This Monday marks the return of one of pro wrestling’s biggest icons. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin will return to WWE RAW to run the show and raise a little hell for one night only. It was a decade ago when Steve Austin’s hell raising was a regular part of our Monday night pro wrestling culture. Tonight, Austin will undoubtedly dish out some stunners and bring the chaos to a WrestleMania Rewind edition of WWE RAW.
To sit here and recall all of the great WWE RAW moments and matches featuring Steve Austin would take forever. For me, there wasn’t a night where Steve Austin appeared on WWE RAW that wasn’t memorable. Rather than list them all, I want to take a look at just five of memorable WWE RAW moments from the Texas Rattlesnake. Crack a cold one and light one up, because Stone Cold is about to open a can of five memorable moments on you’re a$%.
Steve Austin stuns Vince McMahon in Madison Square Garden, 1997. This was the catalyst to the classic Austin-McMahon feud. Mr. McMahon had yet to arrive, as fans were still accustomed to watching the slicked back hairdo of interviewer Vince McMahon. However, Vince had lifted up his veil more than ever before and was readily acknowledging his role as the man who runs the WWE.
It was just a few months ago where Owen Hart dropped Steve Austin on his head and put him out of commission for months. Owen Hart was in the ring giving a speech, when an enraged Steve Austin hit the ring. Five NYPD officers tried to stop Stone Cold. Vince McMahon then stepped into the ring and played “compassionate McMahon” and explained to Steve that he was still injured and couldn’t compete. McMahon’s compassion was met with a Stone Cold Stunner. Austin was led away in handcuffs in a moment that is generally regarded as the most memorable moment in all of WWE RAW history.
Steve Austin says hello to Mike Tyson, 1998. This was voted on WWE.com as the fifth most memorable moment in all of WWE RAW history. It was a transitional time for the WWE. The Attitude Era was taking over and the company was finally starting to make strides against WCW. Some point to this angle as the single most important angle to the turnaround in the Monday Night Wars and the next several years of monster business.
Mike Tyson was brought to RAW and introduced as the enforcer for the upcoming WrestleMania XIV match between Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels. Tyson came to the ring with an entourage and was paid several accolades by Vince McMahon. Steve Austin then hit the ring to McMahon’s displeasure. Austin went off on a rant which ended with Austin looking Mike Tyson in the eyes and popping him the one-finger salute on both hands. Mike Tyson and Steve Austin shoved each other and all hell broke loose. McMahon yelled that Austin “ruined it”, and Steve Austin was on his way to becoming the biggest star in the pro wrestling business.
Brian Pillman pulls a gun on Steve Austin, 1996. Over a decade later and this is still one of the most talked about moments in WWE RAW history. While this controversial moment aired on RAW, it actually took place off-site. The scene of the crime was actually the home of Brian Pillman.
After shattering Brian Pillman’s ankle in the ring, Austin drove to Pillman’s house. Austin fought Pillman’s neighbors to make his way into the house. WWE RAW had a satellite feed into the house set up for a Pillman interview. Austin broke down the door and came face-to-face with a psychotic Brian Pillman in a chair. Pillman then pulled a gun, fired shots, and the screen went blank.
The WWE tried to replicate the angle a few times, never successfully. Recently as last year, the WWE tried to reproduce a similar angle involving Triple H breaking into Randy Orton’s house. For some reason, none of the attempts at similar angles since have been anywhere close to as memorable as the original between the two Hollywood Blondes.
Steve Austin’s Beer Bash, 1999. This was listed as the second most memorable moment in all of WWE RAW history on WWE.com. This was during the day’s Vince McMahon’s “Corporation” where Vince and Shane McMahon were proud to have The Rock as the WWE champion. Vince was interviewing The Rock live in the ring on WWE RAW when a glass crashed and a huge Coors Light truck made its way to the ring. The driver of the truck was none other than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
After weeks of being jerked around by Vince McMahon, Austin had enough. Austin drove into the arena, got on top of the truck, and cut a pre-WrestleMania XV promo on The Rock. Austin then offered to share a pre-match beer with The Rock that turned out to be a memorable beer bath. Austin sprayed The Rock and the McMahons with beer from the hose and tore the house down. Austin then capped it off with a traditional double one-finger salute to the Great One.
Steve Austin pulls a gun on Vince McMahon, 1998. This was a memorable Steve Austin moment that surprisingly didn’t make the WWE.com Top 15 Memorable RAW Moments. Steve Austin had recently been fired by Vince McMahon, and well…he wasn’t going quietly.
Austin stalked McMahon throughout the evening on WWE RAW. Austin finally called Vince in his office and told him that his “time was up.” As Vince McMahon (in a wheelchair) was getting into his limo little did he know that the Texas Rattlesnake was waiting for him in the back of the car. McMahon tried to roll away in his wheelchair to no avail. Austin then took McMahon hostage. The night culminated with Austin wheeling McMahon to the center of the ring. Austin brought a hysterically crying Vince McMahon to his knees, stood behind him, and pulled out a gun. Austin put the gun to Vince’s head, pulled the trigger, and a flag that read, “Bang 3:16″ popped out. McMahon was further humiliated by peeing in his pants as Austin pulled the trigger. Austin topped the night off with a Stunner and a great deal of revenge had on his former boss, Vince McMahon.
And that’s the bottom line, because the Camel Clutch Blog said so.
-For the remaining nine reviews, since they’re all 4 hours (and one is 5), I’ll be chopping out a little bit of quantity to make it my standard 4000+ word format. Which is a shame because for this show, I want to rant forever.
-Who was the April Fool on April 1, 2001 as we come to you from the Reliant Astrodome in Houston, TX for WWEWrestleMania X-Seven? Well, Vince had just bought WCW so they were finished, and ECW was days away from its bankruptcy hearing, so the biggest non-fool was Vince. Wait, why am I wasting time? I only have 4000 words to tell you that this is the greatest wrestling show in the history of time, so let’s just do it!
-Your hosts are Jim Ross and Paul Heyman, who had taken over for Jerry Lawler one month prior when Lawler quit the company. He quit in protest because WWE fired his girlfriend, the one who three months later ran off with an indie guy and publically disgraced “The King”. Boy, you can imagine THAT was embarrassing.
-No America the Beautiful or national anthem. Given the events that occurred five months later, do you really think WWE is a patriotic company, or just cashing in on jingoistic trends? You can guess my point of view.
-We start with the IC Title match, as Chris Jericho defends against then-commissioner William Regal. Jericho besmirched Regal by peeing in his tea, so Regal besmirched him back by kicking the snot out of him. That’s exactly how Magnum TA and Tully Blanchard got started.
-I miss the days before Regal discovered tanning, when every babyface opponent he had would light him up with chops just to redden his chest. Hunter can try that now with Sheamus, to see if the chest will match the hair.
-A lot of fan pinfall attempts, which leads one to think that this isn’t going to be a very long match. Everybody get your stuff in now!
-Regal slams Jericho into the exposed turnbuckle a couple of times, but Jericho basically shakes the pain off and hits the run-up enzuigiri. Of the eleven matches on this card, I think this is definitely the best opener choice. You can cut it short, and nobody gets upset about it. It’s also two pros that can bring the massive crowd to life in the early going, so good choices all around.
-Jericho lands a lionsault and remembers that his shoulder’s supposed to be hurt before covering Regal to keep the gold. Good seven minute opener that did what it had to do, and we’re off to a good start.
-Shane McMahon arrives in a limo. Forget Triple H and Stephanie, is Shane the biggest Jericho hater in the McMahon army? He can’t even show up in time for his match on the biggest night of the year, and he owns STOCK in the company!
-Next up, in a moderate “Get everybody on the show” attraction, Tazz and the APA take on Right to Censor members Val Venis, The Goodfather, and Bull Buchanan. Remember when Bradshaw used to have to get heat with his patriotic Texas boy suck-up rants? He has to namedrop Nolan Ryan here to get the crowd behind him, even though he’s fighting three tools in dress clothes who want to get rid of sex and violence. Tough times for JBL.
-Match is basically just an exhibition to keep the crowd noise on life support as we progress into the bigger matches. The only real spot of note is Tazz missing the top rope on a whip because he’s about 4′7”. Tazz can speak in that angry voice all he wants, but I still laughed.
-Bradshaw finishes a quick one with the Clothesline From Hell on Goodfather. At least the faces won, which keeps the fans happy. Can you believe that on the face team, you have a WWE Champion, WCW Champion, and ECW Champion? I couldn’t believe it either.
-Just a quick side note: the greatest character in wrestling history is comatose Linda McMahon. Seriously, she’s so lifeless, how does she DO it? Oh, that’s just how she really is?
-To give the crowd a violence appetizer before TLC later, Raven defends the Hardcore Title against Kane and Big Show. This is notable because Show’s late getting to the ring, and JR goes on a worked-shoot tangent about how Show can’t make a living off of potential, that he has to get it done in the ring. Man, when a guy who’s known for making barbecue references in every third sentence calls you a lazy mook, then maybe you should get ye a treadmill.
-After brawling backstage through the sea of people, Kane and Raven keep the tempo alive while Show sulks behind. Alright, JR, you were right.
-Show tries to lock himself and Raven in an enclosure, but Kane just rips the door off. Hey Show, if Kane can tear off the Hell in a Cell door, this should be a cinch. For a bonus, Kane throws Raven through a window. That’s enough to earn Kane the Mike Mizanin “I Came to Play” award.
-Then comes the golf cart chase, as Raven tries to drive off and he and Show barrel into the chain link fence, then Kane follows with the referee and proves to be a smooth driver, not unlike Mike Myers in the original Halloween. Then he runs over Raven’s leg. Well, ouch.
-Finally, Raven gets put out of his misery when the fight spills back onto the stage, and Kane kicks him and Show off through a side platform. Then Kane leaps off and covers Show for the win and the title. It seemed like it was just going to be filler at first, but it turned into quite the exciting little match. I enjoyed it.
-Kurt Angle’s too busy watching a match with he and Chris Benoit to have seen Raven’s effort in the last match. Well, that’s just selfish. Also, The Rock arrives now, just to spite the undercard. Screw Bull Buchanan, who’d he ever beat?
-Up next is the European Title, as Test defends against Eddie Guerrero. Hoo boy, is this match just plain creepy now. At least Perry Saturn’s hat cheers me up.
-Eddie does what he does best, and he sells for Test and his power display. Question: Why do we refer to Eddie Guerrero as “Eddie” but Chris Benoit as “Benoit”? Is it because “Guerrero” is too complicated to spell for some people? It’s a surname, for chrissakes, let’s just learn it. GUERRERO does what he does best. There, I broke the habit.
-Now to spice things up a bit, Test gets his ankle caught in the ropes, and they have to spend 60 seconds figuring out how to free him, getting a big ovation when they finally do. It’s the biggest pop Test got post-1999, so it’s definitely a banner night for all.
-Dean Malenko runs out to speed things things along, since he wants to see the Benoit/Angle match, so he helps Saturn distract Test, allowing Guerrero to hit Test with the European title for the win and the gold. Decent match, but just was there to get everyone involved. First heel win of the night.
-Mick Foley promises to call tonight’s Vince and Shane match right down the middle. Yeah, like Mick has a reason to be biased against Vince.
-Now for something a little more serious: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit in a straight up one on one match. This is the first time in WWE history that I can recall two men doing the mat-wrestling stalemate sequence to begin a match, and getting a tremendous ovation for it. I like the story here, as Benoit keeps scaring Angle with the Crossface, and Kurt’s nerves lead to him falling into other Benoit moves. The psychology’s always sound with these two.
-Angle takes control, dominating Benoit on the outside and then pummeling him with suplexes inside. They were really beginning to get Angle over as a mat machine, you know, before he and Austin became unlikely best friends. Badges?
-Angle gets his belly to belly suplexes, and Benoit comes back with the rolling Germans. I think we have the first match of the night candidate. Sorry, Raven and Jericho, you’re out of the running.
-Now for a staple of WWE at the time: mind-screw submission holds, as Benoit applies Angle’s own anklelock, and Angle manages to get his own version of the Crossface. Crowd’s enjoying themselves too. Maybe there’s hope for Daniel Bryan yet.
-After a ref bump, Benoit gets Angle in his own Crossface, and Angle of course taps without an official. Story of Benoit’s life. As Benoit goes to maybe blow a snot rocket on the dead ref, Angle gets an Angle Slam for 2. After Benoit gets the diving headbutt, but when Benoit tries for a German, Angle goes low and gets a complicated rollover to win. Great match, and it told the characters’ stories to a tee: one is great, but the other is greater when he cheats. I’m enjoying myself all over again.
-Psuedo intermission segment where the following happens: Kamala destroys Regal’s office, footage is shown at the Fort Hood rally (RIP to those who perished in the recent shooting), and Benoit beats up Angle backstage and makes him tap.
-Ivory defends the Women’s title against Chyna, and since I have disdain for both performers, let’s just say that Chyna dresses like some demented version of a Bratz doll and beats Ivory in three minutes to win the title. Remember when Chyna said that belt was beneath her? So do I. She’d be gone within months to realize her true calling: incomprehensible walking meltdown for the Howard Stern fringe crowd. Always good to see someone realize their potential.
-Vince promises that tonight, we’re going to get “shocking”. I hate it when he promises surprises. He’d be a great evil dad in horror movies, though. “You wanna go for a ride? I’ll take you….for a ride….heh heh heh heh….”
-So it’s Vince and Shane in a street fight, which began when Shane defended Linda’s honor after Vince cheated on her publicly with Trish. Stephanie sided with Vince because of the whole Elektra complex. Shane then bought WCW before his dad could, just to show that he could run something as doomed to fail as the XFL. Foley’s the ref, just because. Linda’s in a wheelchair doing her best acting over. Trish is here too. Got all that?
-Shane gives a shoutout to his WCW homies in the skybox. LANCE STORM! HE FINALLY MADE IT TO WrestleMania! I wonder if he’s writing down notes on how horrible this show is. He’s like Comic Book Guy with a six pack.
-The brawl spills to the floor, where Shane bashes his dead with a metal sign, and then some SICK shots with a kendo stick that was under the ring. Good God, can Vince take a beating or what? Say what you will, but in these matches, he seems to have some sort of endurance level that can’t be obtained by mere mortals. I mean, Shane is just PASTING him, not even holding back. I’m loving it.
-Know who’s needed in the skybox? Ted Turner, just so he can mark out TOO hard when Shane beats his dad with assorted weapons. That would be a hallmark moment.
-By the way, Heyman’s unabashed devotion to cheering Vince is insanely funny, and it sounds like the ranting of someone who desperately needs money. Funny because it’s true.
-So Shane wipes out through the Spanish commentary table as Stephanie pulls her dad off of it. Shane gets to play dead for the next five minutes or so as Trish brings Linda out in the wheelchair. Now comes the fun stuff.
-Trish slaps Vince to signal a face turn, and then she and Stephanie get into a fun catfight that Foley tries to break up. Scrooge. Trish finally chases Steph to the locker room, and that’s when Vince spots Linda at ringside. His mouthing of a certain obscenity is a great moment.
-Vince smashes Mick with a chair as Foley tries to get Linda to safety. He brings Linda inside and sits her in the corner, so she can watch as he punishes Shane further. After landing a couple trash can shots, Vince gets cocky before doing the third, and is oblivious to Linda standing up (to a CRAZY pop). Vince turns and she kicks him right in the Genetic Jackhammer. Then Foley beats Vince up, and then Shane lands the Shane Terminator (corner to corner dropkick, into a trash can into Vince’s face) for the win. THIS is the template for “overbooked crap” that we need more of. Just insanely fun stuff, and it still holds up even today. Hell, the whole SHOW is holding up.
-Backstage, Undertaker warms up for his eventual match by shadow boxing. That’ll work off the pork rinds if you do enough of them.
-In case that the last match wasn’t enough of an insane spotfest, here’s something to take things up another notch: the Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match between Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, The Hardy Boyz, and Edge and Christian. Difference between this and last year is that this year, there’s no crappy show to have to kick into high gear.
-Much like last year, they get the poetry in motion and the Wazzzzzup drops out of the way, just to get to the bigger stuff in a flurry. I wholeheartedly support this idea.
-Here’s a sick one for you: both Hardyz slide into a ladder, knocking the Dudleyz against the guardrail. I have to say, the dark sky peeking in through the dome makes it feel like that this match is taking place at WrestleMania VI. I’d love to see the Rockers, Harts, and Demolition in one of these matches. Crap, I just blew my own mind.
-“D-VON…..GET THE TABLES!” And with that, a two wide, two high stack of four tables is set up in the aisleway. Anyone else think they’ll get used? I do.
-And just like last year, all six men climb a set of three ladders for a race-spot, and all six men tumble off in painful fashion. It was times like this when WWE really knew their audience.
-To add a new wrinkle to this year’s match, all three teams have an ally that makes his or her presence felt. As Edge climbs to get the belts, Spike Dudley runs in and nails him with the Dudley Dog. After Spike gives Christian one as well, Rhyno comes in and accosts Jeff Hardy on behalf of E&C. Then Edge tries going up again, and Lita runs in to pull him down. Jim Ross utters “Lita….jerkin’ Edge off” and then pauses before saying “the ladder!”. I’m immature, I know, but what are you going to do about it?
-Lita creams Spike with a sickening chair shot and then removes her top, just get hit with 3D. Anybody else miss her protruding thong?
-Jeff decides that now is a good time to be insane, as he uses the painter’s ladder to Swanton off and put Rhyno and Spike through at ringside. That whacky Jeff, always living for the moment.
-Then with Bubba and Matt on another painter’s ladder, Rhyno shoves it, sending both men flying through the table tower in the aisle in what I feel is the greatest table bump EVER. Prove me wrong, readers.
-Finally, Edge prevents D-Von from climbing, and Rhyno lifts Christian in an electric chair lift, pushing him up the ladder so that he can grab the belts for the win. Off the charts insanity that topped last year’s match, and the truncated length definitely helped. Great effort from everyone involved.
-Howard Finkel (#17!) announces the crowd at 67,925 which makes me feel all nostalgic for 1990 and WrestleMania VI. Then Limp Bizkit’s “My Way” plays. Well, that ruined the feeling. Still, it’s Fred Durst’s best song, so huzzah.
-And now for the gimmick battle royal, with Mean Gene Okerlund and Bobby Heenan returning to do commentary. The participants are The Bushwhackers, Duke Droese, Iron Sheik, Earthquake, Doink, The Goon, Kamala, Kim Chee, Repo Man, Jim Cornette, Nikolai Volkoff, Michael PS Hayes, One Man Gang, Gobbeldy Gooker, Tugboat, Hillbilly Jim, Brother Love, and Sgt. Slaughter. Somewhere, RD Reynolds had a tear in his eye. And it wasn’t because he knew he’d one day employ Blade Braxton.
-What follows is three minutes of bad brawling, but who cares? It was FUN. Sheik finally wins it after dumping Hillbilly, and then Slaughter runs in to apply the Cobra Clutch on the winner. Watch out Slaughter, he’ll do a Youtube shoot on you for that one.
-Hooray for the patron saint of camelclutchblog.com. YOU VILL BE HUM-BELLED!
-MOTORHEAD! Sure, Lemmy can’t do the words to Triple H’s theme right, but it’s ok. Chill-inducing rendition of “The Game”, as we lead into the semi-main event of The Undertaker and Triple H, streak vs. nostrils. The feud featured Hunter’s most bad ass moment ever, when he took Taker down backstage, put a chair over his throat, and then sat on it while taunting him. Good stuff.
-Spanish announce table #2 goes in a hurry, thanks to HHH. Good to see Hunter keep his dad-in-law’s pro American stance alive.
-Back inside, after a SMALL ref bump, Taker is pissed when Mike Chioda counts slow, so Taker simply destroys him and knocks him out. With an elbow drop. For 10 minutes. If you heard two sounds of gunfire at this point, that was tranq darts being fired at Cornette backstage and Storm in the skybox. Just shut up, you two.
-The two men then brawl through the crowd and over to the production tower, which is a unique situation for a wrestling match. The two men fight in there, and Undertaker proceeds to chokeslam him out of it. SICKNESS! Well, until they show the replay, where Hunter landed on about 7 feet of padded foam. Eh well, looked nice at first.
-Back to the ring after the extended crowd brawl, and Chioda is still out. That was some elbow drop.
-After some tomfoolery with the sledgehammer, Taker is unable to connect after a low blow. Then to get all nostalgic, Taker lands a tombstone for 2. CHIODA’S ALIVE! I’m relieved.
-Taker then tries for the Last Ride, but Hunter grabs the sledge and bashed the Dead Man’s scalp on the way up. He busts him open, but it only gets 2. Hunter then tries to punch Taker in the corner, but puts himself in position for his Last Ride to make Taker 9-0. Really great brawl, as you’d expect from these two. Ten matches in, and I haven’t even stopped for a piss break. And I’m watching this at 11 PM at night, with work the next day at 1 PM. Ya rly!
-Austin-Rock highlight package set to “My Way”. Austin said he HAD to win this match. Question is, just what will Austin do to ensure victory?
-Crowd is 80-20 in favor of Steve Austin, who is the home state hero. The Rock was the WWE Champion, and you wondered how they were going to end this. I’ll bet nobody watching guessed it right.
-Finkel did announce that it was no DQ, which is apparently shocking. You mean after a match where Taker flagrantly beats up the referee, they just threw the rulebook out? Absurd!
-Both men slug it out early and they bust out the classic moves, namely Austin with his Thesz press and middle finger elbow. You can sense the desperation from Austin here.
-They brawl into the crowd, like everyone else has done tonight. I think even Finkel and timekeeper Mark Yeaton went over the railing at one point.
-Austin dominates in the early going, which is consistent with the “I need to win” motif that he has, believing that it’s all over for himself if he loses. It’s those subtle character hints that WWE does better than anyone else. Are you listening, Dixie?
-Austin gets a superplex for 2 and then removes the turnbuckle pad, but Rock comes back to shift the momentum. They fight to the outside and Austin busts him open with the ringbell. Austin’s not going down without a fight.
-Austin works the cut as much as he can, and brings Rock back in to try and bash him into the exposed buckle, but Rock blocks and fires with lefts and rights to stop Austin in his tracks. After the two men jostle for control, it’s Austin who, ironically, eats the steel buckle. Then Rock repays him by waffling him with the ring bell. Tremendous, cerebral stuff, with a big time feel.
-With Austin now bleeding and Rocky now firmly in charge, the champ works the open cut and both men are fighting to stay alive. On the outside, Austin shifts the momentum yet again and slingshots Rock into the post, before bashing him with a TV monitor. At this point, the eventual winner was still not evident.
-Austin tries for a Stunner, but Rock takes him down and slaps on the sharpshooter. Reminiscent of four years earlier, Austin is bloodied, but will not give up. Austin uses the ropes for escape, and then wraps Rock up with his own Sharpshooter. The implied one-upsmanship on display here is incredible, and is a testament to both’s men abilities.
-Austin manages to get a Million Dollar Dream, but Rock uses the Bret Hart pushoff counter to get 2. Then Vince McMahon comes to ringside. But….but why?
-Rock takes down Austin with a spinebuster and then lands the People’s Elbow, but it only gets 2 when….Vince breaks up the pin? This was all so fresh and baffling. Why would Vince be helping Austin in the World Title match?
-Then after Austin lands a Rock Bottom on its owner, he gets 2, and then gives Rock an emphatic low blow. Then Austin….requests a chair from Vince? Vince….obliges?
-From here, Austin and Vince proceed to double team Rock in a truly surreal sequence. After Rock manages a kickout, he gives Austin a Rock Bottom, but Vince prevents a count. Rock pulls Vince into the ring, but Austin stuns Rock, getting only 2! AMAZING.
-Now we get the big finish: Austin destroys Rock with chair shot after chair shot while Vince barks out encouragement. In all, Rock takes about two dozen chair shots to the chest, gut, back, and hips as his body just simply gives out and Austin pins him to win the title. Austin and Vince celebrate with a beer, a handshake, and then Austin lays out Rock with the title to pull the trigger on his shocking heel turn. Excellent match to cap off an excellent show and, although the heel turn proved to be ineffective, the concept was interesting, and it added a new dimension to the character’s psyche: Austin felt his end was coming soon, and he had to do everything he could to hold his main event spot to prevent becoming an afterthought. Brilliant idea, but it just didn’t work.
-Limp Bizkit plays us out of here with a beautiful montage to “My Way”. I have to say, that might be my favorite WrestleMania song ever. And I HATE Fred Durst!
-CYNIC SAYS: Ho. Lee. Crap. I don’t think Vince McMahon, even with a perfect roster and a huge wave of momentum, could ever top this show. It was perfect from start to finish, and everything had a purpose. Those purposes were thusly served to perfection. Four matches you could make an argument were four stars are better: the technical masterpiece (Benoit/Angle), the wild soap opera (Vince/Shane), the insane spotfest (TLC), the mano y mano brawl (HHH/Taker), and the battle of the larger than life immortals (Rock/Austin).
This show is regarded as the end of the Attitude era, but what a way for it to go out. WWEE has not seen heights like this since, and although it may again one day, it’ll take a lot to convince me that it’s as good as this card. What’s left to say?
Oh, I know.
POSITIVE. FIVE. STARS!
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
-So it’s March 28, 1999, and we’re live from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA, where tonight…..you know….I can’t do this.
-I can’t sit here and write a positive rant about a show that I abhorred. It took place forty minutes from my house, though I didn’t attend, but I was still looking forward to the first Philly WWE WrestleMania. And it sucked. Bad. Vince Russo’s fingerprints were smeared all over this show and it reeked of overbooked crap. It festers even more so eleven years later, because the Attitude era is over, and most appeal that this show had is long gone.
-So I won’t be reviewing this crappy show.
-SWERVE! I’ll review it, I’m just pulling your chain. Russo executes his swerves about 35 seconds after the initial presentation, so I figured I’d do the same. Seemed appropriate.
-Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. Jim Ross was afflicted with Bell’s palsy three months before this show, and his face was still worse for wear. So instead of visual horror, we get verbal horror. To be fair, I’d actually wager that Cole only sucks when he’s with Lawler. Cole was fun with JBL and Tazz, and is doing alright with Josh Mathews now on NXT. Whereas Lawler dragged down JR for a few years until Ross found his temporary groove doing the Rumble matches with Tazz. Makes ya go “Hmmmm”.
-To kick things off, it’s the first ever Hardcore Title match in WrestleMania history, as Badd Ass Billy Gunn defends against Hardcore Holly and Al Snow. Gunn was actually interspersed in the IC Title arc and partner Road Dogg was supposed to be here, but Russo switched them around. You know, just because. Kinda like how he wanted WCW to get rid of the ring. Just because. He still has a job with TNA as of this writing. Just because. I’m going to beat this joke into the ground, Russo-style. Just because.
-Typical hardcore stuff for the time period, including some miscellaneous weapons and a hockey stick from Snow, prompting a “LET’S GO FLYERS” chant. Yes, let’s go Flyers. Let’s lose to the Devils in a year after having a 3-1 lead and watch as Scott Stevens turns Eric Lindros’ brain to horse feed. Ah, my youth was great. Except for having to watch shows like this.
-Hey, a springboard off of the chair onto Gunn in the corner by Snow. C’mon, Al, what do you think this is, a wrestling show?
-Hey it’s table time! Gunn BLASTS Holly with a chair shot, and then hip tosses Snow through the table. The crowd is alive! Wait for it….
-Gunn gets the Fame Asser, but Heatless Holly hits him with a chair and covers Snow to win the title, killing the crowd. Speaking of killing the crowd, remember when Holly and Gunn formed the most boring tag team of all time in 2004 on Smackdown? Neither does anyone else, since no one watched at that point. Match was ok, but nothing fresh.
-D-Lo Brown and Test won a battle royal on the pre-show to earn a shot at the Tag Team Titles against Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett on this show. D-Lo and Test don’t even have an issue here to exploit. At the very least, Test could have said “I’ll bet I have less charisma than Ivory!” and D-Lo could say “Yeah, probably”. Screw it, I can’t think of anything either.
-This is the final WrestleMania for both Owen and Jarrett. Owen, of course, died 2 months later in a fall before his scheduled match, and Jarrett fell off the face of the Earth in October, not having been heard from since. Rumor has it that if you close your eyes and listen close at night, you can hear Jarrett in the distance saying things like “Another reign for me won’t kill the business!’. I beg to differ.
-So sing it with me: argue argue argue, do a move, do a move, argue some more, it’s a douubbbbbble-teeeeeeeeeam, and Owen and Jarrett winnnnnnnnnnnnn! I’m doing jazz hands, but you can’t see them. D-Lo and Test would go on to….not feud. Not making the most out of an angle that began at WrestleMania? Russo, that’s brilliant!
-Highlights of the boxing prowess of both Butterbean and Bart Gunn, as they head into the Brawl for All, and Bean’s last contractual obligation with Titan land. You know, some people look back on the Attitude era with a much more bitter taste, since their natural maturation into adulthood has rendered the childish and piggish elements of this period moot. However, to watch Bart’s trainers in the video say that Bart’s going to win, while keeping straight faces, might shatter the wrestling hilarity scale. I’m willing to make such a scale if anyone’s willing to help.
-Among the judges: one hit boxing wonder Chuck Wepner, former Mike Tyson trainer Kevin Rooney, and the one and only Gorilla Monsoon, in his last major WWE appearance before his death six months later. Miss ya, Gino.
-Vinnie Pazienza is the ref. All of this is kinda pointless, since Bean puts Gunn down twice in 36 seconds, including a MURDEROUS final shot. Goodbye, Gunn. Have fun in Japan. All that’s left to note is that Cole calls Lawler “The Fight Doctor”, thus making him the only doctor in WWE history to never be investigated in a drug scandal. Other scandals, sure, but not drug.
-Mankind talks about his lifelong dream of refereeing the main event of WrestleMania. Calm down now, Mickles, not all of us can be Mike Chioda. Sometimes reaching for the stars only gets your fingers singed off.
-Speaking of the refereeing gig, it’s up for grabs in a match between Mankind and Big Show next. Show was aligned with the corporation, and horse sense indicated that Show would do anything he could to win and then, later, help Rock retain the gold to keep it in the family. Hey, Keep it In the Family, that’s an Anthrax song! Appropriate, since everytime Show comes to the ring, I get physically ill.
-Show was really beginning to slow down at this point, as his last year in WCW was the time where his body started to bloat and his work ethic gave way. Remember when Rock would do those “Well it’s the Big Slow!!!!” promos? Worked shoots, to say the least.
-Mankind manages to lock on the Socko claw, but Show finds an escape with a piggyback and backward dive, crushing Mick hard into the canvas. If Show did that in 2006, Foley would not only be dead, but the first three rows would be splattered by viscera. Not the wrestler, the material.
-Now, with Show in control, you’d think he’d just simply brutalize him for the win, right?
-Well, Show decides to get a couple chairs, set them up in the ring, and chokeslam Foley onto them. The problem? Show was too lazy to bump the ref, and it’s a DQ win for Mick. Vince comes out and demands to know why Show would do something so stupid. My guess is that if Show won, he’d have to work twice, and ain’t no way that’s going to happen. So Vince slaps Show, and Show decks him. See, Show’s trying to get fired so he can collect unemployment! Lazy giant.
-We move ahead to the IC Title match where Road Dogg defended against Val Venis, Ken Shamrock, and Goldust. The other object of affection here was Ken’s gorgeous sister, Ryan. So who got her? Ken did! Okay, they weren’t REALLY siblings, but it’s still funny to think about. Kind of a Carol and Greg Brady thing there.
-Goldust and Val tangle for a bit, as I remind myself that these two feuded over Terri just six months earlier and it’s a forgotten point here. What was the deal with…oh right, Russo writing, gotcha.
-I should note that Blue Meanie is in Goldust’s corner tonight, and is I believe my only facebook friend to ever appear at a WrestleMania. Unless the rumor about Eric Darsie being one of Undertaker’s druids is true.
-This is kind of a weird match, as it’s technically solid, but nothing interesting is happening. You have a huge love triangle thingie going with Ryan involving some of the players here, and it’s all just structured, textbook wrestling. It’s like Orton vs. HHH from WM25, where you had soap opera opportunities out the wazoo and they made it a slow paced 1 on 1 encounter. It just doesn’t work.
-Shamrock and Val take a double count out for the first set of eliminations. I don’t think the feud ever settled between the two, and that this was the end. Shamrock turned face not long afterward, and Val….well, he kinda lost all character momentum. The number of careers that Vince Russo has effected is leaving me incredulous. He’s like wrestling tuberculosis.
-After a mishap involving Meanie and Ryan, Goldust is susceptible to the Road Dogg pin. Know why I liked Dogg? He rarely won matches clean, even as a face. He’d sell for everyone and win either on a fluke or interference from whoever his opponent had a beef with. The opponent always looked like a million bucks for rattling off that much offense on him. And yet, Dogg still remained over because he had the charisma. Brian James never gets his due, and it’s about time that he did. Starting here.
-Meanwhile, Big Show is arrested, which is dangerous when you consider that his plan to collect unemployment sucks if he’s in jail and can’t get the foods that he wants. I’m certain that prison limits you to under three entire hams a day.
-The Triple H-Kane skirmish is recapped, leading to a couple of questions. One is wouldn’t Hunter be happy to be rid of Chyna? I mean, he CERTAINLY was two years later. I wonder how quickly he changed his phone numbers after WWE informed Chyna that she was out the door in 2001. The other is how Hunter was able to obtain Goldust’s costume for when he used the pyro gun on Kane. Why would those two get along? Didn’t Hunter offend Goldust and Marlena two years ago? My brain is frying.
-The San Diego Chicken does a run in on Kane, and gets revealed to be Pete Rose, and Kane destroys him. Geez, Kane, if you’re going to beat up members of the 1980 World Series team, can you beat up Larry Bowa for giving us crappy pitching rotations during his managerial stint? Thank God for Uncle Charlie.
-During the first few minutes of this one, Hunter and Kane have a contest: knee vs. boot. Who can hit more generic moves with their respective trademark body part? I’m intrigued by this concept, and so is the crowd, who are chanting….well, they’re quiet. Must be silent exhilaration.
-Match is just slowing to a crawl. Kane wasn’t in a position yet to open up his moveset, as he really didn’t have one. Hunter was still in a period where he had to be carried by a better opponent, so this “blood feud” is a lot like the last match, where generic wrestling takes precedent over a narrative and flair spots. My biggest gripe with the Attitude era, other than employment of The Insane Clown Posse.
-Chyna’s here. Suddenly, the ICP doesn’t sound so bad right now.
-Kane continues the common adage of the Attitude era, that being Article 7, Paragraph 2, Section 17, Rule C: Every heel must try to use the ringsteps as a weapon in a big match.
-Triple H continues the common adage of the Attitude era, that being Article 7, Paragraph 2, Section 17, Rule D: Every babyface must counter the ringsteps by causing the heel to hit his face on them.
-Referee Teddy Long continues the common adage of the Attitude era, that being Article 7, Paragraph 2, Section 17, Rule E: Every referee must ignore use of the ringsteps during any match.
-So Chyna comes in with a chair, and anyone with half a brain can see where this is going. Russo, however, was surprised at the development, even though he wrote it. Chyna hits Kane with the chair for the DQ and reunites with Hunter. Hunter’s reaction: “……..great”. Match was a little too plodding, but possibly enough for the coveted award of “Fourth best match we’ll see tonight”. If Kane wins it, I’m iffy. If Dino Bravo wins it, I’m borderline suicidal. For good reason, too.
-Vince McMahon announces himself as guest referee for the main event as Kevin Kelly does a live report. My question: was Vince just hanging around the vacant area? Why would a man of his stature just loiter around random spots of the building alone? Does he hide in corners and question his manhood? Does he need a quiet place to play pong on his Blackberry? WE NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!
-For those of you who extol the virtues of women’s wrestling and, hell, women’s lib in general and believe that the genders are equal and thus deserving of equal attention, feel free to pretend this next portion did not happen.
-Sable defends her prestigious (HA) Women’s Title against Tori. Not Torrie. Not Torrie Wilson. Just Tori. Not the smokin’ hot Idaho blond with the amazing curves and winning smile. I’m talking about Tori, the woman who looks like Hilary Swank after set the world record for “Holding Most Lemon Wedges in One’s Mouth”. Also, she’s wearing a gray catsuit to hide her manish muscles, and not look out of place against a Playboy Playmate. This is already a bad omen.
-Tori’s first task is to be repeatedly kicked to the floor by Sable, and she does it well. And by “well”, I mean “At least she didn’t sustain an aneurysm from blinking”.
-Sable’s far less motivated than last year, but how can she really be at her best when she has to carry the uncarryable? Sable was nearing the end anyway, as ego would soon drive her out of WWE. I wonder if the implants had to sign a no compete clause.
-Tori can’t even stick the landing on a Sable Bomb cover. It’s like the universal suck of both Bella Twins comprised into a succubus. I’m in awe.
-Just in case I didn’t know I was among the damned, here comes Nicole Bass to beat up Tori. In Hell, if you can’t do a four minute match on the biggest show of the year, you get beaten up by Tony Little’s evil twin. Sable wins, and I’m just glad that it’s over.
-Kevin Kelly interviews the classic five crew of DX before X-Pac’s match. Hunter does all the talking, which should tell you all that you need to know about X-Pac’s promo skills. Or at least WWE’s faith in handing him a mic. Way to boost his confidence, guys.
-So get this: X-Pac’s facing Shane McMahon for the WWE European Title, and it’s the second best match of the night. Seriously. Shane had about 2-3 matches in his CAREER under his belt at this point, and he outperforms at lot of the stiffs that clouded the roster during this period. I think now would be a good time to acknowledge the fact that X-Pac, while a notorious heat seeker, was a tremendous wrestler who could carry lesser opponents to fun matches, even an inexperienced Shane McMahon. Sean Waltman deserves more credit than he seems to get, even from the spotfest loving smarks.
-Shane has Test with him, and Test is wearing Hulk Hogan’s Yappapi strap. WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN A LACK OF CHARISMA RUNS WILD ON YOU?!? So Test works twice and Show doesn’t? No wonder Vince always seemed to like him more.
-Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco try to attack X-Pac during his entrance, and they go down in flames. I realize that by using “go down” and “flames” in the presence of Pat is just opening a can of worms, but what can I say? I work blue.
-X-Pac and Shane exchange shots with the Yappapi strap, which immediately makes it better than the one Hogan and Ric Flair had one year later. I think TNA would be best served to have Hogan and Flair in the rematch on the ten year anniversary of the match, just for laughs. I mean, greatness. Yeah, greatness.
-X-Pac beats up the extended members of the Mean Street Posse outside the ring, and I’d like to point out that X-Pac has beaten up about 8 guys by himself so far. Who says Waltman is lazy?
-Test tries to interfere with a belt shot to Pac, but Shane can only get 2. Test’s further interference results in a roundhouse and a Bronco Buster. 9! 9! X-Pac has beaten up 9 guys! AH AH AH! Speaking of the Count, here comes Chyna, along with HHH. Whenever she comes out, I always count the number of days until I never have to see her in WWE again.
-MEGA SWERVE! Hunter Pedigrees X-Pac, proving that while X-Pac can beat up nine men, one Hunter is too much. I agree, one Hunter IS too much. Shane gets the cheap win to put more heat on himself. Good match, though Chyna’s double double turn still irks me. Because it’s Chyna. And Chyna herself irks me.
-And now, for something you’ll really enjoy. Well, not really. It’s Undertaker and Big Bossman in a Hell in a Cell match. This is notable for Cole pointing out that the cage is dangerous because you can get your fingers caught in it. Cole’s voice is dangerous because you can get your fingers caught in your throat trying to induce vomiting. True story.
-Bossman was just useless at this point, a one dimensional brawler who served as mid level fodder for the faces to get through on the way up. No shame in that, but in a Hell in a Cell match? Get out. They were better off having a blindfold match. Where the fans are blindfolded.
-Undertaker’s intro to his song is neat, as he urges us to allow the purity of evil to guide us. That was on a pamphlet I received for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
-I can either recap the match, or I can summarize it in one paragraph. Ready? There’s about 2 ounces of blood, a pair of handcuffs break, they punch a lot, Taker’s slow, Bossman’s slower, the crowd is far gone, and I’m falling asleep just TYPING THIS PARAGRAPH. That’s pretty ambitious for a crap match. Way to reach beyond your grasp, gentlemen.
-Tombstone does Bossman in. Afterward, with the help of Edge, Christian, and Gangrel, Undertaker hangs the Bossman from a noose. Cole is so horrified and shocked that, while Bossman hangs, he immediately plugs the main event. That’s just so Vince-ish. No wonder he keeps his job.
-By the way, if you think about it, The Brood are like the Kardashian sisters: Edge is Kim, because he’s the star. Christian is Kourtney because he’s more than serviceable. That makes Gangrel Khloe, just for the teeth alone. Also, because nobody cares.
-And now, to save us from the crap….
-For the WWE World Heavyweight Title, The Rock defends the strap against Stone Cold Steve Austin. When in doubt, rely on the MVPs. I’m banking on it.
-JR! JIM ROSS IS HERE! HIT THE BRICKS, COLE! Jim Ross still looks bad, with half of his face sagging from the palsy, but you know what? Michael Cole suffering a stroke-like condition may actually IMPROVE his quality. As for Lawler, there’s nothing that can save him.
-First, Vince comes out to try and play referee, but Shawn Michaels (then commissioner) has him kicked out. Shawn accidentally encourages Vince to interfere, foreshadowing the ending. Pain pill addictions are not a pretty thing kids.
-Austin and Rock slug it out immediately, as only these 2 can do with such chemistry. The match is fast paced too, with brawling inside and outside the ring. This is better than the “decent” matches earlier that were just holds and moves without story and emotion. For those that criticize Austin’s more simplistic style, I say screw off.
-Austin and Rock don’t even take time for a breather, brawling behind the railing, and Rock finally clotheslines Austin back to ringside. Any brawl that’s spirited is automatically great. Spirit of any kind in a main event is always welcome. I’m just looking for ANY silver lining now.
-But no, it’s not over as Austin and Rock brawl up the aisle to the entrance way, and include it as a part of the match. Rock takes a hard shot into the giant logo, but Austin gets backdropped with his leg hitting a motion light, and it didn’t look planned or pretty. Good intensity so far.
-Rock takes JR’s water and spits on Austin’s face. Can you get Bell’s palsy from that?
-Austin puts Rocky through the Spanish announce table with 2 elbow smashes, and the fight continues inside, where Rock works the leg. Booo, not during THIS match. Keep the wrestling crap for the undercard! Wait, did I just agree with Russo? GAH!
-Rock Bottom gets 2, so the champ gets himself a chair. Austin gains possession of it after a skirmish and swings, but Rock pulls Mike Chioda in harms way, and Chioda’s dead. Speaking of dead, suicide enthusiast Tim White takes over. The segues don’t just write themselves, for those wondering at home. Rock only manages a two count on Austin after a chair shot, so Rock gives him Rock Bottom. That’s two down. Austin turns and lays out Rock with a Stunner, but no ref! Earl Hebner runs down the aisle like a madman and slides in, but only gets 2. Crowd is REALLY sinking their teeth into this one.
-Rock goes low to turn the tide, and here comes Vince again to lay out Hebner. If you’re Bret Hart, who do you cheer for there? Rock and Vince double team Austin, and here’s Mankind, clutching his ribs, to run in and drive Vince out. Foley takes over officiating, as was stipulated earlier. Wow, WWE’s abiding by their own rules! Banner day for all! Russo, that IS brilliant!
-Rock manages to land another Rock Bottom, but misses the Corporate (People’s) Elbow. Austin tries to stun him, but Rock tries to Bottom him out, but Austin elbows his way into a Stunner for the win and his third WWE Title. Incredible match that at least put a good ending onto a crappy show, giving us something to hold our heads high to.
-Afterward, Austin caps off a year of feuding with Vince by destroying him with a Stunner and celebrating with a few beers alongside Mick. At least the show ended on a good note. Not all WrestleManias did. In fact, there’s one coming up that’s of that ilk….
-CYNIC SAYS: WrestleManias 14 and 15 are a tale of two cities for sure. 14 featured a ton of organization and all of the right winners. 15 was a muddled mess of random swerves for the sake of swerves, boring action, and an indication that some aspects of the Attitude were in need of an overhaul. WWE was still crushing WCW by a wide margin, but had it been close, this show may have given WCW some momentum. You know, if WCW had a clue as to what they were doing.
When Russo left by year’s end, the WWE experienced an upswing in quality and continuity, and it led to one of my favorite periods in wrestling history. If that meant that shows like this would be fewer and farther in between, with an interest in long term booking and more compelling characters, then I was glad to see Russo go. Over ten years later, and this show hasn’t aged any better.
Check out the main event and maybe the European title match, but the rest is for the fearless.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
The WWE will close out the road to WrestleMania 26 with a bang on Monday. In what is becoming a tradition, WWE RAW will feature a WrestleMania Rewind of WrestleMania rematches. On top of the familiar rematches, WWE Hall of Fame wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin will captain the ship and run the show. Can you say WWE ratings bonanza?
Some will point to this strong effort as a response to TNA’s decision to go head to head on Monday nights with TNA Impact. However, Austin was booked on the show long before the weekly Monday Night Wars became a reality. Additionally, the WrestleMania Rewind has become something of an annual event leading into the biggest pro wrestling event of the year. Unfortunately for TNA, there really won’t be much they can do to combat what should be one of the most exciting editions of WWE RAW of the year.
The WWE announced three WrestleMania rematches on this week’s WWE RAW. Obviously with two hours to fill, there is a possibility that more could be added by G.M. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Already announced for Monday are a rematch of last year’s WrestleMania XXV co-main event Triple H vs. Randy Orton, a rematch from WrestleMania XIX between Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels, and finally a rematch from the WrestleMania XX opener between John Cena and The Big Show.
Without a doubt, the Michaels-Jericho WrestleMania XIX rematch will be most anticipated by WWE fans. Michaels vs. Jericho had arguably the feud of the year two years ago. They wrestled each other several times in big matches with each match outdoing the other. Could this be Shawn Michaels next-to-last match? Both guys have a tremendous amount of respect for one another so this could be something of a tribute to Jericho by Michaels in giving him his second-to-last ever wrestling match.
The complexities of this whole Legacy feud just keep on growing with a rematch of last year’s main-event between Triple H and Randy Orton. It is really odd to me that two guys who have had big parts in the last several WrestleManias are playing such small roles this year. For Randy Orton, it is even stranger that as of this writing, Orton has yet to have an officially announced match at WrestleMania XXIV, although most expect some kind of a match with Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. To me, this whole feud isn’t resonating with fans because there are no clear lines on who are the babyfaces and who are the heels. By sticking Randy Orton in a match with Triple H, the WWE are once again blurring the lines. However, if the match ends with Triple H and Orton standing side by side and fighting off members of Legacy and Sheamus, all of that would undoubtedly become clearer going into WrestleMania. Then again, how ridiculous would that be when after all Randy Orton did physically attack Trip’s wife a year ago? While I am not particularly interested in seeing a 500th match between these two, I must admit that I am curious to see where they go with this whole thing.
Finally The Big Show and John Cena will tangle in a rematch of their “classic” WrestleMania XX opener. In all seriousness, it really was a monumental match as it was Cena’s first big WrestleMania match. Now let’s be honest, I don’t think anyone is beating down the WWE door and demanding a rematch here. But, I am sure that Batista and possibly even Vince McMahon get involved here and throw in a few twists. My prediction is that Steve Austin comes out to even the sides and ends the night with an old fashioned Stone Cold Stunner on Vince McMahon for old time’s sake.
For all of the criticism that the WWE generally receives, I think they have done a better job of building up this year’s WrestleMania than they have done in quite some time. Considering all of the goofy angles the WWE threw at us last year building up the Triple H-Randy Orton match, this year’s buildup is a welcome breath of fresh air. Throw on top of the above mentioned a likely appearance by Bret Hart and I can’t think of a better way to bring home the road to WrestleMania XXVI.
-Where were you on March 29, 1998, when WWE WrestleMania XIV emanated from the (since renamed) Fleet Center in Boston, Mass? If you’re like me, you were watching the show. If you’re not like me, then you’re….well, not like me. I’m not here to discriminate against you. That’s Bill Watts’ job.
-WWE WrestleMania XIV was to the Attitude Era what Woodstock was to the sixties counterculture movement. It was a landmark moment that symbolized the era better than anything else. The show I am about to review in tidbit form was not the all time greatest show ever. It may not even be in the top five. However, it remains memorable because it did just about everything right. In a time when WCW was becoming more stale than a loaf of bread found in the remnants of Hitler’s bunker, the WWE was picking up serious steam with the elements of shock TV, fresh characters, and a stylistic approach to producing television. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Vince McMahon would soon throw himself out there for fans to boo with impunity. We never bought the smiling babyface act for a minute.
-Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who are starring in WWE Films new adaptation of The Wizard of Oz, wherein Ross seeks a new facial structure, and Lawler seeks the ability to actually care about the product he is paid to put over. The 2010 version of Lawler is more disinterested than Adam Lambert at the Vegas Bunny Ranch.
-Not featured on the actual televised version of the show was Chris Warren and the DX Band playing America the Beautiful in their nu-metal punkish style. It was done before the event so as to not offend any customers at home. What would then follow was a show that featured blood, sexuality, overt violence, and Shawn Michaels’ butt crack. But you know, at least there was no punk band playing an American anthem. That would have been taking things too far.
-The opening act is a fifteen team battle royal where the winners get a shot at Backlash, also known as “WrestleMania Rehash Sunday”. The roster for this match is the KFC Famous Bowl of the WWE KFC menu, in that it’s just the extras. It includes two teams of Los Boricuas, The Truth Commission, Bradshaw and Chainz, two Nation of Domination teams, The Quebecers, the freaking Rock n Roll Express, The Headbangers, Too Much, DOA, Steve Blackman and Flash Funk (The Black Men?), The Godwinns, The New Midnight Express, and the returning Legion of Doom, who have 2 additions: Sunny, and space helmets. Because, you know, that was all they were missing: a bitter diva with weight problems and fiberglass space helmets. Hold me back.
-You know this match is important when the show begins during the intros with more than half the teams in the ring. That’s Vince slang for “Let’s get this crap over with”.
-Sunny looks hot here. Of course, if you froze my dad in 1977 and woke him up now and he wanted to see Sally Struthers, he’d make the same face I’d make when I saw Sunny in XPW. That was when Sunny became Moony, because she definitely had the craters to earn such a name.
-I’d list the eliminations, but since the cameras can’t even keep up, I’ll leave it as an exercise to you to do a web search. Go to www.crappyopeningmatches.com. The final four teams are DOA, Godwinns, Midnights, and LOD. All I have to distract me are the jiggling breasts and bulbous buttocks at ringside. Yeah, Jim Cornette was getting out of shape at this point.
-So it comes down to the geezerly LOD and fake Midnights, and LOD wins to justify the cost of the space helmets. The real winner was Ricky Morton, who made it the entire night without getting arrested for failure to pay child support. Attaboy, Ricky, you mulleted coot!
-Earlier this weekend, a fan got the chance to meet 2 Cold Scorpio. If I was the kid, you know me, I would have definitely asked “So, was the rumor in Foley’s book true?”. If 2 Cold took time to prove the anecdote correct for the kid, would that have made the kid’s life or traumatized him? That’s open for debate.
-Next up, the WWE Lightheavyweight Championship is on the line as Taka Michinoku defends against Aguila, which is the Spanish word for “huge jobber whose entrance is not televised”. This match has promise and will blow away anyone who sees it for the first time. Except for Vince, who has zoned out and is daydreaming about riding a two seater bike with Triple H on the next warm, sunny day.
-Sidenote: how many smarks in this era do you think played their Firepro wrestling game with Taka vs. Rey Mysterio, dreaming of the day they’d face off? That’s a lot of disappointed college library supervisors.
-Taka lands his super awesome running springboard suicide dive, and Aguila would later come back with an insane corkscrew plancha. Crowd is into these crazy spots, but Vince has his eyes closed with his fingers in his ears and is singing “Stand Back” at the top of his lungs. What a poor sport.
-You know, I’m almost sad that Brian Christopher wasn’t out here to do his racist commentary bit, where he uses offensive words for Japanese people and has to be corrected by JR. It always seemed as if Brian wasn’t even saying them in character, rather he truly believed that they were appropriate names for said people. No wonder Lawler refused to claim him as a son. When JERRY LAWLER is ashamed of you….
-Taka spikes Aguila with the Michinoku Driver for the win. The two men shake hands and hug afterward, because WWE Attitude was all about love and respect and honor. 2 years later, Aguila would unmask and begin doing the nasty with Lita, while Taka’s ring entrance involved bad Japanese dubbing. Such a progressive time period.
-In a taped bit, infamous mistress Gennifer Flowers interviews Intercontinental Champion The Rock. You know you’re an A-Lister when they bring in a glorified call girl to interview you. Tune in to Raw tomorrow night when Ken Shamrock gives his rebuttal to interviewer Amy Fisher.
-Here’s Chris Warren and the DX Band to play Triple H to the ring. I guess the budget wasn’t deep enough to get Motorhead, so here’s a song sung by a man who looks like what Jeff Hardy will resemble at age 40 when the meth turns his bones to dust. D-GENERAYYYYYYYTION!!!!!!!
-Trips defends his European Title against Owen Hart, in a match where Chyna must be handcuffed at ringside to then-commissioner Sgt. Slaughter. Chyna and Slaughter handcuffed together? It’s like an outtake from Hell from the movie Exit to Eden.
-You know Owen’s feeling jaunty because he hit a hurracanrana and it’s after 1992. Maybe he’s just trying to bore Russo with wrestling so that he can get fired and go to WCW. Maybe.
-This is a weird time period for Hunter as he still has his sissy boy hairstyle, but was beginning to develop his body. And by ‘develop’, I mean he got breast implants. He looks like some dainty version of Super Macho Man from Mike Tyson’s Punchout. In other words, Stephanie has a thing for macho men. Just saying.
-HHH lands the so-called “Harley Race knee” to Owen. It’s not really a Harley Race knee unless you’ve drank 4 beers and got stabbed by a fan before the show. So Hunter’s really just a wimp.
-Owen crotches HHH, but not hard enough to prevent the spawn of Satan from being passed on. You fail, Owen. I love you, but you fail. Speaking of fail, this was a weird face turn for Owen, as we had no real reason to cheer him other than he hates DX. Then again, we were supposed to cheer Val Venis for speaking the wives of other men, so the whole time period was screwy. Pun intended.
-Owen with the Sharpshooter. RING THE F—oh wait, it’s on somebody who Vince likes. Damn it all. Chyna helps Hunter get to the ropes and then blinds Slaughter with some powder she happened to have on her. That powder would later come in handy when she realized that she was shacked up with X-Pac and needed to escape life for a spell. After a low blow on Owen, Hunter hits the burial device (aka Pedigree) to keep his European title. Good match, however, though Slaughter was just useless. Even the crowd mocked him and rightfully so. It’s what he gets for trying to mold Greg Gagne against our best wishes.
-Now for a match that everybody seemed to have low expectations for. It’s the mixed tag match pitting Marc Mero and Sable against Goldust and Luna. Sable and Mero had a rather typical love story going: guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, girl gets jumbo implants and the fans fall in love with her, guy turns into a jealous mess, guy eventually leaves her for Kevin Sullivan’s on screen ex-girlfriend. And really, nobody wants that.
-This is the match that solidified Sable as an icon in WWE canon, as she wants to rip Luna to pieces for weeks of physical torment. After Mero and Goldie set the table, Sable finally gets Luna inside and beats the Hell out of her to an ungodly pop. Even an undertrained bimbo was outperforming WCW’s main eventers, and fans noticed.
-Fun note: CCB writer Brett Clendaniel called me after viewing a copy of the show and swore up and down that Luna’s boob popped out during Sable’s beal across the ring. I scoured the internet for days, trying to find Luna’s breast. In an unrelated note, Brett and I were both 14 and still virgins. Unrelated, of course.
-What’s weird is that the crowd doesn’t want to cheer Mero, but they almost feel goaded into it as he’s Sable’s partner. When he beats down Goldust and avoids Dustin’s charge that leads to him running into Luna, the crowd loves it. I love those weird and temporary de facto face turns. It’s like when Jesse Ventura would praise a babyface and you’d feel validated somehow.
-The crowd just absolutely loses their mind when Sable powerbombs Luna. It was the Rick Pitino/Pete Carroll era of Boston sports, so they’ll take what they can get.
-Sable ends it with the TKO. Mero’s overcelebrating next to Sable’s overdone scorn is a riot. It’s a shame that Mero’s career ended up being cut short later in the year, because he was feeling this jealous heel schtick. Sort of like Randy Savage with an extremely nasally voice. Good match too, oddly enough.
-Did I mention that angry Sable is hot? Like, incredibly piping hot? I think that’s why somebody defecated in her bag backstage, just to see her face. Not all angry women can be hot, however. I hold up Donita Sparks as exhibit A.
-Next up, the Intercontinental Title match with The Rock defending against Ken Shamrock. Rock brings Nation of Domination members Kama Mustafa, D-Lo Brown, and Mark Henry with him, with Faarooq nowhere to be seen. This was during the struggle for leadership between Rock and Faarooq, which sounds weird today. In later years, Rock would become the most charismatic star in wrestling history, whereas Faarooq was relegated to saying just one word per promo. Weird.
-Wait, before the match, we have a time wasting segment where Tennessee Lee (formerly Col. Robert Parker) introduces Jeff Jarrett and Gennifer Flowers. Flowers is just here to proclaim Jeff Jarrett “great”. So it’s a segment to stroke Jarrett’s ego and waste everyone else’s time? Oh well. Better one segment than the first five years of TNA.
-So Shamrock and Rock do the “required brawl”, which entails of fighting all around the ringside area with no mind paid to countouts or DQs, and they eventually make it back to the ring to brawl some more. History was kind to Ken Shamrock, since he had a couple great matches and is a respected fighter, but, let’s face it, without the right opponent, he was nothing special. At least he’s one up on Lashley on promos. Then again, so is former WCW interviewer Scott Dunlap.
-Rock hits the People’s Elbow to a lukewarm reaction. Either it’s 1998, or Vince booked the show in Anaheim again. Nope, 1998.
-Rocky PASTES Shamrock with a chair shot, which doesn’t top the one he gave Shamrock on Raw the previous month that was directly to the face. That was the greatest chair shot of all time, next to the one Randy Orton gave Mick Foley at the 2004 Royal Rumble. We really need a list for this. 1 is Rock hitting Shamrock, 2 is Orton hitting Foley, 3 is any Terry Funk chairshot, and 750,000th place are the ones Lance Storm gave Rob Van Dam at Barely Legal.
-Shamrock makes Rocky tap to the ankle lock in under five minutes to win the title. However, afterward, Shamrock cleans house of the NOD members and several officials to have the decision reversed. Shamrock reapplies the ankle lock and Faarooq runs out for the save, but changes his mind and walks off to a nice reaction. As Rock is stretchered out, and the decision reversal is announced, a near comatose Great One raises his title on the gurney. Always classic. Shamrock runs over and pummels him some more, since he’s in a fit of rage. Also classic. Hey, for five minutes, it was fun. Let’s do it again sometime.
-Now to up the violence quotient a little bit, we move on to the Tag Team Title match with the New Age Outlaws defending against Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie. It’s a dumpster match, where both losers must be placed in a dumpster with both lids shut. It was originally to have been a barbed wire match, but the PPV carriers were mortified and refused to allow it. Which is probably just as well, since if Billy Gunn gets gashed enough times, he may actually bleed out his remaining charisma. Good thing Road Dogg has it in spades to spare.
-First truly sick spot is Cactus trying a flip attack off of the apron and missing Dogg, instead hitting the side of the dumpster. C’mon, Mick, you can bump harder than that. Collette needs a new piano!
-Mostly it’s lunch tray shots being exchanged, which is a 7 on WWE’s hardcore scale, but about a 3 on ECW’s hardcore scale. But if the fans had brought the trays themselves, then the smarks would call it EXTREME. E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!
-The Outlaws slam the dumpster lids on both Cactus and Chainsaw’s heads to allow Lawler to make the timeless “Terry Funk gets hit by the toilet seat lid when he gets a drink” joke. When I say “timeless”, I mean that I can’t recall a time when it was witty.
-Billy’s got a nice blood mustache going, which equates him to the Hitler of pro wrestling, in that I think he’s evil and repulsive. Actually, no, that’s insulting. Hitler could get thousands of people on his side, whereas Gunn can’t pop the Impact Zone.
-Cactus applies dual Mandible Claws to both Outlaws, and it’s good that the Outlaws are facing each other eye to eye so that Road Dogg can use his hands to teach Gunn how to sell. How far gone must Bart Gunn have been to be the less interesting half of the Smoking Gunns?
-And now to make things just a little bit sicker, Cactus and Gunn go falling off of a ladder from the ring into the dumpster, which just looked nasty. Then, after Gunn climbs out, he and Dogg tandem powerbomb Funk into the dumpster, which led to a deeply purple bruise that encompassed Funk’s entire hip, as was seen late in the match. Funk didn’t even know he was hurt, according to a shoot interview with Gunn. Seriously, how can you not love Terry Funk? The man’s probably been dead 10 years and doesn’t know it.
-The fight leads backstage to where a cooler of Powerade gets knocked over (cheap crap) and Cactus knocks out both Outlaws onto a pallet, which Terry Funk then elevates with a forklift(!), then drives it to a second dumpster, where Cactus rolls them off into for the win and the gold. Terry’s madman laughter afterwards is frightening if you’ve never seen him before. Having watched him for over 20 years, it’s just merely kinda frightening. Great brawl.
-And now, a family rivalry as Undertaker’s streak is on the line against his charred brother Kane. If you don’t know the story, Undertaker burned down the mortuary as a kid and killed his parents and, presumably, his younger brother Kane. However, Kane lived and managed to get his degree in oral hygiene, before Paul Bearer (Kane’s dad) convinced him to wear a leather mask and pretend to be a burn victim. Kane liked the mask because it impressed women, especially a dead cheerleader that he fell in love with. Undertaker was so disheartened by the whole thing that he now dates a corpse himself named Michelle. At least, I THINK that’s how the story goes.
-Update for this show: Undertaker is a face. Kane is a heel. They currently hate each other. Expect updates for all ensuing WrestleManias.
-Now for another guest: Pete Rose, who insults Boston baseball fans and gets Tombstoned by Kane. Kane later inducted Rose into the WWE Hall of Fame, because they are true professionals. Except one’s a pyromaniac and the other gambles. But we can’t all be winners.
-#14 for Finkel. Go Fink.
-Taker makes his entrance amongst the druids and the fight be on, yo. Kane was still green at this point, but Taker’s reigning him in through the brawl nicely. At least Kane looks believable out there.
-Kane batters Taker on the floor with the ringsteps. I love in the Attitude era when they would use weapons liberally, but had to especially announce some matches as having no DQ’s. Russo, that’s brilliant!
-Did I mention that Paul Bearer eerily resembles Oliver Humperdink at this point? It’s worth noting.
-Now for a famous moment, as Taker clears the top rope with a dive and overshoots Kane, crushing the Spanish announce table. It could have been much worse than that. Jimmy Snuka’s kid could have failed to catch him here too.
-Back in the ring, Kane lands a Tombstone for 2. Dun dun DUNN.
-Taker then says “To Hell with this” and lands three tombstones to put his brother away and make it to 7-0. Oh, and Kane attacks him afterward, but I believe that this was the end of the feud and they never crossed paths again. Solid match, all things told.
-And now for the big one: Shawn Michaels defends the WWE Title against Stone Cold Steve Austin. The big story here is that Michaels’ back was completely shot and it’s a near miracle that he had the match that he did. I’ll explain in further detail as we get there.
-And now for the big celebrity involvement: guest outside enforcer Mike Tyson, who is fairly subdued here, oddly enough. He had joined DX to further stack the odds against Austin. Austin was overcoming odds when Cena was still studying for his midterms. Take that, Mr. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect.
-Tyson comes out first to major boos. Austin is shown walking in the backstage corridor and gets a scary pop. Then Shawn makes his way to the entrance way with Hunter and Chyna and says to the camera: “This is for you, Earl”, referencing Earl Hebner, who had a stroke days before. Earl had a stroke and Shawn’s back was kaput. Anyone sense the hand of karma?
-The match begins in chaotic fashion with Austin taking Shawn down and pummeling him. After getting whipped early, Shawn tries to escape to the floor, but Austin grabs the tights and exposes half of his butt to the world. Then, for a bonus, Austin backdrops Shawn to the floor and Shawn’s butt cheeks hit Hunter in the head. Well, I think that establishes the pecking order of the Kliq once and for all….
-Hunter interjects himself and he and Chyna find themselves ejected. If only Hunter got tossed everytime he’s tried to eject himself. Booker T may still have his passion.
-And now for more random brawling, as Shawn and Austin fight to the DX bandstand, and Austin gets hit by a cymbal. Would you have laughed if the ref disqualified Shawn then and there, five minutes in, and Shawn kept the belt? Yeah, me either.
-Then we have the telltale moment: Austin knocks Shawn off the apron, and Shawn awkwardly lands against the commentary desk, leading to him puffing his cheeks and bugging his eyes in serious pain from his back just dying. Even if you hate Shawn for all of his hypocrisy, it’s hard not to feel for him at this moment. All the times he’s tried to play Superman and steal the show, and it was all summed up in one moment. Poor guy.
-Shawn’s carrying on, though, and he even backdrops Austin over the rail, which had to be tough enough, considering he’s walking at a snail’s pace and wincing the entire way. Knowing the full story now, the match is hard to watch, especially 12 years later when he’s STILL WRESTLING. The man has no peer. Seriously.
-Now it settles down, and Shawn uncharacteristically slows his pace and begins to pound Austin with punches, followed by working the knee. He’s struggling to even get his breath. I wouldn’t be surprised if Vince came running down the aisle with a morphine needle right now. I wouldn’t blame him, either.
-Tyson throws Austin back into the ring, giving him a wedgie in the process. Shawn takes out Austin’s leg and applies a figure four as the match begins to crawl, yet is still flowing without fail. Christ, even when Shawn’s near death, he’ll hit at least a four star rating. If I sound like I’m kissing up to the guy, trust me, I am.
-Referee Mike Chioda gets taken out, and Shawn catches Austin with a horrible flying forearm. After he kips up, he lands the Savage elbow (HOW?!) and then begins the stomp. He tries to throw Sweet Chin Music, but Austin catches the boot. A series of reversals later and Austin plants him with the Stunner. Tyson slides in and counts to three (rather quickly) to give Austin his first World Title. Shawn’s injury accounted for, this was a damn incredible match, and I give Shawn all the credit in the world for finishing.
-Afterward, Austin and Tyson celebrate, and we get a symbolic torch-passing moment: Shawn whines about Tyson siding with Austin, so Tyson drills him with a hard punch, and lays Austin’s shirt over his face. Goodbye Heartbreak Kid, hello Texas Rattlesnake. Shawn would not wrestle for the company for over four years after this, but if his career had ended here, he did it as he does best: stealing the show, even with the odds against him. As for Austin, the best was yet to come.
-CYNIC SAYS: The first two matches were basically “filler” in Vince’s eyes: the useless midcarders and the light weights had their moments. From there, it was the Attitude all star team, putting on an exciting and era-defining show. The topper: the babyface hero won in the end without chicanery, which was big when you consider that Starrcade 1997 ended with an indecisive Hogan/Sting match that SHOULD have been decisive.
This show is a hallmark moment in wrestling history, one that helped lead Vince’s army into a comeback, crushing WCW beneath their wheels and never looking back. Truly, this was the highlight of the Attitude era.
For a low light of the Attitude era, well, wait till I do my next rant. If you dare reading it.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
-What makes this show fascinating is that my brother’s senior trip to Florida began the day before the event, and he didn’t make it home until Wednesday night afterward. He had just got back into WWE after his 18 month WCW love-in not long before the show, and was bummed that he missed it. You know you’re a mark when your parents go to the airport to get him and you stay up until he gets home at 11:30 PM on a school night so you can blurt out the results to him.
-So for those of us not in Florida for the Disney trip (like 13 year old me), let’s go back to March 23, 1997 to the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, IL. The tagline for WrestleMania XIII was “Heat”. I found that appropriate, since about 60% of the performers on this card should have been relegated to the Sunday night jobber show.
-Also of note, on the pre-show, Billy Gunn defeated Flash Funk. Wait, my apologies. That actually WASN’T worth nothing. Again, my bad.
-Our hosts tonight are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Jerry Lawler. This was the final commentary performance at the big event for Vinnie Mac, as he would go on to become perhaps the greatest heel in wrestling history. That’s like Joe Buck quitting broadcasting to become a Colombian drug baron. I’m all for it, too. Well, the part where he quits broadcasting, anyway.
-To open the show, we have a four tag team train wreck where the winners get a shot at the WWE World Tag Team Titles. The teams vying for the chance are The Godwinns, The Headbangers, The New Blackjacks, and Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon. And….yeah. I’m supposed to pick a winner out of THIS group? Between the outdated cowboys and farmers, and the bland-but-talented Furnas and Lafon, I’m almost forced to cheer the Bangers, who are at least playing a gimmick suited for the late 90’s, and have a unique charm to them. And even THEN, I don’t buy them as a serious threat. Already, I’m miserable.
-Quick, spot the future World Champion heel. Give up? It’s the boring stiff with the mustache! No, the other one. Yeah, that one.
-The only fun spot so far is both Headbangers being tagged in and then slam dancing into each other. The Dead Kennedys would be so proud. Usually these days when you can’t figure out what to do with your wrestlers, you stick them in the Money in the Bank match. Back then, it was “top contender” Hell. Not a good choice for an opener.
-Hey, good news, The Blackjacks and The Vanilla Workrate Connection have just been double DQed. That should speed things along a little more.
-I have to say, I know I bring up underrated talents a lot, but I always had a soft spot for the Headbangers. They may not have been the best, but they were interesting in a time period where not many wrestlers were. They’d sell for anyone and the fans seemed to like them, even as heels.
-Now for a semi famous spot: The Headbangers perform a rocket launcher to the floor onto Henry Godwinn. Sayeth Vince: “He threw him like he was a dart!”. The only thing that keeps it from being in the annals of great WrestleMania moments was…..that it was done by the freakin’ Headbangers.
-Finally, Phineas takes a flying sit down thingie for the the loss, making the Headbangers #1 contenders. Remember when wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt meant that you were with the times? Maybe the Hart Dynasty should wear shirts depicting Muse. Or not. Not the opener I was hoping for, but what could I expect?
-Just to show how out of touch Uncle Vinnie was, here comes the Honky Tonk Man to do commentary on the next contest. Yeah, like fans from 1997 are going to understand why Honky was so important in the 1980’s. A match ago, we had two men who worshipped Manson and Tool and Gravity Kills. Now we have an Elvis impersonator from 1988. Gag me.
-So it’s the IC Title match with The Sultan challenging against….Rocky Maivia. Yes folks, that would be The Rock himself, albeit as a smiling lovemonger with a positive attitude. Seriously, if you watch this match, you can’t even believe it’s him. It’s like he was possessed by aliens who commanded him to suck and suck royally.
-Remember when the Sultan ran over Austin to impress Rocky? Oh wait, that comes later.
-As Rocky works in his dad’s 1981 offense, I have two questions: One is what the Hell was that thing that Sultan wore on his head? Not the face mask, but the hat. It was like a velvet Hershey’s Kiss. The other is why have we never gotten a dual promo from The Rock and The Iron Sheik, who is seconding Sultan? Could the universe handle that level of awesomeness? Probably not.
-Funny, Sultan seems to be dominating this match. Maivia was pretty much being prepped to be the star of the future, and yet Sultan is taking pretty much 80% of this match. And it all sucks. At least get it up to three years later when Rock could be free to to be Rock, and Sultan was dancing and…umm…wearing a thong? Okay, maybe we’re better off in 1997….
-And umm…..Rock wins with a roll-up? That’s the whole match? IF YA SMELLLLLL-LALALALALALALALALAAA! Well, something smells, and I don’t think many fans like it. Sultan, Sheik, and Bob Backlund beat Rocky down afterward, and Sheik locks on a Camel Clutch (henceforth referred to as a “camelclutchblog.com“) to humble The Great One, but Rock is saved by 96 year old Rocky Johnson. Johnson takes his shirt off, which is enough to scare the three hooligans away. See, had The Rock waffled his dad with the IC Title and then dropped the elbow on him, he’d have been a megastar THEN. But alas, we had to wait.
-Pettengill interviews Ken Shamrock of the “ultimate fighting world”, as Shamrock is the guest referee for tonight’s big submission match. We get a sampling of Shamrock’s expertise on submissions with a video package of him dismantling Billy Gunn on a recent Raw. They could have shelved the first two matches on this show and had Shamrock destroy Gunn for 45 minutes. Would ANYONE have objected?
-Dok Hendrix interviews Triple H, and apologizes in advance for ruining his wedding reception.
-So now it’s Goldust and Triple H one on one in a match rooted in a story where HHH made a pass at Marlena, and Goldust flipped. Here’s the brilliant part: HHH whispered something to her and we never heard what it was. When Marlena was asked about it in a WWE chat, she kayfabe responded that she can’t even repeat it, because for Goldust to see or hear it makes him murderously angry. See? Instead of giving a lame answer, the story has a mystery to it, forcing you to make your own theory. How Hitchcockian! Good stuff.
-Remember in the WrestleMania 12 rant when I said that HHH was a midcarder at this point, despite his claims? Well, he’s in the third match of the show and he just got kissed by Goldust. Yep, that Hunter, always a main eventer.
-Triple H unzips Goldust’s jumper and then chops away on him. Either the gold suit is heavily padded, or Hunter just longs for the feel of another man’s chest. I’m not implying anything, I mean, we’re all God’s children, right?
-This thing is dragging like Frankenstein’s foot, and I’m just glad that Marlena’s here to give me something to look at. She was really something in the days before she forgot how to digest food.
-Hunter hooks an abdominal stretch and JR references oft-forgotten wrestler Wilbur Snyder, prompting Vince to go “WILLLLLLL-BUUUUUUUR” in Mr. Ed’s voice. Way to know your audience, V-Mac.
-This match is so boring, that I have no choice but to acknowledge wrestlecrap.com poster Ultimo Chocula, who responded to my post and gets a free mention. Good on you, Choc. Now, back to the crap at hand.
-Goldust lands a butt-butt on Hunter. Make your own joke here, I’m already disheveled.
-Chyna (yes, she’s here or it’s here or….) stalks Marlena around ringside and manages to corner her on the apron. Hunter knocks Goldust into her, sending her flying into Chyna’s clutch, who does a primo job of ragdolling and manhandling her. Yes, I used “manhandling” for a reason. Goldust eats a Pedigree to put HHH in the Mania win column. God, that was long and boring.
-You know, I really think Goldust and Marlena could have been a good low rent version of Savage and Liz. They had the crazed-but-likable male/alluring and innocent female dynamic going. Granted, it’s hard to top Savage and Liz, but you could have done worse by trying to mold these two after the original golden couple.
-Now for something that might break things out of the doldrums. It’s the Tag Team Title match with Davey Boy Smith and Owen Hart defending against Vader and Mankind. What made this interesting is that both teams were comprised of heels, though Davey was leaning toward turning face, mostly due to annoyance at Owen’s constant cheating, as well as Owen’s underlying jealousy of the Bulldog’s European title. Hey, for 1997, that’s pretty deep. Usually, we get stuck with “Faarooq hates white people so he’s imitating Louis Farrakhan”.
-Hey wait, wasn’t Vader just friends with Owen and Davey for, like, a year? Now they’re enemies? The continuity police may wish to investigate. That and about 4000 other infractions.
-Everyone’s getting their work in: Owen’s providing the quickness and taking bumps off of Vader, Bulldog’s using his power moves, Vader’s clubbing as he always does, and Mankind’s bumping for everybody. The fans are kinda confused, though, but they seem to have caught on that Davey’s the closest thing to a babyface here. Still, what a badly booked angle for the biggest card of the year.
-Owen becomes the heel in peril(?) and Davey prepares himself for the hot tag. I think they may have made a mistake in not having Owen turn on Davey here. Actually, wait, I just realized that it wouldn’t have worked. If you don’t know why, the answer rhymes with Art Soundation.
-So it turns into a double countout after Mankind gags Bulldog on the floor with the Mandible Claw. Well, that does nothing for anybody. I understand that for all four men, you had to keep them strong, since they all had value. For Owen and Davey, they had to remain strong to be Bret’s under bosses in the Hart Foundation relaunch, and Vader and Mankind were going to have to be strong so that they could be fed to the Undertaker for his title run. So I guess the real question is why have them face each other at all on the biggest event of the year? It’s a mystery.
-And now, I present to you the all time greatest match in WWE history. Throw in Capitol Sports while we’re at it. But first, we have a video and some backstory to establish.
-Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Basically, while Hart was away for the summer and fall of 1996, Austin was branding himself quite the monster heel. After becoming a character unlike any ever seen in WWE history, Austin began to garner a cult following for his foul mouth, violent antics, and utter disdain for everyone, including his fellow heels. He began to call Hart out in September, trying to goad Bret back to the company when he was on sabbatical, possibly considering going to WCW or even retiring. Austin managed to rope him back in and faced him in a great match at Survivor Series with Hart narrowly winning. The difference was that while before, Bret was considered a hero to millions of fans,the the new “Attitude” like the one displayed by Austin was the hotness du jour. Hart’s heroics were old hat, and many of his fans had shifted their sensibilities Austin’s way. Bret began to display signs of whining and bitterness, while Austin’s stock rose every day. And it boiled down to this: a submission match to see who the better man really was. If Bret wins, it shuts Austin up for good. If Austin wins, it could very well be the end of Hart, who will have been beaten by the young lion in his own game.
-I think that’s more story than the first four matches combined.
-As mentioned earlier, Ken Shamrock is the guest referee. Last I heard, he took steroids before his fight with Bobby Lashley JUST so he could be suspended and duck the match. Hey, high voice or not, I ain’t messing with Lashley.
-Austin gets the famed “glass shatter” entrance stunt that would appear in the WWE Attitude video game. That’s quite the sizable pop he gets as well. Hart’s pop is great as well; I’d say it’s about 70-30 for the Hitman.
-It’s a slug fest to start and it quickly spills to the floor, as any six month long feud would tend to cause. Immediately, Austin takes a smacking bump right into the post. Austin responds by crotching Bret on the guardrail. This is gonna be ugly.
-Now for a hallmark of any Attitude era show, as the match spills amongst the people. It’s not often you see Bret Hart brawling in the audience, but this era made some serious cosmetic changes to a lot of characters. Bret brings Austin back, flings him over the rail, and then pounces on him with a diving elbow. The tide turns, however, when Bret goes flying hard into the ring steps and actually dislodges them. So far, so good.
-We get back inside the ring, and Hart’s strategy becomes more than apparent: go for the leg. Bret begins some barbaric tactics to ravage Austin’s leg, and things are going swimmingly, until Austin drops him with a Stunner out of nowhere. However, pins don’t count here, but the move does buy Austin a moment to recuperate.
-The crowd’s really shifting Steve Austin’s way at this point. Bret tried to keep up with Austin in the donnybrook, but the fans compared them side by side and said “Yeah, Austin’s our guy”. This will be interesting down the stretch.
-The Stunner wasn’t enough to keep Bret Hart is dead, as he methodically goes back to the knee, and applies his amazing ringpost figure four. Austin’s not quitting however and Bret breaks the hold.
-Bret Hart brings a chair inside and decides to recreate one of Austin’s greatest inventions: the Pillmanizer, in which one wraps another man’s ankle inside the seat of a steel chair and then stomps it to crush the bone. It’s named for Brian Pillman, who was the first victim of such a tactic, and a naming honor that I’m sure thrilled the late Loose Cannon. Bret wraps the ankle and then goes up top, but Austin springs to life and smashes Hart with the chair. Lawler’s cry of “IT’S WrestleMania, BABY!” makes me smile for some reason. Austin lands another deadly shot with the chair, and the crowd is TOTALLY buying Stone Cold.
-Austin embarks on a relentless assault, punishing Bret’s back and then by locking Hart into his own Sharpshooter. Lawler remarks about having to submit to your own hold and then Vince, eerily, retorts “Hey, it could happen. It’s just that painful”. Anybody else pause when they heard that?
-After Bret refuses to give in, the action spills outside, where Hart whips Austin into the rail, and it opens up maybe the most famous blade job in wrestling history, as Austin is just gushing all over ringside. Hart pounds the wound and blood is everywhere. Back inside, Bret uses the chair to rip apart Austin’s knee, and Vince foreshadows the heel turn by pointing out just how low Bret’s fallen. Bret’s heel turn, not Vince’s heel turn, for the record.
-What do you do if you’re Austin? Kick Bret in the nuts, duh. Good kick, too. I think I could feel Julie smirk.
-Austin bathes in more than blood, as the fans shower him with cheers during the mud hole stomping sequence. JR proclaims that Austin’s a stud, and I can’t disagree. You could sense watching this match that something very special was happening.
-Austin goes out to retrieve an extension cord in order to choke Bret on the apron. As he wraps the cord around the throat, Bret grabs the ring bell (which was nearby) and wallops Austin in the head. With Stone Cold disoriented, The Hitman locks on the Sharpshooter in mid ring, while Austin continues to bleed.
-Steve Austin refuses Shamrock’s inquisitions on possible surrender, and then tries to power his way free from the hold by nearly pushing Bret off. And THERE is your iconic image of a wracked Austin screaming with blood pouring down his face. Hart falls, but holds onto the legs and stands up, keeping the hold latched. Austin soon passes out from the pain and blood loss to give Hart the win.
-Afterward, Hart continues to attack and Shamrock harshly throws him off. Kenny wants to fight Bret, who merely walks away to a chorus of boos. Meanwhile, Austin pulls himself up, hobbling all the while and Stuns the first referee who tries to assist him. Austin walks away under his own power, never having given up, while the fans cheer and chant “AUSTIN”. Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is the greatest example of making a star. You’ll never see it done better than Stone Cold Steve Austin on March 23, 1997.
-POSITIVE. FIVE. STARS.
-What do you mean that it didn’t end the show?
-Faarooq cuts a promo with the Nation of Domination around him. Yes, he does in fact say more than just “DAMN!”. That’s actually what he said when he was told he was going to play an Islamic militant, I think.
-It’s a Chicago Street Fight with Faarooq, Crush, and Savio Vega of the Nation taking on Ahmed Johnson and native sons The Legion of Doom. Early in the brawl, the faces clean house and beat up some nameless thugs in suits. Out of the six men in this match, the only one still employed two years later was Faarooq. Even odder, one of his lackeys was also still employed: a young D-Lo Brown. Kinda funny who makes it in life. Until he broke Droz’s spine into a million pieces, of course.
-While things completely break down in chaotic and disorganized fashion, I have to note that it was pretty wise putting Crush and Savio in the mock Islamic radical group. You know, you gotta shoo away any potential racial overtones by having the white Hawaiian and the snarling Puerto Rican with the black militants. This way, it seems just a TAD more innocent.
-Ahmed hits a somersault over the rail. No, I haven’t been eating white out.
-Animal and Crush go at it, and I’m the only person who remembers that they were the new Legion of Doom for about 3 weeks in 1992 after Hawk quit. Even Animal and Crush themselves don’t even remember that.
-Animal tries to piledrive Faarooq through the table and then wusses out, instead doing a lame pratfall when he realizes that it was gonna hurt bad. Way to expose the business, Joe.
-Here’s some fun: Savio Vega wraps a noose around Ahmed’s neck and tries to hang him from inside the ring. Maybe it’s my ignorance talking, but I think that’s the first time there’s ever been anything remotely racist in professional wrestling. I’ll wager my Saba Simba trading card that I’m right.
-Why is THIS match following Bret-Austin? Two violent matches in a row? Besides, this is the only other match of the night that I really liked. Why not put this match earlier in the card to set the tempo and get the crowd pumped up? WWE was really on the cusp of striking WCW in the face at this point, but they kept getting things backward, and muddling some minor details. It would be a full year before they’d contend, too. That’s kinda what TNA is like right now, so given history, don’t count the Orlandophiles out of the war just yet.
-Long story short, Crush eats a Doomsday Device and then is nailed with a 2X4 to end it. Also, D-Lo and Nation rappers PG-13 get destroyed post-match. Way to strike a blow for racial equality! Coming up next: Ahmed Johnson destroys MOVE headquarters with a 2X4.
-And now for the alleged main event, as Sycho Sid defends the WWE Title against The Undertaker. And here comes Shawn Michaels and his career ending knee injury to do commentary. Look at Shawn bounce down the aisle! Ah, the miracles of Mighty Putty.
-To further drive home Bret Hart’s new bad attitude, he comes out to yell at everyone (even using the word “pussyfoot”) before Sid powerbombs him. That’ll learn em.
-What follows is the most boring twenty minute match in the annals of WrestleMania history, one that is only fascinating because Michaels sits on commentary and runs his mouth about Bret while using a lame knee inury to avoid dropping the title legit. As a penance, Shawn was forced to age 35 years over the next 12.
-As Sid and Taker exchange the most basic of offensive slugs, Vince suddenly announces that the match is No DQ. Making up rules in mid match? Russo, that’s brilliant!
-Brawl. Brawl. Brawl. Table gets broken. Brawl. Brawl. Brian Griffin should be narrating this match for blind people. Except he would say “It’s over. A lot of people look relieved”.
-With Taker down, Sid would like to remind all of us to go visit camelclutchblog.com for all of the latest on sports, wrestling, MMA, American Idol, and life. In other words, he put Taker in the Camel Clutch. I hope this reference catches on. I’m trying, Eric.
-My word, this match is booooooooooring. Was there a dare in the office to make this match a reality? First, drunk JR said “Let’s put SID in the main event!”. Then drunk Brisco said “Let’s make him work 20 MINUTES!”. Then drunk Vince said “And he’ll face Taker so the pace will be SLOWER THAN USUAL!”. Then there was laughter, followed by drunk Patterson saying “I love you guys!” and the party came to an abrupt end. That Pat, what a buzzkill.
-Sid hits a pair of double axe handles! Amazing! I guess I have to rank it above a DUD now.
-Bret comes back out with a chair and hits Sid, because you can never have enough Bret. Except for his brother Bruce. Yes, Bruce seems to have had enough Bret for one lifetime.
-Sid manages to choke slam Undertaker and then signals for the power bomb, but Bret comes back out. He throats Sid across the apron, and the champ falls victim to the Tombstone to give Undertaker his second WWE Title. Horrible match, and Bret’s interference was moot, since Bret and Sid never wound up facing off. Still, Taker deserved the gold after the horrible angles he was forced to work over the years. So it definitely has a happy ending.
-CYNIC SAYS: Oh man, did Bret and Austin ever save this one. Without their contribution, it EASILY is the worst WrestleMania ever. Thankfully, they had the best match of all time, and that’s counting everything, not just WrestleManias. Both singles titles matches sucked, and the roster felt so thin that you could slide it through a car window to jimmy a lock with. I can’t believe this helped lead to the Attitude era, because fans today would piss all over this show.
So check out the submission match for sure, and the street fight as a curiousity. Everything else, feel free to avoid at all costs. But it’s not like you needed my permission. Just use common sense.
When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.
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This Monday marks the return of one of pro wrestling’s biggest icons. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin will return to WWE RAW to run the show and raise a little hell for one night only. It was a decade ago when Steve Austin’s hell raising was a regular part of our Monday night pro wrestling culture. Tonight, Austin will undoubtedly dish out some stunners and bring the chaos to a WrestleMania Rewind edition of WWE RAW.
-For the remaining nine reviews, since they’re all 4 hours (and one is 5), I’ll be chopping out a little bit of quantity to make it my standard 4000+ word format. Which is a shame because for this show, I want to rant forever.
-So it’s March 28, 1999, and we’re live from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA, where tonight…..you know….I can’t do this.
The WWE will close out the road to 
-Where were you on March 29, 1998, when WWE WrestleMania XIV emanated from the (since renamed) Fleet Center in Boston, Mass? If you’re like me, you were watching the show. If you’re not like me, then you’re….well, not like me. I’m not here to discriminate against you. That’s Bill Watts’ job.
-What makes this show fascinating is that my brother’s senior trip to Florida began the day before the event, and he didn’t make it home until Wednesday night afterward. He had just got back into 
