I think he could definitely play the heel Carlito schtick. Shame he had his prime in this era.

-I should note that during this match, Piper apparently calls in from the chase, and we get “live” shots of the Bronco chasing after Goldust. Two things: one, this is silly. Two, they would NEVER in a million years cut away from one of Austin’s matches again to provide some silly fodder for another storyline.

-Just to prove that this is 1996, the Lou Thesz press gets zero reaction. Maybe the fans just hate Lou Thesz? He did marry a woman named Charlie, that’s enough reason to be weirded out by a dude.

-Referee Tim White gets bumped. I always thought Tim White reminded me of a flat-topped version of Dante from Clerks. Not sure why I mentioned it, but here it is anyway. Poor Tim White. Wasn’t even supposed to be here today.

-Austin smashes Savio’s head in with the Million Dollar Title, aka the best looking belt of all time, and then applies the Million Dollar Dream. Forgot “pre-Stunner” on the list. Dibiase revives White with a soda, and Savio’s out to give Austin the win. Big win for Stone Cold, but three months later, it would get even better….

-Another great line from Lawler, espousing more Dibiase wisdom: “The rich get richer; the poor get children!”

-More stock footage of “Piper” “chasing” “Goldust”. All we’re missing is Bob Orton as Al Cowlings. “THIS IS COWBOY! I HAVE PIPER IN THE TRUCK….BOB ORTON, YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS DAMMIT!”.

-Mr. Perfect interviews Diesel, who can’t hear Hennig over the size of his WCW contract. Cringe, Vince, cringe.

-Next up, a rather interesting match as it features the return of one Ultimate Warrior. He would be taking on someone making their WrestleMania debut, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, aka Triple H. At this point, Hunter had a different female escort to the ring each night, and in this case, it’s a rather comely blond by the name of Sable. Too. Many. Egos. In. One. Match.

-Warrior makes his grand return to a sizeable ovation, thus making the potential headache worth it for Vince, at least for tonight. Hunter attacks and manages to land the Pedigree…BUT WARRIOR GETS RIGHT UP! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOUR FINISHER IS A JOKE, HUNTER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WARRIOR NO SOLD IT, YOU DOPEY SUCKHOLER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-Sorry, but that felt good.

-Warrior finishes with the usual in about a minute and a half.

-Quick rant: Hunter would go on to kvetch and complain during the WrestleMania 2000 All-Day PPV event about this match, and his rant would reappear on Warrior’s burial DVD in 2005. Basically, he complains that Warrior didn’t do the match right, made Hunter look bad, and ruined the whole Mania experience for “The Game”. Reality time: Warrior needed to squash SOMEBODY in his return match. The match would have gone that way, regardless of the opponent, whether it was Hunter, 123 Kid, Bob Backlund, Jerry Lawler, Jeff Jarrett, or whoever. Hunter’s diatribe was meant to convince fans that Triple H meant something in 1996, when he was really just a heatless twig who latched onto the Kliq like an Ichabod Crane-looking parasite. To say that “Warrior ruined the experience” for him is an absolute joke, and more an exercise in post-relevance damage control. Hunter was a midcarder in 1996, and a very bland one. Nobody cared about Hunter until he inflated his physique and chained himself to Shawn Michaels on screen. Hunter’s just angry because Warrior will never return to WWE to return the favor. Point being: Warrior is the only man to beat Hunter and never lose to him, and that drives Jesus Almighty Paul Levesque insane. And I laugh.

-Moving on.

-Meanwhile, Todd introduces new WWF Superstar, Marc Marrow. Who? Oh, Marc MERO. Jeez, say it right you Pauly Shore wannabe. Mero wants us to look into his eyes. Ok, now what? Go into a trance and repeat “I will exploit dead wrestlers just to get on TV”? Oh wait, Hunter blames Sable for his loss and Mero defends her, leading to a pull-apart brawl that would be Mero’s first angle. When you rank the women that have escorted Hunter to the ring, in order of hotness, I think it goes, Sable, Stephanie (distant second), X-Pac, and Chyna.

-Remember, Mero jumped to WWF from WCW because he found WCW’s product to be distasteful. So he brought Sable with him to WWF and….should I really have to tell you the rest?

-More footage of the OJ chase. Do you think that for the money that Vince spent on obtaining the footage, he had to tell Duke Droese and Fatu “Sorry, we’re over budget and you’re being let go”?

-Next up, we have Diesel and The Undertaker in a match where the loser gets to go to WCW and help bury the company. Diesel informs us on camera that he is “the s^#t!”. Diesel would go on to become so lazy in WCW that he stopped saying the “the” part, and it somehow made more sense.

-Take note: we’re watching the first ever good match that Taker would have at Mania, as Diesel’s having a good stand-up brawl with him. That’s how you have a great match with Undertaker: stick him with an opponent that has a lot of signature moves, poses, and knows how to work the fans. Then Taker takes his best stuff and they piece together a match with all of the flair spots. When they’re not in the flair spots, they’re slugging it out in manly fashion. It’s such a simple formula, and it works every time. Take note: good matches aren’t about complicated moves. It’s about proper insertion and use of the big moves.

-Quick shout out to Wrestlecrap.com forum user Agent P, who is the latest winner of the “respond to my post first, win a mention in my column” contest. Good job, P. Thanks for reading.

-You know you’re watching a good Undertaker match when he takes time out of being a zombie to land a couple of cross bodies.

-Diesel hits a couple of Jackknife powerbombs, but Taker refuses to die. You can pretty much guess when someone’s on their way out when their finishing move is proven to be about as effective as a Swiss cheese condom. Undertaker goozles Diesel and prepares Big Daddy Cool for the inevitable.

-Flying clothesline? Check. Chokeslam? Check. Tombstone piledriver that spikes Diesel on his cranium? Check. The winner and now 5-0 at the big dance, The Undertaker. Really good match, one that reads like a primitive prototype for Taker’s matches with Batista. This wasn’t as fast paced, but it was definitely watchable and fun if you enjoy a good brawl. Diesel would stay motivated for about another six months before realizing “Hey, these Time Warner contracts are really cushy!”. Until that happens, BUY THE SHIRT!

-Meanwhile, Todd is stationed by a surveillance monitor, reporting that Goldust and Piper are nearing the arena. If that was Mean Gene, he would have said “Who’s driving erratically outside the Arrowhead Pond? Call the hotline and find out!”.

-So Piper chases Goldust back into the arena, rams the side of his car in a scary spot (you can even hear Vince audibly cringe), and the fight continues onward. They brawl backstage and even pass by Diesel (showing no ill effects, oops), and the fight spills into the arena. My question: where did they go? Did they stop at Sardis?

-As the fight makes it to the ring, the brawling becomes more intense. And by “intense”, I mean that Goldust repeatedly gropes Piper in very overt and non-ambiguous ways. This is the kind of match that drives Sarah Palin insane.

-Goldust puts a definitive coda on his twisted seduction by kissing Piper on the lips. Roddy then snaps, beats the hell out of Mr. Runnels, and strips his jumpsuit off to reveal black lingerie. If Goldust wanted to play mind games with Piper, he should have dressed as Bob Orton and followed him everywhere. Wait….Goldust’s brother is Cody Rhodes….Orton’s son is Randy…..Cody and Randy’s backstage segments have this bizarre sexual tension…..ummm. Can you guys give me a minute? I need to get a dustpan and broom, since I just blew my own mind.

-Piper kisses Goldust in return and destroys him to send him running, and technically “win” the match. Odd as it was, I have to admit it was entertaining. That’s all that matters, right? The real winner: ten year old Cody Rhodes, who learned from his brother’s folly and would grow to keep his sexual feelings more ambiguous. Yep.

-And now, the biggest match in my seven years as a fan: Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in a sixty minute iron man match for the WWF Title. I’d thrown a nearly full soda at the kitchen door one year earlier when Shawn lost to Diesel. This year? I had a whole case waiting in the fridge. Piss on me, Vince. My mom’s got a mop. Go ahead, try me.

-Nice training video shown for each man, complete with Bret being beaten up by his eighty year old dad, Stu. To be fair, Stu’s the white John Shaft. I don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to try him.

-So here’s the deal with the main event: there’s no way I can mock this match too deeply, given that it’s a near flawless scientific classic. On the other hand, I can’t make one hour of pure wrestling sound enthralling in a wordpad file, so there’s going to a LOT cut out for the sake of creating a fun read. So to anyone looking for a blow-by-blow of 62 minutes of wrestling, then my advance apologies.

-Shawn Michaels is introduced first, and manager/trainer/Hans Moleman’s biological father Jose Lothario comes out instead. This is, of course, a set up for Shawn making his grand entrance from a zipline above the arena. What would have happened if Shawn fell and was seriously hurt? How do you fill the next hour? I guess you could have Bret defend the title against someone else. That would be a hell of a conundrum, though.

-Earl Hebner gives miked up instructions for both Shawn and Bret, which is a nice touch, but I’m quivering with laughter when I consider that it’s those three in the ring together and Vince is at ringside. Hunter would be out here, but he’s too busy gluing his dignity together backstage.

-Two quick notes: one, for a crowd that’s as mostly dead as Anaheim is, I think you’ve run the wrong match type for the main event. Sixty minutes of straight wrestling? Biting off more than you can chew here. Also, in hindsight, I truly think Shawn Michaels was a better technical wrestler than Bret Hart. Bret may have been more precise, but Shawn seemed to display deeper variety (especially here) and seemed to have better improvisational skill. My opinion, of course.

-During the early going, Shawn keeps working over the arm with various armdrags and fujiwara holds while I paced around the room. I kept waiting for one man to strike first and get the first fall. Not knowing was making me tense.

-The match spills outside and we get the first big moment of drama: Shawn attempting Sweet Chin Music, Bret moving, and ringboy Tony Chimel getting wiped out instead. SICK shot for a non-wrestler to take. Gorilla Monsoon’s look of abject horror was to behold.

-The match turns into a shot for shot contest, with both men just hammering each other with stiff looking punches. Bret says in his book that Shawn was hitting him for real, but it’s okay with me. Bret was taking six months off to sit at home and film a long forgotten Western series, so I think that’s a little minor.

-Over twenty minutes in and we go back to the armwork some more. I have to admit, without me growing concerned about Shawn losing, this is starting to drag. I can’t slag it because it’s so precise, but geez, was this really the best course to go on? It’s no wonder WWF didn’t try another Iron Man match until 2000.

-Bret avoids Sweet Chin Music by sliding to the floor, so Shawn goes up the buckles and comes off with the Super Shawn crossbody. Finally, another moment of real drama. We’re only nearly thirty minutes into this thing, you know.

-Back inside and the Hitman begins to work the back. Bret hammers and clubs away, setting up for a potential Sharpshooter. Somehow, if Shawn had lost on a submission, I think my childhood would have ended that day, and I would have grown up to be a bitter, self-righteous, pious jerk who swore he was right about everything. Thankfully, I don’t think Wrestling Observer ever got my application.

-As an aside, McMahon and Lawler are absolutely on their game calling this one. Other than Lawler making a couple cracks about Stu Hart, they’ve dissected the match and explained every move and every action in minute detail. Kudos to both men.

-Shawn flips over the post and ends up landing on Jose Lothario. Good Moleman to you, Jose.

-Meanwhile, 12 year old Justin could barely watch. This is why WWF markets to 12 year olds: it’s an easier demographic to sell drama to. My sweaty brow certainly was buying into this.

-Many pin attempts later, and still no fall. We’re three quarters of the way through and still no pins. Insane. Then Bret lands his through-the-ropes suicide dive and the fans are on their feet. Getting closer.

-Shawn gets his patented forearm and kip up, and I watch as Shawn hits about twelve big moves in a row and is unable to pin Bret. DAMN IT ALL! Bret just won’t die! Vince, PLEASE ring the bell! I’m begging you!

-Now we’re under a minute to go and Shawn’s slooooowly climbing the buckles. Please please please please……CRAP! BRET CATCHES SHAWN IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! I distinctly remember my skin color turning Sheamus-white at this point.

-The bell sounds without Shawn giving up and it’s apparently a draw at 0-0. I was speechless. And then Monsoon conferred with Finkel and it’s announced that we’re going to sudden death! YES! Of course, with my luck, Bret just rolls in and pins the exhausted Shawn. I had a bad feeling.

-So Bret’s pissed about having to do 2 more minutes of work, but he gets in there and lays a beating on Shawn’s back some more. Finally, a cross corner whip sees Shawn catapult himself over Bret and land the Sweet Chin Music. I screamed at my TV like those rednecks on Youtube who got mad at CM Punk at Extreme Rules 2009. Of course, I was 12. Don’t judge me.

-Finally, it happens: Bret stands and is wobbly, and Shawn pastes him with a second Music for the pin and his first WWF World Title. Great, great match that you have to watch in the right context to fully appreciate. Shawn can barely celebrate with a smile, because he’s so exhausted and trying to mask his tears. All of Shawn’s hard work (and maybe a little schmoozing) paid off.

-I went to bed that night with a wide smile on my face. Because back then, I wasn’t the cynical smark that I am now. I was just a kid who wanted to see his favorite wrestler win the big one. And he did. And THAT is why I have no problem with WWE marketing to kids these days: when those kids watch John Cena or Rey Mysterio or Undertaker or DX or anyone else that they love win the big match, they have a very happy moment that brings them back. I should know. This was mine.

-CYNIC SAYS: Six matches, but let’s break it down: Shawn and Bret is an all time classic. Diesel/Taker and Austin/Savio were both well above average. The backlot brawl was entertaining crap that didn’t detract from things in the least. The opening six man tag was fun, if disjointed. And who doesn’t love to see Hunter get crushed in ninety seconds?

It’s hard to find fault with this show other than the notions that it was in a bad time period, the crowd was quiet, and it was short on match quantity. Watching this show for two hours and forty five minutes is not punishment at all, and I would wholeheartedly declare this to be the most underrated WrestleMania in history. It’s not a one match show at all. It’s a show with one great match and a damn fine supporting cast.

If you wanna see a one match show, wait till my next review.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 1 – 1985-1989 (I-V)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 2 – 1990-1994 (WrestleMania VI-X)

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!