-So this was a bit like the end of an era for years truly. I was graduating high school in just three months, making this the first WWE WrestleMania of my adult life. The last time WrestleMania resided in Toronto, I was in kindergarten. Now, I was a high school senior, and the big event’s back at the Skydome in Toronto, Ontario, this time on March 17, 2002. Weird how things end up in life.

-Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, whose knees are still worn out from the groveling he had to do to reclaim his old job. The event looks like a hybrid of WrestleManias VI and X7, which is my way of saying it’s like X7, but with a darker lighting scheme. The atmosphere’s nice, I’ll give em that.

-The story is that WWE, at the end of the Attitude era, bottomed out with a botched WCW Invasion angle, and is now relying on a new crazy scheme: bringing back the New World Order. This is annoying to 18 year old Justin, because he doesn’t really want to live in the past, and it’s annoying to 26 year old Justin, because every time he types ‘NWO‘ in Microsoft Word, it changes it to ‘now’, and I usually forget to change it back. It’s annoying because there’s nothing ‘now’ about the New World Order.

-Here to sing “Oh Cana—“, er, nevermind, here’s Saliva to sing “Superstar”. Well, I do enjoy me some Saliva, and this was their “free” era. That’s when a band’s first one or two albums phenomenally rock your world, and then they “branch out” and listen to the corporate agents, who streamline their sound to try and make it more mainstream. Blood Stained Love Story says hi. Song goes on a bit long, but I do enjoy Josey Scott yelling “GET YOUR ASS UP OVER YOUR SHOULDERS!”. If I could contort my body like that, I’d be more popular at parties for sure.

-Nice opening video with the main event guys talking about what WrestleMania means to them. Scott Hall has comments too.

-The show kicks off, much like last year, with the Intercontinental Title match with, much like last year, William Regal defending against, much like last year, a long haired IWC idol who is apparently never pushed enough. In this case, it’s Rob Van Dam.

-Funny moment, as Regal goes for his now-trademark brass knux from the onset, and RVD kicks them out of his hand. They flew pretty far, and I wonder how long we as fans would have talked about the “fan getting hit with flying knux” story on the net had it happened.

-I remember bracing myself for the swerve in this match, since I was HYOOOOGE RVD mark and wanted so badly to see him win the IC Title, to become a “legit” contender. Now they just put the IC Title on whoever Vince has a crush on this week and the whole thing is moot. Here, Drew, looks good on ya!

-Just tremendous see-saw stuff, albeit rushed. That’s carny for “we only have, like, seven minutes, so let’s get about 40 moves in and hope that it looks good”. Don’t worry guys, it does.

-RVD tries for the catch-the-foot-throw-a-roundhouse spot, but Regal hits a SICKENING half nelson suplex that spikes RVD on his head, and Van Dam rolls to the floor awkwardly. I think we all thought RVD was dead here. That’s because we all forgot that RVD was a combination of Gumby and Drugs Delaney. He’ll be fine, just roll the man a little something something.

-Regal tries to finish with a second pair of knux, but RVD lands a roundhouse, and then lands the Five Star for his first IC Title. Hope you liked this match, because you won’t see the IC belt defended until WM25. You also won’t be seeing Regal on this tour until….well, ever. Man hasn’t had a Mania match since. What’s up with that? Seriously, great match to kick things off, though.

-Christian mocks DDP’s grin. Hey Christian, if you really wanna hit him low, you should point out how you learned to read thirty years before he did.

-After bashing Toronto to ensure that he doesn’t get cheered, Christian arrives to face Diamond Dallas Page for the WWE European Championship. The gimmicks in play here include Christian portraying a compulsive whiner prone to tantrums, and Page was a smiling motivational speaker whose smile scared children. So if you were a fan of Celebrity Deathmatch, imagine Kanye West taking on an anti-matter Matt Foley.

-Wow, JR plays the “DDP was at WrestleMania VI in this building as a limo driver” card. So when Edge watched Rhythm and Blues come out to sing, I’m sure he thought “One day, my kayfabe brother is going to fight that chauffer while I tangle with a man who sounds like Tone Loc with dreadlocks over a bottle of shampoo! Gonna be SWEET!”

-The whole point of the match is that it’s a six minute backdrop to provide Christian a chance to have a tantrum and thus validate his character. I dunno, that’s more of a Backlash-No Mercy concept, I think. I like my WrestleManias to have a little more substance. It was hard to take Christian seriously at this point anyway, since he resembled a male version of Shannon Moore.

-Christian nearly has a meltdown of Ozzie Guillen proportions after Page kicks out of the falling reverse DDT. He stops himself, but can’t stop himself from eating the Diamond Cutter for the pinfall loss. Christian finally does spaz when Page points out that he lost in front of 68,000 fans, and JR screams for someone to get Christian a diaper. No problem, unless Hulk’s being stingy with his.

-The Rock is backstage, and he abuses Jonathan Coachman into saying his prayers. Isn’t it funny how Coach is universally reviled by the majority of marks and smarks alike, yet he and Rocky among the select few on this show (excepting Trish Stratus as well) that can leave wrestling and never have to look back? Coachman’s with ESPN and likely earning in the six figures to tell us why Danica Patrick and Lebron James will always be important, and we should be proud of The Coach. He made it. So many others haven’t.

-In an odd choice for a match, Maven (of Tough Enough fame) defends the WWE Hardcore Title against Goldust. In essence, Goldust pummels Maven with weapons that have been spray painted gold (trash can, shovel, etc) until Spike Dudley runs in and steals the pin to become champion. Then Crash Holly gives chase, then Maven, then Goldust, yada yada yada.

-To waste some more time, here’s Drowning Pool to perform “Tear Away”, while, as Lillian says they “tell the story of tonight’s main event”. Like the guys who sang “Bodies” could give a damn that Chris Jericho’s limo hit a dog. For those who believe that WWE only began to insult the crowd’s intelligence recently, boy have I got news for you.

-Backstage, the Hardcore shenanigans continue, which sees Al Snow drive a go-cart into a stack of boxes that were there for some reason, and The Hurricane fly in on a rope and thrust kick Spike to win the title. Then Hurricane runs off. Because he hears sirens.

-Next we have Kurt Angle vs. Kane, which is a feud I barely remember. Angle does, however, insult the fans for the Canadian pairs skating team controversy. Angle can take any sign of the times and just roll with it for the easy cheap heat. Here’s the question: given how divided America was during the Vietnam War, if Angle had wrestled in the sixties, which side do you think he would have been more likely to antagonize? Makes you think, doesn’t it?

-Angle attacks with the ring bell! I can see Angle playing Savage, but Kane as Steamboat? A little odd, to say the least. Unless Kane was a “fire breathing dragon”.

-For a monster, Kane’s sure giving Angle a ton of offense. See, I like these matches, because the dark-side loving marks who cheer for Kane will appreciate Angle as a gut-stomping villain who can take the fight to anyone, and the smarks who revere Angle can appreciate Kane for keeping up in a good match with such a talented pro. Everyone wins.

-It’s a shame that Kane’s been reduced to being nothing more than a chubby trial horse for the kiddies on Smackdown to work their craft on. He’s keeping pace with Angle, with a minimum of hoss silliness.

-Kane tries for a chokeslam, but Angle fidgets with Kane’s mask to throw him off his game. So when Jericho did it to Rey, he’d gotten the idea from Angle. Thieves….are….HYP-o-crites…..

-After Kane kicks out of the Angle Slam, Angle tries the Ankle Lock about 400 times to no avail. Jeez, get a clue, Kurt, he’s not up for tapping tonight. Angle ultimately counters a chokeslam into an awkward cradle and pulls the ropes for a poor excuse for a pinning combo, yet he gets the win off of it. Really good match and one of Kane’s best ever, but the ending did no favors. Fun while it lasted, though.

-Instead of trying to leave the building with the Hardcore Title, Hurricane tries to hide amongst the Godfather’s ho’s. You can LEAVE, Gregory, it’s not like Bill Watts is running the show!

-Highlight package for the Undertaker vs. Ric Flair street fight, with two noticeable occurrences: one is La Resistance’s theme playing for part of the video, and the other is a fan that Ric Flair accidentally assaulted played by…..Paul London! That’s not realistic at all. He wouldn’t have been allowed into the building with after a proper cavity search.

-Flair, who has a knack for storytelling, immediately attempts to pound Taker into oblivion for attacking his son, his friend Arn Anderson, and for making him hit Paul London. London was trained by Shawn Michaels, and lord knows Flair would NEVER do anything to upset Shawn.

-It doesn’t last long, as Taker seats Flair at ringside and unleashes a nasty gusher from Ric’s forehead, just pounding the cut until it looks like Flair’s going to be emptied at any moment. Nobody can empty Flair quicker than the Internal Revenue Service, but Taker’s a close second.

-Taker punching. Taker punching. Taker punching.

-After a seesaw slugfest, Flair manages to retrieve a lead pipe from Undertaker’s motorcycle (yes, he was still a biker at this point), and bashes the Dead Man to bust him open. Well, it’s a minor wound, but Lawler still believes that Taker’s papercut is a worse gash than Ric Flair’s forehead, which looks suspiciously like a bowl of tomato soup. Lawler also believes that he could attract the same women he gets now without millions in the bank, so let’s not go and shatter his delusions.

-Ross on Lawler’s prior assessment: “Are you drunk?”. I hope he is. Gives Jake Roberts someone to play cards with.

-Arn Anderson slides in to hit Undertaker with a Spinebuster, which I marked like a mofo for, but it can’t keep Taker down. Because Undertaker is not Firebreaker Chip.

-After Taker disposes of Arn, he takes on a figure four from Flair, but he goozles his way free. Flair won’t take the Last Ride, so Taker’s all “screw it” and lands the Tombstone for the win. A damn good match that’s lost amongst the Rock/Hogan hoopla, and I loved the intensity throughout.

-Afterward, Taker raises ten fingers, one by one, on the apron to mark his milestone. Has anyone else even WON ten matches at WrestleMania, let alone in a row? I think Shawn’s won maybe 6 or 7. Good stuff.

-Booker T cuts a promo to prove his stupidity. I always liked that in WWE that we’ve never been allowed to have a black character that’s displayed a ton of intelligence and intuition, outside of maybe Faarooq in the NOD days. And yet, Vince is there to paste the Martin Luther King montage on Raw every January. Perplexing.

-Edge realizes his dream of wrestling in Skydome at a WrestleMania! YAY EDGE!

-Said dream entails of: a disinterested crowd, Edge nearly breaking his neck on a top rope hurrachanrana, a badly blown Spinarooni attempt, and a win over Booker T in a match that was contested over a bottle of shampoo. But he’ll always have a the dream.

-Here’s an idea: why not have Booker feud with Page over who brought the WCW Invasion down, then do a six man tag: Edge and the Hardyz vs. Christian and the Dudleyz, TLC for the European (if Christian has it) and Tag Team Titles? You can stick Billy and Chuck and the APA on the pre-show or something. Flows better, doesn’t it? I think so.

-Meanwhile, Mighty Molly bashes The Hurricane with a frying pan to become Hardcore Champion. What a team: devoted missionary and violent drunk. It’s like the plot of Hancock, except….somehow better?

-And now for an interesting one: Stone Cold Steve Austin takes on Scott Hall of the New World Order. Austin was none too happy about being shunted down the card to feud with a chronic drunk (oh, the irony), and actually walked out the following day, not returning for a couple weeks.

-Brutal slugfest to begin things, and Kevin Nash earns his money for the year by removing the turnbuckle pad. That was very risky of him to do, since that’s his GOOD triceps that he used.

-Austin is bumped to the outside, and has to bear the brunt of a Nash onslaught. Hit his leg, Steve, that tends to work.

-Back inside, Austin hits Hall with a spinebuster, Then he follows up with a Stunner, but Nash pulls the ref out and clobbers him. Outsiders double team and Hall gets a chair, but Austin manages to Stun both men by himself. Way to keep those nWo t-shirt sales strong, guys.

-Another ref comes in and Nash drops an elbow on him. What’s up with Nash….and doing moves and stuff? Crazy.

-Nash is lulled from ringside by the promise of free Revlon, so Austin finishes Hall off with two Stunners for the win. This did nothing for Hall, who has to be a ruthless invader, and nothing for Austin, who was proving to no longer be the main event star. Decent match, but came at a heavy price.

-This leads to the fatal fourway for the WWE World Tag Team Titles, as Billy & Chuck (pre-Rico) defend the gold against the APA, Dudley Boyz, and Hardy Boyz. As a bonus, Saliva plays the Dudz new music live, and Josey Scott gets to grind with Stacy Keibler. Lucky punk.

-Just your standard multiple team fare, without the fun of broken tables and JR freaking out. In fact, APA eats an early elimination after a 3D. Remember when Bradshaw was just midcard fodder? Shhh, no one’s supposed to know that.

-Jeff Hardy was looking AWFUL here. Imagine if Sheamus was a fifteen year old raver, and you get Jeff in 2002. Even JR has to note how sickly pale he looks. Maybe he’s a Make-a-Wish kid, because he just got to slap Stacy’s butt as she tried distracting him with a wedgie, following up by kissing her. Well, that was MY wish too.

-After D-Von crashes through a table at ringside, Bubba Ray falls victim to the Hardyz finish. The crowd’s scared that Billy & Chuck may survive with the belts. Who says Canada’s not judgmental?

-Sure enough, a Fame-Asser/belt shot combo is enough to keep Jeff down for Billy & Chuck to retain. Bland match, and the crowd wasn’t into it, other than rooting against the champs. Let’s just move on.

-So backstage, Hulk Hogan calls off the Outsiders in regards to his match, and Christian nails Molly with a door to win the Hardcore Title. Just getting these out of the way, because I’m giddy about what’s next.

-And here it is: the match that changed everything.

-WWE’s pro-youth stance was shattered on this night. All of the pandering that Vince McMahon has done from 2002 onward in regards to nostalgia acts and milking out-of-date gimmicks for all they’re worth can be traced back to this match. Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock, in a match between a 48 year old has been who had been absent from WWE for nearly nine years, and a 29 year old man who was becoming world famous, and was a great ambassador for the industry.

-So Toronto booed the kid and cheered the old guy. But hey, didn’t we all?

-JR has the balls to call this a “mixed reaction”. JR also called the Grenada conflict “evenly matched”.

-Hogan shoves Rock down a couple of times and poses, and the crowd reaction is INSANE. My brother and I joined in as Hogan went all eighties-y on us and we marked out like we were kids. And I was 18, thus having no excuse.

-Rock comes back and takes Hogan down, and the crowd boos. No wonder Vince Carter quit on this city.

-AXE BOMBER!!!! He beat Stan Hansen with it! But Rock’s no Stan Hansen. Like Rock would ever drop a midcard title to Lex Luger.

-Hogan’s doing the most elementary of moves (abdominal stretch, backrakes, 10 punches in the corner, forehead bite) and the fans are losing their mind. I think if 70,000 fans cheered Miss Jackie vs. Trish Stratus, I could get into that, too. Not that this match here sucks or anything.

-Rock chops away, and then cups his hand to his ear to mock Hulk. Fans boo lustily. I’m enjoying myself far too much.

-Hogan chokes the #1 babyface in the world with his wristtape, and the fans begin chanting his name. Not Rock’s name, but Hulk’s name. Do you think this annoyed Rock any, or do you think he was busy trying to remember his lines for the Rundown?

-The fight spills to the floor and Hogan clears off one of the tables, but it doesn’t get used. Rock tries to use a chair, but has it taken away. I nominate this for “best alleged hardcore match in wrestling history”, next to any Steve Blackman Hardcore Title defense.

-Ref bump, and Rock takes Hogan down with a spinebuster and sharpshooter. Hogan taps, which doesn’t count. You may be noticing a trend in this era.

-HULK BOTTOM! IT GETS 2! And it’s Yappapi strap time, as both men exchange shots with the weapon. Rock gets the upper hand and hits Rock Bottom….BUT HULK KICKS OUT! HE’S HULKING UP! THIS PLACE IS INSANE! 3 PUNCHES! BIG BOOT! LEGDROP! BUT ROCK KICKS OUT! PANDEMONIUM!

-Hogan misses a second leg drop, and then Rock lands two Rock Bottoms and a People’s Elbow to win one HELL of a fun match. Afterward, Hulk shakes Rock’s hand, and the Outsiders attack Hulk for being a turncoat. After Rock and Hulk run them off, Rock has Hogan pose for the fans like old times, andwhat a moment that it was. The two men walk off together, with Hogan endorsing Rock as the modern day star. I can’t speak enough about how great this was, and I still got giddy eight years later watching it. If you haven’t seen it, do it.

-What do you mean the show’s not over?

-Crowd for X8: 68,237. Thank you, Howard Finkel (#18!)

-Now for the Women’s title match, which is just dead in the water. Jazz defends the gold against Trish Stratus and Lita. The only thing that’s notable in the early going is that Trish has a maple leaf on the back of her tights. Alright, I’m kinda interested now.

-Crowd is dead, except when Lita wrenches her knee in the turnbuckle. If they were banking on hometown girl Trish to keep the fans alive till the main event, well Jasper, they thought wrong.

-Trish goes off the apron and Jazz spikes Lita with the Jazz Stinger for the win. No offense to any of these three women, since I have no issue with any of them but…..NEXT.

-Christian tries to make his escape with the Hardcore Title, but is pinned by Maven outside, who then absconds with Christian’s ride to the hotel. Well, that was just utterly pointless, wasn’t it?

-And now, the death march commences.

-Chris Jericho defends the Undisputed Championship against Triple H. The storyline here was…..Triple H won the Royal Rumble and uhh….Chris Jericho was champion so uhh…..they have a match. Oh, and Hunter was divorcing Stephanie, and they fought for custody of the dog. So Stephanie sided with Jericho and Jericho’s limo accidentally backed over the dog. Jericho, the most important champion at the time, was also walking the dog because Stephanie told him to.

-I’m going to need a moment to re-cope with the reality of that statement.

-Drowning Pool is here to play their rendition of “The Game”. Dear Drowning Pool, you’re not Lemmy. Sincerely, everyone with taste. Dave Williams, the singer of Drowning Pool, died months later of heart failure on the band’s tour bus. Hey Marc Mero, there’s somebody you forgot to put on your “wrestling deaths” list. It’s ok, you can have this one for free.

-Oh, right, the other story is that HHH is still hurting from his prior quadriceps injury, and Jericho’s looking to exploit that. Wow, look, the first part of the main event that HASN’T annoyed me. The crowd is too dead to be annoyed. Hogan wore em out. Maybe TNA should just move to Toronto?

-Hunter slams Jericho from the top rope to ringside. Well, alright, that was cool.

-Hunter and Jericho take turns working each other’s legs, which is not really the way to go if you’re trying to resuscitate the crowd. Stephanie screeching isn’t really helping matters either.

-Jericho saves Stephanie after Hunter brought her in the ring. What he wouldn’t have gave to break character for just one second. Disappointment as a champion, eh? Poor Jericho.

-Jericho and Hunter try and re-enact the Walls of Jericho on the table spot that helped injure Hunter in the first place, but Hunter ends up going through a table instead. Well, at least the psychology is sound.

-Jericho ultimately locks in the Walls inside the ring, but Hunter avoids passing out. Triple H is a better man than us all.

-After Hunter DDT’s Jericho onto a chair, Stephanie interjects herself one time too many, and Hunter makes her eat a Pedigree in the middle of the ring. Crowd kinda cheers that one. For someone who had needed comeuppance for a long time, they can’t go crazy for that? Man, Hulk must be like roofies or something.

-Jericho tries his own Pedigree, but Hunter sends him to the buckles. Jericho’s rebound dive falls onto a kick, and Hunter spikes him with the Pedigree to win the Undisputed title. Technically, the match was pretty good, but the lack of emotion from the fans, and Hunter’s slow pace selling the injury made this hard to want to invest into. If the rumors about Jericho being buried by the office over his title reign are true, then he probably wishes he didn’t put in the effort. Not that it seemed worth it anyway. Weird end to a generally weird show.

-CYNIC SAYS: Well, forget about topping last year’s effort right off the bat. I wouldn’t say anything on this show was terrible, so let’s look for some middle ground here. Rock-Hogan is a must-see, and Taker-Flair, Angle-Kane, RVD-Regal, and Jericho-HHH I’d rank as good. Everything else is going to go based on your personal tastes. For me, too many short matches featuring good competitors.

So it’s not a bad show, by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it was fun in a lot of parts. Sort of like an All-Star game that doesn’t quite live up to the hype: it doesn’t suck, but it was fun to see all the stars.

So let’s go with that.

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

Check out the WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 3 – 1995-1999 (WrestleMania XI-XV)

WWE WrestleMania – The Complete Anthology, Vol. 4 – 2000-2004 (WrestleMania XVI-XX)

Read WWE WrestleMania : The Official Insider’s Story

From the ring to your wall – WWE REAL.BIG Wall Graphics on sale now at Fat Head!

-For the remaining nine reviews, since they’re all 4 hours (and one is 5), I’ll be chopping out a little bit of quantity to make it my standard 4000+ word format. Which is a shame because for this show, I want to rant forever.

-Who was the April Fool on April 1, 2001 as we come to you from the Reliant Astrodome in Houston, TX for WWE WrestleMania X-Seven? Well, Vince had just bought WCW so they were finished, and ECW was days away from its bankruptcy hearing, so the biggest non-fool was Vince. Wait, why am I wasting time? I only have 4000 words to tell you that this is the greatest wrestling show in the history of time, so let’s just do it!

-Your hosts are Jim Ross and Paul Heyman, who had taken over for Jerry Lawler one month prior when Lawler quit the company. He quit in protest because WWE fired his girlfriend, the one who three months later ran off with an indie guy and publically disgraced “The King”. Boy, you can imagine THAT was embarrassing.

-No America the Beautiful or national anthem. Given the events that occurred five months later, do you really think WWE is a patriotic company, or just cashing in on jingoistic trends? You can guess my point of view.

-We start with the IC Title match, as Chris Jericho defends against then-commissioner William Regal. Jericho besmirched Regal by peeing in his tea, so Regal besmirched him back by kicking the snot out of him. That’s exactly how Magnum TA and Tully Blanchard got started.

-I miss the days before Regal discovered tanning, when every babyface opponent he had would light him up with chops just to redden his chest. Hunter can try that now with Sheamus, to see if the chest will match the hair.

-A lot of fan pinfall attempts, which leads one to think that this isn’t going to be a very long match. Everybody get your stuff in now!

-Regal slams Jericho into the exposed turnbuckle a couple of times, but Jericho basically shakes the pain off and hits the run-up enzuigiri. Of the eleven matches on this card, I think this is definitely the best opener choice. You can cut it short, and nobody gets upset about it. It’s also two pros that can bring the massive crowd to life in the early going, so good choices all around.

-Jericho lands a lionsault and remembers that his shoulder’s supposed to be hurt before covering Regal to keep the gold. Good seven minute opener that did what it had to do, and we’re off to a good start.

-Shane McMahon arrives in a limo. Forget Triple H and Stephanie, is Shane the biggest Jericho hater in the McMahon army? He can’t even show up in time for his match on the biggest night of the year, and he owns STOCK in the company!

-Next up, in a moderate “Get everybody on the show” attraction, Tazz and the APA take on Right to Censor members Val Venis, The Goodfather, and Bull Buchanan. Remember when Bradshaw used to have to get heat with his patriotic Texas boy suck-up rants? He has to namedrop Nolan Ryan here to get the crowd behind him, even though he’s fighting three tools in dress clothes who want to get rid of sex and violence. Tough times for JBL.

-Match is basically just an exhibition to keep the crowd noise on life support as we progress into the bigger matches. The only real spot of note is Tazz missing the top rope on a whip because he’s about 4′7”. Tazz can speak in that angry voice all he wants, but I still laughed.

-Bradshaw finishes a quick one with the Clothesline From Hell on Goodfather. At least the faces won, which keeps the fans happy. Can you believe that on the face team, you have a WWE Champion, WCW Champion, and ECW Champion? I couldn’t believe it either.

-Just a quick side note: the greatest character in wrestling history is comatose Linda McMahon. Seriously, she’s so lifeless, how does she DO it? Oh, that’s just how she really is?

-To give the crowd a violence appetizer before TLC later, Raven defends the Hardcore Title against Kane and Big Show. This is notable because Show’s late getting to the ring, and JR goes on a worked-shoot tangent about how Show can’t make a living off of potential, that he has to get it done in the ring. Man, when a guy who’s known for making barbecue references in every third sentence calls you a lazy mook, then maybe you should get ye a treadmill.

-After brawling backstage through the sea of people, Kane and Raven keep the tempo alive while Show sulks behind. Alright, JR, you were right.

-Show tries to lock himself and Raven in an enclosure, but Kane just rips the door off. Hey Show, if Kane can tear off the Hell in a Cell door, this should be a cinch. For a bonus, Kane throws Raven through a window. That’s enough to earn Kane the Mike Mizanin “I Came to Play” award.

-Then comes the golf cart chase, as Raven tries to drive off and he and Show barrel into the chain link fence, then Kane follows with the referee and proves to be a smooth driver, not unlike Mike Myers in the original Halloween. Then he runs over Raven’s leg. Well, ouch.

-Finally, Raven gets put out of his misery when the fight spills back onto the stage, and Kane kicks him and Show off through a side platform. Then Kane leaps off and covers Show for the win and the title. It seemed like it was just going to be filler at first, but it turned into quite the exciting little match. I enjoyed it.

-Kurt Angle’s too busy watching a match with he and Chris Benoit to have seen Raven’s effort in the last match. Well, that’s just selfish. Also, The Rock arrives now, just to spite the undercard. Screw Bull Buchanan, who’d he ever beat?

-Up next is the European Title, as Test defends against Eddie Guerrero. Hoo boy, is this match just plain creepy now. At least Perry Saturn’s hat cheers me up.

-Eddie does what he does best, and he sells for Test and his power display. Question: Why do we refer to Eddie Guerrero as “Eddie” but Chris Benoit as “Benoit”? Is it because “Guerrero” is too complicated to spell for some people? It’s a surname, for chrissakes, let’s just learn it. GUERRERO does what he does best. There, I broke the habit.

-Now to spice things up a bit, Test gets his ankle caught in the ropes, and they have to spend 60 seconds figuring out how to free him, getting a big ovation when they finally do. It’s the biggest pop Test got post-1999, so it’s definitely a banner night for all.

-Dean Malenko runs out to speed things things along, since he wants to see the Benoit/Angle match, so he helps Saturn distract Test, allowing Guerrero to hit Test with the European title for the win and the gold. Decent match, but just was there to get everyone involved. First heel win of the night.

-Mick Foley promises to call tonight’s Vince and Shane match right down the middle. Yeah, like Mick has a reason to be biased against Vince.

-Now for something a little more serious: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit in a straight up one on one match. This is the first time in WWE history that I can recall two men doing the mat-wrestling stalemate sequence to begin a match, and getting a tremendous ovation for it. I like the story here, as Benoit keeps scaring Angle with the Crossface, and Kurt’s nerves lead to him falling into other Benoit moves. The psychology’s always sound with these two.

-Angle takes control, dominating Benoit on the outside and then pummeling him with suplexes inside. They were really beginning to get Angle over as a mat machine, you know, before he and Austin became unlikely best friends. Badges?

-Angle gets his belly to belly suplexes, and Benoit comes back with the rolling Germans. I think we have the first match of the night candidate. Sorry, Raven and Jericho, you’re out of the running.

-Now for a staple of WWE at the time: mind-screw submission holds, as Benoit applies Angle’s own anklelock, and Angle manages to get his own version of the Crossface. Crowd’s enjoying themselves too. Maybe there’s hope for Daniel Bryan yet.

-After a ref bump, Benoit gets Angle in his own Crossface, and Angle of course taps without an official. Story of Benoit’s life. As Benoit goes to maybe blow a snot rocket on the dead ref, Angle gets an Angle Slam for 2. After Benoit gets the diving headbutt, but when Benoit tries for a German, Angle goes low and gets a complicated rollover to win. Great match, and it told the characters’ stories to a tee: one is great, but the other is greater when he cheats. I’m enjoying myself all over again.

-Psuedo intermission segment where the following happens: Kamala destroys Regal’s office, footage is shown at the Fort Hood rally (RIP to those who perished in the recent shooting), and Benoit beats up Angle backstage and makes him tap.

-Ivory defends the Women’s title against Chyna, and since I have disdain for both performers, let’s just say that Chyna dresses like some demented version of a Bratz doll and beats Ivory in three minutes to win the title. Remember when Chyna said that belt was beneath her? So do I. She’d be gone within months to realize her true calling: incomprehensible walking meltdown for the Howard Stern fringe crowd. Always good to see someone realize their potential.

-Vince promises that tonight, we’re going to get “shocking”. I hate it when he promises surprises. He’d be a great evil dad in horror movies, though. “You wanna go for a ride? I’ll take you….for a ride….heh heh heh heh….”

-So it’s Vince and Shane in a street fight, which began when Shane defended Linda’s honor after Vince cheated on her publicly with Trish. Stephanie sided with Vince because of the whole Elektra complex. Shane then bought WCW before his dad could, just to show that he could run something as doomed to fail as the XFL. Foley’s the ref, just because. Linda’s in a wheelchair doing her best acting over. Trish is here too. Got all that?

-Shane gives a shoutout to his WCW homies in the skybox. LANCE STORM! HE FINALLY MADE IT TO WrestleMania! I wonder if he’s writing down notes on how horrible this show is. He’s like Comic Book Guy with a six pack.

-The brawl spills to the floor, where Shane bashes his dead with a metal sign, and then some SICK shots with a kendo stick that was under the ring. Good God, can Vince take a beating or what? Say what you will, but in these matches, he seems to have some sort of endurance level that can’t be obtained by mere mortals. I mean, Shane is just PASTING him, not even holding back. I’m loving it.

-Know who’s needed in the skybox? Ted Turner, just so he can mark out TOO hard when Shane beats his dad with assorted weapons. That would be a hallmark moment.

-By the way, Heyman’s unabashed devotion to cheering Vince is insanely funny, and it sounds like the ranting of someone who desperately needs money. Funny because it’s true.

-So Shane wipes out through the Spanish commentary table as Stephanie pulls her dad off of it. Shane gets to play dead for the next five minutes or so as Trish brings Linda out in the wheelchair. Now comes the fun stuff.

-Trish slaps Vince to signal a face turn, and then she and Stephanie get into a fun catfight that Foley tries to break up. Scrooge. Trish finally chases Steph to the locker room, and that’s when Vince spots Linda at ringside. His mouthing of a certain obscenity is a great moment.

-Vince smashes Mick with a chair as Foley tries to get Linda to safety. He brings Linda inside and sits her in the corner, so she can watch as he punishes Shane further. After landing a couple trash can shots, Vince gets cocky before doing the third, and is oblivious to Linda standing up (to a CRAZY pop). Vince turns and she kicks him right in the Genetic Jackhammer. Then Foley beats Vince up, and then Shane lands the Shane Terminator (corner to corner dropkick, into a trash can into Vince’s face) for the win. THIS is the template for “overbooked crap” that we need more of. Just insanely fun stuff, and it still holds up even today. Hell, the whole SHOW is holding up.

-Backstage, Undertaker warms up for his eventual match by shadow boxing. That’ll work off the pork rinds if you do enough of them.

-In case that the last match wasn’t enough of an insane spotfest, here’s something to take things up another notch: the Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match between Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, The Hardy Boyz, and Edge and Christian. Difference between this and last year is that this year, there’s no crappy show to have to kick into high gear.

-Much like last year, they get the poetry in motion and the Wazzzzzup drops out of the way, just to get to the bigger stuff in a flurry. I wholeheartedly support this idea.

-Here’s a sick one for you: both Hardyz slide into a ladder, knocking the Dudleyz against the guardrail. I have to say, the dark sky peeking in through the dome makes it feel like that this match is taking place at WrestleMania VI. I’d love to see the Rockers, Harts, and Demolition in one of these matches. Crap, I just blew my own mind.

-“D-VON…..GET THE TABLES!” And with that, a two wide, two high stack of four tables is set up in the aisleway. Anyone else think they’ll get used? I do.

-And just like last year, all six men climb a set of three ladders for a race-spot, and all six men tumble off in painful fashion. It was times like this when WWE really knew their audience.

-To add a new wrinkle to this year’s match, all three teams have an ally that makes his or her presence felt. As Edge climbs to get the belts, Spike Dudley runs in and nails him with the Dudley Dog. After Spike gives Christian one as well, Rhyno comes in and accosts Jeff Hardy on behalf of E&C. Then Edge tries going up again, and Lita runs in to pull him down. Jim Ross utters “Lita….jerkin’ Edge off” and then pauses before saying “the ladder!”. I’m immature, I know, but what are you going to do about it?

-Lita creams Spike with a sickening chair shot and then removes her top, just get hit with 3D. Anybody else miss her protruding thong?

-Jeff decides that now is a good time to be insane, as he uses the painter’s ladder to Swanton off and put Rhyno and Spike through at ringside. That whacky Jeff, always living for the moment.

-Then with Bubba and Matt on another painter’s ladder, Rhyno shoves it, sending both men flying through the table tower in the aisle in what I feel is the greatest table bump EVER. Prove me wrong, readers.

-Finally, Edge prevents D-Von from climbing, and Rhyno lifts Christian in an electric chair lift, pushing him up the ladder so that he can grab the belts for the win. Off the charts insanity that topped last year’s match, and the truncated length definitely helped. Great effort from everyone involved.

-Howard Finkel (#17!) announces the crowd at 67,925 which makes me feel all nostalgic for 1990 and WrestleMania VI. Then Limp Bizkit’s “My Way” plays. Well, that ruined the feeling. Still, it’s Fred Durst’s best song, so huzzah.

-And now for the gimmick battle royal, with Mean Gene Okerlund and Bobby Heenan returning to do commentary. The participants are The Bushwhackers, Duke Droese, Iron Sheik, Earthquake, Doink, The Goon, Kamala, Kim Chee, Repo Man, Jim Cornette, Nikolai Volkoff, Michael PS Hayes, One Man Gang, Gobbeldy Gooker, Tugboat, Hillbilly Jim, Brother Love, and Sgt. Slaughter. Somewhere, RD Reynolds had a tear in his eye. And it wasn’t because he knew he’d one day employ Blade Braxton.

-What follows is three minutes of bad brawling, but who cares? It was FUN. Sheik finally wins it after dumping Hillbilly, and then Slaughter runs in to apply the Cobra Clutch on the winner. Watch out Slaughter, he’ll do a Youtube shoot on you for that one.

-Hooray for the patron saint of camelclutchblog.com. YOU VILL BE HUM-BELLED!

-MOTORHEAD! Sure, Lemmy can’t do the words to Triple H’s theme right, but it’s ok. Chill-inducing rendition of “The Game”, as we lead into the semi-main event of The Undertaker and Triple H, streak vs. nostrils. The feud featured Hunter’s most bad ass moment ever, when he took Taker down backstage, put a chair over his throat, and then sat on it while taunting him. Good stuff.

-Spanish announce table #2 goes in a hurry, thanks to HHH. Good to see Hunter keep his dad-in-law’s pro American stance alive.

-Back inside, after a SMALL ref bump, Taker is pissed when Mike Chioda counts slow, so Taker simply destroys him and knocks him out. With an elbow drop. For 10 minutes. If you heard two sounds of gunfire at this point, that was tranq darts being fired at Cornette backstage and Storm in the skybox. Just shut up, you two.

-The two men then brawl through the crowd and over to the production tower, which is a unique situation for a wrestling match. The two men fight in there, and Undertaker proceeds to chokeslam him out of it. SICKNESS! Well, until they show the replay, where Hunter landed on about 7 feet of padded foam. Eh well, looked nice at first.

-Back to the ring after the extended crowd brawl, and Chioda is still out. That was some elbow drop.

-After some tomfoolery with the sledgehammer, Taker is unable to connect after a low blow. Then to get all nostalgic, Taker lands a tombstone for 2. CHIODA’S ALIVE! I’m relieved.

-Taker then tries for the Last Ride, but Hunter grabs the sledge and bashed the Dead Man’s scalp on the way up. He busts him open, but it only gets 2. Hunter then tries to punch Taker in the corner, but puts himself in position for his Last Ride to make Taker 9-0. Really great brawl, as you’d expect from these two. Ten matches in, and I haven’t even stopped for a piss break. And I’m watching this at 11 PM at night, with work the next day at 1 PM. Ya rly!

-Austin-Rock highlight package set to “My Way”. Austin said he HAD to win this match. Question is, just what will Austin do to ensure victory?

-Crowd is 80-20 in favor of Steve Austin, who is the home state hero. The Rock was the WWE Champion, and you wondered how they were going to end this. I’ll bet nobody watching guessed it right.

-Finkel did announce that it was no DQ, which is apparently shocking. You mean after a match where Taker flagrantly beats up the referee, they just threw the rulebook out? Absurd!

-Both men slug it out early and they bust out the classic moves, namely Austin with his Thesz press and middle finger elbow. You can sense the desperation from Austin here.

-They brawl into the crowd, like everyone else has done tonight. I think even Finkel and timekeeper Mark Yeaton went over the railing at one point.

-Austin dominates in the early going, which is consistent with the “I need to win” motif that he has, believing that it’s all over for himself if he loses. It’s those subtle character hints that WWE does better than anyone else. Are you listening, Dixie?

-Austin gets a superplex for 2 and then removes the turnbuckle pad, but Rock comes back to shift the momentum. They fight to the outside and Austin busts him open with the ringbell. Austin’s not going down without a fight.

-Austin works the cut as much as he can, and brings Rock back in to try and bash him into the exposed buckle, but Rock blocks and fires with lefts and rights to stop Austin in his tracks. After the two men jostle for control, it’s Austin who, ironically, eats the steel buckle. Then Rock repays him by waffling him with the ring bell. Tremendous, cerebral stuff, with a big time feel.

-With Austin now bleeding and Rocky now firmly in charge, the champ works the open cut and both men are fighting to stay alive. On the outside, Austin shifts the momentum yet again and slingshots Rock into the post, before bashing him with a TV monitor. At this point, the eventual winner was still not evident.

-Austin tries for a Stunner, but Rock takes him down and slaps on the sharpshooter. Reminiscent of four years earlier, Austin is bloodied, but will not give up. Austin uses the ropes for escape, and then wraps Rock up with his own Sharpshooter. The implied one-upsmanship on display here is incredible, and is a testament to both’s men abilities.

-Austin manages to get a Million Dollar Dream, but Rock uses the Bret Hart pushoff counter to get 2. Then Vince McMahon comes to ringside. But….but why?

-Rock takes down Austin with a spinebuster and then lands the People’s Elbow, but it only gets 2 when….Vince breaks up the pin? This was all so fresh and baffling. Why would Vince be helping Austin in the World Title match?

-Then after Austin lands a Rock Bottom on its owner, he gets 2, and then gives Rock an emphatic low blow. Then Austin….requests a chair from Vince? Vince….obliges?

-From here, Austin and Vince proceed to double team Rock in a truly surreal sequence. After Rock manages a kickout, he gives Austin a Rock Bottom, but Vince prevents a count. Rock pulls Vince into the ring, but Austin stuns Rock, getting only 2! AMAZING.

-Now we get the big finish: Austin destroys Rock with chair shot after chair shot while Vince barks out encouragement. In all, Rock takes about two dozen chair shots to the chest, gut, back, and hips as his body just simply gives out and Austin pins him to win the title. Austin and Vince celebrate with a beer, a handshake, and then Austin lays out Rock with the title to pull the trigger on his shocking heel turn. Excellent match to cap off an excellent show and, although the heel turn proved to be ineffective, the concept was interesting, and it added a new dimension to the character’s psyche: Austin felt his end was coming soon, and he had to do everything he could to hold his main event spot to prevent becoming an afterthought. Brilliant idea, but it just didn’t work.

-Limp Bizkit plays us out of here with a beautiful montage to “My Way”. I have to say, that might be my favorite WrestleMania song ever. And I HATE Fred Durst!

-CYNIC SAYS: Ho. Lee. Crap. I don’t think Vince McMahon, even with a perfect roster and a huge wave of momentum, could ever top this show. It was perfect from start to finish, and everything had a purpose. Those purposes were thusly served to perfection. Four matches you could make an argument were four stars are better: the technical masterpiece (Benoit/Angle), the wild soap opera (Vince/Shane), the insane spotfest (TLC), the mano y mano brawl (HHH/Taker), and the battle of the larger than life immortals (Rock/Austin).

This show is regarded as the end of the Attitude era, but what a way for it to go out. WWEE has not seen heights like this since, and although it may again one day, it’ll take a lot to convince me that it’s as good as this card. What’s left to say?

Oh, I know.

POSITIVE. FIVE. STARS!

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. Subscribe to The Cynical Examination, his wrestling blog, at http://www.facebook.com.

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I have to say since World Wrestling Entertainment bought World Championship Wrestling and Extreme Championship Wrestling, wrestling has been a bit boring. Now I was 9 years old when WCW and ECW went out of business, and the only memories I have of the Monday Night Wars are of sneaking downstairs when I could not sleep and watching World Championship Wrestling or World Wrestling Federation.

Now compared to the late 90’s I know a whole lot more about pro wrestling then I did as and eight years old. I have expanded my knowledge of the wrestling industry and might I say I think we wrestling fans are in for a good ride.

Now back on the fourth of January I was highly impressed with TNA Impact and the show and some of the old wrestlers coming back. I was excited to see Hogan in TNA since I’m a big fan of his, I know some people criticize him for some things he does as a promoter, authority figure and such, but I hope he can keep it clean. My favorite wrestler in TNA is AJ Styles and I was glad to notice that Ric Flair has seemed to make AJ another version of himself. TNA needs in my opinion to push the young talent and AJ is one of them. Now the problem I have with them is bringing in guy’s like the Nasty Boys, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman who I think can’t really draw interest anymore, unless it’s dealing with NWO part 3.

WWE has just been doing whatever like pushing guy’s like Triple H, John Cena and others for a while now and I’d like to see them push guys like Ted Dibiase, R-Truth, and Kofi Kingston to name a few. Depending what TNA does WWE will have to pick up their game. Pushing new stars like Dibiase, Kingston, Sheamus, and Truth are that they could possibly not be that big of a hit like John Cena, Randy Orton and others. I think what they are doing at the Elimination Chamber PPV by putting all three of those guys in a chamber match could possibly increase the prestige of the three. Kingston has feuded with Orton and I was impressed with Kingston’s ability to feud with Orton. Dibiase I believe will turn face very soon and feud with Orton also. R Truth to me is the question mark for a few reasons. First he’s about 35 years old I believe and I don’t know if WWE thinks of him anymore then a Mid-card talent, though he did eliminate the Big Show and Mark Henry in the rumble.

TNA continues to bring in guys from WWE and/or past their prime. Guy’s like Mr. Anderson, Kurt Angle, and D’Angelo Dinero I’m fine with them being brought in because they all have GREAT mic skills. Wrestling ability is also up there. Look at what Angle has done with people like Desmond Wolfe, AJ Styles, and Samoa Joe.

Now in most cases the sequel is a lot of the time not as the great as the original. Some things that TNA will have to do are try to get the ratings up if they want to make this a true war. They will need to develop some new stars as does WWE. Creativity on TNA’S part could help, I know they have their own special matches and other things. I’d get a few more guys on creative to broaden ideas. I think they will get nowhere in this war unless they come up with some creative ideas. My opinion right now is that they will not win this war because they are just like WWE in a lot of ways.

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Doc, you have to help me! I don’t know what to do! I need your help!

Start from the beginning? Well, alright. Lemme just get comfy on your couch here. Hmph, ahh, that feels better. Alright, to the beginning, here we go. Umm, let’s see here….

I guess it all started in the late eighties, over twenty years ago. I began to take an interest in women, since I was getting to that age, and I took to looking for a potential suitor, or in this case, “suitress”. Heh, I gotta be gender-specific here. Anywho, there were some interesting women I came across, two especially. One was from Atlanta, and was also well known in the Mid-Atlantic region for being precise and exciting. I mean, I guess she was alright, but she wasn’t exactly “aesthetically pleasing” to be honest. There was another from Minneapolis who, let’s be honest, partied like it was 1959. I mean, it was the eighties. Couldn’t she see that? So many women, so many “regional dialects” that were turnoffs to me. I’m from New Jersey, and I kind of look for someone with a big city, all-encompassing, worldly feel.

Sure enough, I found her.

She was from Stamford, Connecticut, and she identified with a New York state of mind. Some men scoffed at her, because they felt she was too over-the-top and glitzy, but that’s what I loved about her. She was reliable and dependable, in the sense that our dates always went on as scheduled. She had that professional sort of punctuality to her, which was a turn on. I could also bring her home to mom and dad, and they approved of her after a little ‘warming-up’ period. After all, they thought that she would be just like every other girl I had showed interest in, in that she would be dingy, crude, and “hickish”. She had this rather mainstream sort of glow to her, kind of like a walking pop culture icon, I suppose. I know, I’m rambling, because I mean…she was a wonderful girl.

“Was” is the operative word here, because for the first few years, it was absolute bliss. That was, until, about 1994 or so. She had been indicted on drug distribution charges, which caught me totally off guard at the time, but hindsight shows me that maybe I should have been a bit more aware of what was going on.

Through no small miracle, she was acquitted on all charges. OJ Simpson was acquitted of killing two people, but nobody in the world with any common sense would ever trust him again. That’s how I felt about the Stamford girl. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that I could trust her again, but it would have to be over time.

So we split up.

I moved on with my life, and the prospects seemed great. She, however, did everything she could to try and win me back. But I just needed some space. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see anyone at this point.

It all changed the following year, when I developed a relationship with this sleazy stripper, who we’ll call the Philadelphia girl. She may have been a bit unkempt, but she was straightforward and let me live out my carnal fantasies. The Stamford girl, as nice as she was, always had this “All-American girl” feel to her, and as nice as it was, it was also nice to feel a bit devilish at times, you know?

But then it gets even more complicated.

That fall, I found myself infatuated with somebody who reminded me of the Stamford girl, displaying many of her qualities, and she even felt fresh.

She was the Atlanta girl.

She just felt revolutionary in her own way, while retaining those familiar characteristics of the Stamford girl. Meanwhile, Stamford girl was having trouble with her finances and was looking like a pathetic shell more and more every day. I kinda missed her, but I didn’t, if that makes sense. Atlanta girl was, my god, she was amazing! Always a new wrinkle, always interesting. But the thing that bothered me was a lack of organization. We just did things on the fly, without any real planning or such. Worse, she would overload our relationship with novelty. Things that we could have staggered apart, like dinner dates, movie nights, the like, instead of balancing them to make them more appealing, she’d want to do them all consecutively. Like she was afraid I was going to lose interest in her, or something.

Turns out, she had a reason to be afraid.

She knew about the Stamford girl, and it turns out that she considered her an arch-nemesis. She was once a dingy, run-of-the-mill type of girl, but she soon reinvented herself as a Stamfordish doppelganger. With Stamford girl languishing, she had won my attention.

Around 1998, I began to notice Stamford girl again. But….I didn’t recognize her at first. She had taken some time and given herself a physical overhaul. She was now more wild, chaotic, and free-spirited, but with a sense of control also. Atlanta girl? It was becoming more of the same. We’d get intimate and just before we’d have a fun conclusion, she would scream “WE’RE OUT OF TIME!”. Stamford girl never did that. She paid off all of our romantic fun with a satisfying conclusion, each time. It was like Stamford girl had assumed the form of the stripper from Philly, albeit with a larger personal budget.

She wanted me back, and she got me too. Stamford girl and I reunited shortly thereafter.

Atlanta girl didn’t take this well, spiraling out of control. I think she may have been schizophrenic, because it seemed like somebody new was in charge of her brain each week. Philly girl had lost her appeal, because anything that she could do was being done better by Stamford girl. I mean, Philly girl was fun, but she never had any money for some weird reason. By 2001, Philly girl declared bankruptcy and Atlanta girl just disappeared without a trace. It seemed like I had made the right decision, going back with the reliable and charming Stamford girl, despite her issues.

I did make the right decision, right? Well….

It seems that after the Atlanta girl vanished, and Philly girl because hedonista-non-grata, that Stamford girl got a bit of an atittude. It was like she knew that I knew that she was the only game in town and figured that I wouldn’t be leaving her anytime soon. To be honest, I didn’t want to leave her again, either. We’d spent three or four years making amends and we experienced one of the greatest periods of harmony that two people can have together.

But in 2002, things….well, they got weird.

In May, she altered this tattoo that she had on her shoulder. For as long as I knew her, it was of the letter F. She said it stood for “FAITH” and I never thought much of it. I mean, it’s her body, right? But then, suddenly, she had some more ink done, reworking the tat so that it was the letter E, which she claimed meant “ENERGY”. I have no idea why, but this simple change from F to E led to a weird kind of discontent between us. I had to leave for a business trip a month later anyway, but it seemed like in between time, all we did was argue. I pointed out that she was too complacent and that things were stagnant, and she countered with this coarse arrogance, saying that I would come crawling back, just because I could never find better.

So away I went. My travels took me to Nashville, and things got even weirder. I know I shouldn’t have been flirting, but I came across this charming beauty who really seemed to want me. I couldn’t help but notice that she was a little clumsy and awkward, but she was also very earnest and driven. If anything, it was like I was in love with the fact that she was such a breath of fresh air from the Stamford girl, but could I really justify leaving her for this low-rent wannabe?

So I went back home at the end of my trip, and things weren’t any better. By year’s end, she had suggested many bizarre things to spice things up. She wanted to attend a gay wedding. She suggested that her friend marry an older man, who happened to be the father of a bitter rival. She even wanted to violate a corpse of a dead cheerleader, just for shock value! I love her, but it’s like she was doing ANYTHING to get my full attention! Meanwhile, I wondered if life with the Nashville girl was possibly better than this.

A couple of years later, I received a phone call out of the blue from this Nashville girl. She had relocated to Orlando, and was happy to say that she’d saved her money and was no longer a cheap, run-down lush. In fact, she wanted to see me again. But I was torn, even though things hadn’t improved with the Stamford girl by any means. I’d talk to Orlando girl here and there, but I couldn’t fathom leaving her. That talk about never finding anyone better rang loud, especially considering that Orlando girl just wasn’t in her class.

Periodically, I checked in with Orlando girl to see how she was doing, which worked well considering that Stamford girl either didn’t know about her, or pretended that she didn’t exist. In any case, I kept in touch with this outsider, who seemed to be making strides every day to win me over, but alas, I wasn’t ready to budge. I guess maybe I was just getting a bit complacent myself.

But then in June 2007, life as I knew it changed forever.

An associate of the Stamford girl was found dead, having murdered his family before ultimately offing himself. There was speculation that she, as his caretaker, ignored signs of manic episodes and depression. The feds even tried to accuse her of looking the other way when he got messed up on drugs, which was eerily similar to her trial thirteen years prior. After weirdly pretending that her associate never existed, refusing to even speak his name again, things eventually died down and she was never charged with a crime. But again, it felt weird to be with her, even though the positives outweighed the positives of all other women.

And here we are in 2010, where the most recent chapter has unfolded. It’s a chapter that has definitely been an awakening, that’s for sure.

Orlando girl has gotten aggressive. Stamford girl is aware of her now and doesn’t want me to spend even a second acknowledging her. Stamford girl even seems a bit fearful of this momentum that Orlando girl has amassed. I feel like I should sit back and see which of them wants me the most, proving their love with good intentions and excitement. But I just don’t know what to do when it comes time to making the all-important decision.

Maybe I should just go with both? Maybe if I can make one jealous of the other, the other will work to improve herself to compensate. After all, competition is certainly healthy. It’ll make both of them better women, right?

All I know is this: my libido is so strong right now. My excitement is maxing out. My interests are extremely piqued. It’s been a good eight or nine years since I’ve been this excited. I know that Stamford girl and Orlando girl are going to go all out to acquire my love, and they will stop at absolutely nothing until they have it, barring that they die trying.

I guess the part that I feel is the biggest shame is that I can’t go all polygamous and just take both.

Or can I?

When he isn’t watching WWE, TNA, or his beloved Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies, Justin Henry can be found writing. It is his passion as well as his goal in life to become a well-regarded (as well as well-paid) columnist or author. He tweets at twitter.com/notoriousjrh and facebooks himself at http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh.

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Sunday, December 27th, 1993-Charlotte, North Carolina-World Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship match featured WCW Champion “Big Van” Vader and his manager Harley Race taking on challenger “the Nature Boy” Ric Flair. This match was billed in December 1993 as WCW Championship versus “the Nature Boy’s” career.

I watched this match on the Starrcade DVD set, and I’m happy that WWE did put this DVD set, because I remember going to my local video store and renting WCW Starrcade 1993 on VHS back in the day when I was a young boy, when professional wrestling was real to me. This match to today’s standards was pretty slow due to the slow pace match that champion Vader and challenger Ric Flair had. But for me, I enjoyed watching a slower match. Besides that, this match favorite for me when I was younger. Why? I think I enjoyed this match because it was a slower paced match, and it had two wrestlers that I grew into respecting more and more when I aged, and that’s Ric Flair and Vader. No matter what people may say about these men, for me, I’m starting to fall more in love with their work back during their respected prime. But let’s get into the match and my thoughts of the match.

The announcers for the match were Tony Schiavone (I enjoy that man. Why? I could very well answer that question in another article, maybe) and Jesse Ventura (my favorite Minnesota Governor and one of my favorite color commentators). And the referee for the match is Randy Anderson. And a side bar note, Randy Anderson is one of three WCW referee’s that I always love watching WCW to see. The other two are Nick Patrick and Charles Robinson.

At the beginning of the match, Vader poses to the crowd. How much do I miss that, seeing big men like “Big” Van Vader and seeing men pose to get the crowd interaction to the match and get their opponents riled up.

These two men lock up with one another and Vader shoves Flair to the mat. This happened a couple of times and we hear Harley Race holler “If you want him Flair, there he is!” Oh Harley Race, and oh how much I miss wrestling managers.

Vader dominated the beginning of the match, with blows to Flair’s head and with short-arm clotheslines. With Vader having early control of the match, we can hear Vader yell at the crowd and for us to hear with the camera: “You ain’t man enough, you ain’t!” If I was a professional wrestler and my opponent would yell at me that if he had control, I would be discouraged and embarrassed.

“The Nature Boy” was able to come out with Flair chopping Vader in the corner, but Vader shoved Natch across the ring.

At this time, Tony Schiavone brought us up to speed, mentioning that at Starrcade, its Ric Flair’s pay-per-view. That from 1983 to 1988, Ric Flair was in the main event match and fought for the National Wrestling Alliance/World Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship, and walked out with the World Heavyweight Championship. I guess for fans these days, Ric Flair and Starrcade is like the Undertaker and WrestleMania. WrestleMania is the Undertaker’s yard, and Starrcade was Ric Flair’s yard.

The match goes back and forth, but pretty much dominated by Vader, with Vader Military Pressing Flair, and Flair rolling out of the ring and Vader picked up Flair over his head and dropping him on the steel guard rail outside.

After which, we heard Vader tell the fans: “Who’s the man? That punk ain’t it!”

Another line from Vader that made me smile is: “You ain’t nothing!”

The control of the match went back and forth. Flair gave Vader a knee drop, Vader gave Flair a clothesline and Flair started to bleed from his mouth. With such, Vader hollered: “It’s over!”

A move that I really loved was the Superplex that Vader gave his challenger. Then Vader stared to work over Flair’s leg with an elbow drop to his inner right thigh. After a big splash from Vader in the corner, Harley Race hollered: “Quit! Quit Flair! Quit!”

After a while, Flair gained control of the match and started to work on his legs. Flair drags Vader to the corner and wrapped his left knee around the turnbuckle. Harley Race was up on the ring apron and with Randy Anderson, and Flair grabbed a chair and nailed Vader’s leg with it. The “Dirtiest Player in the Game” was coming out in 1993 in WCW, and I was in wrestling heaven.

The conclusion of the match saw Vader missing with a moonsault and Flair rolling out of the way. With such, Harley Race climbed the turnbuckle and tried to hit Flair but Flair rolled out of the way and hit Vader. That gave me a good laugh. And when Race stood up, Randy Anderson shoved Race and Race fell out of the ring. That gave me another good laugh, and I wish refs these days were like that.

Forearm shots and chops from Flair to Vader, Vader forearms Flair and Flair went down, Flair takes Vader out at the leg, school boys him, and Flair gets the three count, and wins his eleventh World Heavyweight Championship (thirteenth, in actually, how Flair just came from his WWF run, where he walked out with two WWF title runs).

But to conclude this WCW flashback, this match was one of my favorite matches from my childhood. Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels were the two greatest professional wrestlers back in the 1990’s when I did think, then, that wrestling was real. I am thankful that WWE put this Starrcade DVD together, and this match was voted in for this DVD. This is probably one of my all-time favorite matches, ever. Because of Vader being a bigger man, Ric Flair being a wrestling legend, this match being a slower paced match, and it being a match for a company that’s out of business. As a result, I am Eric Darsie from Minnesota, enjoying my winter break with some old-school wrestling, with a flashback, 1993 style!

Check out more of Eric’s blogs at http://jericholic2009.blogspot.com.

See the match and more Starrcade classics on the WWE Starrcade: The Essential Collection by ordering here.

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Sunday, July 22, 2001-Gund Arena-Cleveland, Ohio-Compared to be 2001’s second WrestleMania because the pay-per- iew of the night featured for the first time that the World Wrestling Federation superstars fought World Championship Wrestling’s wrestlers and Extreme Championship Wrestling’s extremist. In the main event, we saw five WWF superstars go against three ECW extremists and two WCW wrestlers in a match-up entitled “the Inaugural Brawl.”

The teams were set up with WCW World Heavyweight Champion/United States Heavyweight Champion Booker T, Diamond Dallas Page, Rhyno, and the Dudleys taking on WWF World Heavyweight Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, the Undertaker, and Kane.

Before the match, they (the video packing people) showed a video on what led us to the match. A highlight of the clip was on a Smackdown taping, Vinnie Mac wanted the “Old Stone Cold” to come back, not the one that sings songs and gives hugs, McMahon wants the Stone Cold that kicks a** and takes no names, drinks beer and gives middle fingers. Steve Austin “didn’t want to.” And the “Old Stone Cold” came back six days before the pay-per-view, coming in and kicking a** with a pool stick on Raw and was the “Old Stone Cold” on the Smackdown before the pay- per- view, that Thursday before.

But now into the match:

Shane McMahon first came out, then Stephanie and Paul Heyman (who was described as the “ECW General Manager” then) came out to the “This is Extreme!” ECW theme song. Vince McMahon then came out with a pop. After seeing Vinnie Mac’s entrance video back then, I miss his entrance video back then. It ruled back then.

But, anyways, the entrances went back and forth between WCW/ECW guys and WWF guys. But before the WWF Champion “Stone Cold” Steve Austin made his appearance, the brawl started right at the end of the entrance ramp, right before the superstars entered the ring. Within fifteen seconds (I don’t know, I didn’t time it), the glass shatters and Austin comes running out and joins the battle.

Starting out the gate, this match was very hard for me to take notes for it, but I will discuss some of the bigger things that I did write down.

There were a lot of quick tags from each team, obviously going back and forth between the teams, with each team taking control of the match. That was pretty cool, seeing that there was some kind of control of this ten- man tag match, being deemed to be the second WrestleMania for the wrestling fans, seeing WWF taking on WCW and ECW.

One thing I really like about this match how there was a lot of wrestling moves and wrestling holds being put on each individual. Chris Jericho hit Rhyno with a missile drop kick and Jericho even did a couple of arm drags to Booker T, the WCW World Heavyweight Champion and WCW United States Heavyweight Champion.

Something I found super funny was mid match, the camera was on the in- ring action with DDP and Angle, I believe, and in the background was Team WWF, and you see Charles Robinson’s hair when Robinson was on the floor and Austin was on the apron. He pulled Robinson’s hair for about half the ring and it gave me a great laugh! I am surprised I’ve never noticed when I watched this match bunch of times before this time! I must watch this match about couple of times or so a year, because of who was in the main event and remembering the days of when professional wrestling was on the peak of the decline of the business, wrestling wise, that is.

Shortly after the hair pulling from the WWF Champion to the WCW referee, DDP gave Kurt Angle the Diamond Cutter, which signaled the final chaos of the night, where everything broke loose from being in control to all men started to battle one another. And right when this happened, poor Charles Robinson got the Last Ride from the Undertaker, and it was worth noting during this time, when everything broke loose.

Other thing that is worth noting from the ending of the match is Kane choke slamming Devon Dudley through one of the announcers table and Kane gets double suplexed from Bubba Ray Dudley and Rhyno though the other announcers table.

Not much worth noting other than right at the end of the match, where it put Kurt Angle and Booker T in the ring. Angle Angle Slamed Booker and put him in the Ankle Lock, and Booker taps. But the thing is, both refs were knocked out at this moment. Austin brought in the ref and after Austin brought in the ref, Austin gave Angle the Stone Cold Stunner. A shocking moment indeed when I watched the pay- per- view live back in 2001 in Cambridge, Minnesota, at my friends house. And after the Stunner, Austin drug Booker over Angle and the ref counted the fall and Austin “went over to the bad guys.”

A couple of lines I remember J.R. hollering was:

“OH MY GOD! MY GOD, I DON’T BELIEVE IT!,”

“The WWF title is in the enemy’s hands, is that what your telling me?,”

And

“Why Austin, why? Damn it!”

Those three lines made my night. Good job Jim Ross

But to conclude this article, this match was huge, and the event was huge. Like said, this pay-per-view was deemed to be the second WrestleMania for the fans, and this match was also seemed to be like a dream match, which could be why this match still stands eight years after it happened. But I would suggest this match to everyone who wants to see a great match. Good stuff. This is Eric Darsie from Minnesota, about to go out and watch some WCW, goodbye!

Check out more of Eric’s blogs at http://jericholic2009.blogspot.com.

Order the WWE – Invasion 2001 DVD by clicking here.

Order the WWE: The Rise And Fall of WCW on DVD by clicking here.

Order the The Monday Night War – WWE Raw vs. WCW Nitro on DVD by clicking here.

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